It's been 5 months, but I'm hit with longing!

[polywog]

Hey all,

 

It's been 5 months since the 9yr live in LTR ended (His choice) and I've been slogging along, feeling like I'm doing OK despite the grief. Until the past few days.

 

I feel like I've been taken over by some crazy part of myself that feels like an abandonned child. I keep thinking that the ex will somehow change his mind and realize what a fool he's been to let me go. I feel enormously angry and sad that the rug was pulled out from underneath me and that the home I had to leave is more mine than his, though he owns it. I am furious. I am looking for confirmation from everyone else that he's a fool; his parents, his friends, his co-workers (and that's not too hard, because they do think he's a fool to let me go). This has just hit hard in the past day.

 

I did something so embarrassing and dumb yesterday, and please don't rub it in because I know it was beyond stupid. I saw him, and asked him for a ride to my temporary apt.(yes, bad idea....it gets worse..). He seemed annoyed, and I'm sure he was, but he politely went ahead. While in the car I just lost it, and told him how I felt. I asked him why he broke up with me, informed him that I am more beautiful and accomplished than his new gf, that no one will ever love him like I did, that he never appreciated what I brought to the relationship, etc etc....can't believe I did it, but I did. I even told him how much I missed sex with him. He was trapped and annoyed, and informed me that he has been trying to break up with me for two years because he was not happy with me. I don't need to go into more details, because you all get the gist. I was not accepting the end, and this ex was trapped in a car with me making a fool of myself.

 

My therapist told me that I will probably take about a year or so to heal, and that I should not be hard on myself. Well, it's hard not to feel bad about what I did yesterday, because I'm not following any of the advice I post on other people's threads. And by the way, I spent a good chunk of yesterday posting away on LS....

 

Anyhow, this is just a rant. An embarrassing one. I can't tell anyone but you guys. It just feels like one step forward, two steps backward right now, and I know it will get better, but right now it just feels like I'm a big festering wound.

 

Thanks for reading....

[Art_Critic]

you need a hug........(((polywog)))

 

Sorry you are having a tough time of it.. at the very least you got to get it off your chest..

[polywog]

you need a hug........(((polywog)))

 

Sorry you are having a tough time of it.. at the very least you got to get it off your chest..

 

Yeah, thanks Art !

 

I know it's just one of those down times. It was a long relationship that ended against my will, so I gotta cut myself some slack. The thing is, I know he was not right for me, not loving enough, or enough of a partner, but the hard thing for me is giving up that darned dream..... that this was "it", etc...

 

Others here have gone through it and survived, I think you have, too... but when one is in it, it's another story! We're like animals giving up our territory, thinking with the primitive brain, or something like that.

 

Something did occurr to me after my post, which is that yesterday was the anniversary of my father's car accident that lead to his death all those years ago. A therapist I saw for a time pointed out that I always got upset around that anniversary. That would explain some of this.

[LaughMachine]

Wow that is a really long relationship you had there. No one really will know how long it will take for you to get over this person. Sometimes it just takes more than a year and sometimes more than 2 years. For that long of a relationship man it will be very hard to get over.

 

Your at the stage of questioning because It's still so raw and new for you that this is all over. I feel your pain and grief.

 

I personally think at the one year mark of your breakup you will still be upset and you will still think about it, but that is perfectly normal. Pain doesn't just go away. It takes alot of time

 

We all go through it and It's hard to imagine that we are going through it but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Sorry if I scared you about how long the healing process can take, but It's completely normal.

[LaughMachine]

Yeah, thanks Art !

 

I know it's just one of those down times. It was a long relationship that ended against my will, so I gotta cut myself some slack. The thing is, I know he was not right for me, not loving enough, or enough of a partner, but the hard thing for me is giving up that darned dream..... that this was "it", etc...

 

Others here have gone through it and survived, I think you have, too... but when one is in it, it's another story! We're like animals giving up our territory, thinking with the primitive brain, or something like that.

 

Something did occurr to me after my post, which is that yesterday was the anniversary of my father's car accident that lead to his death all those years ago. A therapist I saw for a time pointed out that I always got upset around that anniversary. That would explain some of this.

 

 

I'm sorry about your dads death too. I do agree with the therapist that thats why you could probaly be feeling a bit emotional.

 

When were in the situation It is completely different. You don't think your gonna get through it but time proves that otherwise.

[AriaIncognito]

Try not to be too hard on yourself, polywog.

 

Yes, we all sit here and give advice, and most of the time, it's advice we KNOW we also need to follow. But the reality of it all is, it's easier said than done. It's easy to tell hurting people to go NC and try to move on. It's hard as heck to do it yourself, because it's dealing with your own emotions.

 

This was a very significant relationship. 9 years is a long time. Allow yourself time to get over it. It wont happen as quickly as you hope, but it will happen eventually, when you're ready for it. Until then, keep posting.

 

(((hugs)))

[aaaaaiiiiieeeee]

polywog love,

 

Please be good to yourself. Don't worry about what happened. It happened and you did it b/c you felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I've been feeling way better since my split, but there are days when I feel the entire weight of the world crushing me. I feel like calling her, writing her, just hoping that if perhaps she sees me again just one more time it will change. It's one of the pangs of the addiction. Ride the wave through and it gets better and better after every time.

[oppath]

I feel for you Polywog. I was only in a 6 months relationship, and almost 4.5 months later, I'm not over it. I reckon it will take me a year given the feelings I had and my tendencies for anxiety and depression. Quite simply, I lost control of rational thought following the breakup, and recovering from that is as difficult as the relationship ending itself.

 

Do not be hard on yourself. You were honest with your feelings. I applaud you for that. So many people aren't, in fact, your EX was not fully honest with you! And that hurt you, as it should! Nothing is wrong with being honest with your feelings, as long as you can step back afterwards and recognize what was rational, and what was irrational. I know you have that ability.

 

So what if you took two steps back yesterday. You've taken NUMEROUS STEPS FORWARD! You are entitled to going backwards occasionally. It is human, it is healthy, because you will ultimately learn from it.

[Jinxx]

I did something so embarrassing and dumb yesterday, and please don't rub it in because I know it was beyond stupid. I saw him, and asked him for a ride to my temporary apt.(yes, bad idea....it gets worse..). He seemed annoyed, and I'm sure he was, but he politely went ahead. While in the car I just lost it, and told him how I felt. I asked him why he broke up with me, informed him that I am more beautiful and accomplished than his new gf, that no one will ever love him like I did, that he never appreciated what I brought to the relationship, etc etc....can't believe I did it, but I did. I even told him how much I missed sex with him. He was trapped and annoyed, and informed me that he has been trying to break up with me for two years because he was not happy with me. I don't need to go into more details, because you all get the gist. I was not accepting the end, and this ex was trapped in a car with me making a fool of myself.

 

You're human. Don't beat yourself up over this.

 

He has moved on while you're still dealing with the pain and rejection of your failed relationship.

 

In time it will get better. Hugs to you.

[polywog]

Thanks so much everyone

 

You all are the best. I'm glad no one judged me for the dumb thing I did. And especially grateful for how undersanding you are about how giant the end of a long relationship is. I guess I keep thinking I should be more over it than I am, after 5 months. And sometimes I feel like I'm getting there a bit, but some days I just hurt like heck, unbearably. And miss the dream life (my man, my home, garden, great neighbors, sigh) I lost, that's almost the hardest part, accepting that I can't have that anymore. And all the fear that I'll never have it again, not like that. I better stop!

 

Thanks again, LSer pals:love:

[MagnoliaJane]

Hi Poly,

 

I think many of us are guilty of the same thing you did. I guess that happens when you love someone, loose that person, and have to grief that loss while he is still physically present and you are coping with all the feelings of unbelief, hurt, denial, anger, and so on...

 

It's only natural that, knowing he's there, still within physical reach, you are compelled to reach out. Until you accept... that it's over. He's gone emotionally albeit not physically. And your earth/home/ground has been shaken. And you stand there, powerless over that situation.

 

What you did only makes you human. Nothing less than that.

 

Hugs--

[Ssheena]

Sorry Poly. I've done my share of pleading and yelling and questioning at my x's too and it hasn't changed anything. It is also tough when you have to see them or run the chance of seeing them where you live.

 

Don't beat yourself up for it, it was just a momentary moment of insanity and plus, what you told him was all true wasn't it? He is so stupid for letting you go and what else? He doesn't deserve you at all.

 

And, as far as the anniversary thing, that is so true. I am having a tough time right now and if I think back on it, this is when my marriage broke up years ago. I believe our minds/bodies remember when they have been badly hurt and go into protection mode when those times come around. I even do when I get to the time of the year when I have lost some of my closer pets.

 

At least you are "real".

 

Sending you lots of strength and the ability to forgive yourself. Your letter to yourself in the water cooler or off topic forum was right on. I'm sure many of us LS'ers could say all the same things to you..

 

Take care.

[ilmw]

Hi Polly...

 

Yeah... I'm in agreement with every one else... don't beat yourself..

 

Geesh.. I still do stupid things... but they get less stupid over time.. You gain control over this more and more over time,,,

[polywog]

Magnolia, Sheena, & ilmw....

 

Thanks for the niceness! Your comments and warm support are what make this place so darn wonderful. I appreciate it so much, and I send all my best vibes your ways....

 

I've never had a chance to read your heartbreak threads, magnolia or ssheena because I think they were before I appeared here, but I've read ilmw's threads many times and take heart in your strength through your struggle, dude.

 

y'all are the best.

[Star Gazer]

Polywog - Please don't beat yourself up over the car ride. I would have done the same exact thing, and kinda have in the past. I was embarassed for myself afterward, but after I got over that feeling I was able to find a sense of peace and pride once again because I felt I had "got it all out."

 

TTSP said something great to me yesterday that you should consider as well: "Sometimes it takes a humiliating experience to regain the value of your dignity." You'll find it again - that, and happiness and love. I'm certain of it.

 

That said, you're human, and you have a huge heart. That is nothing to be embarassed of!!

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with everyone else. poly, you have one of the biggest hearts on LS, trying to help people without judgement.

 

You're experiencing double-vision, what you thought he was and what he was and is today. You also miss the security and relationship aspect of an LTR. It's not surprising you want this all back.

 

Go out and spoil yourself poly. You deserve it.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Far from being a dumb thing, I think it was a very powerful and strong thing that you did. You told someone who has hurt you, who has pulled the rug from underneath you after procrastinating for two years, wasting TWO years out of YOUR life, that you were worth more than that. You took control and told him exactly how your were feeling. Dont think of it as dumb, think of it as empowering.

 

Plus - I do funny things round my dads anniverary too, even though sometimes I dont realise its even the date of his death. Funny how things like that work.

 

Forgive yourself for this because you havent done anything wrong, you're just reacting to being wronged by someone you loved.

 

Big Hug

[polywog]

I agree with everyone else. poly, you have one of the biggest hearts on LS, trying to help people without judgement.

 

That's a very sweet thing to say. I'll tell you, if I seem to have a big non-judgemental heart it's because I've been almost everyone here on LS at some point. I'm not that young, and have been on all sides of the love-spectrum. I've been the selfish emotionally stunted dumper (many times!:,) have been married to a narcissist, and had flings with guys who'd be great catches if I'd been ready, and guys who were a-holes but were sexy-- superficial relationships, those were . I've been humbled many times. It has made me compassionate, and hopefully even a little wise, and thank god Capricorns age well and get smarter as they get older because it gives me hope. Anyhow, my "big heart" has been hard won!

 

Far from being a dumb thing, I think it was a very powerful and strong thing that you did. You told someone who has hurt you, who has pulled the rug from underneath you after procrastinating for two years, wasting TWO years out of YOUR life, that you were worth more than that. You took control and told him exactly how your were feeling. Dont think of it as dumb, think of it as empowering.

 

Plus - I do funny things round my dads anniverary too, even though sometimes I dont realise its even the date of his death. Funny how things like that work.

 

Forgive yourself for this because you havent done anything wrong, you're just reacting to being wronged by someone you loved.

 

Big Hug

 

Thanks Je Ne Regret. Especially your comment about the anniversary stuff, as I always feel funny about that, like "when will I get over it?"

You are dear. Hugs to you back.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

He was trapped and annoyed, and informed me that he has been trying to break up with me for two years because he was not happy with me.

 

Well, he "just" got together with her. Give him time to work things out.

 

Maybe he'll realize he's made a mistake after all. Those things you never know, you can't make him change his mind, he has to figure it out on his own.

 

At least you know that you were good to him, and that you made his house a home.

 

See how it all works out, nothing else you can do now.

 

Best of luck.

 

Ariadne

[pricillia]

Polywog,

 

You are doing great... keep it up! You should tell him how you feel, he needs to hear it.

 

I think by the way that you described him he sounds a little insensitive towards you and your feelings.

 

How ever long it takes you to get over him you will be a better person for it, I think that he has some major insecurities that have nothing to do with you.

[Zapbasket]

Hi Polywog,

 

I have been reading the threads but haven't had the wherewithal to post anything...but I had to respond to your post. Please don't beat up on yourself. I know it feels mortifying, but really, there is nothing weak or pathetic about loving someone and having the ability and taking the risk to articulate your feelings.

 

I can really relate to you right now as this weekend was really hard for me. Everyone I know was out of town, and I was home alone, desperately depressed, crying and railing and smoking in some effort to dull the agony. I miss my guy more than ever, and feel so much guilt for my "wrongs" as he pointed them out to me, and still, after over 5 months, feel disbelief that he could just end our 5-year relationship so suddenly after moving across the country to be with me. I, too, feel that awful loss not only of the person I loved most, but also of the psychological comfort of knowing a big piece of adult life was in place (having a life partner), and the comfort of a home with someone. I finally found an apartment in the city, and packing up my things and preparing to move this week is really making me feel the regret acutely: I didn't want to live alone in this city, and knowing that my guy is just a few miles north of me yet is inaccessible to me feels like a tractor trailer grinding back and forth over my bare heart.

 

Anyway, I completely feel you. It's a real bitch, isn't it? But though I can't take this advice for myself, I can tell you what I know deep down: that loving, and having the courage to do something about it, is probably the strongest force in the universe. Very corny, I know, but very true. I really believe that, even as I mope around like a soggy Eeyore.

 

Hugs to you

[polywog]

Hey Greencove, I've been thinking about you! Wondering how you are. You crossed my mind when I posted this thread, actually. Glad to hear and see you. And you know how it is . Let's hope we have happy posts before the year is out..... Hang in there, we will heal together.

[Johnny B]

Poly -

 

I felt it would be appropriate that my 112th post be on your thread

 

Why would you fear any of us beating you up over what you did? No no no... you did what you felt was necessary at the time. You had to get it out of your system and so you did. Whether that made you feel better or worse, your subconcious told you to do it... There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I can tell you first hand that what happend made him justify his decision, but don't cry over spilled milk. As crazy as it sounds, you may have regretted NOT doing that.. so no matter how you cut it, you are probably still second guessing all of your thoughts and decisions right now. STOP IT!

 

ANY actions that you do going forward should be focused on regaining your confidence and self-respect. It is completely HIS loss for letting you go. Whether he realizes that tomorrow or 50 years from now, it will never happen unless you are stronger than right now.

 

How will you do that? Begin the process of your life without him. You know there are posts on here of people coming out from the 'other side' happy that they made it through. Re-read them and notice how they thought they would never be able to do it.

 

Yes, you had a long committment with him... but playing out the past in your mind and pining over what was, does not change the present.

 

I can tell you from my experience... when my ex continuously sent me emails wanting to talk, and phone calls, and texts, etc... I was like wow... THIS is why I'm over it. She doesn't get it. Only when she decided to get stronger and I realized that she had moved on and stopped contacting me did I say, Wow... maybe I lost something here.

 

I'm not telling you this for tips on how to get him back... it's just the reality of human nature. We only want something when it's not there or we cannot have it. More importantly, when you realize that life does exist with out him, you'll be that much stronger for having gone through these trials.

 

Anyway, that's my take. I'm not even sure that helped.. but I tried.

 

Johnny

[polywog]

Hey JB, love that this was your 112th post!

 

Actually, your post was very helpful because you're coming from the other side of it. I haven't been contacting him the way your gf did you, but still, it's pretty obvious to him, I'm sure, that I'm not over him, and that's where your post helped me get perspective.

 

I think that there's been an imbalance for some time. He told me that he wanted to break up with me two years ago. He did try, but I asked him to stay in it and he relented, and things seemed OK for a while. Nevertheless, the imbalance was struck. Me as the one who wanted it to work out, he as the one who wanted out but stuck in there, perhaps out of guilt. This is put too simply, but I believe this was probably a dynamic that started that wore things down.

 

Oh well.

[Ariadne]

Hey polywog,

 

Me as the one who wanted it to work out, he as the one who wanted out but stuck in there, perhaps out of guilt.

 

What was his problem? Or the relationship's problem anyway.

 

Ariadne