How to end 6+ year live in relationship

[P27]

(apologies if this posted twice)

I already have my mind made up that my 7 year relationship is over. It has been for a number of years and hate confrontation, shame on me. Well the issue is that as a 45+ divorced male, living with a single mom of a special needs 19 year old daughter, guilt is my first hurdle. I bought a house and had my girlfriend move in with her daughter over 6 years ago, now my mind has been made up that this is going nowhere. I so still love her but as far as long-long term, no. We are so different in many respects and our tastes and interests are falling further and further apart. I have spent a better part of 20 years alone and did just fine, but by breaking up (and not knowing how to do it) with her, it would put and her daughter out in streets! She is employed but I have been the major financial support for us and I know she is capable but still, guilt!

Just to clarify, there is no one else in my life right now and as I stated, almost 20 years alone so I think I can handle the solitude. Speaking of solitude, there is one point that is blindingly clear to me is that she has been called "Velcro-Woman", and believe me it fits. I can honestly say there are few times in the past 6 years we have ever been apart and I realized that this was the catalyst for my decision to try to end this. So how do I break this all to her aside from being honest, which I have no problem being, but I truly hate confrontations and we have never had a single argument in the 6+ years we have known each other.

Please advise soon, I fear I will burst (figuratively speaking) without some advice.

[che_jesse]

I really dont see how you could make "Honey I think its over and you and your daughter need to move out" any easier to take. Theres really no way to gloss it over or anything.

 

I think you should tell her as soon as possible, that way she will have as much time as she can get to make arrangements for herself and her child. Are you ok letting the two of them live with you while they get everything figured out? Will the two of you be able to handle that? How about breaking up with her and taking a vacation that is long enough for her to clear out but does not throw her out on the street that same day and you wont have to see them?

[P27]

Totally agree that time is critical in every respect. And I have NO problem with them staying until she makes arrangements, albeit very uncomfortable This not a completely loveless situation, just not a relationship that will last. As far as a vacation, not likely as I am in the midst of acquiring new employment (not related to this situation, just odd timing).

Thank you for your input and looking forward to getting more from all.

[Art_Critic]

P.. I really feel for your issue..

 

I don't think there is a way of breaking up with someone in your situation without having some guilt or remorse.

With your issue with confrontation and guilt I would suggest maybe going to see counselor for a session or two..

They may be able to help you in regard to the relationship and breaking up and dealing with your guilt.

 

I'm sorry I can't offer a better answer than that other than speak with her and create the confrontation that will bring the dialog to the forefront that would allow you to talk about it.. but that is the obvious.

 

Maybe other Ls'rs can chime in and help some..

 

I will say though that after 7 years and the love that is still there as well as her daughter I think treating her with the utmost respect is in order.. Don't throw her out or make it a hardship on her.

 

Good Luck

[Guest]

>>I bought a house and had my girlfriend move in with her daughter over 6 years ago, now my mind has been made up that this is going nowhere. I so still love her but as far as long-long term, no

 

Long term no? Dude you are already long term. 6 years long term.

 

Your post doesn't make any sense. You seem completely ready to give up and make them walk w/o addressing what the core issues are, if any. Have you considered that the problem may lie with you, not with them, and by kicking them out you are just ruining a good thing and ducking your problems?

 

I enourage you to see a counselor. You have stated a single articulate reason for ending a six year relationship with a person you claim to love. Think about that.

[Ssheena]

I don't think you are being very fair to the woman or her child here.

 

You have made a decision that affects both/all of you without any input from her or even giving her a chance. Why is that? Sure relationships change over the years and feelings ebb and flow (and it's easier for me to say this than to do it) but if you have any respect for the person you are with and can remember that you do or did at one time love them, they and you deserve a 110% effort to salvage a relationship before just deciding it's over.

 

Jeez. My x stated to me, "I've decided we aren't compatible"... and I think..oooh, "you've" decided it huh? Who died and left you in charge? Pretty one sided don'tcha think? A relationship is two people..not just one.

 

Sometimes things can be fixed and are stronger afterwords - relationships and people aren't cheap appliances to be thrown away at the first sign of something being off.

 

I'd love to see Polywog reply to this and put her two cents in.

[polywog]

Polywog, here with my 2 cents, conjured up by Ssheena!

 

I agree with her, btw.... you can't just decide to end something that is both of yours without giving it a chance, and letting her have say. It sounds to me like you have vague unprocessed feelings of why it isn't working and don't know how to air them, that you just want to back away. I don't mean to be critical at all. She probably has things she's like to say, too. But it sounds like you are both scared to do it. Understandably, it's always a risk. But LTRs can't grow without weeding the garden sometimes.

 

It just seems like you both need to work on things and the guilt factor is scaring you from looking at the issues, the possibility that it won't work, and it's backing you into a wall. And it's a proven fact that there is a critical point between 5 to 7 years in most relationships where they are questioned by one or both partners. And the relationship is like a third entity; you, her, and what you have together. I think maybe the latter has been neglected, maybe you nver thought of it that way.

 

Have you looked at the Marriagebuilders site? I found it too late to salvage my LTR, but it's really got great strategies for helping with all this stuff.

 

Good luck and best thoughts to both of you....

[Guest]

Why not start charging her a nominal rent? I've done this in the past and it is a bit of a fight, but you could also argue that in doing so, you are increasing her independence as well.

 

When she feels that she is contributing something to the expenses, she might feel that she is more of an equal partner and can possibly speak her mind a bit easier.

 

Also, if she is contributing something, that will get her used to that extra expense. You will also know that she's there with you because she cares for you and not the roof you are providing. If she decides to leave, then maybe she was living there for the wrong reason.

 

I'm also not saying to charge full market value, but maybe 40-50% of what a similar place would cost.

 

Just my thinking,

 

Rami

[P27]

First, let me pass my appreciation to all who have taken the time to reply to this dilemma, second, to our “Guest", let me define to you what my interpretation is of long term. Long term for me means Life…as in “until death do you part…”. That is what long term truly is. And the core issue is, there is no core issue. No dysfunctional relationship can be centered on one core issue, it evolves around problems with the relationship triangle. You have three distinct sides to any relationship; Physical, emotional and spiritual. The latter being that illusive and often intangible attraction that binds two people over the course of a lifetime, emotional being the sharing and communication of feelings and of course the physical being the majority of our first attraction to another.

As far as the problem might lie with me? Well, that’s fairly obvious in my original post, the inability to confront, the onset of guilt even though nothing has been said or done yet? I think these few examples paint a pretty clear picture that I do have issues to resolve.

But what I am trying to state here is that I do not want to sit down and start pointing the finger of blame at either of us, blame should not even be in a conversation like this. But more to the point that, yes I have resolved to the fact that this relationship is and has been over for some time. Referencing back to my “triangle”, all the sides are missing. Not all at once but each side has been gradually eaten away over the past 6 years and I have thought about what could possibly be done to try to rebuild it. Well, knowing full well what her original feelings have been since the beginning (marriage), the topic never came up again for these past 6 years. I honestly feel she is missing out on a better relationship where she could be happier having what she deserves, a husband and father-figure for her daughter.

Well if you’re on East coast time you’ll see it’s getting late and I’m fairly tired now. I’ll try to post more later after some sleep. Good night all.

[Ormolu611]

I have resolved to the fact that this relationship is and has been over for some time. . . . . . .the topic never came up again for these past 6 years.

 

There really is something wrong with this language, and the fact that in your original post, you stated that you have never had a single argument in the 6+ years that you guys have known each other. Do you see what I mean?

 

You are telling us that your relationship is over and has been for quite some time, but at the same time, you are saying that there has been absolutely no communication regarding these issues from you. You are not satisfied in this relationship and have made no effort to identify, address, or correct any issues - all the time letting your partner think that everything is hunky dory because you are afraid of arguing. I have always thought that a relationship without any arguments is a jacked up relationship, and this thread supports that idea. If there are no arguments, someone is not communicating - period. This is a clear danger sign!!!! Arguments are a part of a healthy relationship.

 

I think that this is supremely unfair and really very irresponsible for you to behave this way towards your partner. I feel bad for her already because I think that she is in for a real shocker, and no one deserves that. I totally agree with guest, Ssheena, an Poly on this one. You really should make your feelings known and face it with your partner before bailing on her. I wish you and her the best.