feelssoright Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I Haven't posted in quite a while. Just a short recap: I am a MW who had an affair with a MM. It all came out in August last year. MM was gone on vacation, and I was alone to handle the blow. My H left me immediately after he found out (via an Email)....3 days later he came to see the kids, and I could see that he hadn't eaten or slept in days. I really felt like dying. How could I have done this to this wonderful man? Well, there are alot of factors that lead to me cheating. I am not going to put the blame on him, it takes 2. I was very alone, no affection, no romance, and felt like we were living 2 seperate lives. We had become like alot of other couples......too comfortable. We let our jobs and kids take over our lives, and forgot about eachother. Anyway, long story short, this all came out...and he demanded NC with the MM as his W did the same, and that was done. We went to 3 months of MC, and seemed to be headed in the right direction. My H is a man that thinks constantly, and assumes, and acts on his assumptions. He becomes obsessed I guess, with his thoughts. We have gotten through the winter, still NC with MM (even though he lives 3 doors away). I see him from time to time, but don't talk to him. I have realized what I did was wrong. I should have put as much effort in my marriage that I did in hiding this A. Whats done is done, I can't change that. I can live with regret all my life, and make the best of what I have , and that is all I can do. I guess why I'm here today, is because 2 days ago, something came up, that I was totallly not expecting. I thought we had moved ahead, never for a minute have I thought that he trusts me 100%, which I don't blame him....but what happened really made me feel as though I went 10 steps backwards. I went out to run errands in the morning. My H works in the neighboring town, and had to come home for something. I wasnt' home. My cell phone rings, and the questions start flying. "Where are you?" "What are you doing?" "Where are you going after?" just question after question. I couldn't quite figure out what was going on. Well, later that day, he came home from work, and I could tell he had something on his mind. I came out and asked him "what is wrong?" "you are obviously thinking about something" he said nothing. Then 5 min later, he asked me if "we were OK" He totallly threw me off. I said " of course we're OK, why wouldn't we be?" He just looked all sad, and said that when he came home earlier, he saw that MM's vehicle wasn't home, and then I wasn't home, and he started to wonder. I have not given him any reason to doubt me. I don't know where this came from. I told him that assuming something like that only hurts him. I didn't do anything wrong. I was out running errands, and didn't know nor care where MM was. So, I guess what I'm asking is.....will this ever go away. Its been almost a year since the A being over. Will this doubt always be in his mind?? He has reason to not trust me , I understand that. But, can I go through life knowing that I am making him sick with worry? I love him dearly, but I cannot see making him sick over this for the rest of our lives. He is on antidepressants, but whenever something like this happens, he makes himself physically ill. Doesn't eat, sleep, thinks all the time, hurts himself mentallly.....what do I do to make this better. Should I just leave him, and make his life easier without me? so confused.........
Ladyjane14 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 It sounds like he needs more reassurance. You might consider restarting MC, or moving to a new neighborhood or town. I would most definitely recommend that you continue to be patient with his insecurity. It's good that he has a way to contact you when he "triggers", but perhaps you might also check in with him several times a day just to keep him informed about your schedule. Talk it over with him and find out what methods make him feel more comforted. It usually take about two years for full recovery after infidelity... sometimes more, sometimes less. But I think it's going to be REALLY challenging to accomplish it within such close proximity to the former affair partner. He's in your husband's line of sight every single day. Bear in mind that betrayed spouses are often so worried that their partner will perceive them as "nagging" they don't always talk when they need to. I had a difficult time with this myself. So.. our MC suggested that my husband come to ME instead. If he noticed that I looked down or blue, he'd be the one to initiate the conversation. That made me feel more comfortable and like less of a harpy. It was also reassuring that he was "tuned in" to me emotionally enough so that he could SEE when I was triggered.
LOVE2 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Well I am sort of in the same boat you are in....but my affair was with a SM and a co-worker. I had an affair with him for 9 years off and on.... Two months ago he decides to call my husband at work in a drunken rage because I told him I didn't want to see him anymore... I was tired of the emotional abuse when he started drinking......... Well to make a long story short my husband and I are working on our marriage... He goes through his ups and downs, you just have to make him feel as secure as possible.... Don't argue with him because it is going to take time for him to trust you again..... I haven't had NC since the phone call, he has tried to call me and was still leaving nasty messages on the phone but I cut all ties.... I have alot of questions about why he did what he did, and I think about him alot but I know it is for the best... There is alot of information I am leaving out but if you want to keep in contact let me know...
jmargel Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 With this guy only being three doors down from you it is a constant reminder of the affair. I would be the same way and it's not his mental problems that are hindering your marriage. It's that it's thrown in his face everytime he looks at that house or that car that is down the street. If you leave him or threaten to leave him over this you will make him a hundred times worse. You created this mess on what you did, it is not his responsibility to 'get over it'. It is your responsibility to do anything and everything in this world to get him comfortable in this marriage again. Whatever it takes, even if it means moving somewhere else. Start up MC again and keep reassuring him that nothing is going on.
Author feelssoright Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Unfortunately, moving is not an option. I own a business that cannot be moved. I cannot tell MM to move. So, this is not an option. It obviously doesn't bother him, so what can I do. I know that it is a constant reminder. He's always THERE! But, it is something I have to live with every day. The only thing I can do is keep reassuring H, that it is over.
Ripples Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Seems you just have to keep doing what you're doing - reassurance, reassurance, reassurance - and not just verbal, but physical too. But also think about what LJ says about finding a way to check in with him regularly, it helps enormously to have complete transparency. Also, about the moving, is there any chance you could just move a few streets away, at least you and your H wouldn't be reminded of the MM/OM every time you went outside your front door. I hope it works out for you two, you obviously love each other very much and it'd be an awful waste of that love if you separated.
2sunny Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 maybe you should always allow him understand where you are 24/7 until you know that he is comfortable.
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 You have to be understanding that he will have panic over not being able to get hold of you, and he'll have triggers which will set him off. It doesn't mean you two are slipping and things are falling apart, it just means that you need to be very careful and attentive to his mindset when he experiences those triggers. It hasn't been that long. I am going to find something for you to read, maybe it will help you gain some insight to what he is going through.
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 deleted as the link was posted wrong... Here's the actual thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119586/ And the post that I think can really hit home with you is reply #19 by Thumbingmyway.
jmargel Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Unfortunately, moving is not an option. I own a business that cannot be moved. I cannot tell MM to move. So, this is not an option. It obviously doesn't bother him, so what can I do. I know that it is a constant reminder. He's always THERE! But, it is something I have to live with every day. The only thing I can do is keep reassuring H, that it is over. What's more important being very close to your business or driving an extra 10 to 20 miles and keeping your husband?
Ruby Tuesday Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 My husband goes out of his way to show me where he rides his motorcycle "around the block" so I know where he is and he calls me if he is late He will stay home all weekend with me when he could be outside doing other things It's little things like that. And he does this all on his own & out of respect for me... because he knows I will worry. Reconcilliation is not a gift, it's a work in progress.
Author feelssoright Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 What's more important being very close to your business or driving an extra 10 to 20 miles and keeping your husband? You don't understand. My house is ATTACHED to my business. I cannot run this business from a different house or town. This business was my dream, and I cannot see letting it go. IF it were a matter of losing my husband, I could probably consider it, but, he doesn't want that. I just don't know
Darth Vader Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I Haven't posted in quite a while. Just a short recap: I am a MW who had an affair with a MM. It all came out in August last year. MM was gone on vacation, and I was alone to handle the blow. My H left me immediately after he found out (via an Email)....3 days later he came to see the kids, and I could see that he hadn't eaten or slept in days. I really felt like dying. How could I have done this to this wonderful man? Well, there are alot of factors that lead to me cheating. I am not going to put the blame on him, it takes 2. I was very alone, no affection, no romance, and felt like we were living 2 seperate lives. We had become like alot of other couples......too comfortable. We let our jobs and kids take over our lives, and forgot about eachother. Anyway, long story short, this all came out...and he demanded NC with the MM as his W did the same, and that was done. We went to 3 months of MC, and seemed to be headed in the right direction. My H is a man that thinks constantly, and assumes, and acts on his assumptions. He becomes obsessed I guess, with his thoughts. We have gotten through the winter, still NC with MM (even though he lives 3 doors away). I see him from time to time, but don't talk to him. I have realized what I did was wrong. I should have put as much effort in my marriage that I did in hiding this A. Whats done is done, I can't change that. I can live with regret all my life, and make the best of what I have , and that is all I can do. I guess why I'm here today, is because 2 days ago, something came up, that I was totallly not expecting. I thought we had moved ahead, never for a minute have I thought that he trusts me 100%, which I don't blame him....but what happened really made me feel as though I went 10 steps backwards. I went out to run errands in the morning. My H works in the neighboring town, and had to come home for something. I wasnt' home. My cell phone rings, and the questions start flying. "Where are you?" "What are you doing?" "Where are you going after?" just question after question. I couldn't quite figure out what was going on. Well, later that day, he came home from work, and I could tell he had something on his mind. I came out and asked him "what is wrong?" "you are obviously thinking about something" he said nothing. Then 5 min later, he asked me if "we were OK" He totallly threw me off. I said " of course we're OK, why wouldn't we be?" He just looked all sad, and said that when he came home earlier, he saw that MM's vehicle wasn't home, and then I wasn't home, and he started to wonder. I have not given him any reason to doubt me. I don't know where this came from. I told him that assuming something like that only hurts him. I didn't do anything wrong. I was out running errands, and didn't know nor care where MM was. So, I guess what I'm asking is.....will this ever go away. Its been almost a year since the A being over. Will this doubt always be in his mind?? He has reason to not trust me , I understand that. But, can I go through life knowing that I am making him sick with worry? I love him dearly, but I cannot see making him sick over this for the rest of our lives. He is on antidepressants, but whenever something like this happens, he makes himself physically ill. Doesn't eat, sleep, thinks all the time, hurts himself mentallly.....what do I do to make this better. Should I just leave him, and make his life easier without me? so confused......... You can't make it better....... Affairs hurt when they're found out, and for the rest of the persons life, like it just happened. He probably blames himself too for the affair. The event that happened is called a trigger, and ANYTHING can set them off, a cellphone, a computer, a hotel, your bedroom, etc.
Darth Vader Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Unfortunately, moving is not an option. I own a business that cannot be moved. I cannot tell MM to move. So, this is not an option. It obviously doesn't bother him, so what can I do. I know that it is a constant reminder. He's always THERE! But, it is something I have to live with every day. The only thing I can do is keep reassuring H, that it is over. Believe me it DOES bother him! He's just not saying anything, Trust me on this.........
michelangelo Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 You don't understand. My house is ATTACHED to my business. I cannot run this business from a different house or town. This business was my dream, and I cannot see letting it go. IF it were a matter of losing my husband, I could probably consider it, but, he doesn't want that. I just don't know What is preventing you from replicating the kind of home/business set up you now have in a different location far from easy contact with the guy you cheated with? Yes, it is a hassle. But if it can relieve your husband's worry about you, I'd recommend it.
Recommended Posts