I know it's right, but i'm still in pain -

[NC casualty]

My MM and I entered a NC about a month ago. I know it is the right thing to do and it was me that actually started it. I should let you in on the fact that I have done this before (meaning starting NC) and have always called him after a few weeks. The difference between this time and every other time is that every other time was after a fight. This time I told him that we need to calm down, take a breathe and decide what we want to do. I told him I wanted to be freinds. I felt we had freindship as we have both been through a tremendous amount of trauma in our lives and that is actually how we got together in the first place. We leaned on each other in our time of need and developed a love affair. I really thought we could carry off the "freindship" thing as I really do feel for him although our affair was causing us both pain as both of us felt the stress of it which had us arguing. I thought "well lets stop the affair part so we can still be friends and enjoy each other's company. I envisioned talking once or twice a week instead of 2-3 a day.

 

Here's my problem. I'm angry at him because it has been a month and he NEVER called! He does not miss his friend? I'm SO angry at him because I thought we ended it like two adults and really thought we could've been freindly as I thought we really meant something to each other. At the very least, I thought I would hear from him after a week or so to ensure I was OK - maybe even to say that he is OK and leaving the affair behind was a good idea and that he will enjoy us being friends. I had mentioned to him that I did not want to be the one to re-establish contact because I was the one that did it all the other times. Here it is a month later and he never called. I am Oh-SO angry at him and I hate this feeling. He hasn't even sent a quick e-mail to say "hey, I'm doing well - hope you are too" I really did hope he was doing well in the beginning, but since I see him walk away without a thought for over a month - I wish him SYPHILLUS!

 

How could he DO that??? More importantly, How do I get OVER him??? How dare he walk away and leave me (his friend) crying every day because I miss my friend - this could've worked, not it's dead. How dare he have the power. I want it to stop. I want him out of my head. I want to recover and walk away without a care like he did.

 

Could it be that he did not even care about me as a freind? I can't beleive it. Please help. Please don't bash. Please help me regain my power and strength. I had a moment of weakness today and told him "goodbye forever" and how I was upset that he could turn his back so easily and that he apparently is not the person I thought he was. As opposed to being a great guy all he cares about is himself and that he can treat even a freind (ex-lover) so poorly after everything I've done for HIM!

 

What do I do? Please give me good advice about forgetting about my lousy friend and ex-lover, regaining my power, improving my own life and having a chance to be happy. It was such a mistake to have any relationship with him - I feel so bad right now.

 

Does anyone else get angry at the other person over an NC? Does anyone else relate? Or am I nuts? I thought we were at least friends, I feel so bad I was so wrong about what our relationship actually was.

 

Please help - please?

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline, his wife comes first and him being involved with you is inappropriate. Don't beat yourself up and don't let what happened between you two RUIN you as a person, let alone as a woman. BE strong and know that you have it in you to get over him. Keep busy and be with friends in your life who DO care about you.

 

You're better off without him, so stay in NC mode.

 

Go into the OW/OM section and read forbiddenfruits' recent thread, I think you could gain some insight from what she just went through.

 

Your MM is selfish and keep that in mind next time you want to talk to him, or try to be in his life. you will only be hurting yourself and enabling HIS behaviour towards you if you cave and call him. He is married, and isn't leaving his wife, so what is the point of even thinking about him anymore, all he will do is cause you pain.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

[4whatItsWorth]

I am pretty sure his wife said no-no to friendship if she knows about the affair or found out. Friendship with OW is not possible.

 

I could add my ex boyfriend is the same as your MM. I wanted to be friends but he treats me like crap. ^^ I am always the one to contact him but he'd not care if I was dead or alive.

 

No woman needs a man like that. Find yourself a man who WILL call you and who WANTS to be with you - that's what I did.

[Jinxx]

Here's my problem. I'm angry at him because it has been a month and he NEVER called! He does not miss his friend? I'm SO angry at him because I thought we ended it like two adults and really thought we could've been freindly as I thought we really meant something to each other.

 

Could it be that he did not even care about me as a freind? I can't beleive it. Please help. Please don't bash. Please help me regain my power and strength. I had a moment of weakness today and told him "goodbye forever" and how I was upset that he could turn his back so easily and that he apparently is not the person I thought he was. As opposed to being a great guy all he cares about is himself and that he can treat even a freind (ex-lover) so poorly after everything I've done for HIM!

 

Does anyone else get angry at the other person over an NC? Does anyone else relate? Or am I nuts? I thought we were at least friends, I feel so bad I was so wrong about what our relationship actually was.

 

Please help - please?

 

You're not nuts and your feelings are normal. Have been there. Still sorta going through it.

 

One month is not long enough. I went NC with XMM as of the beginning of this year. Nothing was really said or talked out.... it just happened. The problem was that we work part time together and for the last couple of months I've been spared being put on the same schedule.

 

I also experienced the anger you are going through -- still am at times, good and bad days.... that sorta thing. I thought we were close friends and one of the things discussed prior to our affair was wrecking a good friendship. HUGE concern of mine. Well you can't have it both ways.

 

Last week out of the blue he called me. Weird. It was as if nothing happened and two friends talking.... mostly about our daughters as they have become good friends. This week I missed his IM. Whatever. He ended up calling again that afternoon. Why??? I have no friggin idea except he discussed our kids again. No mention of our past at all. Now our kids have been hanging out for a long time and he's never called before to talk about them. So why is he doing this? Maybe he is fishing or miserable at home right now. Not my problem.

 

I wish he wouldn't have called. It brought me back to a place I no longer desire to be.

 

As hard as this will be for you try and work on moving on. It is not worth torturing yourself over this, really it isn't.

 

What you looking for is closure. He can't or won't give it to you for his own selfish reasons. I never really got it either.

[norajane]

MM who cheat are notoriously selfish - it's all about them and what they want. When you told him no-no to the sex, he stopped contacting you because you were no longer going to give him what he wanted. As for the friendship, it's hard for ex-lovers to be friends under the best of circumstances. A man who is married is not the best of circumstances. It's just too complicated. I'm sure he was your friend at first, but things changed once you added the lover part, and you just can't go back to the way things were and be 'just friends' now.

 

You will move on. As with the end of any relationship, you will move on once you accept that it is over and you and this guy aren't going to have contact. It will take some time, but you will do it. Give yourself some time, and then get out there and live your life.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Just a suggestion - perhaps post in the OW/OM forum next time. This is more of a topic for that area.

 

As for being friends...I tried that and that is what brought us to having an A. We couldn't be just friends. We couldn't spend time together without needing to spend more time together. We couldn't maintain any distance - we needed to touch each other, to hold hands, to hug etc... We discovered that by being honest. Prior to that we tried to be friends in a superficial way. That was unsatisfying and fake and not really a friendship. It is, in my opinion, impossible to maintain a friendship when there is still a desire for intimacy (either physical or emotional).

 

We have been NC for about 5 months. Certainly it has been broken a couple of times. Most recently he emailed me to wish me happy Mother's Day. I responded with a thank you, and haven't heard since. And that is how it should be.

 

I don't feel any anger towards him, and I know that for a long time to come, we will always "check in" with each other like that. But we can't be friends and we both acknowledge that. We also knew when we went NC that we would not be able to maintain it forever. We knew that there would be the odd bit of contact, just to ensure that the other is still ok and maybe a tiny part of our lives still.

 

I don't hold any hope that this will change and it is a way to maintain our friendship in the only way we can. And I know there are many that would say I will never truly get over him if I allow these breaks in NC. But like everyone else, I believe my situation is different. And I would not recommend it to anyone who is hoping he will come back. I have moved on, though he will always hold a piece of my heart.

 

Perhaps your MM recognizes the difficulty if not the impossibility of being friends with you and is trying to cope the best way he can? Maybe he believes it is best for you that he doesn't contact you? That you will be able to pick up your life and move on if he is not in the picture even as a friend? As well, if he is trying to work on his marriage, then a friendship with you will be detrimental to that goal.

 

You will find that the pain will start to get less each day. That you won't be thinking of him all the time. And you will have a good day followed by more of the bad ones. It's not easy to get over a relationship, whether it was with an MM or a SG.

 

You can make it through. Just focus on yourself, do things for yourself, go out and get busy!

[Trialbyfire]

[Tbf rant]Lord I get so angry at MM in general. What is it with this need to have everything? How needy and selfish can you be to want to do this to people? Ugh, ugh, ugh...[/rant over]