LoveLace Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I've read that men only really get married because it's expected of them...not because they really want to. This bothers me! I do know that less women want to marry nowadays, too, in order to concentrate on their careers, etc, and are more committment-phobed than ever before. But I want it all: marriage, career, family. People always ask me why do I want to get married so bad. I just do!! I've dreamt of it my whole life, but I'm 30 yrs. old still looking for The One. I keep watching all of my friends make this dream come true when they haven't even really planned it, for them it just happens. Everybody thinks I'm crazy for being anxious, cuz I'm still "young"...hello!! I'm not "young" enough to date for 5 yrs. like they did, then get proposed to, get married, have babies. I feel sorry for the next guy I'm serious with, because I will be in a huge hurry to marry and start a family. I won't change my mind about any of it. So am I screwed or what? What is the truth about men and how they really feel about marriage? Am I desperately hoping for a fantasy that will never come true?
Woggle Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Men are more afraid of divorce than marriage. With the walkaway wife thing spreading like wildfire and more and more women cheating some men wonder if it is even worth the risk. All a woman has to do is snap her fingers and say she is not happy and a man can lose everything. It seems that relations between men and women are at an all time low and there is little trust between the genders so I feel for somebody like you that just wants a happy family. I hope you find it one day.
sb129 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Oh come one Woggle, that CAN'T be the reason. Thats ridiculous. And there are some cases now where the women have been the ones who got screwed financially in the divorce. Lovelace, I met the man of my dreams when I was 29. I am still 29- I met him the day after my birthday, and I am 30 in October. I know he is The One. we have talked about marriage and kids aready, even tho alot of people on here will say its too soon, we both knew that we wanted to be together. The good thing about men when they get beyond 30 is you CAN (or should be able to) talk to them about things like kids and marriage without them freaking out and running a mile. I hope it works out for you.....
Teddy and Jane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Men don't get screwed financially in divorce. The studies prove that women suffer more financially in divorce. However, women are good at bouncing back. Also, more and more fathers are getting joint custody, I know three guys off the top of my head who have joint custody, being a teacher, TONS of my students with divorced parents live with their dads for half of the week and their moms for the other half.
hardcase Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Oh come one Woggle, that CAN'T be the reason. Thats ridiculous. And there are some cases now where the women have been the ones who got screwed financially in the divorce. Well...actually, he isn't that far off base. I got married because I loved her...I wanted to be married..I wanted a family. If I had knowledge of what was going to happen...I'd never have ever gotten married..to her or anyone else...ever. I think some men see the mess other couples are having and say to themselves...."f#ck that...who needs that shi!t". And yes, it works the other way around too.
hardcase Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Men don't get screwed financially in divorce. The studies prove that women suffer more financially in divorce. However, women are good at bouncing back. Also, more and more fathers are getting joint custody, I know three guys off the top of my head who have joint custody, being a teacher, TONS of my students with divorced parents live with their dads for half of the week and their moms for the other half. Tell that to the men that lose the house to the wife...lose custody...and then have to go move into some crummy little apartment. I know at least 4 guys in my town that this happened to...and it was their wives that were the cheaters.
Author LoveLace Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Well I see what your saying Woggle..it is true that women are stronger and more likely to speak up if she's unhappy, and more likely to just leave if she wants to. But men are just as likely to cheat...they just aren't as likely to leave, though. I think women are more confident in knowing they will be ok in starting a new life...men don't want to lose their comfy life and I believe they are more dependent on women emotionally than vice-versa. I'm sad that so many people say "don't do it" and talk of marriage like it's such a mistake. And it is a mistake for some, I'm sure. But I can't stand how guys B.S. with their buddies and complain about the wife weighing them down, etc, and influence their single buds to never let it happen to them. If I date a guy that swears against marriage, I make sure not to pressure him into thinking it's all I want. Then his next girlfriend ends up being the one he marries!! I've also dated a guy that acted as though marriage and kids was his goal, but he treated me like crap and didn't put much effort into having a relationship. I just don't get it. I hope I get as lucky as you sb129. I'll be 31 in about 8 months and it's killin' me. It's so hard to watch my friends have these big weddings, have babies and buy houses. Next to them I feel I've accomplished nothing. I live in small apt. I can barely afford and still trying to get a nursing degree. I feel like I'm the 30 yr. old single college kid. Do men wonder about a single 30 year-old woman and why she isn't married yet? Do they think something must be wrong with her?
sb129 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Well...actually, he isn't that far off base. I got married because I loved her...I wanted to be married..I wanted a family. If I had knowledge of what was going to happen...I'd never have ever gotten married..to her or anyone else...ever. I think some men see the mess other couples are having and say to themselves...."f#ck that...who needs that shi!t". And yes, it works the other way around too. I acknowledge that this happens, I have seen it first hand. But what I meant was that can't be the SOLE reason that men don't want to get married. And its a bit of a generalisation, isn't it? Lovelace is single, not in a R waiting for her BF to propose. (Am I right LL? Please correct me if I am wrong). I think she wants to know where the men are and why they are committment-phobic??
Touche Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Well I was 33 when I met my "One" and he was 39. Marriage was the furtherst thing from my mind because when I met my H I was separated from my ex-H. But 4 weeks after we met, he proposed and I said yes. We got married 8 months later and I got pregnant on our honeymoon. That was 12 years ago now. Let me say that it was HE who pushed for marriage. He wanted another child too. And I've always wanted to be a mother but before I met him, I really thought it was too late and I missed my chance. So you never know what can happen. Don't give up hope.
sb129 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I hope I get as lucky as you sb129. I'll be 31 in about 8 months and it's killin' me. It's so hard to watch my friends have these big weddings, have babies and buy houses. Next to them I feel I've accomplished nothing. I live in small apt. I can barely afford and still trying to get a nursing degree. I feel like I'm the 30 yr. old single college kid. Do men wonder about a single 30 year-old woman and why she isn't married yet? Do they think something must be wrong with her? I know what you mean re: friends getting married and having babies etc. Mine were/are too. But alot of them get jealous at the singletons so the grass always seems to be greener on the other side! You are doing a nursing degree- thats accomplished in my eyes! There is NOTHING wrong with you. I think women impose this 30 year milestone as the end point of when you should be "settling down". Its wrong, its just another age! Some people take a bit longer.... I hate using celebs as examples, but there are alot of older Mums out their, having their first babies after 30. And with modern medicine its OK to do so. Dont' worry so much hon. Finish your studies- thats important. Who knows you might meet a hunky doctor. (eek!)
elias2k2 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Well what I can say about that is not to hurry as much, give it some time, the more that you rush and rush the more the longer it will take. The fact that you say that makes me wonder why you haven't gotten married. Marriage is not what every body thinks, you get married it means you have to deal with a lot of crap. About your friends getting married first, you don't the whole story behind them, they might be a bull**** marriage who knows, I know a few married people that don't even sleep in the same room. Wait, look around, don't rush into things because the more you do the worst of a guy that you will get, you can end up with a total weirdo. And remember that everything is meant to be, if you are meant to get married, then you will but if you are not, it will be tough. Acceptance is the key. I've read that men only really get married because it's expected of them...not because they really want to. This bothers me! I do know that less women want to marry nowadays, too, in order to concentrate on their careers, etc, and are more committment-phobed than ever before. But I want it all: marriage, career, family. People always ask me why do I want to get married so bad. I just do!! I've dreamt of it my whole life, but I'm 30 yrs. old still looking for The One. I keep watching all of my friends make this dream come true when they haven't even really planned it, for them it just happens. Everybody thinks I'm crazy for being anxious, cuz I'm still "young"...hello!! I'm not "young" enough to date for 5 yrs. like they did, then get proposed to, get married, have babies. I feel sorry for the next guy I'm serious with, because I will be in a huge hurry to marry and start a family. I won't change my mind about any of it. So am I screwed or what? What is the truth about men and how they really feel about marriage? Am I desperately hoping for a fantasy that will never come true?
Author LoveLace Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 I acknowledge that this happens, I have seen it first hand. But what I meant was that can't be the SOLE reason that men don't want to get married. And its a bit of a generalisation, isn't it? Lovelace is single, not in a R waiting for her BF to propose. (Am I right LL? Please correct me if I am wrong). I think she wants to know where the men are and why they are committment-phobic?? Your correct, I don't have a boyfriend. None of the guys I date seem interested in being my boyfriend, or sweeping off my feet. They all just want to goof off a while and leave me hanging. And I'm not clingy or demanding by any means. I know better then to do any of those classic things that are known to scare a guy off. I"m always told how attractive and fun I am, etc, ...for such an anxious person I'd say I've been more than patient, and the patience is running out faster and faster. So what if I'm not married yet; but I feel like something's terribly wrong that I don't even have a steady boyfriend yet..I blame it on meeting all the wrong ones in the past. But it seems there has to be some other reason why the thing I want the most is so far out of my reach but seems to come so easily to everyone else.
Woggle Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Men are not commitment phobic. We tend to honor that commitment once we make while women will throw a man out of the family on a whim if things are less than 100% perfect. If you ask me women don't take commitment seriously. They think it is some game to get a man to commit but once he does she does not take that commitment seriously. Does it surprise you that men are fearful of marriage when they see their friends and the men around them going through the same thing? Chances are many of your friends getting married will eventually walk out so don't worry.
Author LoveLace Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Men are not commitment phobic. We tend to honor that commitment once we make while women will throw a man out of the family on a whim if things are less than 100% perfect. If you ask me women don't take commitment seriously. They think it is some game to get a man to commit but once he does she does not take that commitment seriously. Does it surprise you that men are fearful of marriage when they see their friends and the men around them going through the same thing? Chances are many of your friends getting married will eventually walk out so don't worry. I don't know woggle..to my own surprise, out of all couples i've known to get married, I think only one of them have split so far...the others have been married for years and don't appear to be anywhere near the end...I know looks can be deceiving..but still I'm amazed at how happy they all seem to be, not just after a couple years of marriage, but after several years.
sb129 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Woggle you have made HUGE sweeping generalisations. I really hate it when people say WOMEN ARE_________ because we are all different just as men are all different. There are some recurring traits, but each person is an individual and shouldn't be labeled just because they are a man or a woman for heavens sake. LL- you are panicking. I also think your expectations might be a little high, and this isn't good when starting a new R. you need to relax a little, have fun. Its not ALL about marriage and kids, its about spending time with someone whos company you enjoy and who makes you feel good. If you marry someone, you have to want to be around them, I think you are thinking about it too much from the other way around.
Touche Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Men are not commitment phobic. We tend to honor that commitment once we make while women will throw a man out of the family on a whim if things are less than 100% perfect. If you ask me women don't take commitment seriously. They think it is some game to get a man to commit but once he does she does not take that commitment seriously. Does it surprise you that men are fearful of marriage when they see their friends and the men around them going through the same thing? Chances are many of your friends getting married will eventually walk out so don't worry. Where do you come up with this stuff? That's ridiculous. Men walk out of marriages all the time! You've obviously never talked to a divorce lawyer about this subject. They don't get anymore female clients walking away from their marriages than they do males. Get real will you?
sb129 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 And comparing yourself to everyone else = recipe for insecurity and disaster. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone has their ups and downs. My mums best friend was in the "happiest marriage of their whole group of friends" and one day she upped and walked out with her husbands boss. Kids are a huge responsibility and commitment, and can put a reasonable amount of strain on a relationship, regardless of how strong/ long term it is.
Woggle Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I don't know woggle..to my own surprise, out of all couples i've known to get married, I think only one of them have split so far...the others have been married for years and don't appear to be anywhere near the end...I know looks can be deceiving..but still I'm amazed at how happy they all seem to be, not just after a couple years of marriage, but after several years. Maybe your friends are different. I know that I can count the number of happy couples besides my wife and I that I know on one hand. I have a friend from childhood that is getting married in June though and I have a good feeling about his marriage. Relations between men and women are at a low right now and some men's and women's negative attitude towards commitment reflects this rift.
Woggle Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Where do you come up with this stuff? That's ridiculous. Men walk out of marriages all the time! You've obviously never talked to a divorce lawyer about this subject. They don't get anymore female clients walking away from their marriages than they do males. Get real will you? Women initiate 75% of divorces and you don't see too many women blindsided by a walkaway husband.
sb129 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Maybe your friends are different. I know that I can count the number of happy couples besides my wife and I that I know on one hand. I have a friend from childhood that is getting married in June though and I have a good feeling about his marriage. Relations between men and women are at a low right now and some men's and women's negative attitude towards commitment reflects this rift. !!!!! Once again a generalisation! I do not have a negative attitude towards commitment, therefore I resent being stereotyped by you. And how on EARTH do you figure that relations between men and women are at a low? From being on LS? Thats hardly representative of the population- people come here for advice, so most of them have some degree of heartache behind them.
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Women initiate 75% of divorces You really have to understand that just because someone files for divorce, doesn't mean they've walked away for no reason or without working on the marriage or without a great deal of thought. It's like break-ups...the person who ultimately walks away is often doing it after being neglected, cheated on, and you don't see too many women blindsided by a walkaway husband. And where are your statistics for this? Or is it just anecdotal? If it's anecdotal, then a I guarantee it's someone who wasn't paying attention to their marriage.
allina Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 If you want to get married one day then you will LL. Just be sure that when you meet a guy who is willing to take that step with you he's actually the one, not just a guy with the same marriage goals as you. Also the days of women over thirty having slim chances of finding a husband are long gone. I turned 24 a few weeks ago, I'm living with my bf and we are getting engaged this year. My mother shocked me a while ago by saying something like "well you're no fresh bun" when referring to marriage and my age. This coming from a modern and educated woman was really silly and outdated. I'm like you, I want to get married, but more importantly I want to marry my bf who is such a great man words can't describe it. Marriage can turn BAD and end up being a huge mistake so both men and women should proceed with caution. I have a friend who got married in June of '06. They just bought a house and things seemed great. I was so jealous, in my eyes this girl had it all. Sadly it turned out he really didn't feel "ready" (you would have never known, especially at the wedding) Four months in to the marriage he started cheating and she found out. Of course she was crushed, she was willing to work it out, he wasn't. He left her, the marriage is over, after less than one year. And the girl it happened to is a smart, strong woman. I admit that seeing this happen gave me and a few of our mutual friends a bit of a scare when it comes to marriage.
Woggle Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 !!!!! Once again a generalisation! I do not have a negative attitude towards commitment, therefore I resent being stereotyped by you. And how on EARTH do you figure that relations between men and women are at a low? From being on LS? Thats hardly representative of the population- people come here for advice, so most of them have some degree of heartache behind them. Like I always say if what I say does not apply I am not talking about you but what I say is true of most women. Look around and you will see that relations between men and women are horrible. We barely even like each other anymore. We are sexually attracted to each other but there is a cold war between men and women that makes it very hard for those that just want love.
Touche Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Women initiate 75% of divorces and you don't see too many women blindsided by a walkaway husband. Then you need to get out more...MANY women are "blind-sided." And I've venture to say that women file more often because men stray in a marriage more often than a woman will. Besides, the person filing is not always the only one who wants the divorce. You really can't go by that. You really don't have your facts straight on this. You really don't. I challenge you to go and talk to some divorce lawyers if you don't believe me. You'll be proven wrong. Like I said you need to get out more. You're in a microcosm it sounds like. I know PLENTY of happily married people (including my H and I. - Married a long time too..not newlyweds like you both are.)
Author LoveLace Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Everyone thought me, my parents and I were the "perfect" little family, but dad met someone else and left after 22 yrs. of marriage. He completely supported my mom and I, so suddenly she was 40-something looking for a job when she hadn't worked in years. Mom got our house and dad was upset about it, but he did it to himself. He has to give her money until he retires which is in a year now. And mom has a job, but she is already worried about how she's going to keep her condo. She is already counting on me to finish nursing school so that she can stop working and is already expecting me to support her. It makes me angry with her and my father both. I haven't even started my own life yet and already feel the huge burden of my mother. Part of me wonders if I deny my own truth that I actually don't trust men, probably because of my father (he and I are still close though). I've watched my mom be alone and independent for the last 15 years. Maybe I'm still alone and independent because that's the example I've been closest to. Maybe my past relationships haven't worked out because, even though I think I'm doing a good thing by hiding emotions in order not to scare a guy, perhaps it's really just a sign that I'm scared to death of loving and trusting someone. Yet I pray till I'm blue in the face to have a family...what's wrong with me!
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