Guys who stop calling then suddenly call

[fray718]

In light of the incident of what happened to SG and also myself (I initiated exclusivity last saturday and the guy agreed and seemed genuinely happy about it and told me he will see me again soon, but has not called since that saturday), how common is it and what do you all think of the concept of guys when they stop calling for a long time but then maybe call back say a week later. It's funny how it seems to happen after some sort of intimicacy (physical intimiacy or emotional intimicay - in my case being exclusive).

 

And most importantly, how can this be prevented and once it happens how should we girls go about it to possibly keep the guy interested?

 

The book "venus and mars on a date'" has a very interesting theory on this saying that guys feel uncertain after intimicy but call back if/once they get over that fear.

[dazz187s]

Well, as a male, i'll have to say that after a great night out or sex, me, i do start to freak out. In my case, ive been hurt in the past by the same girl twice(my mistake to take her back) and it has been hard to find someone to trust and have fun with. Once i start to enjoy someone being there or the great 4 hour talks(trust me, i enjoy them) i start to freak out.

It has a lot to do with their past(like in my case) but i have meet guys who like to have one of those one night stands and call when they need another or just bored on a Friday night. Again, i can be very wrong, some guys work hard and don't have time, or some are just stressed and rather not take it on you so they avoid the call till the weekend and enjoy their time by going out and enjoying someones company.

[str_Ay]

it varies on every single guy. personal experience: i'll use three examples; guy 1, 2, and 3

 

guy 1: gentleman in the beginning, went to a movie, cuddled, things happened. didnt hear from him for 2 weeks. thought he was interested. nope. and didnt learn my lesson till bout the 5th time round and then it hit me: BOOTY CALL BOOTY CALL BOOTY CALL

 

guy 2: same thing without the booty call. his fear: rejection. he liked me so much that he was scared that he would scare me away. i ended that cus i was lookin for intamacy and a trustin partner. not a scared cat.

 

guy 3: (my current wonderful boyfriend) was a lil nervous to commit, but took a deep breath, stepped forward, and the rest is history.

 

so like i said. men vary on personal levels. mainly on what and how theyve experience some things. sometimes it does feel like finding a piece of hay in a needle stack. gotta be careful, but no matter what, u'r always gonna feel an uncomftorable pinch or two along the way. hope that helps ^_^

[fray718]

Wow very interesting...it seems like my guy (assuming he DOES eventually call me back) may be guy #2 or #3 or perhaps an other -- we never even got past first base and we've dated 5 weeks now.

 

For him, I knew from the beginning he just got out of a ltr 6 months ago but it was one he said he knew for a long time will not work out and he was the one who sorta ended it it seemed. I took a risk and jumped in and we had 3 great dates. Date 4 we made out and I was indeed quite nervous the whole time.....he didnt call me for days and I called him and he seemed cold so I asked him what happened and he got defensive and said he never said he wasnt interested. He said I did seem uncomfortable that night, but that had nothing to do with anything. He said stuff about me being insecure and I said no he's insecure and we argued badly. A week later we surprisingly made up and started dating again.

 

Date 5 was great. I noticed he didnt even attempt to use his tongue to kiss me anymore (prob cuz of the scare we had after we made out haha). On date 6 I asked him bout exclusivity and he said he never dates more than one girl at a time and he agreed with me that he also sees us heading towards a relationship. The date ended positivley and he said 'see you soon' and he seemed happy/nice. Well I haven't heard back from him since date 6 last saturday (4 days ago). I IMed him last night just with quick 'huge headache ' cuz he knows i work long hours and he just replied with a 'poo' and that was it. I did not IM him anymore after that. It seems like he pulls the non-calling thing on me after we first got physically intimate (after we made out) and now after we got emotionally bonded (the relationship talk). I dunno what I should do from now on and how long I should wait before I call it quits for good. Any advice?

 

Just as a note he never talked bout his ex (besides, they were on and off and he dated others a long the way, but they are done for good cuz she's like 5 states away now). He never showed any signs of rebounding, though this non-calling may be partly due to him being scared of a relationship it seems. Any thoughts str Ay?

 

Care to provide more details on your guy 2 and 3? How long would they go without calling? And did you call them when they did not call you? What should I do? Wait it out or call?

[SouthernT]

In light of the incident of what happened to SG and also myself (I initiated exclusivity last saturday and the guy agreed and seemed genuinely happy about it and told me he will see me again soon, but has not called since that saturday), how common is it and what do you all think of the concept of guys when they stop calling for a long time but then maybe call back say a week later. It's funny how it seems to happen after some sort of intimicacy (physical intimiacy or emotional intimicay - in my case being exclusive).And most importantly, how can this be prevented and once it happens how should we girls go about it to possibly keep the guy interested? The book "venus and mars on a date'" has a very interesting theory on this saying that guys feel uncertain after intimicy but call back if/once they get over that fear.

 

Call me old-fashioned but I think the only way to avoid this is to either 1) wait MUCH longer than a month or two before being intimate with a guy. I think it takes a guy longer than 1 month to determine if he has genuine feelings for a girl or it he is just feeling lust. OR 2) make sure that you know how he feels about you BEFORE you are intimate. The reason that I say this is because if you are not at a point with a guy to where you can openly question him about his intentions and long term goals as far as a relationship....then, as a woman, maybe you should say to yourself "ok, it's not time for us to do this yet." I just dont feel that its a good idea to be intimate with a guy and then HOPE afterwards that he wants something more. So my point is, wait longer to determine whether or not the two of you are on the same page. Because often times, the guys is not on the same page. (but at the same time, I'm still trying to figure out men too.) My heart goes out to you and SG.

[str_Ay]

ive dealt with so many diff types in such a short period i could write a book for u lol

it sounds like he really wants a trustin relationship but is scared he'll be disappointed. he wants spark, fireworks, flare, etc...

its all about security

he probably just wants the best (he expects flaws no doubt) but sounds like he wants a lot of acceptance and if abandonment even tries to shy in that's when it sounds like he shys away.

also is sounds like he wants u to be a lil more aggressive. he may not be the type to wanna take charge. no like u bein his suga mama or anything. he jus probably wants to kno that when in weak moments u can also be the strong person.

dont hold back ur feelings

be upfront

dont put in so much emotion that it'll overwhelm him

but

guys always are wonderin wth us women are thinking

dont give into details

just give him more ideas than guessing games

 

as far as guy 2: he called but would end things quick. i would sit there and be like ok, that was a joke. and when i would call him he would seem busy, but then call back what felt like 2 seconds later sayin sorry he was nervous. guy 3 (bf) can go a cpl days without calling, which is fine. we're both currently in diff states and our workin hrs r opposite. but we never miss a day of leavin a cute message to each other im myspace

[fray718]

Call me old-fashioned but I think the only way to avoid this is to either 1) wait MUCH longer than a month or two before being intimate with a guy. I think it takes a guy longer than 1 month to determine if he has genuine feelings for a girl or it he is just feeling lust. OR 2) make sure that you know how he feels about you BEFORE you are intimate. The reason that I say this is because if you are not at a point with a guy to where you can openly question him about his intentions and long term goals as far as a relationship....then, as a woman, maybe you should say to yourself "ok, it's not time for us to do this yet." I just dont feel that its a good idea to be intimate with a guy and then HOPE afterwards that he wants something more. So my point is, wait longer to determine whether or not the two of you are on the same page. Because often times, the guys is not on the same page. (but at the same time, I'm still trying to figure out men too.) My heart goes out to you and SG.

Yea i hear ya cuz I believe in waiting until we are officially bf/gf first. I havent slept with him yet, I didnt even let him go to second base hehe. We made out after 2 weeks and that was prob a bit fast and one thing I liked about him is that he seemed to sense it and he never even tried kissing me with his tongue anymore after that. But perhaps he has some commitment issues? I'm just clueless as to how to deal with...be patient and give him space or talk to him bout it (i think he gets annoyed talking though).

[fray718]

ive dealt with so many diff types in such a short period i could write a book for u lol

it sounds like he really wants a trustin relationship but is scared he'll be disappointed. he wants spark, fireworks, flare, etc...

its all about security

he probably just wants the best (he expects flaws no doubt) but sounds like he wants a lot of acceptance and if abandonment even tries to shy in that's when it sounds like he shys away.

also is sounds like he wants u to be a lil more aggressive. he may not be the type to wanna take charge. no like u bein his suga mama or anything. he jus probably wants to kno that when in weak moments u can also be the strong person.

dont hold back ur feelings

be upfront

dont put in so much emotion that it'll overwhelm him

but

guys always are wonderin wth us women are thinking

dont give into details

just give him more ideas than guessing games

 

as far as guy 2: he called but would end things quick. i would sit there and be like ok, that was a joke. and when i would call him he would seem busy, but then call back what felt like 2 seconds later sayin sorry he was nervous. guy 3 (bf) can go a cpl days without calling, which is fine. we're both currently in diff states and our workin hrs r opposite. but we never miss a day of leavin a cute message to each other im myspace

oh wow u seem to be nailing everything to the point!

 

I feel that he wants sparks too (he said he loves spontaneous girls) and sometimes i feel that he sorta waits for me to initiate things too (but im old-fasioned and sorta reluctant to at times).

 

Can you explain by what you mean 'if abandoment even tries to shy?"...do u mean he's afraid of being abandoned? He said he does not like clingy girls and he thought i displayed clingy behavior when i asked him 'what happened'....how do i show him i wont abandon him without seeming clingy? I'm torn haha.

 

And what ya mean by 'weak moments'? You mean during my weak moments caused by him not calling? How do I show him I'm strong during these times? By not calling him? Should I have NOT IMed him that 'huge headache' message?

 

What ya mean to say i shouldnt hold back my feelings? I already told him bout how i enjoy spending time with him and think we can possibly develop this into a relatiionship. What more can I do? I feel like I'm doing quite alot already and initiating alot.

[SouthernT]

Yea i hear ya cuz I believe in waiting until we are officially bf/gf first. I havent slept with him yet, I didnt even let him go to second base hehe. We made out after 2 weeks and that was prob a bit fast and one thing I liked about him is that he seemed to sense it and he never even tried kissing me with his tongue anymore after that. But perhaps he has some commitment issues? I'm just clueless as to how to deal with...be patient and give him space or talk to him bout it (i think he gets annoyed talking though).

 

I think the best thing to do is to turn the tables. Dont contact him until he intiates contact himself. And then after he does this, YOU determine what will happen from that EXACT moment. Women don't realize how much power we hold. I've been told several times in my life that a man will only treat you the way YOU allow him to treat you. So if he shows up again, then YOU determine where YOU want things to go from that point. Its in your hands, not his. If his behavior is acceptable to you then you respond in a positive manner and encourage him. If his behavior is NOT acceptable to you, then dont necassarily "call him out" on it(not in the early stage of dating), just distance yourself and let him figure it out. Believe me...he will figure it. And if its something he really wants, then he will change his actions to get the outcome that he wants. If he doesnt.....then there's your answer.

[fray718]

I think the best thing to do is to turn the tables. Dont contact him until he intiates contact himself. And then after he does this, YOU determine what will happen from that EXACT moment. Women don't realize how much power we hold. I've been told several times in my life that a man will only treat you the way YOU allow him to treat you. So if he shows up again, then YOU determine where YOU want things to go from that point. Its in your hands, not his. If his behavior is acceptable to you then you respond in a positive manner and encourage him. If his behavior is NOT acceptable to you, then dont necassarily "call him out" on it(not in the early stage of dating), just distance yourself and let him figure it out. Believe me...he will figure it. And if its something he really wants, then he will change his actions to get the outcome that he wants. If he doesnt.....then there's your answer.

oh did I screw up when i IMed him with 'huge headache' and then not IM him anymore after he said 'poo'?? I dont think it came off as that rude of me but is it over cuz I initiated it? Or maybe i will be fine as long as i stop initiating contact from now on....and how long should I wait? until next week?

[str_Ay]

I have to agree with this one too

The main factors are

if he's interested enough

he'll stay in the picture

but also

if u stay quiet too long

he's gonna think u lost interest

not EVERY guy in an aggressive approacher

i would love to be old fashioned

but in this day of age

sometimes the girl really does need to take charge

 

so when i say "abandoment"

just let him kno u'r still there

a simple "how r u" can relax a guy

(so my bf told me lol)

cus then u'r not clingy but u still notice him

 

iming is not big

some ppl dont respond to that at all cus theyre not by their comp

but yea

i mean

its hard when those first few days go by

but

since ur curiosity got the best of u

how will u know when he cracks?

if u always do it before him?

dont always chase

let him play at some strings too

[SouthernT]

oh did I screw up when i IMed him with 'huge headache' and then not IM him anymore after he said 'poo'?? I dont think it came off as that rude of me but is it over cuz I initiated it? Or maybe i will be fine as long as i stop initiating contact from now on....and how long should I wait? until next week?

 

Again,Dont contact him at all until he contacts you. If that takes a month, then so be it. However long it takes him to contact you, YOU are the one to decide when he's lost his chance with you. In other words, if you want him to call you withing the next week, then tell yourself that. And if he doesnt, then you decide that he's lost his chance with you and YOU cut HIM off. If he does call, then just be responsive when he contacts you. This your way of letting him know that you are not "abandoning" him per say. But at the same time you are showing him through your actions that you are not going to "chase" him and he will have to come to you. You will never know how interested he is if you dont stop initiating things. Step back and let him do some of the work and intitiate some things himself so that you know how interested he is. Its usually best to let a man "lead the way" so that you dont have any questions. If he leads you into a relationship, then you turn out to get what you want. If he doesnt lead you into a relationship, then he wasnt very interested. And like I said in my previous post, you GUIDE his actions by either responding positively when he does something right, or you pulll back when he does something wrong.

[che_jesse]

Did your books tell you that its sometimes called a "booty call"?

 

It does not matter what he says between "hi" and "lets go out tonight/tommrow night", it does not change what it is one bit. Men really are not all that complicated dear.

[fray718]

Did your books tell you that its sometimes called a "booty call"?

 

It does not matter what he says between "hi" and "lets go out tonight/tommrow night", it does not change what it is one bit. Men really are not all that complicated dear.

we've never even gone past first base. After we made out on our 4th date, he never even tried to french kiss me or do anything suggestive at all for 5th and 6th date. I've learned in the past to not get physical until its an established relationship.

[che_jesse]

we've never even gone past first base. After we made out on our 4th date, he never even tried to french kiss me or do anything suggestive at all for 5th and 6th date. I've learned in the past to not get physical until its an established relationship.

 

 

Dosent matter, its all the same things. Lots of times men sort of keep track of how long they know you then forget what you acutally did during that time they know you. If to them 1 month = getting head in the car on the way home from the bar then after a month they will start asking you to go to the bar. Its not even all the planned.

 

Really though, when someone wants to acutally be with you they will be. When they call you up randomly when they get lonely its a booty call.

[fray718]

Dosent matter, its all the same things. Lots of times men sort of keep track of how long they know you then forget what you acutally did during that time they know you. If to them 1 month = getting head in the car on the way home from the bar then after a month they will start asking you to go to the bar. Its not even all the planned.

 

Really though, when someone wants to acutally be with you they will be. When they call you up randomly when they get lonely its a booty call.

I've done the bad thing of letting go a guy who I liked alot but I was scared to death at the time because I was scared of getting hurt and had alot of insecurities. If a girl can do it, can't guys do the same either?

 

I'm 100% sure its not booty call cuz he knows I take it realllyyyyy slow and I made it quite clear. If he wanted booty call, he could get it easily with alot of other girls.

[Guest]

Did your books tell you that its sometimes called a "booty call"?

 

It does not matter what he says between "hi" and "lets go out tonight/tommrow night", it does not change what it is one bit. Men really are not all that complicated dear.

 

 

I am a dude. I concur. Regardless of how far you went... when I REALLY liked a girl, I called her and setup the next date ASAP. ASAP. If i was only calling her on the weekends I either

 

a.) just wanted someone i could hangout with that wasn't my Wii OR

b.) wanted some action

 

Either way, its no good. My advice: just let it be. If he likes you, he'll start the callin, if not, you're better off anyway

[fray718]

I am a dude. I concur. Regardless of how far you went... when I REALLY liked a girl, I called her and setup the next date ASAP. ASAP. If i was only calling her on the weekends I either

 

a.) just wanted someone i could hangout with that wasn't my Wii OR

b.) wanted some action

 

Either way, its no good. My advice: just let it be. If he likes you, he'll start the callin, if not, you're better off anyway

hm....yea he prob stopped liking me, especially after I sorta lied to him....on our phone call before our first date I hung up while talking to him on the phone and he kept calling back and I didnt pick up....next day I told him my phone died.

 

After our 4th date we argued and I confessed that my phone didnt die that day but that I hung up cuz his voice sounded like my ex-bf and it really threw me off. I apologzed so much to him about it. I told him that I felt strange at times hanging out with him like I was sorta being with my ex again (cringe, i know) but I told him for sure that I can get over these feelings and I really like him for him. I knew he was hella upset about it but he told me that he's not mad at all about it and we started to date again for another week until last saturday.

 

This subject never came back up again but I think it will still bug most people. He prob stopped liking me after that. Is there any way possible to turn this around? Or is it just all up to him now? We've got alot of issues...should I talk to him about it after I wait for another week or so? Or just lose all contact and see if he ever comes back? I guess if he can get himself to get over all these issues, he will come back and if not, well then nothing I can do except move on....

 

Not sure what to do.....

[annabelle75]

 

This subject never came back up again but I think it will still bug most people. He prob stopped liking me after that. Is there any way possible to turn this around? Or is it just all up to him now? We've got alot of issues...should I talk to him about it after I wait for another week or so? Or just lose all contact and see if he ever comes back? I guess if he can get himself to get over all these issues, he will come back and if not, well then nothing I can do except move on....

 

I think that line pretty much sums up the reason he lost interest. He probably decided it was way too early to have to deal with so many issues. If you were having fights even before you became a couple, that is never a good sign. He may have decided to just bail out before things got too serious and there was more drama.

[fray718]

I think that line pretty much sums up the reason he lost interest. He probably decided it was way too early to have to deal with so many issues. If you were having fights even before you became a couple, that is never a good sign. He may have decided to just bail out before things got too serious and there was more drama.

yea i knew from day one things might get kinda crazy considering all this...but ASSUMING he lost interest cuz of all these issues, is there really no turning point? Is there nothing I can do? I'm not devastated about all this but I do like him alot and its just kinda sad for me and I want to at least do something about it (maybe another miracle might occur) before I let go for good.

[annabelle75]

For now I think there isn;t much point on trying to turn it around. He's pulled away and trying to get him back will only cause more drama. Its a shame when you really like some one, but it just seems the timing wasn't good. Too many issues much too soon.

[fray718]

For now I think there isn;t much point on trying to turn it around. He's pulled away and trying to get him back will only cause more drama. Its a shame when you really like some one, but it just seems the timing wasn't good. Too many issues much too soon.

yea actually when we argued we both agreed that the timing seems off for us (him reminding me of my ex and him just out of a ltr)...but we decided to give it one more shot just to see what happens..it was a miracle that even happened...but i guess its just not meant to be

[fray718]

Ok, so yesterday, he deleted me from facebook . There was this other girl he went out with once or twice before me like a month ago yet she is still on there (but I'm 100% sure he's not dating her cuz he only dates one girl at a time). My sis said he wouldnt delete me if he just got bored of dating me, he deleted me cuz he's hurt by what I said of how when I'm with him I feel like I"m with my ex and he wants to forget me (it prob didnt help either when a few days ago one of my super cute guy freinds posted on my wall about meeting up to play board games soon). I remember he said he usually stays friends with people he's dated, so I was very shocked when he so openly deleted me as his friend w/o notice esp since I dont even post on his facebook wall. I called him about 7 hours ago (no picking up, I left a long ass voicemail) to pretty much call him out on it and tell him i dont have those weird ex-related feelings anymore and it's not even a big deal at all, etc....havent heard back yet. Any thoughts?

[Island Girl]

The book "venus and mars on a date'" has a very interesting theory on this saying that guys feel uncertain after intimicy but call back if/once they get over that fear.

 

I've never had that happen -- the situation but this book is a bunch of crap.

 

The authors have been married and divorced many times.

 

Including married while they wrote the book and yet divorced each other.

 

If they knew what they were talking about they'd certainly have been able to make it work but, alas, noooo.

I wouldn't refer to it as an advisory source.

[fray718]

I've never had that happen -- the situation but this book is a bunch of crap.

 

The authors have been married and divorced many times.

 

Including married while they wrote the book and yet divorced each other.

 

If they knew what they were talking about they'd certainly have been able to make it work but, alas, noooo.

I wouldn't refer to it as an advisory source.

If you read the message above, well the guy aint calling back haha. My sis said Im the bad guy here...idk, I guess if i were in his shoes I'd feel my ego was smashed if someone told me that when they were with me it felt like they were being with their ex again. Cringe.