Is it Real?

[NineGirl]

Okay well I just met this guy from one of my close guy friends about a month ago..ever since then he has been calling me and wanting to go out etc...I am 19 and he is 26 so i dont know how you guys feel about the age diff!..anyways... we have been haning out this past month here and there, he has already opened up to me and told me his whole life story..i have not yet told him everything yet about myself.. (thats just the way I do things)

He has already told me he has feelings but i still keep my self a little closed just in case! But i think i am actually falling for him now but its hard for me to let my guard down so soon ! WELL, it has been two days and he has not called me at all!..no reason or nothing! I tried calling him twice and he has not picked up nor called bACK...! just before these 2 days he had been flooding my phone w/ messages about how he misses me and is thinking about me etc..!

 

SOO i dont get it..Is he for real or am i in for some joke???

 

I dont understand why he just hasn't called!? AND i am not the type of person to chase somebody, so I just let it at this for now

But what should i do.??

[Trialbyfire]

I don't see seven years as an insurmountable age difference, as long as the two of you are at the same maturity level and place in life.

 

As for what you do, do...nothing. Let him contact you, unless you feel there's something terrible you need to apologize for, which I doubt. If he doesn't, you know he's had second thoughts.

[Island Girl]

The age difference is no big deal. Women generally mature faster than men so you both should be right around where you need to be maturity wise for a compatible relationship.

 

He may have something going on -- some emergency or situation or something. If so, he'll call when he gets back to reality.

 

Just relax. If he calls, great. If he doesn't - well, his loss, move on to another of the plethora of men that are waiting out there.

[DutchGuy]

You should ask your mutual friend if he knows what is going on / if his feelings are true.

[DanielMadr]

You were not responding to his advances. Its rejection. It hurts. Reasonable people eject themselves for their own good and for yours....they know it is ackward for you to reject them.

 

You dont need an advice. Its simple. Try to imagine being in his skin. You love a guy. You spill your guts to him. You tell him you like him. And he is still rock cold to you. What would you do? Eventually you would stop calling him and pursuing him to spare yourself and him the trouble.

 

If you like him, call him to let him know you are interested. If you are afraid to do that (chicken, phaw, phaw) then dont. Just tell him what you write here. That you need time to know him to open up and feel relaxed. Just make sure when you cant go on date, let him know it is because you cant not that you dont want.

 

Actually you are perfect example how challenge works. Watch and learn guys. You want her, you pursue....she is not interested. You withdraw...she cant stop thinking about you. Women:rolleyes:

[DanielMadr]

Just relax. If he calls, great. If he doesn't - well, his loss, move on to another of the plethora of men that are waiting out there.

 

Sitting secure in your living room, acting like you dont care is very...hmm secure, risk free. But No pain, no gain.

[Island Girl]

Sitting secure in your living room, acting like you dont care is very...hmm secure, risk free. But No pain, no gain.

 

I would never advise just sitting in a living room. I say get out and live life don't worry about him or whatever he is doing.

 

Hello Daniel? Did you READ the post?!! She has called him twice - he didn't pick up and hasn't returned the calls. She does NOT need to do more to let him know she is interested. Two phone calls is enough.

 

So the ball is in his court at this point.

 

And OP -- do not just sit around and wait. You are 19 with plenty to do so get together with friends and enjoy whatever comes up. If he is interested, he'll call. If not there are plenty of fish in the sea.

[DanielMadr]

Hello Daniel? Did you READ the post?!! She has called him twice - he didn't pick up and hasn't returned the calls. She does NOT need to do more to let him know she is interested. Two phone calls is enough.

 

She had the ball in her court all month. It probably gets more than 2 phone calls of bored and confused girl to start a new game.

[NineGirl]

You completely understand me IslandGirl!! Daniel...it is hard for most women to show their true feelings so soon when meeting a guy because most of the time it ends up backfiring on them...

 

Let me tell you what happened after that this week!...The third day he did call me.. but this was at 1 am! I was asleep and he had left a message saying "hey beautiful, sorry i did not call you earlier.. call me if your up".

 

I hadn't called him that night nor the next day because I was very busy..he ended up calling me again that evening.. i picked up but his voice seemed different.. SOmething felt odd!...he told me he wanted to see me that night after I was done haning out with some friends...WELLL i called him back right when i finished hanging with my friends and he didnt pick up! I CALLED AGAIN (no reply)...and about 30 min. later he called back & gave me some excuse about how him and friend got into some arguement and he didnt want me to see him all upset and angry...Hmmmmm weird??

 

So after that its just been barley a phone call, and if i do call he is not the same anymore..

I'm thinking he's either done with me because he feels theres no chance or something else!?!

[Island Girl]

You completely understand me IslandGirl!!

 

Thanks. I'm trying.

 

Daniel...it is hard for most women to show their true feelings so soon when meeting a guy because most of the time it ends up backfiring on them...

 

My position is not that it is hard for a woman to show feelings. Those feelings just have to be deserved.

 

A man who wants to go out with you will call. He can call and get wonderful conversations - he still needs to actually ask for a date.

 

And then if the two people go out on a date and have a great time, there should be follow up phone calls, more great conversations, and more dates, etc.

 

Let me tell you what happened after that this week!...The third day he did call me.. but this was at 1 am! I was asleep and he had left a message saying "hey beautiful, sorry i did not call you earlier.. call me if your up".

 

Calling at 1 am is disrespectful.

 

He is not your tried and true boyfriend yet - needing to talk to you because of some urgent situation or emergency.

 

So calling at 1 am is completely disrespectful.

 

I hadn't called him that night

 

Good. And you shouldn't call a guy back that calls you at 1 am when he is not your boyfriend - and even then there should be extenuating circumstances of an emergency or urgent situation.

 

nor the next day because I was very busy..

 

Yeah - because you have a life. And it was disrespectful and then does not warrant a return phone call.

 

he ended up calling me again that evening.. i picked up but his voice seemed different.. SOmething felt odd!...he told me he wanted to see me that night after I was done haning out with some friends...WELLL i called him back right when i finished hanging with my friends and he didnt pick up! I CALLED AGAIN (no reply)...and about 30 min. later he called back & gave me some excuse about how him and friend got into some arguement and he didnt want me to see him all upset and angry...Hmmmmm weird??

 

Not weird. Just stupid disrespectful behavior.

 

I wouldn't waste any more time on him. If he shapes up and starts treating you like you actually matter (calling early enough that you could speak to him and still get a good night's sleep, asking you out on a date with a confirmed time - not some vague time after you or he are done hanging out with friends)

 

So after that its just been barley a phone call, and if i do call he is not the same anymore..

I'm thinking he's either done with me because he feels theres no chance or something else!?!

 

It doesn't really matter what HE is doing. It matters what YOU are doing.

 

You should not be concerned with him at all.

 

You haven't seen great behavior from him. He certainly is not treating you like you are special - he is treating you like you are an afterthought and a girl he sees as a potential "booty call".

 

If he calls again, I'd say very politely that you aren't going to waste your valuable time on someone who doesn't appreciate it.

[DanielMadr]

Thanks. I'm trying.

 

 

 

My position is not that it is hard for a woman to show feelings. Those feelings just have to be deserved.

 

Calling back and saying yes to invitations should be enough. Attitude of 'I should be deserved' make guys puke unless he wants to kiss your feet and dress like his mother.

 

 

Calling at 1 am is disrespectful.

 

Its maybe love but who knows.

 

 

It doesn't really matter what HE is doing. It matters what YOU are doing.

 

You should not be concerned with him at all.

Its easy to say. You dont love him. She does.

You haven't seen great behavior from him. He certainly is not treating you like you are special - he is treating you like you are an afterthought and a girl he sees as a potential "booty call".

I understand he was treating her special but with no response.

 

If he calls again, I'd say very politely that you aren't going to waste your valuable time on someone who doesn't appreciate it.

 

She never appreciated that before.

She is interested in him, so this would be called bluffing.

[Island Girl]

Once again - you completely miss the point Daniel.

 

Your perspective is, from what I have read in your posts, that the guy is always trying valiantly and not getting any signal the girl is interested.

 

Clearly when he asked her to get together after she spent time with her friends -- and she said "yes". She was interested. (How much of an "I'm interested" signal is that?!!) -- then she called him TWICE and he didn't answer. After that he calls 30 minutes later and gives some excuse about being upset and not wanting her to see him like that.

 

Transparent crap. He could have answered the phone - he did after all have plans with her - and if this was truly the case, he could have answered and said so immediately.

It is a lame excuse and she knew it -- said as much -- and you know it too.

 

Let me remind you he is 26 years old. Not 15.

 

This guy is just passing time and is not really serious about wanting to pursue a real relationship or he is an absolute ass and doesn't know how. Either way he is a waste of time.

 

And I say "deserving" of emotion because the definition is:

 

to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation

 

The words fits. He should be treating her and her time with respect - not pulling crap like 1 am calls and flaking on plans.

He doesn't deserve her caring. He hasn't done anything to warrant setting him apart from the rest. In fact he has thus far shown himself to be so completely common that he shouldn't even be a passing thought.

 

My point is, if she is interested, that interest is misplaced.

 

No bluffing. Just over. His lack luster efforts are haphazard meager attempts and he even flakes when he gets a confirmed involvement from her side.

 

My advice is to forget about him and move on to a guy who is interested, keeps his word, and treats her with respect.

[DanielMadr]

Once again - you completely miss the point Daniel.

 

Your perspective is, from what I have read in your posts, that the guy is always trying valiantly and not getting any signal the girl is interested.

 

Clearly when he asked her to get together after she spent time with her friends -- and she said "yes". She was interested. (How much of an "I'm interested" signal is that?!!) -- then she called him TWICE and he didn't answer. After that he calls 30 minutes later and gives some excuse about being upset and not wanting her to see him like that.

 

Transparent crap. He could have answered the phone - he did after all have plans with her - and if this was truly the case, he could have answered and said so immediately.

It is a lame excuse and she knew it -- said as much -- and you know it too.

 

Let me remind you he is 26 years old. Not 15.

 

This guy is just passing time and is not really serious about wanting to pursue a real relationship or he is an absolute ass and doesn't know how. Either way he is a waste of time.

 

And I say "deserving" of emotion because the definition is:

 

to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation

 

The words fits. He should be treating her and her time with respect - not pulling crap like 1 am calls and flaking on plans.

He doesn't deserve her caring. He hasn't done anything to warrant setting him apart from the rest. In fact he has thus far shown himself to be so completely common that he shouldn't even be a passing thought.

 

My point is, if she is interested, that interest is misplaced.

 

No bluffing. Just over. His lack luster efforts are haphazard meager attempts and he even flakes when he gets a confirmed involvement from her side.

 

My advice is to forget about him and move on to a guy who is interested, keeps his word, and treats her with respect.

 

About not getting any signal, read her first post 'He has already told me he has feelings but i still keep my self a little closed just in case!'. That I was refering to.

 

Problem with your advice is that you demand perfect behaviour from him. Yeah why not. But he is not old enough or experienced to know it all.

He can be just as confused as she is, especially with her holding back and him with head in clouds of love.

Maybe he is the best she can get. Her "game" is not the top one either.

Certainly he is not behaving like he has his shyt together but if she demands for her partners to be 100%, she can end up alone or with 40yo player. She is 19yo and there is very few 40yo who are OK and even less 20yo.

[Island Girl]

Certainly he is not behaving like he has his shyt together but if she demands for her partners to be 100%, she can end up alone or with 40yo player. She is 19yo and there is very few 40yo who are OK and even less 20yo.

 

so you are suggesting that she should accept behavior that is beyond questionable (and we all know that behavior is ALWAYS more perfect in the beginning than later in a relationship - It has only been a month after all -

because she may end up ALONE?

 

You've got to be kidding. The girl is 19. She has PLENTY of time to date and meet someone.

 

In fact right now, at 19, the ratio of men to women is at it's highest for her.

 

Expecting a man to call at a reasonable hour, keep his plans without flaking, and make her a priority (he has said she is - she should see it) is NOT demanding 100%.

 

That is giving him some very loose standards to play by.

 

He can't even do that much -- and he needs to get the boot.

 

There are way too many fish in the sea and way too many good years of fishing ahead to waste time on someone who is so terrible at the easiest part (which is the beginning of a relationship).

 

*** and by the way, no matter what the age - poor behavior is poor behavior - and a person should never put up with substandard treatment out of fear of being alone.

 

Being alone is ALWAYS better than to be with someone who treats you like a subservient being.

[DanielMadr]

so you are suggesting that she should accept behavior that is beyond questionable (and we all know that behavior is ALWAYS more perfect in the beginning than later in a relationship - It has only been a month after all -

because she may end up ALONE?

 

You've got to be kidding. The girl is 19. She has PLENTY of time to date and meet someone.

 

In fact right now, at 19, the ratio of men to women is at it's highest for her.

 

Expecting a man to call at a reasonable hour, keep his plans without flaking, and make her a priority (he has said she is - she should see it) is NOT demanding 100%.

 

That is giving him some very loose standards to play by.

 

He can't even do that much -- and he needs to get the boot.

 

There are way too many fish in the sea and way too many good years of fishing ahead to waste time on someone who is so terrible at the easiest part (which is the beginning of a relationship).

 

*** and by the way, no matter what the age - poor behavior is poor behavior - and a person should never put up with substandard treatment out of fear of being alone.

 

Being alone is ALWAYS better than to be with someone who treats you like a subservient being.

 

He did some "bad" things but I dont think its right to blow him off like he tried to cheat on her or killed someone. For her to demand better beahaviour she has to motivate him like "Id like to go out with you but Im afraid you will flake on me again, that felt bad." b/c all she did was being indifferent.

 

I dont think beginning of relationship is the easiest part. One slip and you are out. When people know each other they are more tolerant, b/c they know the other person has plenty of good qualities and one slip is just a slip.

 

I think she started to like him, b/c he started to behave like azzhole or better said, he stopped being head over heels in love guy. Girls just cant stand someone not being crazy about them

[annabelle75]

I agree with IslandGirl completely. I'm sorry but if you have to "motivate" a guy to treat you respectfully, he just isn't worth it.

 

If a guy asked to see me and then stood me up with a flimsy excuse about being mad at a friend I would kick him to the curb. Either he is lying (he was out with another girl) or he is just way to immature to waste your time on.

 

This guy is flaking on her way too often. There is either something going on she doesn't know about, or he is just not ready for a real relationship.

 

I wouldn't waste my time worrying about him.

[NineGirl]

I KNOW you both (IslandGIirl & Annabelle) understand exactly why I am so frustrated! The thing is.. in the beginning he was ALWAYS calling, talking, making plans with me etc! NOw, I think that since he feels that i may have not been interested, hes backing off so he wont feel rejected...BUT I am not giving him signals to back off, RATher i am giving him signals to slow down..There is a difference, and i don't understand why he can't see it. Im not going to sit down and tell him all of this because he shouldve figured this out.. Since he hasn't.. maybe its because he doesnt want to!

 

As for what you said DANIEL...im not all head over heels for him now that hes being an ******* and not showing me the same attention..I'm just more curious to see what is going on, and what his deal is!

This guy has had a very bad past from girls to "other things". But the reason i was drawn to him more is because he seemed like he had changed and was more mature then any other guy i've talked to.

 

But its unfortunate that it had to go this way because i actually was falling for him, but he left me wondering out of the blue, and I don't know how to deal with that!

 

Im going to see what happens this week.. but if he decides to give me late unecessary calls again , or not even call at all, im not sure how I should address to that..Should i just be straight out with him , or should i just leave it at that and not even bother with him!?!?

[annabelle75]

I'm all for being straight with him. Tell him how you feel about his recent behavior and find out what is going on in his head. What do you got to lose?

[Island Girl]

Im going to see what happens this week.. but if he decides to give me late unecessary calls again , or not even call at all, im not sure how I should address to that..Should i just be straight out with him , or should i just leave it at that and not even bother with him!?!?

 

I second Annabelle and would be straight with him about his behavior.

 

Be very succinct about it and don't allow any dancing around. Be frank and expect the same back. No lame excuses, etc. If he can't do that up front and quickly - I wouldn't waste any more time. Just put him in the "no" category and move on.

[NineGirl]

aghhhh I don't know what to do! Its almost 5pm and he has not called.. and honestly i am really fed up!

I don't like games like this so i'm over this whole situation..I have better things to be concentrating on then this!

 

He calls, he calls!.. if not then screw him! He should know better then to start what he could not finish..BUT if he does not call at all..should i give him a call later at night and see whats really going on?

I just hate being left in the clouds like this!

 

Karma really does work:o

[jcster]

The fact that he's not calling to invite you out, but calling to invite himself over later in the night is sign numero uno that he's trying to set up a booty call. Sign numero dos is that he doesn't answer or return your calls, or if he does, he's "distant." These guys call when they are horny and don't think one iota about you when they are not. At 19, there is absolutely no reason to put up with this. A big NO to him.

[NineGirl]

( THIS ones' A LITTLE LONG!! sorry)

~~~OKAY!! Now let me tell you what happened yesterday...Soooo he calls me around 5 pm and tells "wow what have you been doing, whats going on, i havent seen u in forever bla bla!".. I tell him that he is the one being Mr. CoolGuy and hardly ever calling anymore and flaking on plans.. WELL he informs me that, that week him and his friend were at San Diego just hanging out, having fun .. whatevr...At this point i play it off like i dont care, because honestly i really should not even care.. SOO he asks me where I am and what Im doing, and i tell him that Im home cleaning a bit.. I ask him where he is and he tells me he is at the SPA..OKAYY sooo he tells me that hes just there waiting for his "friend"..

NOW is this "friend" a male or female?? Would 2 guys go to a spa together?? I did not even bother to ask nor seem like i care.. So i told him that ill talk to him later..And he told me that he wants to see me so he wanted me to call him that night....

SO its friday night, me and my girlfriends are out having a good time.. and its around 12 30 am.. and Of course I DO NOT call him even though he asked me to , but Im fed up a little at this point.. He ends up calling me and questioning me as to what Im doing..I tell him Im out and that iLL call him later..So i call him when i get home around 1 (STUPID ME!) and he seems busy because i here music and people so he tells me he will call me later..!( Cat and Mouse games!! ) I wake up the next morning and see that i have a missed call from him at 3am! WOWW horrible..

 

I still have feelings for him but i just dont understand what his deal is.. hes sending me weird signals now.. and i cant take it. Its making me frustrated which in the end will make me want to be distant from him. But do i want that?

And i dont even want to tell him how i feel and what is really going on in my head because I just feel like he wont get it..or its just not worth it!

WHAT TO Do.. WHAT TO DO!?!

[NineGirl]

[NineGirl]

[Island Girl]

Okay -- so you really should be done talking to this guy and completely blow him off.

 

BUT is you can't just be done - and you need some closure or you need to just let it play out, then you are going to have to at least set up some rules for yourself.

 

These should be guidelines for your dating life - not just with this guy either. It will help prevent this kind of situation from EVER happening in the future:

 

Do not answer the phone for any guy that calls you after 10pm.

Let him leave a message and then depending on the message you can return the call the next day. And callbacks to guys are before 10pm too.

 

Do not answer the phone for a guy if you are hanging out with your friends/family.

I don't mean if you are just at home watching TV or something unless everyone is watching a movie together or having dinner together, etc.

 

If they call and you are busy - you are busy. Focus and enjoy whatever you are doing.

 

Once a guy becomes a part of your life as your boyfriend things change -- a little bit. But you still need to keep some boundaries because you have to maintain your life too.

 

Does that help?