Guest Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 What exactly is the best way to handle this? At first, my concern was about how the fallout was affecting my productivity. I felt I should mention to somebody I am going through a tough time. Friends advised me not to. Now my concern is I'm not getting any support from my STBXH, and I can't afford to maintain our home by myself, as well as car payments, utilities, and child care for two children. Truly even selling and getting a cheaper place to live will be extremely tough in my area. Market slowed down but prices for even rent is out of this world. Another home is out of the question. I cannot afford either right now and I don't have great credit and savings are now depleted. I'm looking for a better-paying job. So should I get one, would it be wise to mention the divorce as a reason for leaving and needing a better-paying job? More money is the only reason I would be leaving, the opportunity for it is not here. I would like to keep ties open and perhaps stay on as a contractor part-time as I need all the money I can get. I have a very small department (three including me), we are close and cordial enough, but I am not strong enough to have that conversation yet, especially considering how many conversations I've had with one coworker about our long marriages (15 years) our kids, etc. And this year, valentine's day and mother's day were just so awkward. I've not worn my ring in about months, and no one's said a word about it but they all keep talking to me like nothing's changed. What should I do? Dara
KeysGirl07 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Dara - keep it cool and don't tell your coworkers or boss right now. Once you do they're all going to treat you differently. I have learned the hard way to NEVER tell people at work anything personal at all - someone always uses it against you. Can you keep it inside until after your divorce is finalized? If you need time off for court just use sick days or say you've got jury duty. Wait until after all is said and done and tell everyone you work with "I am no longer married" then briefly explain you got divorced and it was just an irreconcilable situation but you've handled it and are fine. People will respect the fact you remained professional. I worked with a guy going thru a really bad divorce and he came in every day expecting sympathy and wanted to tell anyone who listened how miserable he was and how his ex was such a "B", etc. I felt sorry for him but at the same time he was burdening all of us with his tales of woe and we started avoiding him. Remember it's a sad fact but coworkers love to kick someone when they're down. Be careful what you tell people. Keep as much to yourself as possible. Good luck!
Trimmer Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 What would your motivation be for telling your co-workers? From a strictly professional standpoint, there's no reason to advise them, other than changing your information with personnel once your marital status actually changes. You should strive not to let your productivity suffer, and you shoudln't use your marital issues as an excuse for that anyway. From their point of view, they are paying you to do the job. On the other hand, I don't necessarily agree that the following is true in all cases: Remember it's a sad fact but coworkers love to kick someone when they're down. I think this is a generalization which is not true for everyone. I worked in a place where we had good relationships, and it was not like this at all. As a matter of fact, I remember offering moral support in a couple of cases where fellow employees (who were friends) confided that they were going through splits. So while I'm advising that you shouldn't feel obliged to share it for any professional reason, at the same time, I wouldn't say "no, definitely don't," if you have friends at work who you would like to let know. It depends on your work environment and the relationships you have with the individuals there. I guess overall, I would consider it an issue of when you decide to tell your friends, as individuals, and not one of having to "tell the company" - that's a private, administrative issue for the personnel department. People will respect the fact you remained professional. I agree with this, and with not letting it interfere with your work or your professional relationships... Keep as much to yourself as possible. I assume this was meant strictly in the professional context, but just in case you took it in a more general context, I would disagree. I was quite relieved to let at least a few close friends know, and I felt greatly supported by them just listening sympathetically. I also wanted my closest friends to hear it directly from me instead of "on the street", and I found that it actually enhanced my friendship with some of those friends to have heard it from me - early - instead of thinking I went through it all myself without sharing it with them. Again, it's a decision you make on a case-by-case basis, depending on your relationship with each individual.
quiet1one1 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 It really depends on your work, work environment, and how close you are to the people. In my case, I told my co-workers and mid-level management what was going on. Some of those people know more details, some less. I am having a tough time and I wanted people to know why I wasn't myself, why I was getting/making so many phone calls, why I need time off for "appointments", why my top priority right now is not my career/job, etc. I know I can't hide forever but the last thing I need right now is to be loaded up with some major project at work. Everyone has been very understanding and supportive. I touch base with my management periodically just to make sure things are cool and I'm not jeopardizing my job or causing major issues for anyone. Good luck.
DesperateDad Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I agree that it depends on your relationships with coworkers. In my own case, I told a couple of coworkers and my boss. I trust all of them and consider them very good friends. They've kept my confidence and given me some good advice and support when I've needed it. They've also kicked me in the ass a couple of times (so did some people around here!) when I needed to be told to wake up and smell the coffee...
sumdude Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 I guess everybody's situation is different. I've been at my job for 10 years. I didn't say anything but to a couple folks for a while. Later I became somewhat free about it. Not the gory details but in general. Actually found a lot of support .. some people don't deal too well. I get the vibe right away whether or not to even continue talking about it with someone. Thing is ... look around, chances are half the people at work have been through a divorce too...
notspiritual Posted May 24, 2007 Posted May 24, 2007 If you are in a competitive environment (e.g. Wall-Street), don’t tell anyone in the office. It is none of their business. The company does not give a **** about your personal life nor does it have to. You are paid to work; you are not paid to disrupt the office with your personal drama. Everything you say will be used against you. I know it is tempting to tell because you need support. Also you need this bitch of a secretary to stop saying “And how is your wife doing?” Believe me, I almost cross the line several times but you have to resist. Find your support outside of work (friends, LS).
GreenEyedLady Posted May 25, 2007 Posted May 25, 2007 Well, I told my friends who also happened to be my coworkers...but my XH served me at work so that's when everyone else (like my boss) found out... He served with me papers while I was teaching...NICE...
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