Wife is meeting with ex-lover

[green-eyed beauty]

She was asking you for validation. And it doesn't sound like you gave it to her.

This isn't any different in substance than the one where she asks you... "Do these pants make my ass look fat?"

 

Your communications with one another is in rough shape. If I asked my husband the same question... he'd be validatin' like a mad man. Because he loves me enough to tell me I'm "hot"... even on days when I'm absolutely certain I look like a gargoyle.

 

The CORRECT answer to "Am I your trophy wife?" is a resounding... "YES".

I wouldn't want to be called a trophy wife. I do like being told I'm beautiful, though. Trophy wife implies that he only has you to show you off, it's not really love.

[Reckless]

I have considered the possibility that she met Jim just to make her feel hot, and that's a definite possibliity. However I don't think so, but perhaps I'm wrong.

 

You are completely wrong if you think your wife's changed behaviour is a good sign. She met her lover and he made her feel hot, desirable .. he gave her that "buzz" - she came home and used you (I'm sorry but it has to be said) as a human vibrator to finish things off since I don't think they've actually had sex yet.

 

You have been awfully passive over this whole thing and that has and this has facilitated things for her (after all most husbands would have put their foot down if their wives wanted to meet an ex-lover they are still attracted to with whom they has been communicating regularly for FOUR YEARS).

 

...and, degraded the situation "if he really cared he's be mad as hell". I think her respect for you is at rock bottom because of all this and its hard to love a man you don't respect. If you pushed this thing to the line, being totally prepared to face a messy divorce you may salvage the marriage but doing what you've done so far (nothing) will only mean your already sick marriage dies faster.

 

Z

[gullible]

I wouldn't want to be called a trophy wife. I do like being told I'm beautiful, though. Trophy wife implies that he only has you to show you off, it's not really love.

 

I agree. Trophy wife is a negative term to me. That's why I was puzzled, and I'm not sure that the resounding 'yes' was the correct answer. What I probably should have done is try to find out what she meant by that and why.

[amerikajin]

I agree. Trophy wife is a negative term to me. That's why I was puzzled, and I'm not sure that the resounding 'yes' was the correct answer. What I probably should have done is try to find out what she meant by that and why.

 

No, what you should do now is to admit you've got some drama in the making and head that off before it gets too far. I'd probably just cut through the crap and put all the cards on the table. Tell her you know she's been having clandestine meetings with her former lover and that you're not too cool with it - she'll get mad, but tough sh*t. If she gets mad, just tell her you didn't trust her and you were obviously right not to.

 

At the same time, don't box yourself in. Don't get on your high horse. It's going to be intense and explosive initially but give yourselves (both of you) time to kind of cool down a little bit and then start talking about how you can work to get things right again. I think the longer you put this off, the more trouble you're asking for. But make no mistake about it: she's at least toying with the idea of having an affair. Whether she does is up to her, and you.

[Curmudgeon]

...but doing what you've done so far (nothing) will only mean your already sick marriage dies faster.

 

I couldn't agree more. Gullible, as sexist as it may sound, it's time to stand up like a man, beat your chest, drag your knuckles and take charge by making it clear you're not to be discounted, disrespecfted and toyed with. She'll either respect you or leave you but either way you'll come out far ahead of where you are now which is nothing less than weak and pitiful.

[Ladyjane14]

Trophy wife is a negative term to me. That's why I was puzzled, and I'm not sure that the resounding 'yes' was the correct answer. What I probably should have done is try to find out what she meant by that and why.

 

You're right. I didn't clear that up very well, having just looked at it from a vanity and aging perspective.

 

In relationships where a woman feels that her mate only appreciates her for her physical attributes and sexuality... this could be construed as derogatory. If a woman feels like all she is to you is a sex partner or an ornament hanging off your arm, and that she's not appreciated for her intellect and personality, of course.... she's offended.

 

I don't think that's what you have here though. I think you have a woman who's concerned that the 'blush is off the rose'. If she's asking for validation, fishing for compliments.... your best bet is to shower her with them.

 

Aging is harder on some women than others in emotional terms. In today's society where youth is the standard of beauty, you've got to be really secure with 'who you are' on the inside. You've got to be secure that your "beauty" is still with you... where it counts rather than just on the surface.

 

For even the least vain of us... the mirror can challenge our previous self-image. You've got to really appreciate who you are on the inside, because when you're uncertain as to what your REAL value is as a human being... aging becomes even more difficult to process. Next thing you know... you've got "Middle-Aged Girls Gone Wild".

 

On another point though... I disagree that showing her surgeon's handiwork would be indicative of sexual interest in other people. I've seen more that one woman, who after breast augmentation, showed them to EVERYONE.

 

When breasts are viewed clinically as with augmentation, reduction, or even nursing, there can be a SERIOUS decrease in the level of modesty for a good long while.

[Djaba]

I'm afraid I'm going to have to add my voice to the chorus of those telling you to get out and not pay for anything else. The turnaround strikes me as quite possibly motivated by guilt rather than a change of heart, and even if it's the latter, the threats over the divorce say that she doesn't actually give a **** about you except as a resource, and you strike me as deserving a lot better than that. But the comments about being gullible would end it for me immediately, no questions asked, no passing go. I see no way to put a positive spin on that. Ouch.

[crazy_grl]

I have considered the possibility that she met Jim just to make her feel hot, and that's a definite possibliity. However I don't think so, but perhaps I'm wrong.

 

I guess I didn't explain exactly right. While it's possible that she's just meeting him to make herself feel hot, I was suggesting the reverse. She met him because she has feelings for him, and the result of the meeting was that she either got turned on or needed reinforcement that she's hot. Because she wasn't ready to cheat, she came to you for sex.

 

Yes, I have considered counseling, and I think that's the route I'm going to take. I've been seriously considering it all week and I think you just gave me the small shove that helped me finalize my decision.

 

That's a good choice. Better to do it as soon as possible. As of now it doesn't sound like they've gotten physical. Maybe through counseling, you can work things out before that happens. You might consider some IC too, because it seems like you're pretty passive about this. If you agree you are, then the counselor can help you be more assertive.

 

On another point though... I disagree that showing her surgeon's handiwork would be indicative of sexual interest in other people. I've seen more that one woman, who after breast augmentation, showed them to EVERYONE.

 

You could be right that she was trying to turn him down... just very ineffectively (you don't curb a guy's interest by promising to let him see your t*ts). But if the woman is afraid of starting a sexual relationship by just having lunch with the guy, what would she expect from showing him her breasts?

[GreenEyedLady]

But if the woman is afraid of starting a sexual relationship by just having lunch with the guy, what would she expect from showing him her breasts?

 

My guess is that she feels badly about her body now but wouldn't mind him seeing it post-op...It's different when someone other than your spouse sees your body...all those insecurities REALLY pop-up...

 

Sorry to sound so negative Gullible, but I don't think this is a very good sign at all...and as others have said, you need to deal with this rather aggressively if you want to stay married and not walked on...by that I mean dealing with it head on and not head in the sand...

[gullible]

Sorry to sound so negative Gullible, but I don't think this is a very good sign at all...and as others have said, you need to deal with this rather aggressively if you want to stay married and not walked on...by that I mean dealing with it head on and not head in the sand...

 

I realize that I have my head in the sand. It just seems easier to leave it there than to try to deal with the problem. I often wish that I had never read the initial emails. All I want is to be happy. If I didn't know anything was happening I would probably be happy. I know someone is going to point out the fact that she might leave me, and if I didn't know any of this then I would be "Devastated" instead of "Gullible". However, that'll probably never happen and if I didn't know I'd probably just go through life thinking that things were great.

 

Also, my wife would point out that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage, so I can probably never be happy. The possibility that she is right is probably one of the big things that is keeping me in this marriage.

[Curmudgeon]

Also, my wife would point out that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage, so I can probably never be happy. The possibility that she is right is probably one of the big things that is keeping me in this marriage.

 

...and your wife is leading you around by the nose. This is NOT your lot in life unless you WANT it to be.

 

I was in a bad marriage for 25 years and wasn't happy. Like your wife's doing to you, the ex got me convinced that I deserved and could attain nothing better.

 

She was wrong. I'm in a very loving, supportive, fun, sensual, spiritual and satisfying marriage right now and have been for going on 11 years.

 

You need to stop your pissing and moaning, find a pair and stand up for yourself and what you deserve in life.

 

As Richard Bach wrote in his book, Illusions. "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours!"

[Darth Vader]

I realize that I have my head in the sand. It just seems easier to leave it there than to try to deal with the problem. I often wish that I had never read the initial emails. All I want is to be happy. If I didn't know anything was happening I would probably be happy. I know someone is going to point out the fact that she might leave me, and if I didn't know any of this then I would be "Devastated" instead of "Gullible". However, that'll probably never happen and if I didn't know I'd probably just go through life thinking that things were great.

 

Also, my wife would point out that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage, so I can probably never be happy. The possibility that she is right is probably one of the big things that is keeping me in this marriage.

 

 

There's no point to listen to anything your wife says right now, she IS cheating on you. All cheaters are liers anyway, so you can't take anything she says at face value. You could even say whatever she tells you about the marriage has no value at all, besides that, who is she to determine if you are happy or not? Have you gotten a keylogger yet? Are you doing anything for yourself to move on? Are you gonna take any action, or are you gonna roll over and pittle on yourself while your wife rides another man, and possibly gets pregnant by OM and you may have to pay for their child? Or she could pass an STD to you, and give you AIDS! This problem isn't going away! It's getting worse! NOW DO SOMETHING!

[20nasus]

I am in an almost identical situation as your wife. Trust me, they are going to have sex. Don't be an idiot; if you want to keep her get between her and this guy any way you have to.

[whichwayisup]

20nasus, why not pretend the original poster of this thread IS your husband. After reading his thread, doesn't it make you stop in your tracks, make you THINK of what pain you'll be inflicting on your husband if you pursue your PAST flame? This is why the past is best left in the past...

[gullible]

I am in an almost identical situation as your wife. Trust me, they are going to have sex. Don't be an idiot; if you want to keep her get between her and this guy any way you have to.

 

#1. Am I wrong, or is whether they have sex less important than having an emotional involvement. Or maybe it's part of the difference between men and women. Women don't usually have sex without emotional involvement, men quite often do.

 

#2. Say I do get between her and this guy and they supposedly sever the relationship. What have I accomplished? If she's in love with him and she stays with me that's three people that are unhappy. (I'm including myself, because I will never know if the relationship has really been severed).

[gullible]

Probably the main reason that I'm hesitant to file for divorce is my prior experience. I was in what I considered a bad marriage for 27 years. Three years into the marriage I made the decision that if things hadn't changed when the kids were out of school, I was filing for divorce. They didn't change.

 

When my daughter graduated from high school I spent about 6 months deciding if I wanted to go ahead with it, and finally made the decison. and filed for divorce. My wife was devastated, talked me into going to counseling, begged me not to move out of the house and cried and pleaded with me every night to "Please don't leave me. You promised in front of God to stay with me till death, and you always keep all your promises." Over and over. She pointed out that it was harder for women to find another man at that age than it was for men, and that she would alone for the rest of her life.

 

Finally on the last day of our counseling I caved in and decided to stay with her. A few years later she developed breast cancer, and died from it four years later. She blamed me for her cancer and said it was caused by stress. I checked and stress is one of the causes of cancer.

 

She only told me twice that she thought I was the cause of her cancer. Then she got wise. Probably 500 times she said "I'm sorry that I kept you from getting a divorce. I know God is punishing me for it and that's why I got cancer." That's almost worse than telling me I'm the cause.

 

I'm not sure I could go through it again. If my wife wants a divorce, I'm all for it. However, I don't want to ruin her life. If she wants a life with Jim, that's great for everybody. If she doesn't, I need to find a way to get over the way I feel, because I can't live for the rest of my life feeling this way.

[Darth Vader]

God didn't punish your former wife by giving her cancer! Stop taking the blame for your form wife's cancer! What was it that caused you to consider that your former marriage was bad? I don't think that you could ruin your current wife's life anymore than she is already doing herself!

[whichwayisup]

People don't give people cancer, stress or not. That was SO wrong of her to blame you, and I really hope you don't carry that with you on a daily basis. That was just plain CRUEL of her to blame the cancer on you!

 

As for your wife now, if you love her, FIGHT FOR HER. Install a keylogger on her computer, monitor her emails, cellphone...Don't just hand her over like a prize to Jim! If you love her and want the marriage, FIGHT FOR IT!

 

What have I accomplished? If she's in love with him and she stays with me that's three people that are unhappy. (I'm including myself, because I will never know if the relationship has really been severed).

 

Your wife is just so caught up in the fog of the affair, she doesn't know if she loves Jim or not. Crushes and lust CAN mimick the feelings of love, so in all reality, when she 'wakes up' from her brain spasm, who knows what she'll feel then.

[FireandIce]

Alright, she is probably having an affair BUT she could just be feeling good about herself for once in a very long time. You said she lost 85 pounds. How long was she heavy? You also said that you hadn't had sex in months before that time she came back from her meeting. Was that your doing or hers?

 

Speaking from experience, losing a large amount of weight changes a person. You go from thinking your nasty to all of a sudden getting attention from all sorts of places. I recently lost 40 pounds (still have 20 or so to go) and it feels great. I once again have my confidence back and perhaps that's what she's going through as well. Personally I wouldn't be doing what she's doing though (the emails and whatever with Jim) but maybe he was giving her the attention that you weren't. You've already said that you wouldn't be hurt if she divorced you, that you actually hope she does so maybe she's sensing that. Do you want to be married to her anymore? If not then end it. The whole not wanting to destroy her like you think you did to your ex isn't an excuse. Staying in a marriage that you aren't happy in isn't good for you or her. You need to sit down and figure out exactly what you want. Life is too short to live it for someone else.

[Reckless]

I'm not sure I could go through it again. If my wife wants a divorce, I'm all for it. However, I don't want to ruin her life. If she wants a life with Jim, that's great for everybody. If she doesn't, I need to find a way to get over the way I feel, because I can't live for the rest of my life feeling this way.

 

 

Okay you need some serious councelling; really what would it hurt if you found a good councellor and started sessions once, maybe twice a week?

 

I say this because your past and present experiences have shaped (read: distorted) your life view. This distorted life view came with you into your present marriage and colours everything you do (or in this case don't do), it sets the level of your self esteem and determines what you expect in life. What you expect in life is usually what you get.

 

You have no confidence in yourself and more importantly in life. You have lived with 'okay' and so intolerable doesn't look so bad to you. Unhappiness is your own personal little cloud and it will (unless you decide otherwise) follow you whereever you go.

 

If you don't want to start to change through councelling what about self education? Why not start reading books on self fulfillment (I'm sure some shackers could recomend some for you or just do a websearch..) that wouldn't mean "doing" anything.

 

The bottom line is, as you are now, even if you left your 'cloud' would go with you, you'd expect life to be at best mediocre at worst tragic and you would attract users and abusers as a result.

 

You probably could 'fix' your marriage, your wife might even learn to respect you if you had the strength to fight for her and the state of your marriage but you just don't have the mental or emotional stamina to do that right now... put taking action with her (and the situation) on the back burner and get the help you need to become a whole guilt-free funcioning human being.

 

The greatest tragedy in your story is a life lived staring at the ground when there are stars to be seen...

[gullible]

I want to thank everyone for the help that you have given me. I have read some of the other threads in this forum ajnd mine looks minor compared to them.

 

I have decided to go for counseling, and called to make an appointment Friday. I'm not going to make any other decisions until I have had a few counseling sessions.

[Curmudgeon]

I have decided to go for counseling, and called to make an appointment Friday. I'm not going to make any other decisions until I have had a few counseling sessions.

 

I think you've made a wise decision and I hope things turn out in whatever way is best for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to thank everyone for the help that you have given me. I have read some of the other threads in this forum ajnd mine looks minor compared to them.

 

I have decided to go for counseling, and called to make an appointment Friday. I'm not going to make any other decisions until I have had a few counseling sessions.

Best wishes. Keep us posted as to your progress...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gullible]

I've been to two counseling sessions and I'm more confused than ever about what I want to do. I'm not sure if I made a bad choice of a counselor, or if that's just what counseling is like.

 

The first session was mainly information gathering. The counselor said that it appeared that my W liked to live in a fantasy world, and that if she hadn't had an affair in 4 years she probably wouldn't.

 

The counselor asked me about the advantages and disadvantages of being married to W. The biggest advantage is that we don't hardly ever fight and W doesn't ever yell at me. I guess that's a big one to me.

 

The second session was puzzling. During the first session I expressed the fact that my W said that my depression was due to other things in my life. I expected the counselor to follow up on those, but she didn't. She asked me what I had done the prior week, what I did for exercise, etc.

 

I think it was a complete waste of time, however I did schedule another session. Am I supposed to take the lead in the counseling sessions, or is that up to the counselor?

 

My W is meeting OM again next Thursday for drinks. According to OM it'll be like the first part of celebrating New Year's eve. This will be the 'out with the old' (my W's small boobs), and then they'll get together later to celebrate 'in with the new' (breast implants).

 

I see no advantage to me in confronting W at this time. If she knew that I was spying on her she would just be more careful, and I would never know what's going on. So my plans are to wait for the 'in with the new' celebration, see what happens and go from there.

 

I've been patient for 4 years, another few weeks probably won't hurt me.

 

Should I change counselors, or is what I described normal?

[LakesideDream]

Yes, change counselors... or actually what does it matter really? You obviously are having some need met by all this negetive drama. What your wife is doing/has done is unexceptable in general, abysmal in particular.

 

Your "baggage" from your previous marriage has turned off the "judgement" portion of your brain. You refuse to "judge" the behavior of your wife.

 

It's time to man up and walk away from your wife, her new boobs, he "old" relationship and all the pain that she's causing. Or.... Do what your doing. Wallow in pain and self pity and continue punishing yourself for perceived past wrongs. Choice is yours to make. It sure wouldn't be a difficult decision for me!