D-Day came and went!!!

[frannie]

If he's not afraid of his wife finding out then why did you need to stay away from him till the event began and you were seated? He was afraid of running into them with you and he made a point of meeting them WITHOUT YOU. That's not being afraid?He must be awfully cautious if you've done this for hree years and no d day.

 

You sound so intelligent and caring why are you willing to put your lifeon hold like this?

 

I was commenting on someone's suggestion that he was probably only continuing the affair because he was scared of my telling his wife. The fact that he bought tickets to an event he knew his wife's brother would be at, and didn't mind my meeting him, shows that that's not the case. The story wasn't meant to illustrate or prove anything else other than that point.

 

As I said, it was MY decision to separate from him while he met up with them... he was quite alright with my meeting them and lying about who he was. I didn't 'have to' separate from him. He didn't make a point of meeting them WITHOUT ME. Quite the contrary.

 

And yes, I am an intelligent and caring person. And I'm in a relationship with him because I love spending time with him, he loves and cares for me, and he's equally intelligent. My life isn't 'on hold' it's progressing forward really nicely, every day.

[frannie]

Sorry about the TRIPLE post above... site is playing up for me and of course I can't remove them now. Groan.

 

Actually not only is he weak, he doesn't care PERIOD. I think he has convinced himself that she won't find out because he's so good at lying to her and he can tell her anything and chances are, she'll believe him.

 

I think he's pretty normal and average in this respect, neither weak nor "not caring". But then I know the man, and have done intimately for three years. And I don't often post much about our lives or relationship on here.

 

From things that have happened, and things that he's said, my view is that he would rather she didn't find out, but isn't scared of it happening. Extreme in neither one direction nor the other.

[frannie]

As I recall, frannie and MM live in different cities, so that does make it easier to hide from his wife. Having worked in the consulting industry for a long time, I'm familiar with how easy it is for cheating MM to hide their extracurricular activities during business travel, and it does give them a sense of invulnerability.

 

Unless frannie tells, W isn't going to know because she won't be running into them, nor will frannie and MM run into people who know his W. The sporting event with the brother in law, well, he wanted to tell brother in law that she was the sister of his workmate who gave him the tickets...as long as frannie is ok with such deceptions, his W will remain in the dark. His W will believe whatever lies he tells her because she has no reason to suspect otherwise.

 

I think that's pretty near 'reality'. You are right, we live in completely different cities, he works away from home, and unless I say something to her she's unlikely to know anything about it. She's used to him working away, and we spend days together with no lying whatever on his part because she simply never asks any questions, nor even calls him or talks to him while he's here.

 

I'm ok with that, if it means that we get to spend time together. I'd rather things were different, but they're not. And after three years of fretting about it from every angle, I'm giving myself a break.

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm ok with that, if it means that we get to spend time together. I'd rather things were different, but they're not. And after three years of fretting about it from every angle, I'm giving myself a break.

 

I think that your honesty with yourself and the others on this board is refreshing...It's nice to read posts from the other side that actually reflect what's really going on...whether others believe or agree is really of no importance...

 

You don't have to defend your R here to anyone...it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks...what matters is that you two love each other and if that's enough for you, then THAT is what matters...

 

And peace comes with acceptance and I think by your posts that's where you're at...Here's to no worries...

[frannie]

I think that your honesty with yourself and the others on this board is refreshing...It's nice to read posts from the other side that actually reflect what's really going on...whether others believe or agree is really of no importance...

 

You don't have to defend your R here to anyone...it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks...what matters is that you two love each other and if that's enough for you, then THAT is what matters...

 

And peace comes with acceptance and I think by your posts that's where you're at...Here's to no worries...

 

Well, yes.

 

Good point. I was actually considering starting my own thread so people didn't keep asking me questions on other people's threads... but it's all died down again now so I'll just move on.

 

Nice to see you GEL

[dignityback]

Well you say that you wish things were different so I doubt you are terribly happy about the situation. I guess you are resign to the fact that he just isn't going to leave home.

 

Whem my xmm made it clear he wasn't leaving, I tried to justify him staying with his family. I talked to a few male friends as I wanted a male perspecitve and they rolled their eyes and said "he's just not as into you as you are him".

I didn't want to hear that, but I really began to look at the whole one sided situation. You see your mm every week when he's working, so in one way you have him during the week and his wife has him at the weekend. It is not as if he is just seeing you every week for 5 hours or so. But at the end of the day, you and all the OW/OM here are the "losers" and whatever way we dress it up, we are their bits on the side.

I seethed when xmm went on holiday to exotic locations and I know of loads of men who leave their wives and children to live a fulfilling life with the OW. This led me to resent him even more.

We didn't talk about it, but I am sure he was intimate with her if only to keep up appearances. The same with your mm; when he goes to his wife at the weekend he is bound to show that he has missed her. Maybe he has-he is not going to tell you that.

 

Anyway, when I surveyed my situation, I realised that he was not that in love with me or he would have left home.

I think you were fairly confident that he was going to leave and when he didn't then he assumed you would end the affair. The fact that you haven't gives him no incentive to change his lifestyle. He has all the trappings of marriage, the mutual friends, the shared finances, family meals, going to events without having to be tactical about it---in short a real relationship.

 

I think the reason you didn't go NC was because he would accept that and not get in touch with you as happened a while back (if I remember correctly). People who really love each other do not walk away, and his inaction in trying to contact you speaks volumes.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well you say that you wish things were different so I doubt you are terribly happy about the situation. I guess you are resign to the fact that he just isn't going to leave home.I think the reason you didn't go NC was because he would accept that and not get in touch with you as happened a while back (if I remember correctly). People who really love each other do not walk away, and his inaction in trying to contact you speaks volumes.

 

I'm very curious as to why you seem so driven to keep on and on with your posts to Frannie...she never asked for your opinion, but still you persist...

 

If you are happy that you ended it, good for you...but you don't need to try and convert others...everyone has to go their own way...

 

I don't believe that this tactic of calling someone out on a thread is polite or effective...if someone wants your advice on their personal situation, they'll start a thread on it...otherwise no witch hunts here...

[forbidden fruit]

You are completely right that there's no more pressure, no more debate, no more anxious hours wondering what is going to happen. After he said he cannot leave we were both certain we were going to end the affair and separate. Our conversations turned to whether we'd see each other in the future, years down the line, and so on...

 

... during the course of which I decided that I'd rather this fizzle out now (or do whatever it's going to do) naturally than go through more months of NC and getting over him, finding someone else and getting to know them. When I thought about it, doing something so effort-intensive just seemed crazy when I could let this fizzle out naturally, get tired of him, or whatever... even build on what we have, have fun, or generally see each other with no pressures.

 

Adapting to that has been really odd, because we seem to have spent so many years talking about 'the situation' and how it was going to be resolved we had forgotten what general fun conversations felt like..

 

Now..? It can sometimes feel mundane, like we're going nowhere, with nothing to solve... it seems I'd become so wrapped up in being in an affair I'd forgotten about the people we both are and whether we're actually THAT happy together! It's a question now of beginning to talk and spend time like we did in the early days... anyway, I digress...

 

In answer to your question no, I don't feel resentful of him at all. When I was faced with never seeing him again (and him arguing with me that it would be best for me if that's what we did, since he was tired of hurting me all the time and all I'd gone through) I started viewing everything so completely differently... not whining and complaining about the situation and how 'awful' it was to be in an affair... but just thinking do I or don't I want to be with him..? And the answer was... I wanted to be with him. My choice. He had made his.

 

And it took quite a while for me to convince him that that really was what I wanted, and I wasn't going to be hurting and miserable again. And somehow, that's been the case.

 

Regarding your situation with a man with grown children. I have an acquaintance who has divorced her husband recently... her children are in their early twenties, and just will not forgive her for what she's 'done to him'... won't talk to her... and they have NO idea that she's seeing someone else (the affair started just a few months before she separated). So... grown up children are by no means to be discounted as reasons for not divorcing.

 

All I'd say is, do you want him and want to be with him..? Then you just have to accept him as he is, in the situation he's in, and with the reasons he gives. If you can't do that, then staying in that relationship is just going to be poisonous to you and really a waste of energy... jmho. Though I understand if he's your xMM then you've probably made that decision already!

 

Do I want a relationship with him full-time..? That's a very interesting question now. I did. Now he's messed around indecisively for so long it has changed my feelings, for certain, and I have to answer that with an 'I don't know'. The fact is, that it's not on offer, so it's a moot point as far as I'm concerned. IF he was single, with a place of his own, then it would be a different question and probably would get a different answer.

 

For now yes, I am happy with what I have: my career is going really well, I love seeing him as much as I do, I feel loved and wanted, and I don't feel any real negatives (none that I'd really count against all the positives). So I suppose I'd call myself that creature that I never really thought existed: a happy OW.

 

Frannie,

No offense but could you open your own thread and let your responders know. This thread that I opened was very important to me and it seems as if none of you are taking it seriously and are ignoring it. thanks

[forbidden fruit]

I thought she had Lied to her husband, and to us! We're no fool lady, get your act together and tell your husband everything, quit wasting his life on your Bullcrap! Stop lying to us too, you're FULL OF IT! As far as D-Day coming and going, it hasn't even begun for your husband. You may lose your husband and your children, but, you did this to your husband, and you caused all the pain he will go through. Lastly, don't give me that don't judge me Bullcrap, it's just a fancy way of saying that you don't want to take responsibility for your actions, you don't want to face the consiquences of your actions. Face it, your husband deserves better!

Excuse me but who the hE*** are you. How dare you talk to me this way. you have never responded to one of my posts and then you write this. I am taking responsibility for my actions just because I have not told my H I had a A is my business. I have faced the consequences of my actions.

 

I ended the affair, I am the one who has been to therapy and I am the one who almost could not carry because of this affair and then where would my children be. So yes not telling my H about the physical affair is horrible and inexcusable, but is it worth losing my children over absolutely not. So yes maybe my H deserves better, and maybe I deserve better but life is not perfect and we are making it work .

 

I would appreciate Darth Vader if you did not respond to my threads because I think you are rude and it is not because of what you said but your tone in writing it.

[dignityback]

I'm very curious as to why you seem so driven to keep on and on with your posts to Frannie...she never asked for your opinion, but still you persist...

 

If you are happy that you ended it, good for you...but you don't need to try and convert others...everyone has to go their own way...

 

I don't believe that this tactic of calling someone out on a thread is polite or effective...if someone wants your advice on their personal situation, they'll start a thread on it...otherwise no witch hunts here...

 

 

No offence GEL but why are you always "defending" Frannie.

It really is up to her to address my posts which incidentally are not a witch hunt. My post was not impolite unlike some other posters.

 

I think you should mind your own business as you once told OverandOut!

[Darth Vader]

Excuse me but who the hE*** are you. How dare you talk to me this way. you have never responded to one of my posts and then you write this. I am taking responsibility for my actions just because I have not told my H I had a A is my business. I have faced the consequences of my actions.

 

I ended the affair, I am the one who has been to therapy and I am the one who almost could not carry because of this affair and then where would my children be. So yes not telling my H about the physical affair is horrible and inexcusable, but is it worth losing my children over absolutely not. So yes maybe my H deserves better, and maybe I deserve better but life is not perfect and we are making it work .

 

I would appreciate Darth Vader if you did not respond to my threads because I think you are rude and it is not because of what you said but your tone in writing it.

 

 

No, you're not taking responsibility for your actions, by not letting your husband decide what to do with his life. Also you've not faced any consequences for your actions, yet. You talk about therapy, your husband's healing hasn't even begun yet, what about his therapy?

As far as you possibly losing your children over this, you should have thought about that before you rode OM. As far as making it work, it takes two to make a marriage work, so far, by your lying, you're not pulling your weight. Saying that I'm rude, well, perhaps, but I also know that is a typical response from a cheater like you, so don't you dare try to shift blame to me for your actions, the reality is, you don't want someone to tell you the truth, so you don't have to face it. I'm sure your husband has/or is thinking about what really went on, he has a feeling of what you did, I know it has ran through his mind, although he isn't saying anything, YET.

 

To answer your first question, I'm Darth Vader!

[Darth Vader]

I didn't use any metaphors either, to express myself, just so you know.