Baileykeg Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Hey everyone. Hope you've all had a great week. I need your input and advice here. I'm not really sure how to say what I want to say so bear with me as I ramble on. Most of you know the rollercoaster hell that I went through with my MM for over a year. All of the ups and downs while he "decided" if he truly was going to get the divorce he told me he was getting when we started dating. Anyway, he did. His divorce was final the beginning of April. We don't live in the same city so our relationship has always been long distance. It's worked for us and we see each other pretty much every weekend. We get along very well and haven't had one fight since all the divorce stuff is now behind us. We agreed when the divorce was final that we wouldn't jump into the "what's next" for us conversation. I told him that I was fine with giving him some time but that he needed to understand that at some point I do need to know what direction we are going in. The past few weeks I have been...I don't know how to describe it because "unhappy" doesn't seem to fit. Let's just say that something has been bothering me and I just really don't know what it is. I need help in figuring it out. Am I unhappy with our relationship? Not really. Do I love him? Yes. Am I completely in the dark about what happens next? Yes. Do I know what I want to happen next? No. We talked a little last weekend and I told him that I know we agreed not to have a serious talk right now but that he needed to know that I need to know at least something about the direction we were going. I am 37 and he is 39. I am a single mom of a 3 year old. We've talked in the past about having children and he says he wants to have them. I told him that I didn't want to be 40 when I had another child so I needed some kind of timetable. Initially he said "next year". Right now he has a high paying job in a specialized field in the town where he works. He can't get a job like that where I live. There is a possibility that his current company might let him transfer to my town and work from here but he hasn't approached them about that yet. Our initial dilema about what is next for us centers around his job. He says he's going to bring it up with his boss but I just don't know when that will be. I am frustrated with him in that he drags his feet about everything....the divorce, some personal finance issues he hasn't dealt with and now the job thing. It's really getting old. Is this what I want? I guess I'm at the point now where I just don't know anymore if this is all that we are going to be....talking on the phone everyday and seeing each other on weekend. I just don't have the energy to push him and go through all the stress of getting him off of his ass to make a decision. I've got nothing left after going through the divorce drama with him. Where do I go from here? Do I just resign myself to the fact that what we are is all we will be? I'm afraid too that if I push for us to move forward and we do that it won't ultimately be what I want. What is wrong with me?????Hey everyone. Hope you've all had a great week. I need your input and advice here. I'm not really sure how to say what I want to say so bear with me as I ramble on. Most of you know the rollercoaster hell that I went through with my MM for over a year. All of the ups and downs while he "decided" if he truly was going to get the divorce he told me he was getting when we started dating. Anyway, he did. His divorce was final the beginning of April. We don't live in the same city so our relationship has always been long distance. It's worked for us and we see each other pretty much every weekend. We get along very well and haven't had one fight since all the divorce stuff is now behind us. We agreed when the divorce was final that we wouldn't jump into the "what's next" for us conversation. I told him that I was fine with giving him some time but that he needed to understand that at some point I do need to know what direction we are going in. The past few weeks I have been...I don't know how to describe it because "unhappy" doesn't seem to fit. Let's just say that something has been bothering me and I just really don't know what it is. I need help in figuring it out. Am I unhappy with our relationship? Not really. Do I love him? Yes. Am I completely in the dark about what happens next? Yes. Do I know what I want to happen next? No. We talked a little last weekend and I told him that I know we agreed not to have a serious talk right now but that he needed to know that I need to know at least something about the direction we were going. I am 37 and he is 39. I am a single mom of a 3 year old. We've talked in the past about having children and he says he wants to have them. I told him that I didn't want to be 40 when I had another child so I needed some kind of timetable. Initially he said "next year". Right now he has a high paying job in a specialized field in the town where he works. He can't get a job like that where I live. There is a possibility that his current company might let him transfer to my town and work from here but he hasn't approached them about that yet. Our initial dilema about what is next for us centers around his job. He says he's going to bring it up with his boss but I just don't know when that will be. I am frustrated with him in that he drags his feet about everything....the divorce, some personal finance issues he hasn't dealt with and now the job thing. It's really getting old. Is this what I want? I guess I'm at the point now where I just don't know anymore if this is all that we are going to be....talking on the phone everyday and seeing each other on weekend. I just don't have the energy to push him and go through all the stress of getting him off of his ass to make a decision. I've got nothing left after going through the divorce drama with him. Where do I go from here? Do I just resign myself to the fact that what we are is all we will be? I'm afraid too that if I push for us to move forward and we do that it won't ultimately be what I want. What is wrong with me?????
TogetherForever Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Hi Bailey, I have one of the same questions in my relationship. Where will I be in 10, 20 30 years from now? If I find the answer, I'll let you know. Hang in there. God knows I am.
Kenzo Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Hi Bailey, I was lurking in the shadows here while your saga was coming to an end(beginning), but I do remember reading your threads. This is a sucky situation for you to be in! After so much time waiting and being so patient this is what it comes down to? I understand you not wanting to push the issue or get too deep in the relationship conversation, but you deserve to know what lies ahead. He says he is going to talk about making this move at work, well you have every right to ask him when this will happen. You are the SO now...you are the only one... Ask him what is going on with his job and the relocation, ask him what he sees ahead in the future of your relationship...no need to get too deep, just some basic guidelines, for you peace of mind.
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 You're not out of line in wanting to know what's what. That should be a given, and he should be excited about planning your future together. As I recall, he and his wife hadn't been "together" for a while, so it's not like he needs a lot of time to recover from the end of his relationship, though he might need some time since divorce is very final. I hate to say it, but...maybe now you are seeing why he and his wife didn't last as a couple? He seems to be a very wishy washy foot-dragging kind of guy who needs major prodding and ultimatums and you leaving him to get anything done. If this is who he is, it will carry through in everything he does. Give some thought to whether you actually want to sign up for a lifetime of being his 'mommy' and pushing him to do things.
silktricks Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Up to now you've been in the position of "wanting" the unobtainable. Now that it may be obtainable you are looking at it from a different viewpoint. It's kinda like car shopping. It's easy to look at a car in your neighbor's driveway and go "oh THAT's the car that I want. It's perfect, so pretty, it smells good, and just exactly fits me." When you actually have the money in your hand to go buy a car, though, you get more discriminating. Now it's time to be critical. Now it's, "how does the engine run, what's the gas mileage, what's the expected upkeep on this vehicle." Now you can allow yourself to more clearly see the dings and dents in the item (the MM) to see if it's truly what you want. Be good to yourself and take care.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I think what is bothering is ofcourse the not knowing. One other thing, though, is the lack of control that you have over your future still. I would venture to guess that you expected to have more control over your life toghter after the divorce is final. It also sounds as though he has somewhat of an avoidant personality, maybe you are rethinking the importance of that and how it might affect your life. Good Luck.
Guest Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 He only recently got divorced, so he is not like single man who has never been married. I think the poster needs to step back and decide whether the drama of trying to win her mm has somehow outstripped the prize of actually getting him. She had a mainly long distance relationship, so how much does she actualy know about him as a person. When I spent some time with my xmm, the more I realised that he was a chauvinist and always wanted his own way. Seeing him for 5 hours a week was much easier to bear than a full time relationship. I fell out of love with him and began to dislike him and it was easy to walk away.
OldEurope Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Where do I go from here? Do I just resign myself to the fact that what we are is all we will be? I'm afraid too that if I push for us to move forward and we do that it won't ultimately be what I want. What is wrong with me????? Where do I go from here? Do I just resign myself to the fact that what we are is all we will be? I'm afraid too that if I push for us to move forward and we do that it won't ultimately be what I want. What is wrong with me????? Bailey, you go away and you stay away. That's it. Time for a disappearing act. If he does not want to lose you, he will not lose you. xo OE
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 An exit affair with a long goodbye, it sounds like. It sounds like he didn't divorce for you, so much as he divorced because he didn't want to be married and have "marriage type" responsibilities anymore - nor does he want to find himself in that boat again any time soon.
Author Baileykeg Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Just wanted to give a quick update. We had a long talk over the weekend and I was able to tell him how I was feeling and what I needed from him. He agreed that we hadn't been communicating very well about "what is next" for us. Right now our biggest hurdle is determining whether his job will allow him to transfer to my city. He's going to go ahead and speak with his bosses in the next few weeks and see if they are open to letting him move. If not, we'll at least have our answer as far as his job is concerned and can make our decisions accordingly at that point as far as how much longer he would stay there or if he would look for something in a different field closer to me. He says that he believes everything we are doing is working toward a future for us. He says that having just gone through the divorce that he still feels a little "off balance" with his life and he needs to get centered again. I can understand that to some extent but I told him that I don't want to be in the same situation we are in right now months down the road where we are still trying to "decide" where our relationship goes. I told him that if he doesn't already know right now that he wants marriage and a future with me that he needs to let me go because all we are doing is wasting our time and prolonging the inevitable. He said he understood how I felt and that he wants a future. I still think I need to clarify a few things now that I've had a little time to think because I'm still worried that all we are doing is just drifting along with no plan.
GreenEyedLady Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Hey BK! Don't you just love the doom and gloom?! Gotta love LS! It's NOT like a box of chocolates, you already know what you're going to get... It's good that you guys are communicating...this is a transition time, so just take it slow...let him know your wants and needs and don't settle for less than you want...
Author Baileykeg Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Yes, GEL. I think I should have just stuck with my "safe place". haha
GreenEyedLady Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Yes, GEL. I think I should have just stuck with my "safe place". haha :lmao::lmao:
PoshPrincess Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 Hi Bailey Sorry, have only just caught up with your latest thread as have been off-line for a while. I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling so much frustration in your relationship. I have to say it must be very hard for both of you. The best advice I can give is for you to go with the flow and take things as slowly as your patience (and biological clock;)) will allow! I know that him and his exW were apart for some time but although you were seeing him for a year your sitch is now NEW. Sorry, I am probably contradicting myself here somewhat when I say, however, that I think you are well within your rights to want to know where you stand. Normally I would say wait and see how things pan out but I totally understand where you're coming from with the age / having more kids thing. I am 36 and my son is also 3. I would love more kids and I know that if I had ended up with MM I would have definitelty wanted them with him. Now I have to meet Mr Right all over again, and although I am seriously broody again I have to face facts that this may never happen. I am just SO grateful to have my son as this is more than some women ever have. It must be harder for you now, than for me as you ARE with Mr Right and, as far as you have been aware, he would also like children. It sounds like you're discussion you have had with him has made you see things more clearly. I guess that before this you may have felt like you were treading on eggshells so it is always best to have things out in the open. I have to say it does sound like he is a bit indecisive. He seems like he's dragging his heels and needs a good kick up the backside (Please don't be offended - I mean this in the nicest possible way!). It is not fair of people to judge your situation on his past relationship as you are not his wife. You are an individual with a totally different personality and you are the one he loves and has chosen to be with. Some people take their time over change and decision making and he is obviously one of them. Wouldn't it be a boring world if we were all the same? I think what you need is to work out whether you can handle this after everything else the two of you have been through. What do you want more, another child or your man? I am sure his good points far outweigh his imperfections, otherwise you wouldn't be so in love with him! Keep smiling
Author Baileykeg Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 Thanks Posh. Great to hear from you. I feel a little better about the situation as of right now. I still had some unresolved questions that I needed answers to so I wrote them down and gave them to him. I told him that I still had a few areas that I needed clearer answers on as a follow-up to our conversation from last weekend. I specifically asked him what he wanted from our relationship, what specifically was it that was "holding him back" from wanting to be married again and whether or not any of those reasons related to his feelings for me or his feelings about marriage in general. I gave him my list and told him that I just wanted him to know what I was thinking and the areas that I still need some specific answers. I said that we didn't have to talk about it right now and that he could take some time to think things over. He told me yesterday that he scheduled a meeting with his boss to talk about whether his company will let him move to my city. I was pleased to see that he took that step. He also has addressed the financial issue that has been lingering around forever that he needed to deal with. I feel like he's realizing that he can't just continue to "drift along" in life and that he's got to get some things in order. I'm going to just sit back for a while and see where we go from here. I'm going to do my best to wait and see how he responds to my questions. I feel like that if I bring it up again that he will feel like I'm pressuring him. I know in a way that I am but it's frustrating to not have some idea of where we are going. I guess at this point time will tell. At least we're past all the drama with the xwife so the time that we spend together now is completely happy!
frannie Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 BK I hate to be a voice of doom and gloom on this but... this man really loves to drag his feet on things, for whatever reason... or looked at another way you really need things to go a lot quicker than he ever does. Not suggesting for a minute either of you is 'right' or 'wrong' on this Do you think you will ever be happy with him, given that your personalities on this seem so misaligned?
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