annabelle75 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 For those of you not familiar with my current dating situation, here is a recap: A little over a month ago I man I had been dating for 3 months (had been friends with for almost 2 years), dumped me out of the blue. It really came out of no where and I was in a bit of shock. Luckily the dating relationship had only gone on for 3 months before this happened. It was hurtful but I was able to pick myself back up and move on. Around the time of the break-up another male friend of mine stepped up and offered to take me out and keep me entertained so I didn’t think about it. It was exactly what I needed. I had met him about 6 months ago and liked him but my ex and I were on the early stages of starting to date so I kept our friendship very casual. In the last month since we started meeting for lunches and going to movies together its all been really nice. I knew he was interested in more than just friendship but I didn’t want to jump into anything. About two weeks ago I let him know I was interested in actually dating him but I wanted to take things very slowly. I didn’t want to rush into a relationship. He has been very cool with that and things have been really sweet. So…. this weekend neither of us has our kids and he asked if he could come over Saturday night and make me dinner. He then suggested I rent some movies for us to watch all night and let me know he didn’t have to pick up his kids until Sunday afternoon. I have taken his not so subtle hints that he hopes this to be our first “over night date.” I’m not really struggling with the dilemma of whether or not I want to sleep with him. I do. He is very attractive and we have great chemistry together. In fact the whole idea of having him make me dinner and then spending the night together seems almost too sweet and romantic to be true. I’m giddy at the thought. But ……. I have the slightest bit of concern over the fear that he may take this step as meaning we are an “instant” couple. I’m not ready for that. I have no problem dating him exclusively, but I’m not ready to become the other half of a couple yet. He hasn’t pressured me at all and to be honest he’s never even tried to infer our relationship is more than just two people that enjoy each others company and are dating. But at the same time he is a very sensitive guy and thoughtful guy and I would hate to hurt him if I am unable to commit to something I am not ready for yet. Maybe I am just thinking about this too much. But I would like to hear a guys perspective on it. Should I not sleep with him if I am not quite ready to be his girlfriend?
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 If you aren't ready to be a couple, then no, don't sleep with him. He sounds like a great guy and if you sleep with him now without wanting to be a couple, you're going to ruin any chance you might have together in the future...he'll get hurt even if he says it's ok not to rush into a relationship, and things won't be the same between you after. Don't mess him up - you know he's into you and wants more than you do. If you don't want it as much as he does, don't dive in.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 If you aren't ready to be a couple, then no, don't sleep with him. He sounds like a great guy and if you sleep with him now without wanting to be a couple, you're going to ruin any chance you might have together in the future...he'll get hurt even if he says it's ok not to rush into a relationship, and things won't be the same between you after. Don't mess him up - you know he's into you and wants more than you do. If you don't want it as much as he does, don't dive in. I understand what you are saying, but my question really is whether or not I am over estimating the impact of us sleeping together would have on him. If it was a guy asking this question I would tell him not to sleep with her unless he was ready for a more serious commitment. But I know that men don't put as much importance on sex as women do. To put it in perspective, I have slept with only a handful of men in my life (I'm 31). And by the time I slept with them I was already having visions of white picket fences and shiny rings in the back of my head. Sleeping with them was a huge step for me and signified more to me than to them. I think I'm older and a little wiser now. This is new territory for me and I would hate to pass up the chance of having a good time with a great guy that I enjoy spending time with just becasue I'm afraid he might fall in love or expect too much too soon. Just typing that made me laugh a little at how naive it sounded. I honestly want to know what guys would think about this. When you sleep with a girl do automatically assume she is your committed girlfriend? (based on my past experiences I'd say no, but I could be wrong)
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I understand what you are saying, but my question really is whether or not I am over estimating the impact of us sleeping together would have on him. If it was a guy asking this question I would tell him not to sleep with her unless he was ready for a more serious commitment. But I know that men don't put as much importance on sex as women do. To put it in perspective, I have slept with only a handful of men in my life (I'm 31). And by the time I slept with them I was already having visions of white picket fences and shiny rings in the back of my head. Sleeping with them was a huge step for me and signified more to me than to them. I think I'm older and a little wiser now. This is new territory for me and I would hate to pass up the chance of having a good time with a great guy that I enjoy spending time with just becasue I'm afraid he might fall in love or expect too much too soon. Just typing that made me laugh a little at how naive it sounded. I honestly want to know what guys would think about this. When you sleep with a girl do automatically assume she is your committed girlfriend? (based on my past experiences I'd say no, but I could be wrong) There are plenty of guys out there who would have sex and not think anything of it. But he's not one of those guys. This guy sounds like a "nice guy". Exactly the kind of guy who will fall in love and expect a lot if you sleep with him. Look, he's been hanging around you for how long with his feelings in check? He's probably posting on LS saying how much he's in love with this woman, but she wants to take it slow...does that mean he's in the friend-zone or does he still have a chance? You sleep with him now and there's no way he isn't going to get his hopes up. Just because you don't sleep with him on your date, doesn't mean you are passing anything up. The sex will be there later. Don't mess up a good guy with potential for a relationship when you are ready just for a night of sex.
GiveAndTake Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 You've already explained that you'd like to take it slow. If you cancel the 'sleepover' with him and tell him it's because you're not ready for the commitment, then, the day comes that you think you ARE ready, how much pressure will that be? It'll be like agreeing to marry him. I would leave it as you last discussed. You're taking things slowly but have your sleepover. It may end up bringing you into the commitment zone anyway. If it doesn't, I don't think you misled him at all.
Author annabelle75 Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 You've already explained that you'd like to take it slow. If you cancel the 'sleepover' with him and tell him it's because you're not ready for the commitment, then, the day comes that you think you ARE ready, how much pressure will that be? It'll be like agreeing to marry him. I would leave it as you last discussed. You're taking things slowly but have your sleepover. It may end up bringing you into the commitment zone anyway. If it doesn't, I don't think you misled him at all. That's how I've been feeling about it today. I've been up front with him about what I want right now and so I don't think I would be leading him on. Right now I just want to learn how to date some one with out it being such a dramatic emotional ordeal. I want to be able to just enjoy it and take it one day at a time with out having all the future expectations. If it leads to something more serious later on then that's great but I am not going to expect it. I want to spend more time with him and figure out if we really are a good match before I jump into a commitment. I'm hoping sex could be a part of our fun one day at a time relationship, but I won't really know until after this weekend. I'll let him take the lead and make sure he knows where I stand.
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