onestepback Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 She did it at our therapy session yesterday... Came in the room and said "I think we are at the end"..."I think we need to break up"... she told me we should divorce. I posted my story on here and got feedback, but I hoped this case would be different...I hoped that when she said she was moving out to gain "clarity" and that we can "start fresh, dating each other again".. and that she has "hope that she will come back"... that there was some truth to those words...Here is is 4 weeks after she moved out and now...she is done. I would have done anything to get her back...this is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I have without a doubt sunk into a deep depression. I feel so alone...and miss my STBXW. How to get through???????
sumdude Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Hi, I really feel for you. Been there .... somewhat similar scene. At first thought we would work things out, she gave me some hope of that. In fact she said " If you do A and B, I'll come back." Well i did those things .... she never came back. Within just a few weeks it was the bomb. Thing is that she probably wanted a divorce the whole time but needed to be moved out to finally say it so she wouldn't have to face you at home when it went down. You're going to get through this. Seems like it's impossible right this second but without a doubt you will. First .... go totally no contact for a month if at all possible. Otherwise limit contact to bare essentials. Legal stuff can wait a month or more unless kids are involved. You're going to need this time and space to heal yourself and get your head back on. Your mind is going to start racing like crazy trying to figure out what went wrong and what you could still do to fix it. Let it go. It's hard, you'll slip back but keep fighting to control your thoughts. Keep this mantra "It doesn't matter anymore what she's doing, all that matters is what I'm doing!" It's like going cold turkey from drugs or alcohol. You get the shakes, you can't sleep.. all totally normal for your situation. Work on yourself and the things you need right now. Become selfish as hell. Get a lot of exercise, eat well, make yourself sleep. Start IC if you haven't already. Find one or two freinds you can totally trust to vent. Warn them that you'll be saying crazy stuff and going on and on about it. If you have that incredible desire to call or e-mail her .... sit down with pen and paper and write a letter.... by the time you're done with it you know you won't send it. STAY AWAY FROM PHONES and E-MAIL! Start mourning the loss. You will feel grief, rage, guilt, disbelief round and round but that's totally normal. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT! Look at all the folks here who are way past the bend and happier now without thier exes a little way down the line. Take control of your life.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 You'll make it through just keep working on yourself. With alot of time and patience you'll either get back together or have a stronger marriage. Or you'll find someone else and be fed up with the bull****. In time you'll heal. The thing is that you got to stop being so co-dependant on her, to make your yourself happy. Get some hobbies, go hit the gym and start working out. Detach slowly, show her your moving on but that she's still welcome to enjoy herself being part of your life. You didnt mention anything about OM/OW? is there someone in the situation that is causing the split. Sometimes a thrid party messes up a person's mind.
sumdude Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Somewhere inside your mind is that old single guy program you used to run. It may take some time to access and boot up but you'll find it. One foot in front of the other, give yourself a lot of breaks.
Author onestepback Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 Thank you both for your feedback...it is so helpful. I think a support group would be a good idea. Although I have no proof of another man or woman, it is most definitely a posibility..She covered her tracks well, but there were signs i.e. shaving the hair on her arms (she has somewhat hairy arms but I told her she can grow it, i didn't mind), spending more time at work, telling me at the end she has no sex drive and didn't want me, yet I know she was using a vibrator (I saw it move from spot to spot under the bed)...I am working out in the gym, weight lifting, playing racquetball with a friend...eating healthy as anything, and TRYING to sleep (although its pretty hard). The thing is, I can't see being with another woman again... when I took the vow, it was to her...the love of my life (which is now obviously dead)...I still love her...I dont' want anyone else...when does it get easier???
ilmw Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Thank you both for your feedback...it is so helpful. I think a support group would be a good idea. Although I have no proof of another man or woman, it is most definitely a posibility..She covered her tracks well, but there were signs i.e. shaving the hair on her arms (she has somewhat hairy arms but I told her she can grow it, i didn't mind), spending more time at work, telling me at the end she has no sex drive and didn't want me, yet I know she was using a vibrator (I saw it move from spot to spot under the bed)...I am working out in the gym, weight lifting, playing racquetball with a friend...eating healthy as anything, and TRYING to sleep (although its pretty hard). The thing is, I can't see being with another woman again... when I took the vow, it was to her...the love of my life (which is now obviously dead)...I still love her...I dont' want anyone else...when does it get easier??? This does get easer overtime... trust me on that. You may love her to the day you die... but you have to try and move on. It is time to solely work on YOU! Hey this has been going on for me for over a year... so I kinda know what you might be going through... Its ups and downs.... I pretty much could have written what you did about a year ago... and it is the way I felt... but... times change. I still love my wife, but I know what has happened is out of my control... when you get that truly into your head... you can start to let go... and that is what you have to do... or you will go crazy. It does not sound like you have kids... thank your lucky stars you don't...or your heart would be broken again, for how many kids you had... Lastly... you have to stay strong. I'd write more...but had a very long day...tired...goodnight.
Author onestepback Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 This does get easer overtime... trust me on that. You may love her to the day you die... but you have to try and move on. It is time to solely work on YOU! Hey this has been going on for me for over a year... so I kinda know what you might be going through... Its ups and downs.... I pretty much could have written what you did about a year ago... and it is the way I felt... but... times change. I still love my wife, but I know what has happened is out of my control... when you get that truly into your head... you can start to let go... and that is what you have to do... or you will go crazy. It does not sound like you have kids... thank your lucky stars you don't...or your heart would be broken again, for how many kids you had... Lastly... you have to stay strong. I'd write more...but had a very long day...tired...goodnight. Thank you for your comment...you are right in that we don't have kids although just about 6 months ago, we were actively trying.. ovulation kit...everything. I asked her if she would have been leaving me had we had a baby..She said no, but...who knows? I think one of the worst things is..she said her passion for me died... I work out, never let myself go or anything...So it hurts to know that passon dies...my question to all of you amazing wise friends is... how do you learn to trust again? Especially after you gave your wife your heart and soul...and trusted that she would love you until death do us part??? How do we love and trust again? I am sorry if I sound pathetic.. but this hurts so much.
notspiritual Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 how do you learn to trust again? Especially after you gave your wife your heart and soul...and trusted that she would love you until death do us part??? How do we love and trust again?I was asking myself the same question! And found some answers in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=115391&page=3 post 31 by squeak. "A relationship won't work unless you learn to step back and ask yourself if you are getting as much as you are giving the next time....if not...give less. Never let your partner think you will give unconditionally."
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Thank you for your comment...you are right in that we don't have kids although just about 6 months ago, we were actively trying.. ovulation kit...everything. I asked her if she would have been leaving me had we had a baby..She said no, but...who knows? I think one of the worst things is..she said her passion for me died... I work out, never let myself go or anything...So it hurts to know that passon dies...my question to all of you amazing wise friends is... how do you learn to trust again? Especially after you gave your wife your heart and soul...and trusted that she would love you until death do us part??? How do we love and trust again? I am sorry if I sound pathetic.. but this hurts so much. Now you know the truth about her. She's too selfish to build a family and only wants the good life. she doesnt have what it takes to be in a real marriage, she's the one who walked away, no trying, no mc, no ic Just too scared to make any real changes. I see the ache inside your words it hurts like hell I know but you move on. you do what needs to be done. It will get better. Find some other things to occupy your time. Now you can find the right woman to have a baby with, someone that's gonna ride with you til the very end. Trust me there will come a day when she'll reach out to you in one form or another. She'll think back and see how messed up she was. The best thing right now is to work on you. Your life s not with her anymore. You need to accept that.
quiet1one1 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Really sorry to hear it 1step. I really am. I know there isn't a lot that I can say that will help but that won't stop me from trying . I'm kind of where you are except instead of 4 weeks, I'm on 4+ months. We've been "working at it" but I know in my brain she's wants a D. No solid decisions have been made though so we just keep plodding along and all the time I feel like a yo-yo wondering where I stand. All the time (over)analyzing every action, word, facial expression, etc. "Oh, she kissed me - what does that mean? It must be positive!" ...or.... "she didn't say I love you back - what does that mean? It cannot be good." One day my blood pressure is high and I feel anxious, the next it's normal and I feel ok. The sound of the garage door opening causes my stomach to flip-flop. I've lost 32 pounds in 4 months (that's good and bad if you know what I mean )" and my It's H*LL on earth not knowing. ... but... NOW YOU KNOW. It is a GIFT knowing, it REALLY is ~trust me~. Take this gift life has given you and run!!! Start your grieving NOW and know that any and all emotions are completely normal. They are also necessary. My therapist told me something interesting...she said, "every guy who says it didn't affect them is lying - each one of them was in my office when they went through it." Post back - we're here for you. Why doesn't some enterprising man open a retreat in San Diego, or Myrtle Beach, or wherever ,where we can all go to bond and scrape through this time together? He'd make a mint.
quiet1one1 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Although I have no proof of another man or woman, it is most definitely a posibility..She covered her tracks well, but there were signs i.e. shaving the hair on her arms (she has somewhat hairy arms but I told her she can grow it, i didn't mind), spending more time at work, telling me at the end she has no sex drive and didn't want me, yet I know she was using a vibrator (I saw it move from spot to spot under the bed)...I am working out in the gym, weight lifting, playing racquetball with a friend...eating healthy as anything, and TRYING to sleep (although its pretty hard). The thing is, I can't see being with another woman again... when I took the vow, it was to her...the love of my life (which is now obviously dead)...I still love her...I dont' want anyone else...when does it get easier??? STOP IT with this crap. You're torturing yourself and there's no need to be. What she's doing is NOT ABOUT YOU!!! Also, don't think about finding another. You do not NEED to replace her. That WILL happen when it's time. Keep going to the gym - that's good - that's for YOU. Besides, your feelings have nothing to do with a vow. It's nothing but male doubt. You're "comfortable" with her. Yes, there's love too but I'd bet it's more about feeling secure. You will get on the horse again. Oh, you'll be jittery and you may even fall off a few times but you'll be OK.
Ladyjane14 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Here's an interesting thread from the Coping section. Great post by No Foolin. And if you search his user name, you'll find more pointers on NC (No Contact). It's early days for you yet, but NC can be a great tool for putting some distance between you and the daily chaos of a bad break-up. Sometimes it helps to step back a little from a situation and take the opportunity to observe it from a different vantage point. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119585/
Missy27 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 LJ's right OSB and you have to give her the chance to miss you, and to do that NC is probably the best way forward at the moment. She needs to realise EXACTLY what she is throwing away and gain an insight into life without you. There are no false hopes or guarantees with separation and there is always the chance that she may not come back, but sometimes when people are forced into isolation from their partners, they begin to sit up and notice that life without them is not so peachey afterall. Your W obviously has some issues with depression and this will be clouding her judgment to an extent. She probably relates her depression directly to you and not herself so she thinks that you are at the route cause of it when actually it's within herself. This in itself is significantly destructive to a marriage and IMHO you are probably better off distancing yourself from her at the moment anyway. Give YOURSELF a break from it all.
Author onestepback Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 Your W obviously has some issues with depression and this will be clouding her judgment to an extent. She probably relates her depression directly to you and not herself so she thinks that you are at the route cause of it when actually it's within herself. This in itself is significantly destructive to a marriage and IMHO you are probably better off distancing yourself from her at the moment anyway. Give YOURSELF a break from it all. Thank you all..the warmth and advice really does help. It somehow feels better to know that you are not alone. There really is no contact at this point. When my STBXW moved out, she assured me that we will be starting all over, that this would be the only way to save our marriage..and to date each other again (it didn't make sense to me...how do you save a marriage by walking out???)...but I agreed...to anything she said, because I wanted to save this...but I couldn't make her love me again. Once she had all her stuff and was out, things changed...she slept over 3-4 times a week for the first couple of weeks (from what I have learned, to help ME with the transition)...then she decided she needed to stop coming over and had to establish herself in her new apartment. That was the beginning of the end. She stopped wanting to hang out at all. One time a week at best, one phone call a week, and our meeting in therapy was all she had left for me. ...and then she layed the blow this past Tuesday. It was planned out, she told the therapist in her IC on Monday that she was done. There is no chance of anything at this point...I hold no hope for a change of heart. I can't help analyzing our relationship and wondering where we went wrong. I hate to wallow in my misery, but I can't help it now.
ilmw Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Thank you all..the warmth and advice really does help. It somehow feels better to know that you are not alone. There really is no contact at this point. When my STBXW moved out, she assured me that we will be starting all over, that this would be the only way to save our marriage..and to date each other again (it didn't make sense to me...how do you save a marriage by walking out???)...but I agreed...to anything she said, because I wanted to save this...but I couldn't make her love me again. Once she had all her stuff and was out, things changed...she slept over 3-4 times a week for the first couple of weeks (from what I have learned, to help ME with the transition)...then she decided she needed to stop coming over and had to establish herself in her new apartment. That was the beginning of the end. She stopped wanting to hang out at all. One time a week at best, one phone call a week, and our meeting in therapy was all she had left for me. ...and then she layed the blow this past Tuesday. It was planned out, she told the therapist in her IC on Monday that she was done. There is no chance of anything at this point...I hold no hope for a change of heart. I can't help analyzing our relationship and wondering where we went wrong. I hate to wallow in my misery, but I can't help it now. Hey been there...done that.. What helped me was reading lots of different books on self help.. and relationships... from doing this.. I was able to see where (WE) both went wrong.. with our marriage. Things like communication style.. love language.. Emotional Needs.. things/terms.. I had never heard of before... With that came insight... and I had learned.. that I was not (trained to be in a successful relationship) Today... although I still grieve over the loss of my marriage and family... I can get my head around it... Not good with it yet... but I understand why... That in itself is a step forward to recovery... and you always want to be moving forward. Back slips will happen.... but a concerted effort on your behalf.. must always be maintained. Its hard.. all damn day hard... but you have to step up to the plate... face the realities of what your life has become... and just face it... Now once you get to that place... of "normalcy" you also gain some clarity... confusion subsides... but does not necessarily go away... Damn.. I still wake up some times .. shake my head .. and think... "what the Fu*k!":confused: Time is the healer.. (or num'er) but it will happen. A lot of your outlook... "vows", "death do us part".. was how I felt... and still do... I guess. BUT you did not do this... that was taken away from you... you have to get that into your head. IT's YOU TIME... ilmw
Author onestepback Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 I was able to schedule a phone session with our marraige counselor for today because I am just not doing well. I wake up in the morning (which seems to be the worst time) and the reality just stares me down...the empty spot in the bed next to me...the realization that this was NOT a bad dream...and then the memories in the condo...her energy is still in here...it just stares at me in the face and seems to laugh at me. I spend the morning in tears...somehow got it together to go to work...but then luckily had a light day (I treat disabled children)...now I come home to these boards...looking for answers, bonding with those who have been there and done that...The worst is the advice those around me give me like: "You'll find someone even better" "You were too good for her, she didn't appreciate you"..and all those other tidbits to try to ease the pain. The reality is I would have done anything to save my marraige..I read everybook on how to save the marraige, and NOTHING worked. I suppose once the mind is made up, it is a done deal. The other horrilbe thing was hanging on to her every word, using it as false hope...things like "You can help me carry my things in when I move back" "I have hope that I will back"...but in reality, never words like "I love you and I'm sorry I have to do this"...there are so many unanswered questions and when a heart changes like this, it just baffles the mind...I don't know what to do with it...the pain is so real. ...I am just plain miserable.
Author onestepback Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 Highlights from her vows, written by HER just three years ago!!! "I know now that there is no one else in this world that can make me as happy as you do and fill my heart and days with so much joy and love. I give to you and for the rest of our lives my trust, love, and respect. I will nurture you, believe in you, and always support you. You are my best friend and confidant. May you always find the same in me. I will always share my dreams with you as we grow as individuals together. I vow to you, Steven, to cherish and honor our love, our commitment, and our fidelity. Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. In times of joy and sorrow, through the laughter and the tears, for all eternity, I will always love you" :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
quiet1one1 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Highlights from her vows, written by HER just three years ago!!! "I know now that there is no one else in this world that can make me as happy as you do and fill my heart and days with so much joy and love. I give to you and for the rest of our lives my trust, love, and respect. I will nurture you, believe in you, and always support you. You are my best friend and confidant. May you always find the same in me. I will always share my dreams with you as we grow as individuals together. I vow to you, Steven, to cherish and honor our love, our commitment, and our fidelity. Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. In times of joy and sorrow, through the laughter and the tears, for all eternity, I will always love you" Every one of us out here have heard similar words but in the end, that's all they are...words.
Gunny376 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Is this really the kind of person that you want to spend the next thrity, forty, fifty years of your life with? Yea! Sign me up for a lifetime of that! I'm all about that! You're going through withdrawal. Mental, emotional, pyschological withdrawal. If you go complete NC, for a month, you should start leveling off. Speak to the boss, is there an assignment that you can take to get you out of town for that long or longer?
sumdude Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 I realize it doesn't seem to help much right now.... 'cause I've been there. You're going to feel all those emotions like you've never felt them before... it's hard as hell and totally natural. Let yourself greive, sob, rage (without hurting yourself or anyone) for a while. Over time the tears will wash out the pain... anger is just pain turned around. Seriously go NC because every time you talk to her it will set you back a little. Keep moving as much as you can, stay busy. You'll have trouble concentrating but power on through. You'll need some breaks too at times. The person you most expected to always be by your side and on your side just blew up a big part of your life.... You will pick up the pieces and rebuild yourself... in the image of who you WANT to be from now on. One piece at a time. It's been 4 months for me since she left without warning, like a thief who stole my heart and soul ... I do now see what everyone here has tried to tell me the whole time. She wasn't the right one for me and it's better I found out now than later .... Please put on your safety belt and lower the restraining bar .... this roller coaster ride is just starting. But it does end ....
Gunny376 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Here's a link with some really good articles about divorce and recovering from divorce ~ read them ~ learn, learn! Also since you up in the NE, I know they've got a divorce support group ~ join. And attend meetings as though you were an alcholic attending AA. Here's the link: http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/ and http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html You need to read this one first off! http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/soa3.htm BTW, its like Lady Jane said ~ "It the end of your marriage, not the end of your life."
Author onestepback Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 Thank you all for your posts..the tears come down as I read them...I know you have all been here before and its nice to know there is some light at the end of the tunnel. It is nowhere in sight for me now...Gunny, that article is great...it really made me feel better, thank you for posting...I live in Southern California though, and will have to find a support group out here...Did anyone ever go to those support group meetings? Does it help? Does misery love company, or is it just depressing? These boards are so helpful...I hoped that I wouldn't have needed to come back...that I would be the one to make it through and draw my "soul mate" back to me...but here I am, another statistic of the "50% of marriages fail".
Gunny376 Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Yea! I attended a couple, and its not one big pity party. About like LS, except up front and personal. I went for about three months, and then said "Screw this!" and got on with my life and got busy living. Southern California? Hot damn Man, I couldn't get divorced quick enough! I've been divorced for seventeen years, married twelve, shacked up with another one for six and half ~ been solo for the last nine, dated, doing my own thing, coming and going as I want etc. But no LTR. Too many women ~ too little time. Its just learning the proper skill set ~ this isn't HS or college my man! You know how to bathe, smile, laugh, make a woman laugh, have a job, a ride ~ you can get yourself a woman. Hell! I know guys that don't even have all that and still get women. Read ilmw's and Somedude's thread and see how far they've come ~ that too can be you in six months to a year!
Delarocha Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 onestepback, I just wanted to say hello and tell you my heart goes out to you. A lot of us, including myself, have been or are exactly where you are now. I don't think there is one of us that would wish the pain you are feeling on our worst enemy. The good news is, that old cliche of time healing has at least a grain of truth to it. I think the catch is something Gunny said once (can't remember exactly which post). I am paraphrasing here so forgive me, but how quickly you heal and focus on yourself again is entirely up to you. Start hanging out with friends and family as much as possible, work out, cook for yourself, get a new hobby, start reading books, etc. Don't dwell on the life that could have been, that life doesn't exist. I firmly believe that I would have been much better off accepting that my marriage was over RIGHT AWAY, rather than hanging on to every last sliver of hope I could. Certainly you both played your own roles in a marriage that just didn't work out, but don't agonize or beat yourself up over it. The past is done and the vows your wife wrote were written by an entirely different person. The person you love does not exist anymore. I would seriously recommend clearing out your living space of anything that reminds you of her. Rearrange the furniture, repaint, box up photos, create some new space that has your OWN energy. I am almost six months into my own journey and I can honestly tell you I feel 1000% better. Do I still get sad? Absolutely! But bro believe me that you WILL feel better in time. I used to wake up, and just want to cry all day. I occasionally do break down and feel incredibly sad. The difference between NOW and six months ago is I rebound from that feeling within minutes!.. You will too. Just know that you are not alone. The advice and kindness I have received from those here has been nothing short of amazing.
Woggle Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 I would be glad that she is out of your life and you don't have to deal with her anymore. Start emotionally withdrawling from her right now. She has revealed her true colors and those colors are nothing like the woman you thought she was so start seeing her as she really is instead of the fake that you married.
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