Frances Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Some of you will know of the long distance EA my h had for 11 years. I intended to really deal with the long term effects of this affair after two of our kids weddings are over. Family things will keep going on so now I feel that I will never be able to really get to deal with his EA the way I want to. He said the last time I brought it up "I thought you were over that by now" (It is still only 10 months since I found out, which is 1.5 years since it was over) Well now, my much loved daughter-in-law told me yesterday that she is pregnant with our first grandchild. She is due 8 weeks after the last of the 2 weddings. I am so pleased for her as she was begining to think she would never get pregnant. His EA has taken some of the joy from what should be a special time. My daughter-in-law lives near us and is thousands of miles from her own family, because of this I think we are closer than most mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships usually are. I keep telling myself that I can not allow what he did to spoil the family events. I feel that I am running away from reality. I have been on several trips in the past few months and I am planning some more, now I feel that I will not be able to keep going on trips as I will be needed for support and must now face my demons. He thinks everything is okay between us and that I am getting on with life. I am just a shell of what I was but I am trying to and sometimes succeeding with being happy.
silktricks Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I keep telling myself that I can not allow what he did to spoil the family events. I feel that I am running away from reality. I have been on several trips in the past few months and I am planning some more, now I feel that I will not be able to keep going on trips as I will be needed for support and must now face my demons. He thinks everything is okay between us and that I am getting on with life. I am just a shell of what I was but I am trying to and sometimes succeeding with being happy. Frances, you have chosen a method of dealing with your husband's EA already. You have chosen to compartmentalize for the sake of your family. That's not necessarily a bad way, if you can succeed at it, but it does seem that you are slowly getting over what happened, as can be seen in the last sentence of your post. Sometimes you are succeeding at being happy. Compartmentalization for the welfare of the family is OK, and that may end up being the way for you, as the time is never truly "convenient" to deal with pain. (though it may come back and bite you in the a$$ at some time , I sure hope it won't.) Posting here does help in many ways, but I hope that you also have someone that you can talk with. One thing I'd like to point out, though, is that from your prior posts, your husband's EA was not truly an eleven year EA. Most of the time his communication with her, though hidden from you, was not of an emotional or romantic nature. I'm adding that, not to change your mind, nor to lessen your feelings of betrayal, but more to explain why your husband's attitude may be in some ways surprising to you. Also, speaking from my own experience, my husband's attitude about what he did and realization of the wrongness of it was formed in part from seeing and experiencing the pain I was in. It's easy for a man (or woman probably) who has not done anything physical to figure that it was no big deal - especially if they don't see that the betrayed spouse has any obvious reaction to it. Both you and your husband seem to be able to compartmentalize in many ways. Your husband figures that you are over the past and have gone on, because that is what you have allowed him to believe. That is very similar to how you felt that things were OK between you when he was thinking of another woman because that was what he allowed you to believe. Sometimes, really, that is an OK way to deal with issues. Ignorance isn't really bliss, but ignorance can be not necessarily a bad thing either. I don't know that what I've said makes any sense at all, or even if what I've written conveys what's in my mind. But it does seem to me that you are slowly getting past what happened, you're just doing it inside of yourself instead of in your husband's face. Though that's not my way, it doesn't mean that it doesn't work.
Author Frances Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Thanks for all you have said and all the effort you went to. You make a lot of sense. I am dealing with some of my problems by stopping myself dwell on in for too long at a time. I have cut back on checking his email. Sometimes I still feel I love him but he has fallen off that pedestal I had him on. I do not talk to anyone about his EA anymore as after a while no one wants to listen, its a bit like a death people listen for a while but then you are expected to get on with it and accept what has happened. Thanks again.
norajane Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 It sounds like you spend a lot of your time and energy taking care of others. That's a tough habit to break when you need to take that time and energy for yourself for a change. Who is helping you deal with this EA? All those people you always help but who are tired of hearing about it? Your H who is no longer concerned and thinks things are fine? This is the time for you to go to some counseling, either on your own or with your H. It's time for you to take care of yourself since no one else will.
Author Frances Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 It sounds like you spend a lot of your time and energy taking care of others. That's a tough habit to break when you need to take that time and energy for yourself for a change. Who is helping you deal with this EA? All those people you always help but who are tired of hearing about it? Your H who is no longer concerned and thinks things are fine? This is the time for you to go to some counseling, either on your own or with your H. It's time for you to take care of yourself since no one else will. It is myself who has decided not to talk to others about the EA. Most of my friends and relations know nothing about it. This suits me as it means that I have to let it go most of the time and I can put it aside. I do not want to have them watching what they say to me and feeling pity for me. The family, I want them to get on with their lives. I go on the saying I heard " Just because you are in pain does not mean you have to be a pain" I am taking care of myself, hence the trips, my visits to a health centre on average 5 times a week and I have someone come in once a week to help clean my house (which I would never have done before finding out about the EA). I am spending money on myself which I was reluctant to do before, In fact I am putting myself first in lots of ways. Being able to come here on LS and vent helps a great deal. I wish all this had never happened but it has and I will just have to make the best of things. I love my kids and I seem to be blessed with the daughter- in-law I have, and also the in-laws I will have soon. He has robbed me of enough and I have no intention of allowing him to rob me and my kids of anymore than I can help.
silktricks Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Not having your husband on a pedestal any longer isn't a bad thing... I think one of those things so high up off the ground must get uncomfortable after awhile -- maybe that's even why some people have affairs, just to get off that thing. :lmao: Anyway, I'm thinkin' of you, Frances. Enjoy your children's weddings and your new grandchild. Grandkids are wonderful - they get us past the misery of actually having kids!! :D Do think ahead of your own life at some time. You have led your husband to believe that you have forgiven him. Maybe sometime you actually can...
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