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done it right, seen little improvement


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Posted

I have tried so hard to do everything right yet six months later I still have this hole in my chest. I started reading this forum a few months ago, when I was looking for ways to re-unite with my ex (something I no longer aim for). We were together for five years. We owned a home and were planning on marriage. After becoming distant, she dumped me and left us no opportunity to work on things.

 

We were both flawed but had always had a very kind, earnest and loving relationship. I’ll spare you the details of the relationship and breakup since they are ultimately irrelevant. Suffice to say I was devastated. No sleep, poor eating, classic full-on depression.

 

But, as my counselor said, “Fake it till you make it.” So I have. I initiated no contact after a few tortuous months. It has been that way for some time. I have avoided her and her friends, never once pumping anyone for information. I have sold our house, moved into my own apartment, made new friends, reconnected with old friends, planned big trips and taken vacations. I have returned to school, and earned my paramedic license and a promotion. I have started dating again. I have read books on mending a broken heart and followed through on their programs.

 

I have done the “fake it”, the problem is that I don’t seem to be making it. I’m going through the motions. I doing well at work. I am doing better taking care of myself. To outward appearances, I am no longer the wreck I once was. But I still feel hollow. I still spend my day having conversations in my head with my ex. In my head I still alternately plead with, negotiate with and curse my ex.

 

I have done everything I’m supposed to and yet I am still hurting inside. Daily my wounds are re-opened by the claws of regret, pain, wistfulness ect…

 

I had felt that I was doing better. Not cured, but better. Then today, without my prompting, a friend told me that her workplace was having a “going away” potluck as she is moving out of state. My heart twisted and sank. I almost began crying on the spot.

 

It’s stupid to let anyone make me feel this way, I know. I’m embarrassed even reading what I just wrote. Is it still supposed to feel like this? When do I reap the benefits of all this work?

 

Also, some time ago I had purchased gifts for her nieces and nephews, to whom I was a beloved uncle. It’s silly to let grown-up’s nonsense affect the children, so I’m thinking of having a friend drop the gifts off at my ex’s workplace with a simple note reading, “No response needed. Best of luck.” What do you think?

 

Oh, and thanks for all the help over the last months.

Posted

Ending a serious 5 year relationship is going to take lots of time to heal. It sounds like you are on your way - you just need some more time.

 

One thing that is very important to the healing process is acceptance that it is over, that you weren't right for each other for whatever reason, and that there is no chance of getting back together. Otherwise, there will be a part of you that will cling to some small hope that will make it harder to fully let go. That kind of acceptance makes you realize that you don't need to hurt anymore: you weren't right for each other. Period.

 

It's like the presents for the kids...you may think that's not a sign of you clinging, just a little, but it is. You are not in her life anymore, and you may have good intentions, but it's not your place anymore. Donate the gifts to a charity instead, like Toys for Tots - there are a lot of kids who never get gifts and would welcome them.

 

When I ended a 6 year relationship, it took me at least a year to be back to my normal self, and that was a relationship that had been dying/dead for while before I chose to end it. Be patient with yourself. You'll get there.

Posted

Sometime ago I was infected with a girl to the extent that you are.. I tried everything to move on.. or even forced moving on..

In the end the thing that helped me the most was my realization that it was her loss.. truly..

I'm a great guy with his head screwed on straight and a catch by most standards and I didn't really believe that after the breakup.. I now do..

 

Then I started going out on serious dates ( I had never stopped dating but wasn't dating anyone serious in case she wanted me back :laugh:).

 

I then found someone I connected with that treats me with love and respect and wants to be around me.. ( she also laughs at all my jokes...)

 

I finally moved on and I have been very happy ever since..

 

I think you need to get involved in a relationship.. even if it isn't " the one "..

sometimes a good distraction is what is needed..

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Posted

I really appreciate your time. You're both right. NJ, I can find something else to do with the gifts. In some way the gifts would just be a way to have some contact, however convoluted. Just hearing the time it took you to recover was an incredible relief.

 

AC, I am worthy of better treatment. I am a kind person, I have an incredibly fulfilling job (firefighter), I am fit and decent looking, I am supportive and I am adventurous. I shouldn't be so hung up on someone who decided I was disposable. I know those things on an intellectual level but it's a lot harder to convince the heart.

 

As far as getting into another relationship, I'm mixed on that suggestion. I have been dating someone else recently. She's absolutely wonderful but for reasons of circumstance it's not going to go anywhere. I feel as though I should break it off and that is an added stress. I think I may need to be alone for some time.

 

Thanks again for the replies. I'm glad I'm finally purging some of my thoughts onto these pages after months of lurking. Please keep the replies coming. I'm taking them to heart.

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Posted

Well, last night I took care of the toy issue. A new girl I have been dating is about to begin volunteering at a childrens charity. I took the toys over to her house and asked her to give them to the charity.

 

It was smart as it was making a gift to my future (this or some other wonderful girl) and not my past.

 

I will admit. I am still struggling against the idea of dropping off a one-line good luck card to my ex (not in person). I know it's foolish, but it's likely to be the last contact we'll ever have and I'd like to have her last memory of me be positive.

 

I know I probably shouldn't care what her thoughts of memories of me are. Maybe more importantly, she has already let me know what her thoughts of me are: I'm not worth being with.

Posted

You did great with the children's gifts. Don't spoil your progress by sending her a card now! Even if you expect no response, you still set yourself back by contacting her with good wishes. She's not in your life anymore - accept it and let it go. She's getting on with her life and isn't thinking about you, nor does she need your good wishes.

Posted

Aw, triplem, I feel for you, and maybe we are on the same wavelength. I just started a somewhat similar thread. I just think it takes a while and we have setbacks. Especially as you had such huge plans and dreams with your ex., a house, marriage plans, etc.... that's Huge. Anyhow, I admire how you handled the toys. That took guts. Hang in there.

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Posted

I have to tell you that your early posts were some of the first I read and they really struck a chord with me. They described exactly how I felt at many times. It's nice to get a reply from someone who was a role model of sorts for me.

 

I've definitely noticed that major time milestones bring a little wistfulness (with the 5-6 month one being pretty big) Don't beat up on yourself too bad, and I promise I'll try the same. I also have to say, you've had a ****load of days where you did everything right, so don't dismiss or discredit those for the mere presence of an occassional weak day.

 

Today is the "going away" potluck for my ex. It' s really tough. She moved out here to be with me so seeing her move back home really puts a point on the fact that our relationship is truley dead. It's really gut wrenching to think that someone to whom I gave five years of my life will be there celebrating without any thoughts of me. I just keep imagining her there smiling her crooked smile and it sinks my heart.

 

The irrational side of me wants to talk to her. I want to say the magic words that will make her realize that she's making the biggest mistake of both of our lives. But of course that can't work. Namely, because if she was able to leave me, then it wasn't a mistake for her. For better or for worse, she looked at me and everything I had to offer and decided that she'd take a pass and look for something better. Her loss.

 

I scheduled myself for a 24 hour shift today in order to avoid any temptation to drop by the potluck or even give her a card. I'll be at the fire department all day.

Posted

Some lives, some personalities are just not set up to deal with loss efficiently in the short run. I am very much like this and find myself hopelessly 'stuck' months and months later. I've done everything 'right' as well, and still have cried a little or a lot every day since sometime in January. Every day. It's as much about a deep sense of betrayal now as it is about missing him. But I digress.

 

Hurt that lingers like this is complex, and some of it likely springs from ancient things that have nothing to do with her. This is an opportunity to seeks those things out and make sure they never get a stranglehold on your happiness again. Healing that is slow is also deep- remember that. You *will* be stronger and better man in the future because of this.

 

Some of the depth of your hurt is also a reflection of your loyalty and your willingness and ability to truly invest in and commit to another human being. These are good things that come from a place of strength and courage, because each time we fall lin love we agree to become vulnerable. You did that, and it was a brave thing to do, as it always is.

 

A book I'm reading now puts it this way: "you risked your safety for joy". You risk your safety every day when you show up for your job as a firefighter, and just like when you show up for love, you risk it for uncertain rewards and uncertain results. That's just life. Happily, we can't really keep joy out of our lives forever any more than we can keep pain out forever.

 

I'm not sure what books you've read, but I can highly reccommend "How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days" co-written by Howard Bronson. It's really helped me rein in the worst of the cognitive and emotional floundering and I'm feeling much more positive about the future than I was when I started it about 3 weeks ago. You can check out the reviews on Amazon.

Posted

Hi triplem, I pretty much just posted the EXACT same question as you (before I read yours.) So I have no advice but I read the replies to this, darn I should have read this before posting mine but oh well.

Posted

Hi triplem,

Thanks for the compliment. I'm moved that my early threads helped you feel less alone in all this stuff. I was greatly helped by other's threads, and yours, too...I so relate! I think we share such similar reactions to the big loss of our dreams.

 

Anyhow, how did yesterday go? Are you OK? I'm thinking about you.

Posted

And one more thing.... I started seeing a very good therapist after the break up. She told me that it would probably take about a year for me to heal. A story:

 

A co-worker and friend revealed to me that he went through the same thing after the end of a very similar relationship; they are a same-sex couple, but had been together for many years (over a decade, I think) and bought a beautiful home together; my friend created a beautiful garden, as I did, and then it ended abrubtly. He had to move out of his beloved dream home and away from the love of his life. He was devasted. He held onto hope that they would reconcile, even after his ex got involved with someone else, for over 9 months, and even though he knew in his head that it was unrealistic.

 

He and his ex would stay in a vacation cottage every year in August, and my friend, despite the fact that the break-up was many months old, and his ex had a new partner, thought that they would stay in the cottage together. He dreamed of a reconciliation, despite all clues that it wasn't possible. When their vacation time came up, the ex politely told him that he did not want to stay in the cottage with him, and suggested that they split the two weeks. My friend knew that his hopes were unrealistic, but his heart still held on to that hope and he was devastated all over again. But it began to sink into his heart that it really was over.

 

He told me that he woke up one day, after almost a year, and realized that he was healed. And he also realized that he had to go through the tunnel of pain and loss to reach that point. Talking to him and hearing his story have been a huge help to me. And he is a strong, happy, better person for it, and has a great solid loving relationship now with a wonderful partner.

 

Like you, I'm still in the pain part of all this. I hate it, and wish it was over, and feel scared of how crippled I feel by it sometimes. But I know it will pass and we'll be healed. And we have as all this the proof of our measure to love someone deeply; we risked it and it fdidn't pan out this time, but what catches we are for the worthy object of our affections that will reap the benefits someday!

 

Yadda yadda, I'm going on and on, sorry!

Posted

There is no date, time, hour, month or second when one "should" be over and healed from a relationship.

 

You are headed in the right direction though - one day at a time.

 

Best wishes.

  • Author
Posted

Well, you asked how Saturday went... All I can say is that I have an incredible job. My job, and the crew of guys I work with, made the day better than I could imagine.

 

I was busy, running calls on one of our ambulances all day. Every once in a while I get to see myself through the eyes of my patients. Yesterday it was the mother who had just watched her 2-year-old son suffer a seizure and turn blue. The look of gratitude she gave me reminded me that I am a good person.

 

I didn't get her a card. I didn't send her an email. I certainly didn't stop by the potluck (how horrible would that have been for both she and I?!).

 

Even better, I spent Sunday with the girl I have been seeing (and her two kids). I'm not sure what will come of the relationship but the fact that such a beautiful person thinks so highly of me reminds me that I am being just a little self-indulgent with this grief.

 

Poly, it's funny. I, too, had a garden. It's only now as the spring really rolls in that I am becoming a little wistful about it. But, the long days of orange-tinged sunlight are lifting my spirit at the same time.

Posted

Sounds like you are doing so well! Love your story about your day and how filled with affirmations it was :).

 

We'll have new gardens some day.....

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