Totoro Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Hey everyone... Basically I'm kind of at a crossroads in my rel'ship and have been obsessing about some stuff. Background: My BF and I have been together since early November. He is in his mid 30s and this is his first serious relationship. It has been pretty serious since about March or so. We have briefly discussed marriage and kids (when I brought it up) and he says he could see us potentially marrying one day, but he isn't sure because it's too early...fair enough--I think I agree. It has only been about 6 or 7 months. Sooooo...the problem: He works a very high-stress job, usually working 12 hours a day, sometimes more. He sometimes has to work weekends too. Because of this (***supposedly***) we see each other maybe 1 weekday night and on weekends, but not necessarily the whole weekend. About once or twice a week, he goes out for drinks with work colleagues or former work colleagues. Basically I have been feeling sad and stressed not just because we don't see each other much, and I can't help but wonder if it is *really* because of the job. I understand that he's busy, tired, stressed, etc. BUT...if you are really into your girlfriend, I feel like those things shouldn't prevent you from going to see her. He has been at my apt on weekends, but he has NEVER come to stay at my place on a weekday night, and probably never will. He says it is because of these reasons: It's 30 minutes by subway in the opposite direction, he wouldn't get here till about 10 and then would need to go to bed by midnite. I just feel like if he were REALLY crazy about me, that wouldn't matter and he would want to come over anyway. I am not saying every night, just sometimes! I am more than willing to go to his place several nites a week, but I also want him to WANT to come to my place... I have several friends who have been in relationships for about the same amount of time but their BFs come over almost every night. It just hurts SO badly and makes me so jealous. I also think it's not totally off the wall to know that someone is "the one" after only 6-7 months. We have talked about this, and he says that because of his fast-paced job, the days go by really fast, and even if he hasn't seen me for like 5 days, he doesn't feel too bad because they go by in a flash. He *feels* like he sees me pretty often. So my question is basically: do you think, from my description, that it is REALLY the job or that he just isn't into me as much as I am into him? AND...if that is the case, is there any way in h*ll that could change? Like 6 months or a year down the line, he might start to feel more serious and want to see me more? I don't want to be overly hasty and just break up with him. But I also don't know how long I can go on like this, and I don't want to settle for less than I deserve...any advice? Thanks so much!
curiousnycgirl Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 A couple of thoughts - firstly it sounds like you've found yourself a very driven guy. secondly you cannot compare your relationship to anyone elses. Having said that - this is all about what your criteria is (are?) for a relationship. If you MUST see your SO every night, or multiple nights a week - it does not sound like this is the right guy for you. Personally I would feel suffocated if my guy ran over to be with me every or even every other night! I am a very independent person who has her own hobbies, etc. I am THRILLED with the time I do get to see my SO - and always am very happy when we are together - however when we are not, I have my own life. When we get married I will continue to have my own life. This is all about personal preferences and requirements - so there are no generically right or wrong answers - but there are answers that would be right for YOU. Not sure if this helps at all - but I guess it is something to think about
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 You're in a relationship with a guy who works 12 hours a day and on weekends sometimes. High stress. Even when he's home, the stress is there. Which means, he can't decompress quickly enough for him to enjoy a brief two hours with you at night. He's still in work mode in his head. So that two hours would just make you feel worse because his head wouldn't be in the room with you. Bottom line, if you want a bf who's around all the time, this guy isn't the one for you.
jcster Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Workaholics are addicts. They can't stop working, it's their biggest priority - loved ones will always come last. No one busts them for being an addict, because work is and acceptable drug. You're not wrong for wanting to be a priority in his life, but the situation is not likely to change anytime soon.
Krytellan Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Background: My BF and I have been together since early November. He is in his mid 30s and this is his first serious relationship. Wow, I have to think he's lying to you.
Art_Critic Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Workaholics are addicts. They can't stop working, it's their biggest priority - loved ones will always come last. No one busts them for being an addict, because work is and acceptable drug. You're not wrong for wanting to be a priority in his life, but the situation is not likely to change anytime soon. Right on target.. Speaking as someone who used to be a workaholic and has been known to work in excess of 110-120 hours per week when I was in my 20's and early 30's. I can tell you that we have the mentality that women or GF's come and go but the job remains. I have even been at work for up to 54 hours straight without sleep and in the same clothes and then go get 4-6 hours sleep and repeat close to the same thing over and over again... We have the mentality that only the job truly comes first and there is no breaking this part down any further. To successfully date a workaholic you must be able to be second in his life.. don't try and change him as this will fail.. When I got really serious and was going to be married and be a step father it changed me.. I made a pact with myself that I would be there to say goodnight to my kid every night.. I did it and even today I only work 40-60 hours a week..with splurges a little higher.. I would suggest that you let him know how much he means to you and support him in his endeavors.. most likely he will sooner or later learn how to smell the roses..
Author Totoro Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Wow, I have to think he's lying to you. No. He's not. I know--surprising. He was in one other relationship and has dated a little. He's a bit shy, which may be part of it...
Author Totoro Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Thanks for your input, everyone. Keep it coming! BTW I originally asked for "advice" in the heading but LS wouldn't let me--said it was prohibited. Wow--"advice" is a dirty word? A few things... First, he says he only wants to do this job for a year or two because of how stressful it is. So there MAY be a light at the end of the tunnel, but we'll see. Also, the situation is exacerbated by the fact that MY schedule is ridiculously free right now. That should change soon, but I am pretty confident that I will NEVER be as busy as he is. I don't necessarily need to see him "all the time." I just wonder if the fact that he doesn't wanna see ME all the time is a big red flag. Yes, a very obsessive way of thinking, but here we are...
kitesurfer Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Workaholics are addicts. They can't stop working, it's their biggest priority - loved ones will always come last. No one busts them for being an addict, because work is and acceptable drug. You're not wrong for wanting to be a priority in his life, but the situation is not likely to change anytime soon. my sentiments exactly! that is my current situation. my gf of 9 months is a workaholic. even after a 10 or 12 hour day, she still gets the phone calls at night--1030, midnight. 0500. she can't be in a love mode and a work mode at the same time. being very amorious and ready to jum my bones is often 'shut down' with a simple phone call. she grabs a bottle of wine to drink on the way home to decompress...and this too has caused problems. a worka holic will not change because they thrive on the stress. make the choice before you fall in love...like me
Recommended Posts