a4a Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 It's stuff like that gives me such a low opinion of women. I also am looking at the women's infiledlity board and it amazes me how so many of these women see nothing wrong at all with doing this. I don't understand why more men don't feel the way I do. How can any man who looks at the world around him with open eyes not be a misogynist? Intresting: But the dirt bag best friend (male) is innocent? hell that is even worse.... he claims "friendship" betrayed his own gender too in the name of pootang. ************************************************* OP if you want to be with the best friend and your love is so perfect and true....... tell your H immediatley and go be with the best friend. You would be doing all the players in this tragic story a favor by just coming out from under the fridge.
Woggle Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Intresting: But the dirt bag best friend (male) is innocent? hell that is even worse.... he claims "friendship" betrayed his own gender too in the name of pootang. ************************************************* OP if you want to be with the best friend and your love is so perfect and true....... tell your H immediatley and go be with the best friend. You would be doing all the players in this tragic story a favor by just coming out from under the fridge. I agree with you. I always say that men are somtimes are own worst enemies. We can kick feminism hard if men stuck together.
Flyin in Clouds Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I’ve been married for over 13 years now. I met my Husband’s now best friend over 10 years ago. .... Any advice????? Disclaimer: I've been attracted to my wife's best friend for 30 years... "haven't had sex with that women, but I'd like to." (Robin Williams line...) Anwway, advice? How about the four of you swapping spouses? Your H and best friend's W don't seem all that intersted in sex, while you and best friend seem better paired. No need for a messy divorce or anything just occasional sleep overs. And yes, my wife's friend's H and I discussed swapping wives once... for about 30 seconds. We decided that if we even brought it up our wives would castrate us so we dropped the whole idea. But it was always a hot fantasy. And while many of the "vanilla" people on here don't believe in swinging or swapping, there are couples out there that find "alternate" lifesytles perfectly acceptable. Not the majority for sure but some... Life is short. Don't mess it up. The biggest problem isn't the illicit sex, but the dishonesty, the betrayal, deciet, secrecy, ... If you had been up front with everyone and all four of you decided to swap wives nobody would object. (Ok, I'm sure somebody would object, but screw them. It's not their life... if the four of you agreed to live as one big polyamoury, polygamist, polyandrous family who am I to object to you all loving one another.... ow.. that could be really hot. Think of all the combinations... ) Do not get caught up in thinking all sex has to involve deep ever lasting love. It doesn't. I'm sure others will disagree.
Author Confused94 Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 I brought that up to my H, but it was out of the question....
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Are you serious????? You actually asked your husband?
ruby_gloom Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Disclaimer: I've been attracted to my wife's best friend for 30 years... "haven't had sex with that women, but I'd like to." (Robin Williams line...) Anwway, advice? How about the four of you swapping spouses? Your H and best friend's W don't seem all that intersted in sex, while you and best friend seem better paired. No need for a messy divorce or anything just occasional sleep overs. And yes, my wife's friend's H and I discussed swapping wives once... for about 30 seconds. We decided that if we even brought it up our wives would castrate us so we dropped the whole idea. But it was always a hot fantasy. And while many of the "vanilla" people on here don't believe in swinging or swapping, there are couples out there that find "alternate" lifesytles perfectly acceptable. Not the majority for sure but some... Life is short. Don't mess it up. The biggest problem isn't the illicit sex, but the dishonesty, the betrayal, deciet, secrecy, ... If you had been up front with everyone and all four of you decided to swap wives nobody would object. (Ok, I'm sure somebody would object, but screw them. It's not their life... if the four of you agreed to live as one big polyamoury, polygamist, polyandrous family who am I to object to you all loving one another.... ow.. that could be really hot. Think of all the combinations... ) Do not get caught up in thinking all sex has to involve deep ever lasting love. It doesn't. I'm sure others will disagree. Posts like these make me want to vomit. If you want to continue living a life where you are able to have sex with whomever whenever you please and with 'no strings' attached, then, uh, don't get married! I personally would never have sex just for the sake of having sex or to 'scratch the itch' as some here say, but I know others would and do, and that's just fine. If you are single and want to sleep with innumerable amounts of people because you have feelings for them or for their genitals, then go right on ahead. Nothing wrong with that, surely. Just remember to, you know, not get married! Seriously, in my opinion, all this spouce swapping and spinning and what other such nonsense is a real low blow for the institution of marriage. I know there are some who think marriage is all about money, money, money but that is a highly cynical viewpoint that is only valid amongst equally cynical individuals. When you get married, you should first and foremost getting married for love, closely followed by respect, as well as a positive prospect of happiness. If you don't love, respect, or think you can be happy with X person, then don't marry them, for goodness' sake! Why is that concept so hard to understand? Sure other more palpable factors, like financial stability for example, do play roles, but they should be secondary, imo. When you get married and all of a sudden decide that your penis wants to go f.ck another vagina, I think you should first attempt to work that issue within yourself and then talk it out with your spouce. If it is something you can work out, then do so, but if it's not, then the marriage and unhappiness should be brought to an end. There is never any justification whatsoever to cheat on a person, whether you are married or not. All of the 'reasons' people who cheat give are nothing but bulls.t that they tell to themselves and others in their mediocre attempt to 'justify' themselves. Cheating is a voluntary action--one that will inflict much hurt and despair to your partner, the one you claim to 'love' in X way. Oh yea f.cking right you love them. While it's true that we sometimes do hurt the ones we love, if we do it consciously and willingly, then that, imo, is a sign that we probably do not love them as much as we try to delude ourselves into thinking that we do. I know being a swinger is a chosen lifestyle, but I simply don't understand the reasoning behind it. You clearly want to have sex with others other than your spouce (and not the fantastical 'oohh, i want to have sex with X movie staaarrr . . . !!' but the kind of feeling you actually act on), so why get married in the first place? If all you want them for is company and occassional sex, then why not just be 'friends with benefits' or other such charade or something? To have sex with others other than with your spouce, aside from being utterly disgusting cheating behavior, is just completely disrespectful to your spouce! Why do that to them? It makes no sense to me! And the OP seemed completely careless about whether what she was doing was wrong or not or whether if affect her husband and her marriage or not--nope, she didn't seem to give a rat's ass about, you know, the important things. All she cared was about how to proceed with her lalaland affair. To me, the question was more like, "What should I do? Should I tell my OM that I love him or should I want for him to do it? Or maybe I should tell him next time we have sex or when we reach our cheating anniversary. I don't know! Help! Advice?" more than, "What should I do? I feel confused. I feel like I'm in love, but I don't want to keep deceiving my husband. Can this really be love? Should I just stop seeing the OM? Should I talk to my husband? How can I untangle this mess?" Sorry but what a bunch of garbage. Cheating is just one of those things that does not sit well with me in the least bit. But even given that, I'd probably forgive an emotional affair more than I would a physical affair. The former just seems unfortunate while the latter is just disgusting.
Trialbyfire Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 While I agree with most of what your points ruby_gloom, the codicil I would like to add is that some people believe in open marriages and start their marriage as such, with full disclosure, including disclosure to any third, fourth, fifth or sixth party. It's not something that I would even consider doing but they are adults and can live with this. To them marriage is like a secure financial and emotional home-base, instead of the loving institution of marriage that we romantics believe in.
ilmw Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 While I agree with most of what your points ruby_gloom, the codicil I would like to add is that some people believe in open marriages and start their marriage as such, with full disclosure, including disclosure to any third, fourth, fifth or sixth party. It's not something that I would even consider doing but they are adults and can live with this. To them marriage is like a secure financial and emotional home-base, instead of the loving institution of marriage that we romantics believe in. Just came across this post... Tbf... keep talking girl... On a more serious note.... the word open marriage... is a oxymoron... and is something I can not get my head around... As Tbf said.... adults are adults.. and as long as they are ok with the situation... and are prepared for possible consequences... then it is their lives to lead... Each to their own I guess
ruby_gloom Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 While I agree with most of what your points ruby_gloom, the codicil I would like to add is that some people believe in open marriages and start their marriage as such, with full disclosure, including disclosure to any third, fourth, fifth or sixth party. It's not something that I would even consider doing but they are adults and can live with this. To them marriage is like a secure financial and emotional home-base, instead of the loving institution of marriage that we romantics believe in. Oh, you're absolutely right in that if it was disclosed aforehand, then by all means, go right ahead and live the way you want. Like you, it is something that I would never do, but if others want and do engage in these lifestyles, then let them. To me, it becomes deranged and disrespectful when these feelings/ideas all of a sudden 'pop up' from out of nowhere. And while I agree that adults should be able to live however they want short of them hurting another, I think that these 'alternative lifestyles' are a bunch of bullsh.t. Yes, to them it may be a way to procure financial stability moreso than anything else, but in truth it's just some new age type of ideal that allows people to live in some warped ways that allow them all of the benefits they can grab from every which way. I guess it's natural to human nature. I don't know. It's just disrespectful, imo. And quite disgusting. On a more serious note.... the word open marriage... is a oxymoron... and is something I can not get my head around... Yea, me neither. I know a lot of people say that it feels strange because it's a 'new idea' (is it?) or whatever, implying that only 'old' (old-fashioned?) people have a problem with these new (modern?) ideas or whatever. I'm 20 and I don't think I'm that old-fashioned or anything and I just think all of these shenanigans are ludicrous. Since when is being dignitary and respectful old-fashion? What the hell is happenening to society, seriously . . . .
Trialbyfire Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I completely agree r_g. As for you ilmw, you shouldn't encourage me. That's what this board needs, more of my opinion...
Author Confused94 Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 I married my H because I just didn't think anyone else would want me. I was a little on the heavy side back then. I do love him as a friend, but not like a wife is supposed to love her H. My H acts older than the OM that I am seeing. My H doesn't want sex very often and the OM does. The OM's W doesn't want sex hardly at all. If you aren't giving your spouse sex, then I feel you have a right to go somewhere else for it. You are supposed to give up everyone else for your spouse when you get married, but if your spouse stops giving it to you for whatever reason, it's not fair to the other one. Sex is enjoyable and no one should have to give it up because their spouse doesn't want it anymore. We (Me and the OM) give each other what we need/want. And, yes, I did ask my H about swapping partners. He did not "appreciate" that offer. And, by the way, I do not smell. There is nothing wrong with me. My H just doesn't want sex as often as I do, nor will he give me what I really want (though I have asked).
Author Confused94 Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 We could also have found some total stranger to have sex with, then could have brought home some disease or "fatal attraction" person. We chose to help each out.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 The point is YOUR HUSBAND DOES NOT want to have sex with another woman and he doesn't want to let you have sex with another man. You married him for the wrong reasons and now, years later you are unhappy. Please, get a divorce because HE deserves to be with a woman who will love, honour and respect him, not only as a husband, but as a human being. Don't be selfish and hang on to him for $$ reasons, or so you can have companionship.
Island Girl Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 We could also have found some total stranger to have sex with, then could have brought home some disease or "fatal attraction" person. We chose to help each out. Keeping the betrayal closer to home. How thoughtful. I guess I must be missing something here...
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 You are supposed to give up everyone else for your spouse when you get married, but if your spouse stops giving it to you for whatever reason, it's not fair to the other one. Sex is enjoyable and no one should have to give it up because their spouse doesn't want it anymore. We (Me and the OM) give each other what we need/want. Then you watch some porn, masterbate, buy a vibe. Or, you tell your H how serious you feel about sex and how important it is to you - and if he isn't willing to change, then get a divorce!! You cannot have your cake and eat it too, especially since your H is NOT open to the idea of having an open marriage. As I said earlier, you aren't inlove with your husband, you married him for the wrong reasons and now it's time to move on and let him go so he can find happiness again.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 If you aren't giving your spouse sex, then I feel you have a right to go somewhere else for it. Hmmmm... did you happen to SHARE that little tidbit with your husband. Did you happen to tell him you're currently ACTING on this belief??? Why not put your money where your mouth is? You BELIEVE you have "a right to go somewhere else for it"?... Stand up and be counted. Shout it out. Let him know. Otherwise, you're just a coward who can't stand up and support her own philosophy. Oh... and by the way... That guy ain't your husband's "friend".
Mr. Lucky Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Why not put your money where your mouth is? You BELIEVE you have "a right to go somewhere else for it"?... Stand up and be counted. Shout it out. Let him know. Hallmark's saying is "We have a card for every occasion". I wonder which one you should pick to get that message across ? Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I married my H because I just didn't think anyone else would want me. I was a little on the heavy side back then. I do love him as a friend, but not like a wife is supposed to love her H. My H acts older than the OM that I am seeing. My H doesn't want sex very often and the OM does. The OM's W doesn't want sex hardly at all. If you aren't giving your spouse sex, then I feel you have a right to go somewhere else for it. You are supposed to give up everyone else for your spouse when you get married, but if your spouse stops giving it to you for whatever reason, it's not fair to the other one. Sex is enjoyable and no one should have to give it up because their spouse doesn't want it anymore. We (Me and the OM) give each other what we need/want. And, yes, I did ask my H about swapping partners. He did not "appreciate" that offer. And, by the way, I do not smell. There is nothing wrong with me. My H just doesn't want sex as often as I do, nor will he give me what I really want (though I have asked). Remember, you can't force your husband to accept your lifestyle within the marriage. The two of you began marriage with a legal, binding contract which included fidelity. If you choose to break the contract, then you should also ensure that your husband has full disclosure and is free to find someone else to meet his own requirements, therefore, afford him some happiness. Is your happiness that much more important than his?
Honeybea Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Hi, Ive just signed on here out of interest. I would very much like to hear from people who have been faced with this problem themselves would say....crumbs, so judgemental! I`m horrified really. How can a 20 year old really speak from the perspective of someone who has been through a very longterm relationship and years of change (themselves and partner`s)? I can remember looking at older couples and thinking `how can they do that` and `I would do it this way`, we change so much, our needs, outlooks, opinions, affections...yes, there were problems with Confused`s marriage in the first place but all have different benchmarks for what is a reason to get married and what we expect from that marriage. One should always try to treat others as you like to be treated yourself and most of us really strive to be good people but there are alot of `rules` out there, what I may feel is a sound one (because our society says so??) may not actually be necessary or right. Lust is an overwhelming feeling and, in my opinion, in some women strongly linked to an emotional need. You can`t just dismiss it, it`s there and has been force behind many good things too including initiating a heck of alot of sound relationships. The dishonesty is sad but an understandable human weakness. Confused is feeling just that, confused, and probably upset, guilty, etc. Those feelings are still valid so perhaps more gentle steering could be in order. Being a human is so hard, we all fail at times, Confused is not a bad person, she is facing a difficult time and needs help which doesn`t involve attacking her. So I think all these highly emotive posts should STOP, you are bringing your own crap into it, be objective, for goodness sake.
4whatItsWorth Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 If you aren't giving your spouse sex, then I feel you have a right to go somewhere else for it. You are supposed to give up everyone else for your spouse when you get married, but if your spouse stops giving it to you for whatever reason, it's not fair to the other one. So you're saying it is more fair to go and sleep around? Wow, I am lucky I am not your husband! I used to be with a guy I didn't love, but he was a nice guy. However, I realised I could never be with someone I didn't love even if he'd be the last man on earth who would want me. I think you should re-read your sentence and realise that if your husband had said that about you - then you'd not been as happy. I think you should come clean to your husband. Get divorced and then if the guy wants to be with you so much then he will leave his W for you.
hardcase Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 My H doesn't want sex very often and the OM does. The OM's W doesn't want sex hardly at all. If you aren't giving your spouse sex, then I feel you have a right to go somewhere else for it. If that were the case...I'd have slept with 100 women during my marriage. but I didn't...why?....I'm not like you. And no..you don't have a right to get it somewhere else. You took the vows, "forsaking all others". What you do have the right to do is get a divorce so you can spread your legs for whoever you want.
hardcase Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 So you're saying it is more fair to go and sleep around? Wow, I am lucky I am not your husband! Every man is lucky he isn't her husband. I wouldn't wish a woman like Confused on any man.
Ariadne Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Oh, Such a contemptuous post: Posts like these make me want to vomit. Just remember to, you know, not get married! a real low blow for the institution of marriage should first and foremost getting married for love, closely followed by respect, as well as a positive prospect of happiness. There is never any justification whatsoever to cheat on a person To have sex with others other than with your spouce, aside from being utterly disgusting cheating behavior, is just completely disrespectful to your spouce! the OP seemed completely careless about whether what she was doing was wrong but what a bunch of garbage. Cheating is just one of those things that does not sit well with me in the least bit. the latter is just disgusting ------------------ Coming from you, I can only imagine it has hit home, Ariadne
BentSpine Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Dear Confused94, For some reason you don't want to divorce your husband. Nevertheless, I think divorce would be better for you; Sexual compatibility is non-negotiable but I think you hoped that it would be. Now when you know differently, you will not make the same mistake in your next relationship. Good luck.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 We could also have found some total stranger to have sex with, then could have brought home some disease or "fatal attraction" person. We chose to help each out. Help each other out of what? You're not in prison, you're just married. Why not get divorced, marry the OM, etc. etc... Mr. Lucky
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