Another one bites the dust b/c i can't stop seeing the ex

[The write one]

Wow, it feels like it's been years since i visited this place. But alas, i back again with some new adventures in aloof and bewilderment land.

 

As of Tuesday, May 16 another woman has decided to leave me because i still deal with the ex who broke my heart last August. Three months ago i moved to a new city, escaping the one i moved to marry my ex. We were together for 8 years and were set to be married in October.

 

So new job, new life, new prospects... in this Big Apple (hint hint) When i first moved her I got reaquainted with an old girlfriend/jump off from college. Five years ago i played this woman for the ex. But the past was the past and we hit it off. Even though we were dating, she was rightfully very cautious becasue of our past. So she would always ask me if i was done with the ex. I told her yes becasue i was.

 

But after my ex broke her two-month long silence and called, we began slowly chatting again. I told her i was talking to somebody, but the ex didn't back off. In fact, she threatened suicide several times if i stopped talking to her. I fell for that for a while and then i flipped on her, telling her she broke my heart after i gave her my all.

 

The ex dissapeared again and i continued to build with the old flame. It was great with the new lady in my life. Then on Easter, the ex contacted me. I was civilized toward her and the conversation was relaxed. It then turned into my ex propositioning me for sex.

 

I know i'm an idiot, but i couldn't resist and i invited her up to my new place in my new city for a weekend romp. We slept together the whole time and she was extrmely flirtatious and acted like she was soooo into me, which was something i couldn't even imagine the last year of our relationship. I played it cool though and didn't act like "Yippy, we are back together." No expectations, you know.

 

After that weekend i found myself lying to the new woman about my whereabouts. I also found myself judging her and looking for flaws. She had some, but i didn't care as much before. Meanwhile, the ex is emailing and calling telling me she had a good time and wants to do it again.

 

So i'm thinking i'm having my cake and eating it too. Until the new woman, the clever little woman that she is, started getting suspicious. So she broke into my email and read everything about my weekend romp with the very woman she was paranoid about.

 

You see, in 2003, the new woman helped me create my email account and remembered my password . The chick had been checking my account for years without me knowing. So she called me out. "Have you heard from your ex, seen her, slept with her? Would you ever lie to me etc, etc?" I lied with a straight face to all of her questions.

 

She emailed me the next day and told me it's over and to change my password becasue she can't help herself from breaking into my account anymore. I was devistated and upset about being violated like that so i ignored her for a few days. But after i calmed down, we met. We actually met yesterday to officially end it face to face.

 

I was hurt to hurt someone like that and ashamed of myself for being so stupid. I just wanted to be left alone, but the ex called last night to "talk" and invite me to her house next week for another shag. But i needed answers about who and what i was dealing with. Everytime we talked since the break up we avioded coversation about "others," The elephant in the room so to speak. But i needed to know if i was again sacraficing everything for nothing.

 

So i asked the tough questions. "Been dating? Seeing anybody? Had any sex?" None of the questions were directly answered, but she did go into detail just enough to let me know. She then shut down and said i don't feel comfortable talking to you about this right now or i feel your going to hold this stuff agianst me.

 

Dam right i am. Here i am hurting people for her, never letting go, holding onto false hope seeing her as Ms. Perfect who left the relationship becasue i was crazy.

 

Here i am thinking ohhh, this angel, who made me wait almost a year before we slept together, wouldn't be giving herself away like that. This perfect creature, who was a vigin before me, wouldn't sleep around.

 

But you know what she is and she did. She's human and now I see it. I needed to see that so i can really and truly move on. Because this is the second potential relationship i lost becasue i let the ex slither her way back in. So i asked her, "what do you want from me? Why are you hanging around, saying you like and love me, flirting with me, sleeping with me, sending me dirty text messages? And you know what she tells me "I want to get to know as an adult" (read previous post for background)

 

Huh? What? WTF????????

 

So today I'm stuck with the image of her getting her rocks off, and me forever being alone and a sucker for a woman who doesn't even want me.

 

I'm sorry this is so long but i had to get it off my chest. Feel free to chime in...

[underpants]

I really feel bad for the ex you cheated on. She opened her heart to you twice and you hurt her, the same way both times.

 

I don't think you really care too much for either woman, maybe a little more for yourself. You should really take a long time alone and try to break your pattern of betrayl and hurt, wanting what is toxic for you or just wanting what is more difficult to have.

 

Ironic that your 8 yr ex is toxic to you, and now it seems as though you are the toxic person to your most recent ex. That is sad, and was probably avoidable. Maybe with some time and distance you can learn not to play one against the other or cheat, that is just bad form, and as you can see that behavior just breeds pain later.

 

Good luck dude. Seems like you sabotaged a good relationship in favor for a bad one, and lost on both counts.

 

I hope you find some integrity to do the right thing when future challenges present themselves to you.

 

Regards,

Unders

[loveinlife]

I agree with under and have also done something like you have. Be careful of your actions and how it affects others. but most definitely find youself and make peace. We all make mistakes...the lesson here is valuable. Live and learn. You will alright buddy. There is always a meaning.

[The write one]

Unddies and LiL, you two are so right. I feel terrible for hurting this woman, twice now. And there's no reason to hurt her. I told her when i first moved here that i wasn't over my ex and i really just wanted to be friends, but things moved so fast between us.

 

I actually found myself being forced into a relationship. And i followed becasue i still have bruises to my ego and i still want to enjoy the warmth of another person and i still want to be wanted by somebody. So i followed with my tail between my legs.

 

Unknowingly, i think the new woman knew I was weak and took advantage of it in some ways. But i really wanted to make up for what i did five years ago, but you know what that is actually what the relationship turned into. Me having no boundaries or manhood, while she ruled the day. That releationship was actually toxic to us both. Too much too soon. We were both almost a year out of serious relationships.

 

In addition, my therapist told me i need to start doing what makes me feel good, becasue for 8 years i did what i thought would make my ex happy. I sacrificed and loved that woman more than i did myself. Perhaps that was the problem. In the end, i got dumped because she needs to find herself. We weren't married, so i can't say we were bound by contract, law and god, so i accepted that. But it did havoc to my mind sending me down slopes i didn't even know existed.

 

Is the ex toxic, everyone tells me she is and i convinced myself that she was. That's why i faded to black, left her city, her state, her life. I was moving on releasing all hope of a reconcilation. But when i finally got to a peaceful place in my life, that's when the ex showed back up. My friend said exes have a sixth since about that stuff. That's funny, i never had no feeling of her lovin it up with someone else. In fact i made up this thing in my head that she would join a convent because i really thought she was just that good of a person.

 

As i said, there are no excuses for what i've done to the new woman. She's a sweetheart and we agreed to be friends like we were in our early college days. I used to tell her stories of how my now-ex was getting on my nerves and she would tell me stories of all the losers she was dating. One night a called her to tell her i broke up with my ex and was wondering if we could get together. The woman broke down and confessed her love for me and said she was waiting for the day i broke up with my girlfriend.

 

Truth is, i never broke up with my ex. I was just pissed at her from some crap she pulled on me. I played both girls and none were the wiser. Eventually, i decided i couldn't cheat on my ex any longer. So i dissapeared from my college "other woman." In 2003, i reconnected with her and told her me and the ex got back together and that is why i left. She asked if i was single, i never answered the question and she began to develop feelings for me again.

 

I wasn't single, i was still with my now-ex, but i lied to her by ommission. When she started to gain feelings agian, i dissapeared. So i actually did this woman dirty three times. I guess i deserve all thats coming to me.

[silentcharon]

God, your situation mirrored my own a while ago. It was horrible- that's why you NEVER sleep with an ex. All it does is cause you grief and heartache.

 

I really don't like people who do what you are doing. It put me through hell until I finally broke loose of both the ex and the other person. People have been telling my ex to leave town, as he has screwed up so many things- friendships ruined because of what he did, etc, etc, and he's finally packing up. I'm really looking forward to it, so that he can take the time and space to himself to think about what he has done, the hell he put me and the other person through. As well as I'd have the peace of mind that I'm not going to run into him anymore (we share a lot of mutual friends, and we dated for 7 years.).

 

Perhaps you're the one who should leave as well.

[The write one]

Well Kittie, i already left two cities and states because of my ex. I'm not running anymore. I thought long and hard about the comments i've recieved aboutthis situation and you know what????

 

I warned the woman in Philly not to mess with me and i warned the woman in NYC not to mess with me. I told them all that i am not over my ex and all i can give them is trouble.

 

Both of these women said they are adults and can handle it. So i said fine, but i don't want a relationship. They said they didn't want one either. The next thing i know i had a flag stuck into my back. So truthfully i don't feel that bad becasue i was open and honest from the begining and these women thought they could change me.

 

As for my ex, I am a sucker because i allow her to play me and get what she wants out of me after almost a year of being apart. I'm afraid I'll never be able to give my heart to another woman, leaving me alone and miserable.

 

So I'm not going anywhere.

[LoveisPAIN07]

As for my ex, I am a sucker because i allow her to play me and get what she wants out of me after almost a year of being apart. I'm afraid I'll never be able to give my heart to another woman, leaving me alone and miserable.

 

I feel this way about my ex from a year ago. It's a horrible feeling. He made me feel like no one could ever love me and that I wasn't good enough. I'm still getting over these feelings. Since a year ago, I've tried to cut him out of my life in every way possible and haven't had contact but it's still hard. He thinks he can come out of nowhere and I'll just accept whatever happened in the past and he can get his safety net. I don't think so. That might have been the case months ago, but it's not any longer.

 

Best of luck to you. I know this sucks.

[Miss_Bee]

God, your situation mirrored my own a while ago.

 

Yes me too. except for many minor and major details. The pain brought on by your bf's ex that just doesn't go away will forever be in your heart.

 

Write one: I feel badly for this woman who at one time believed in you enough to stand by you time and time again... only to be hurt. If you can't leave your ex alone, you really shouldn't try to have relationships with other women. It will only cause them heartache and scars....

[The write one]

I don't ask for relationships from these women. They just start going down that road on their own. Just think back to these dudes who hurt you all becasue of their ex. Were they honest and upfront about not being ready, but you all pushed them into it anyway. Did you all take no for an answer.

 

I take responsiblity for causing pain, but if i say hey i'm a pitbull and i bite so please stay away, but you still decide to pet me becasue "you're an adult," then who is really at fault here.

 

So Ms. B, let me ask you. Am i supposed to lock myself away in a closet, like i have the plague, until i get over my ex? I told both women that i am not ready, but they continued to purse. I guess next time, i will tell them no over and over again. Then i will ignore their calls, emails, texts until they eventually get the message.

 

After that i will go from a liar or playa to an a-hole. Ohhh, I can't wait!!

[The write one]

Hold on, i got one more thing to add.

 

I have gained alot of female friends recently. After my break up, i reached out to a lot of females fro their opinions on my situation. I was on a quest to find out what women think, becasue i couldn't understand why i was dumped.

 

Some knew to stay in the friend zone and some didn't. I approached both of these women, even the one i hurt twice over as friends and they grew attached.

 

I guess they were capt. save a hoes or something. Becasue they were attracted to a man in a week state who was single and begging for a shoulder to cry on. Thats taking advatage of the situation if you ask me.

 

As for this woman i hurt over and over again, THIS woman stalked me through my personal email for years. She knew when i got enganged, when i got dumped and when i had to go to therapy becasue of it.

 

I visited NYC for the holidays and out of the blue she emails me to say she was thinking about me. This is after almost 3 to 4 years of extremely light contact. My dumb a** responds, Wow you have great timing becasue i'm in you city right now.

 

Come to find out she knew a month before i would be going to see my family in NYC...You know why she knew, becasue she was reading all of my emails. If anything, i was taken advantage of by someone obsessed.

 

I'm not a chauvinist or massagonist and i feel that is the picture being painted here. I'm a damn wounded animal who is being honest about my issues, faults and problems. That's all.