forbidden fruit Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 If anybody has been following my story it was just a matter of time before d-day happened. I was at the end of my rope emotionally, physically and mentally. So one night after I had heard all of mm's excuses for the last time, I snapped and ended up leaving a message on his cell phone to get ready because I was going to tell his W everything. I could not take it anymore and I just wanted the hurt to end. Well his W got a hold of his cell phone somehow. I personally think he gave it to her, but anyways she freaks and calls me and wants to know why i am so mad at her H. I don't call her back and then he starts calling me to save his ass and not say anything o her. I do not call either of them back and tell my H everything about having a EA with mm. So my H says do not call either of them back. Xmm has come up to me numerous times to not tell his W and I told him if he comes near me again I will tell her. So I finally got rid of him and it has been a week. When I saw how close I was to losing my H and kids I realized that 1) mm did not actually care at all. 2) I was a cataylst for what is going in their marriage and I needed to get out so he could deal with her without me as the crutch. 3) Here is the biggest one for all those who are pondering NC . You can live without him and I sank to his level and had become as miserable and shallow as he was. I knew all along i was better than the crumbs he was giving me it is just that he robbed me of my self esteem and I let him do it so that is all I thought I was worth. Wow now being out of it I see how stupid and below me t was to get involved with someone so selfish and manipulative. I am so glad to be free and take it from me if you read all my old posts I was way addicted to him, but when you think you are going to lose everything and everyone you love and care about it is like instant sobering and you never want that drug again. So now i feel nothing toward him which is so weird because for almost two years he is all I thought about and cared about. I realized my H is so much of a better man than x and he loves me unconditionally and truly wants what best for me. All I can say is what I have learned from this experience is you really want to find someone who puts you ahead of anything else and who loves you for who you are not what you are doing for them. I wish I could of all seen this when everyone was telling me but everyone has their own timeline and when you really see your mm for who they are you will not believe how you could of ever settled for their crap and lies. Good luck to all the ow/ and om out there and stay strong. I want to personally thank wwisup, bonehead and answerplease who helped me along the way and continued to support all of my decisions even thought it was frustrating for them.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Wow! That's good news...But, and I hate to say it...This is just the beginning. His wife KNOWS, she's not stupid and it's only a matter of time before she figures it out on her own or pesters you and your husband about what happened. FF, I am proud of you for taking charge finally! Suggest marriage counselling and ask your husband if he is willing to go. DO all that is necessary to prove to him that you want to stay married to him, that you can be a faithful and trusting wife again. D-day came, but it hasn't gone away....Your H WILL react, right now he isn't, but he will....Just be prepared and let him feel what he is going to feel. Answer all that he needs to know, be an open book for him. And, re-affirm that you DO love him and you want things to work out between you two. You took a chance, a big one, he could have easily asked for a divorce, so far it seems he hasn't, so count this one as a wake up call to get your lives back on track. I hope OW read your story and learn from it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Good grief, reformed OW are almost as bad as reformed smokers! Glad you got that out of your system. It's gotta be a load off of your shoulders. Good luck recovering your marriage.
StaringContest Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Paragraphs please. So are you planning on getting some counseling? Individual and marriage would be good.
Jinxx Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 That must have took a lot to tell your husband, he must be a very understanding man. Your husband is right in advising you to ignore them. Put it all behind you and move forward. Good for you!
greengoddess Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Was it just an emotional affair or did you just tell your husband that? What happens when he finds out it was more and you weren't upfront with him? For your marriage, for your kids you have to be an open book now and have complete honesty with your husband. The ride is just beginning. Take care of you.
ThumbingMyWay Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I wish I could of all seen this when everyone was telling me but everyone has their own timeline and when you really see your mm for who they are you will not believe how you could of ever settled for their crap and lies. see...i told you so.... ok...sorry...I just have been waiting to say that to a reformed xOW...but have held off till now. I actully commend you and if my wife was reading this post she would be nodding her head.....becasue she has see the TRUTH behind it all....and when she looks back, she is disgusted with herself that she actually let herself get into the whole mess. What you have said is EXACTLY what we have been trying to tell all the OW here. Some day they will SEE what yuo SEE....but in there own time. I just hope they can all endure the pain when it ends.
Trialbyfire Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I just hope they can all endure the pain when it ends. The betrayed spouse bears worse pain so I'm guessing OW/OM can too... Btw, ff, good for you for breaking the abusive triangle and seeing what a cake-eater is all about. It's difficult to continue caring for someone who lies and cheats, then asks for you cover for him to save his marriage. Simply disgusting.
annabelle75 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Awesome. I'm so glad you told your husband the truth and he has stood by you. That really is a sign of some one that loves you as opposed to the mm. You can now see that deserve more than what he was offering you and the reality was, you already had it with your husband. I definitely recommend MC. This is just the beginning of rebuilding your relationship. Over the past two years all the lies and secrets have created an even bigger chasm in your relationship than before and now that you are free to be honest with him, you will notice a change in your relationship. For the first time in a long time you are able to show him who you really are and there will be alot of adjusting to be done on both sides. He is also going to struggle with knowing what you have done, but the fact he is supporting you now is a very good sign. Hang in there and be strong for your family.
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I guess I'm going to have to be the one who doesn't give you quite the pat on the back you might want... - It's great that you see MM for who he is, but now you have to take a good hard look at who YOU are and see yourself for who YOU are and what YOU have done to your H. You cheated on your H for two years and should not lose sight of that fact, nor make light of it. Face the woman in the mirror. - You told your H about an 'emotional' affair, and neglected to mention that you were also having sex with the MM. You have now LIED to your H in a big way about this affair, so don't fool yourself into believing you were HONEST with him. He has no idea the extent of what you have been doing for the last couple of years, so any attempt at repairing your marriage will be built on lies, different lies from when you were in the midst of your physical affair, but lies nonetheless. I wish I could of all seen this when everyone was telling me but everyone has their own timeline and when you really see your mm for who they are you will not believe how you could of ever settled for their crap and lies.Don't force your husband to settle for your lies, more lies.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 If I'm mistaken but aren't you the OW who KNEW mm didn't love his wife and was SURE he was only staying for the kids but was going to leave for you? Was your mm the one who allegedly posted on Separation and Divorce about how much he loved you but couldn't leave because of his child? What happened to all of that?
dignityback Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I think you are muddling her up with Frannie whose mm has chosen to stay with his wife. Her mm posted on Separations. I don't see her posting anymore maybe because she got some very tough love from Overandout or because she just doesn't want to I hope I am not breaking any rules here--I am just stating facts.
NearlyThere Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I think you are muddling her up with Frannie whose mm has chosen to stay with his wife. Her mm posted on Separations. I don't see her posting anymore maybe because she got some very tough love from Overandout or because she just doesn't want to I hope I am not breaking any rules here--I am just stating facts. Sorry, but it wasn't tough love it was plain right rude, which is why several posts got deleted.
dignityback Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 OK NearlyThere, I am not disputing that. Just wanted you to know that it was another OW you were thinking of. I hope that Frannie does "return" as she gave some very insightful comments in my opinion.
dignityback Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Sorry NearlyThere, I meant I was clarifying things for ImpudentOyster not you. I am having a bad day--I think I'll have a large glass of chablis... Getting back on the rudeness topic, I have seen many other tough love posts given and those posts don't get deleted. Some people might consider they are rude.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Oh, that's right, I knew it began with an F. So no one has heard from Frannie? I was very curious about her mm, he never came back to the separation/divorce forum.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I see that Frannie's mm decided to stay with his wife (now there's a surprise). No wonder she doesn't post here anymore, it doesn't have anything to do with another poster, she's probably just embarassed for being so positive about mm loving her so much. MM lie, it's what they do best.
frannie Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 If I'm mistaken but aren't you the OW who KNEW mm didn't love his wife and was SURE he was only staying for the kids but was going to leave for you? Was your mm the one who allegedly posted on Separation and Divorce about how much he loved you but couldn't leave because of his child? What happened to all of that? No, FF is another OW completely! I was/am the OW who was sure her MM loved her, and still is. And yes, is staying for the kids. And he did post on Separation and Divorce about wanting to leave...and in the end decided to stay because of the children (two). What happened to all of that, he stayed because of the kids. And for the record, I've never once stated that I knew he was going to leave, but since you got a lot of the rest mixed up too I'm not surprised that was a little wonky.
frannie Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I think you are muddling her up with Frannie whose mm has chosen to stay with his wife. Her mm posted on Separations. I don't see her posting anymore maybe because she got some very tough love from Overandout or because she just doesn't want to I hope I am not breaking any rules here--I am just stating facts. Oddly enough I missed all of Overandout's messages, because I just haven't been reading here very often in the past month or two. I heard about them in PMs and on another forum I'm on, but never saw them since they got reported and deleted. In fact, I don't think I know Overandout from any posts at all. I stopped posting because... well, there was nothing more to ask the 'group', and we'd heard it all, thought about it all, and now it was down to us. And at the end of the day, we decided to do what was best for us. Selfish, pragmatic, but at the end of the day, no one is crying. Plus, as I've always said, I didn't come here for anyone's input, I came here to talk about affairs, and perhaps help others in my situation. End of debate, as far as I'm concerned.
frannie Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I see that Frannie's mm decided to stay with his wife (now there's a surprise). No wonder she doesn't post here anymore, it doesn't have anything to do with another poster, she's probably just embarassed for being so positive about mm loving her so much. MM lie, it's what they do best. I'd like to say my ears were burning, which is why I turned up... but I posted some this afternoon before this message Nice to see I was missed
dignityback Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Sorry if this is a t/j, but Frannie I suppoe now that a decision has been made you can actually "relax" and enjoy the affair. There is no more pressure on your mm and no more discussions" and no more expectations on your part. So the turmoil and daily struggle for most OW doesn't affect you anymore. Can I just ask if you ever feel/harbour resentment towards your mm or whether you are relieved that you still have your "single" statuts and actually don't want a full time relationship with him. My xmm has kids who have flown the nest and that is why I was fed up because he wouldn't leave. I decided that he didn't love me enough, although I also know that adult children can feel resentment towards the parent that leaves. Look at Chris Tarrant whose eldest daughter refuses to have anything to do with him.
Zona76 Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Sometimes when we're in an emotional upheaval we get so caught up we can't see anything but what we want within those next few moments. I'm sure the WIFE knows about her husband. Her saying,"Why are you mad at me?" Is loaded. She knows and accepts what he does and will never leave him. YOUR husband is an angel for accepting you back, but know he's still feeling broken and betrayed. He may not show it but you have to give the guy credit as he too may have known what you were doing. COUNSELING. A must. Even if you two are doing fine, you need to make certain your relationship is remaining on a forward ground with neither looking back thinking, "what if?" There are possibly words left unsaid. Anger that may spew out later at some untold moment. You need to open this and heal the wounds before it is too late. Many many years ago I'd had an "emotional" affair with a man on-line. The flirting was rampant between us till his wife found out about me and decided to find and tell my husband everything. .... As a result my marriage ended. But it was not because of the OM. It was due to the fact I realized my husband didn't care. He was TOO forgiving and very likely would not have fought to keep me had I chosen to leave. I had suggested counseling at the time and he refused. Telling me the problems were not with him but in me. While it's fresh, get the joint counseling to make sure what happened doesn't occur again.
Impudent Oyster Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 What happened to all of that, he stayed because of the kids. . I hope you're moving on as we all know that if MM truly loved you, he'd get divorced. NO ONE STAYS FOR THE KIDS. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and most of those marriages have children. People with kids get divorced every day. I really don't get how you can buy into that bull*****. MM is still playing you.
Guest Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I have to agree with you Impudent. I know mm who have young children and still get divorced and yes they love their kids. I think he is full of b/sh** I read OverandOut's comments and although they were very pointed, what she said was true. Frannie's guy is a user!
overandout Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I hope you're moving on as we all know that if MM truly loved you, he'd get divorced. NO ONE STAYS FOR THE KIDS. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and most of those marriages have children. People with kids get divorced every day. I really don't get how you can buy into that bull*****. MM is still playing you. I couldn't agree with you more Impudent. This summarises all that I was trying to say. If someone truly loves another, they will adjust their lives to be with that person. Anything short is not true love. I don't like seeing people short changed.
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