justagirlforever Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 We met 4 years ago and became very close friends. During this time I've mostly been in one relationship only and she's been through loads. I've always been there for her (or so I'd at least like to think) through every heartache and breakup. She's also been through some pretty drastic family turmoil and I've always offered a shoulder to cry on an ear to listen. I've never turned down an invite to meet up or go out. Yet: she's repeatedly cancelled on me last minute. We'd have something planned a week etc. in advance and she'll message me like on the day to say she can't make it anymore (and usually says because she's now able to meet with current boyfriend). It came to the stage where I said to her "don't plan anything with me in advance, just call me on the day and well meet up and go out" - because I'm more of a last minute person though will also absolutely always stick to plans that were made far in advance. I've just had enough of always being blown off. And the latest cherry on the cake: I invite her to my house warming dinner party. Something we talk about for several weeks leading up to it. She saying she's so looking forward to it and bringing her new boyfriend along etc. etc. And then just doesn't turn up. Doesn't even call or text me! So the next day I blocked her from my MSN messenger. It's been 2.5 weeks and no peep from her. But I can see she's still on messenger, so it's not like something drastic happened to her. Is it not the height of unacceptable rudeness? Keep in mind I'm in my 33 and she's 40 - we live about 15 minutes drive apart. And she always refers to me as her best female friend. I'm starting to think that's complete nonsense and I've had enough. So she's blocked - and for the foreseeable future written off as a friend. And I will only speak with her ever again if she actually picks up the phone (not email or text) me and speaks to me. Is this too drastic? Surely I shouldn't need to point out these things to her. If she's that self absorbed - so can be so on her own 1
Pyro Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Not drastic at all. You have gone out of your way for her and look how she repeatedly pays you back. She is 15 minutes down the road and still can't make it to a dinner party? You deserve better friends than that JAGF. Don't contact her. Let her contact you and hopefully she will have a huge apology with that.
Author justagirlforever Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Thanks Riddler. I'm just really not sure (and a bit worried) and do sometimes wonder if I'm too harsh. When I went through my breakup a few months ago, I made a point of saying to her that I sincerely hope I never was that person who shunned a friendship for a relationship. And I don't believe I ever was. Though I'll admit that I was probably never the one to actively invite my (single) girlfriends out for a night out, I never ever turned an invite down. Because so often we can get caught up in relationships and ignore (or take for granted) our friends around us. And I don't want to be like that. For the most part, relationships seem to come and go - but surely friendships (or those you believe are friendships for life) are meant to last? I've "lost" two very good friends in the past (one I actively "wrote off" because I felt she emotionally abused me over a significant period of time). And another but that's a long story and I believe through no (conscious) fault of my own. These are people I honestly thought would be my friends for life. And I do have to wonder if I'm just too harsh? But yet I think I'm very easy going - I've just had enough of being used
Pyro Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Trust me when I say that we all have to write off friends throughout life. I had to write off a friend that I have known for 21 years last year, but it was for the better. You are doing the right thing for yourself. We all can sometimes take our friendships for granted when in a relationship but the best of friends will still make time to see each other and respect that each of us still needs to make time for our SO's.
Author justagirlforever Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Thanks Riddler I was afraid for even asking (and hearing that I'm unreasonalbe and rude). But I've mentioned this to a couple of other friends - and though they are of the same opinion (as you), I have to wonder if they're not just agreeing with me because that's the "friends thing to do". But evidently not.
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I had a friend like that and one day, enough was enough. I blew her off for life. I feel I deserve more than being a last minute option, ya' know what I mean?
Author justagirlforever Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 I feel I deserve more than being a last minute option, ya' know what I mean? Thanks TBF - you're too right. I kept compromising for so long. Que Sera Sera I guess.
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Thanks TBF - you're too right. I kept compromising for so long. Que Sera Sera I guess. No regrets then jag. If she wants your friendship, she can now do the work. If it's too much work for her, she's not going to be there for you when you really need her.
AriaIncognito Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Sometimes, you need to take a stand so someone knows that you are serious and wont be a doormat for their wants and needs alone. I think you did the right thing. She lives close. If she wants to contact you, she can stop by or phone you. It is often a mistake of people to not maintain their friendships while in a relationship, and it's a hard lesson to learn. If the relationship ends, and inevitably, they do, you are left with nobody to turn to. You're doing things right. Someday your older (but not necessarily wiser) friend will figure out how to do the same. Hopefully, for her sake, you'll find it in your heart to forgive her, when she sees the errpr of her ways.
Author justagirlforever Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Well, well, well - speak of the devil..... Guess who I got a phone call from today? It was at 5.30pm and I was still at work when she rang. I was in an office full of people and just couldn't take the call (knowing it would be a tricky conversation). So I let it ring and go through to voicemail. She left a message. Sounding very stressed an harrassed / rushed. Basically saying: "Hi xxx. I've been trying to get in touch with you online, but can't see you on messenger. So either you're on holiday, have a new job or..... (sounding uncomfortable) you've blocked me. I've been going through a break-up so have been hibernating. It all kicked off the night before your party so sorry I couldn't come. Hope you are well and speak to you soon." Well, without sounding harsh, it's frankly really no surprise that she's going through a breakup. And I feel very sorry for her - she was desperate for it to work - but for the wrong reasons - only because saw this relationship as her "last opportunity" to have a baby (within a relationship). I felt partly dreadful for being harsh, but still feel very hurt that she didn't even feel I warranted a mere text message to let me know she wasn't coming. It would have taken 10 seconds to say "sorry can't come. Will explain later". And "funny" how she was one of the first people I chose to speak with and text when my relationship crumbled to pieces and I was in floods of tears. But as I said before - it wasn't just this incident - it was the cherry on the cake in a long line of incidents. Anyway - she obviously deals with her emotional stuff in a very different way. I've decided I'm going to ring her tomorrow and tell her tactfully why I indeed blocked her. Wish me luck!
Trialbyfire Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Anyway - she obviously deals with her emotional stuff in a very different way. I've decided I'm going to ring her tomorrow and tell her tactfully why I indeed blocked her. Wish me luck! I like the course of action you've chosen to take. As long as you keep it on an even keel, best to communicate your reasons for your move to disassociate with her. If she's any kind of friend, she will understand and absorb your comments, then apologize or come back later as such. She has to understand what friendship entails.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 I like the course of action you've chosen to take. As long as you keep it on an even keel, best to communicate your reasons for your move to disassociate with her. If she's any kind of friend, she will understand and absorb your comments, then apologize or come back later as such. She has to understand what friendship entails. Totally agree...it may just be me, but I would be the first port of call for my best mate if she was going through a break-up and vice versa. It sounds more of an excuse to be honest i.e. she recognises that she was going to have to really justify her actions so it becomes "Ouch, I had a breakup" which makes you feel like you're being really harsh on her. But in reality, in the bank of friendship, you're making all of the credits and she's making all of the debits if that makes any sense. You sound like a really nice friend to have so make sure that the friends you have in your life know they're lucky to have you.
whichwayisup Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 IF you want to continue the friendship with her, you gotta tell her how you feel. How inconsiderate she's been, how she's blown you off and not given much thought about your feelings. How you feel like you've given so much to her and when you needed her, she hasn't been there. Don't make her feel bad, just speak from your heart and tell her it hurt you. Let her know too that if the friendship is going to flourish, she has to respect you and not cross the lines. Set up boundries, so she have no choice BUT to respect you. And, if by chance she gets pissed off or feels it's too much effort to put in then she isn't worth having in your life. I've let afew friends go over the years for various reasons, mostly because I got sick and tired of being there for them and then when I went through my stuff, they disappeared. One of my closest friends took off on me and didn't call me for weeks after my father had died. She is no longer in my life! I miss her and all, but she hurt me deeply and lied to me as well. Make a point too, even though she was in the process of breaking up, she could have still called to let you know she wasn't going to make it to your house warming party. IF that was someone in her family and there was a family function, she would have called to let them know she couldn't make it.
Author justagirlforever Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Thank you very much everyone. It's really helped to know that I'm not being unreasonable, too quick and too harsh. Well..... I just spoke with her. She profusely apologised. Long story short - it's mended and we're back on speaking terms. I explained how I felt and that I was hurt. She said she understands and is very sorry. (Sigh) oh well, we'll see how it goes. I think perhaps our friendship has perhaps taken a different turn. Thanks again all!
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