quiet1one1 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Hey 1step, Not sure I asked you this already or not...how old are you? Your story makes me think you've still got a lot of life ahead of you so .... you're young, single, AND in Southern California???? C'mon already .... Get the tears out and GO MAN!
Author onestepback Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Hey 1step, Not sure I asked you this already or not...how old are you? Your story makes me think you've still got a lot of life ahead of you so .... you're young, single, AND in Southern California???? C'mon already .... Get the tears out and GO MAN! I am 38 years old...Definitely not young, but surely not old. Plus many think I look in my twenties (due to staying fit). Its hard to get back that "single man" program...after four years and a program that read "life long partner...mother of my children to be". I can't wait until I get to the day when I look back and say.."I needed that to happen..I am glad she is out of my life". Thank you all for taking the time to post...I suppose my next question is... how many of you have found love again? How did you see it in your heart to trust another?? I can't even see being w/ another woman right now...but I am sure I will get to that point...I suppose the rejection could really eat a hole in the ego.
Gunny376 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Well certainly its possible, trouble is that first off before you can love someone else ~ you've got to learn to love yourself, and I realize that sound cliche, but its the truth. And before you can get into another relationship, you've got to learn how to be successful at being single ~ and really enjoy it. And not fear it ~ fully embrace it. Make it your own. Going from 12 years of marriage, a wife, chldren ~ a family to being single living in the Staff NCO BEQ, ...................Was it hard? You bet it was, all day hard. Talk about being freakning lost, dazed and confused. I didn't know until years later that my buddies had a watch over me. They were always checking up on me. They told me later, "Man, we were really worried there for awhile!" (LOL, I was always checking my 9mm and rifle out of the armory, and cleaning it, and sharpening my K-bar ~ it was theraputic to me, ~ its a Marine thing ~ you wouldn't understand! Actually it wasn't the same rifle, pistol, K-bar all the time, I was cleaning my Marine's rifle ~ just to have something to do) The key thing for you right now is get and stay busy. When Dgiirl was going through this she cleaned her house a lot. Me? I cleaned rifles, pistols and sharpened K-bars. I also PT'd a lot, (Physical Training) ran, went to the gym, etc. I got and stayed busy. Right now your still in the denial stage ~ the shock stage ~ the "I can't believe this is freaking happening to me stage" Well it is, and its for freaking real, ~ so the first thing you've got to do is to get that well seeded into your brain housing group. How long your in this stage is really up to you ~ the very second, the very minute you decide you've have enough of this pain, and you've made up your mind to move on ~ is the minute you set yourself free of all this agony, pain, heartache. You, not her are the ones that holds the keys that will set you free! Personally, I'm at the point to where I could give a rat's ass if I'm ever in another LTR, "in love", get married again, I could actually give a damn if I ever get laid again ~ but only because I know I can. At best its just a numbers game. When you ask the question, "Will I find love again" that tells me you've got a lot of work to do on your self esteem, self respect, and self confidence. You want true love, dedication, devotion, etc ~ get a freaking dog! That's not to say you can't find it with a woman, you can. But, its a hit and miss thing, with more misses than hits. Look! The first time I shot the M-16 was in bootcamp at Parris Island, M.C.R.D. I went "Unq" ~ Un-qualified. It was because I thought I knew how to shoot because I'd gotten luckey plucking off a buck or two, some rabbits ~ truth is? I didn't know spit about precision shooting. The range officer, a Marine Warrant Officer came up, snactched the weapon out of my hand, and in the off-hand (standing ~ hard to do) without a tight sling, put five in the bullseye from 500 yards. He butt stroked my cheek with the rifle filling the white of my eye with blood, and then choked me and said, "I've found the malufunction and the malfunction is YOU!" He then proceeded to teach me, (then after I was a VERY ATTENTIVE STUDENT) the finer points of Marine Marksmanship training! This is what has happened to you ~ you've just been kicked full face with two hooves by a mule. In short? You've just have had your azz handed to you, as she walked out the door. That's not to say that she's the Princesss in all of this ~ but we're not talking about her. Were talking about you. We're not talking about her malufunction ~ we're talking about yours! The truth of the matter is, that you're having gotten married like you did would be the equivalent of my enlisting you into the Marines, and shipping your happy azz straight from the recruiting station straight to Iraq. You're in SoCal on Monday and in Iraq on Tuesday! Same for me! Same for most of us! We all had less than 1/10th of the knowledge that we needed to make it work. Don't think for a moment that I'm going to indulge you in wallering in pity. Cry? Damn right! Cry me a river! Cry your ever loving eyes out, cry until you can't cry any damn more ~ I did! Still do, and its been seventeen years for me! The difference? Between you and I? I've grown, I've learnd, I've adapted, improvised, overcame! And you can too! And, I absolutely refuse to let this one, selfish, self-centered, person be the crowning achievement of my life. I refuse to let this one person define my life! I refuse! I'm a good person, and I gave 110% thus far to date, and don't plan on doing any less tomorrow. I'll go to my grave knowing I did and gave my best, the best that I had the time! Could I have been a better husband and father for the experience ~ damn straight ~ but I hadn't gone through what I went through at the time?! Life is about learing, changing, growning, adapting, improvising, etc. I'm not the same person I was when I said "I do", I'm not the same person that I was when I enlisted into the Marine Corps?! I'm not the same person I was when I got divorced. This isn't the end of your life Bro, its the beginning of your "new" life! You're older, wiser, smarter, more expreinced. Now get off your azz, go out there ~ put a smile on your face, and rub some sunshine on yourself!
quiet1one1 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 trouble is that first off before you can love someone else ~ you've got to learn to love yourself, and I realize that sound cliche, but its the truth. And before you can get into another relationship, you've got to learn how to be successful at being single ~ and really enjoy it. And not fear it ~ fully embrace it. Make it your own. and.... When you ask the question, "Will I find love again" that tells me you've got a lot of work to do on your self esteem, self respect, and self confidence. Gunny is 110% correct here. I felt the same way as you and sometimes I still do. You're attaching your need, what's missing in your life, in your SELF, to a woman. My guess is you wouldn't have let anyone else that crosses your life; a teacher, coach, priest, male friend, waiter, boss, whomever, treat you this way and you certainly wouldn't have turned over your self-respect to them either so; why do it for her? Don't give me vows either - God's vows don't ask for you to fall at a woman's feet. It's been written many different ways here and I tell myself similar words several times a day - what happened is not about you, it's about her. What happens now IS about you. I grieved beyond explanation when I finally accepted the truth (I'm losing 23+ years!) but with each and every day that goes by I feel better. I REALLY do and you will too. I know how looking at pictures in your house, passing places you went on dates, hearing songs that were a part of your together life, etc, etc, pains you. I wonder how long it'll be till I'm able to listen to my Ipod or hear any Springsteen songs again?! I know ~eveything~ reminds you of her. The sooner you accept the truth however, the sooner you can grieve and move on. The silver lining? I've found a level of love and respect for my Mom that I never knew was there. She's meant everything to me during this and has taught me so much by example, not words. I've also reconnected with old friends that I only allowed on the periphery of my married life. Look, the past is gone and you cannot change it. The good news is you are now completely in control of your future.
ilmw Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Damn... there is some good posts on this thread... I feel all fired up and inspired..!! Not bad considering I'm dead tired.. bloody impaired drivers... crashing on the highway... Nighty night... um... I guess in the real world... it's good morning.
Gunny376 Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Its only been recently since I've started listening to country music again ~ a seventeen year break. :eek:
Author onestepback Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 You have all been so helpful. I suppose what is shocking to me is the acceptance that I will never fully and completely get over this...It sounds as if many of you still feel the pain from here to there, are still reminded of the "X", and perhaps still feel a sense of failure many many years after the trauma of your divorce. I hoped this is something that can be buried, forgotten...to move forward and never look back. It's true, I am constantly reminded of her...and there is without a doubt an emptiness in my heart that most likely will never be filled. I ask about finding love again because I have always wanted children...and my STBXW tried so hard to have children..it was one of the major disappointments of our marriage, her inability to have children. Life is really short...there is so much divorce these days...yet many find the strength to put the past behind, remarry, and love again. I look forward to that day. In the meantime, this weekend will be a total house-cleaning session...boxing up every last memory of her in this condo. Then I will look to remodeling the place...she kicked me in the face but she won't ruin me. Thank you all for your strength. It will be a long time (if ever) that I will be in a LTR.
michael's_pain Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 You have all been so helpful. I suppose what is shocking to me is the acceptance that I will never fully and completely get over this...It sounds as if many of you still feel the pain from here to there, are still reminded of the "X", and perhaps still feel a sense of failure many many years after the trauma of your divorce. I hoped this is something that can be buried, forgotten...to move forward and never look back. It's true, I am constantly reminded of her...and there is without a doubt an emptiness in my heart that most likely will never be filled. I ask about finding love again because I have always wanted children...and my STBXW tried so hard to have children..it was one of the major disappointments of our marriage, her inability to have children. Life is really short...there is so much divorce these days...yet many find the strength to put the past behind, remarry, and love again. I look forward to that day. In the meantime, this weekend will be a total house-cleaning session...boxing up every last memory of her in this condo. Then I will look to remodeling the place...she kicked me in the face but she won't ruin me. Thank you all for your strength. It will be a long time (if ever) that I will be in a LTR. Onestep, I AM THERE!!! Four years of infertility treatments. Six months of adoption paperwork, emotions, and research. Two days after we finished the adoption paperwork and were getting ready for the homestudy, she flakes out. Doesn't want kids or to be married anymore. Three weeks later she has an affair. Now we're separating and headed for divorce...and this drama all began April 17! The bad news: you can't bury her, box her up, and put her on a shelf. For me, STBXW was my last 10 years. I'm 33, so most of my adult life was with her. I can't just bury that time in the ground and pretend it did not happen. The GOOD news: you may still be able to have a family (I know I can!) and someone out there won't kick you in the face, will be a Mom and a PARTNER! In the meantime: do you cleaning. Box things up. But embrace that part of your life. Don't hide it away so it bites you on the butt in a few years. If you did the best you could, say that to yourself and move on as slowly as you need to. Godspeed, my brother.
Author onestepback Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Onestep, The GOOD news: you may still be able to have a family (I know I can!) and someone out there won't kick you in the face, will be a Mom and a PARTNER! In the meantime: do you cleaning. Box things up. But embrace that part of your life. Don't hide it away so it bites you on the butt in a few years. If you did the best you could, say that to yourself and move on as slowly as you need to. Godspeed, my brother. Thank you Michael..I too am definitely able to father children..I had my sperm count done and it is quite high...and I am in good shape physically..If only I could get there mentally. Here it is on Friday night, and wonder what she is doing tonight...So many regrets..its hard to imagine what I could have done to make this right...to nurture her, the relationship..but she backed away..its been a slow process, but she was turning down any plans I was trying to make to bring some romance and fun back into the relationship...I feel empty and SO ALONE right now...One thing I always loved about being married was the idea that I would NEVER have to be out in that horrible "SINGLES" world again...We would watch that stupid TV show "Blind Date" and I was so grateful to have my wife. I was content, ready to grow old with her...and give her the kind of life I thought she deserved..I would have really given her anything...and this is the sh@@ I get in return?? I just don't understand it...if everything happens for a reason, why does this have to be so f-ing painful????
michael's_pain Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Onestep, I hear you. We're still cohabitating until the separation papers are done and she didn't get home until 1115 tonight. I briefly wondered, where is she and what's she thinking. And then I thought...STOP FOCUSING ON HER! And it's true. Focus on YOU, onestep. You're not ready to plunge into the dating, singles world again ... so don't force it. You were COMFORTABLE in your marriage, but you can be happier! I truly believe that for myself, and I was in a bad place less than one week ago. But today I realize that I control my destiny. Yes, I would have given my STBXW anything in the world...but what she wanted and needed I could not give...and upon further review, what I want and need she cannot give. One last thought -- my one consolation as our marriage crashes and burns was once my greatest loss -- that we cannot have children. Right now, this would be so much more painful for you, to split apart in front of your kids. Growth and healing is always painful. You've a broken bone that needs to be reset, casted and given time to heal. For now, cry the tears (don't let Gunny see you) and embrace the pain. Meet it head on, bear it, take it upon your broad shoulders and know that suffering brings great benefits once the pain subsides. Read my thread...there's one post by RecordProducer that you need to take as your own. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=119363&page=3 You WILL get through this.
Gunny376 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Look Guys! I'm not saying don't grieve! Cry you ever loving eyes out! I did! This **** hurts! The guy I am now isn't the pitfull soul I was seventeen years ago! I was a freaking basket-case! I was lost, dazed and confussed, running around in circles. There wasn't any freaking LS, Lady Jane, Marriagebuilders, internet, just me and a fifith of Jim Beam in a Elvis decanter and a Fred Flintsone jelly glass with George Jones on the stereo!
Trialbyfire Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Op, Damn, you are one lucky guy to not have kids. Imagine having kids and then having her dash like this. Did it ever occur to you that she might be leaving you, not because she can't have kids but because she's partially afraid to have them and be tied down? Sometimes people don't really know what they want. Just some thoughts from a woman.
quiet1one1 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 but she was turning down any plans I was trying to make to bring some romance and fun back into the relationship... If she had went along with the plans do you think it would've helped the M? More importantly, how would you have felt? Used, maybe? I've done all that. Always have for our 25 years or so together and I still do during these 5 months of "trying to save our M". There were weekend trips, flowers, small gifts, surprise cards to say I care, dance lessons even (!). I never needed a reason and never because I felt I needed to *buy* her love . It's who I am, It was ~just because~ I cared. She gratefully took everything I gave and always thanked me. In the end though, these were not the things she needed. There's a hole in her soul that only she can fill. My W says that she knows how special I am for the person I am and the things I do and she just can explain why it's not enough; it hurts her that she doesn't appreciate me the way she should ~ "I don't deserve...." she says. Anyway, she accepted all those things. We have many fun times (still do, strangely) to look back on but now I can't help feeling used, exposed and very confused. How can she go along with this stuff if she really was and unhappy and now wants a D??? There were/are no mixed signals in your case - you know. Hang tough.
Author onestepback Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 This has to be the worst day...I have been going through all of our mementos and memories from the wedding and our relationship...and boxing them up...finding things from 4 years ago to remind me...cards, journal writings...this is the most painful experience ever...really hard to handle. Must be a lot easier for her in her new apartment and new life while I sit here sifting through the memory of what was and what died. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
Gunny376 Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 It get easier, Soldier on! The sooner you "get er' done" the better!!! Then you can move on to the next step of recovering ~ and getting on to your new life on the otherside of this BS! Look! You did the best you could ~ right? You gave it the best you had at the time ~ right? It takes two to make it, and only one to break it! This is one of those "What are you going to do about it?" type situations. And what can you do but what your doing ~ right? We're here for you Bro! I'm about to bail out of here for work ~ but I'll check up on you when I get off!
ilmw Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Yeah... as always Gunny hits on the head... There will be a lot of crappy things you will have to face... I know.. and can still feel the residual... gut wrenching pain.. of packing up mementoes.. and other "shared" memories... I can remember being in a 'daze' I had no choice but to face this crap... and have a "stiff upper lip"... You face your fears... get to it... and get through it. Soon it will just be a painful memory... History.. that you must never repeat! ilmw
sumdude Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 This has to be the worst day...I have been going through all of our mementos and memories from the wedding and our relationship...and boxing them up...finding things from 4 years ago to remind me...cards, journal writings...this is the most painful experience ever...really hard to handle. Must be a lot easier for her in her new apartment and new life while I sit here sifting through the memory of what was and what died. Not much to add that hasn't been posted. I said the exact same things a couple months ago... It may seem like it's easier for her ... but like Gunny says usually Mr. Reality hits the leaver at some point .. sometimes even harder. But that is not important at all because that's her effin problem. You keep on going. Get some paint and change the colors around in the place when you have some time. Make it yours as soon as possible, redecorate if you can. Play YOUR music as loud as hell! Especially the stuff she didn't like.
Author onestepback Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 You are all so great. Your words really help me. And knowing you have been here and done that makes it all much easier for me, some how. I kept busy all weekend and completely avoided the STBXW. I will not call or contact her. I am having a consultant come over tomorrow to help me figure out how to design the place.. She is supposed to be good at clearing energy, so hopefully the "ghosts" of my X can be killed off for good... The next part is making this place my own, and killing the memories... late at night, early morning..the worst times, I find.
ilmw Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 late at night, early morning..the worst times, I find. Yeah it tends to hit when you are at your weakest.. Its like catching a cold.. It does get easier... in time. Jeeesh.. I was just outside.. looked up at the clear night sky... and was reminded of how DW and I used to enjoy doing this together... Damn I can't even do simple things like that.. BUT...it does get easier...
Gunny376 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 It does get easier ~ but you've got to work at it! You've got to take the focus off of "Her" and "us" and put the focus on "me"! Couple of things ~ I kid you not?! Take up the martial arts! Take up dance lessons! Take up East Asian philosophy! Examine East Asian Religions Read of the Samurai! Read of China Read of Japan
Author onestepback Posted May 21, 2007 Author Posted May 21, 2007 Thank you for planting that seed..I am looking into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu right now... it may get better in time, but its like learning to live without a limb...you get used to it, but it will always be missing..and you work around it, I suppose... no wonder they call it "heart broken", because I could literally FEEL it in my heart...do you all know what I mean? I am not going to wallow in self pity for ever...I am just mourning the loss and looking for answers... are there any inspiring books on relationships that have helped any of you through it????
bkz Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 First thing, onestep I am sorry for what your going through, been there. Im not sure about what people say when they talk about carying the pain or emptyness around forever. Its been a year since my W left and I was right were you are emotionally but......... as time goes by I view my W for what she really IS not what I thought she was and I feel like ive been given a second chance in life. Besides what my kids have had to go through its the best thing that couldve happened to me. I would have NEVER thought a year ago (or even 6 months ago) id be where I am now but time does heal and quicker than you think sometimes. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Onestep, I AM THERE!!! Four years of infertility treatments. Six months of adoption paperwork, emotions, and research. Two days after we finished the adoption paperwork and were getting ready for the homestudy, she flakes out. Doesn't want kids or to be married anymore. Three weeks later she has an affair. Now we're separating and headed for divorce...and this drama all began April 17! The bad news: you can't bury her, box her up, and put her on a shelf. For me, STBXW was my last 10 years. I'm 33, so most of my adult life was with her. I can't just bury that time in the ground and pretend it did not happen. The GOOD news: you may still be able to have a family (I know I can!) and someone out there won't kick you in the face, will be a Mom and a PARTNER! In the meantime: do you cleaning. Box things up. But embrace that part of your life. Don't hide it away so it bites you on the butt in a few years. If you did the best you could, say that to yourself and move on as slowly as you need to. Godspeed, my brother. Hey Michael, your story is way to familier for me to not say something to you. I was in the same place as you with addoption. I/we addopted 2 children, got through the home study and actually finalized the addoptions, went to court with both our families present and had a judge give us the children, best day of my life with the exception of my son being born. Then 3 weeks later she wants a divorce and I find out she'd been having an affiar durring the whole addoption process. She with the looser still and they live togeather. I guess just feel lucky the addoption didnt go through before the divorce did. Its been something I wouldnt wish on anyone having to deal with the guilt of taking these children out of a bad broken home situation and then put them through it again, I would have done anything to have stopped it if I only knew but I didnt. Unfortunately she did know, and she'll have to live with that for the rest of her life. Like you said, you can still have kids and it'll be with someone you know will be around to raise them with you. Everything happens for a reason and although we dont see it when it happens, usually the timeing couldnt be better in the long run.
Darth Vader Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Bkz, how's it going with the house situation and divorce? So she's still with the single kid? He'll get bored and move on, or she'll wake up and it's too late, if she ever does wake up.
Author onestepback Posted May 22, 2007 Author Posted May 22, 2007 Did the house clearing today...got rid of the last remains of her, its out in the garage waiting for her to pick up at some point..whenever that will be. I don't want to call or talk to her, that's for sure!!! I still find myself thinking about her a lot, wondering what she is doing with her life...does she even give a sh&@? I have also talked to someone to help me redecorate the condo..that will be better, it will become my own home...and I plan on having a "Starting Over" party once complete...
Gunny376 Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 Did the house clearing today...got rid of the last remains of her, its out in the garage waiting for her to pick up at some point..whenever that will be. I don't want to call or talk to her, that's for sure!!! I still find myself thinking about her a lot, wondering what she is doing with her life...does she even give a sh&@? I have also talked to someone to help me redecorate the condo..that will be better, it will become my own home...and I plan on having a "Starting Over" party once complete... It gets better ~ the very minute you make the decsion ~ ya dummy! When you say to yourself ~ "You know what?" ~ "I'm done with this! Just that plain ~ just that simple!
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