Why Cant I Be Loved?!!!

[SadBabyGirl]

Its always the same old story. I meet a fantastic guy in the beginning, who makes every play as possible to get me to be his. Gifts, loving words, loving gestures, spoils me rotten, and ultimately, well.. Sex as well. Then..

 

Later on down the road they become distant. Take me for granted. Never once said I love you to me..suddenly work, friends, tv, etc becomes important. And a majority of these men in the beginning talked about how horrible their experience was with their ex. She cheated on me. She hurt me. She wouldnt have sex with me/(or didn't like it) . Blah Blah cry me a river stuff.

 

Then I come in as their hero. I try to save them from that horrible past and be the best girlfriend EVER. I talk lovingly back. Give them loving words back, gifts, spoil them rotten in return.

 

Then in the end I am all alone. I was never loved. Or I was and they never admitted to it. Why does this pattern keep happening? I even tried to meet different types of people, ethnicities, Americans, different religions...family oriented...

 

Are some people just unlovable? Am I too Easy to get? I do NOT want to be a bitch as all these books state, (Like why men marry / love bitches, hes just not that into you, etc.) become meaner, become this and that. I am a college student, I make my own money its not like im too dependent i learned that lesson long time ago, but I am a little emotionally clingy/Dependant but I tell them that IN THE BEGINNING!! And its not like im Ugly. I am not a model but I have been told by many many people that I am very attractive, hence I would doubt anybody would have been interested in me in the first place at least if I wasnt a little!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, don't discount the "Why men love bitches book", its a very ineresting philosophy that is based in the "laws" governing attraction. Give it a try, it really isn't about being a bitch at all! My copy has been passed around by every girlfriend I have, married and single. Can't even remember who has it now but in a week or two someone will be wanting to read it again. One girlfriend made multiple copies of the list and has had them laminated and posted in prominate places!

 

There is also an ebook that sends out newsletters and this guy is pretty much on target, its called catchhimandkeephim, I beleive.

[Trialbyfire]

Then I come in as their hero. I try to save them from that horrible past and be the best girlfriend EVER. I talk lovingly back. Give them loving words back, gifts, spoil them rotten in return.

 

No one can save anyone.

 

Relationships are like scales. If each party gives an equal amount, the scale remains balanced. One party gives too much or the other party takes too much, the scale is no longer balanced and it topples.

 

There's a limit that you can give which will vary per partner. Also, never forget to take. Once you forget to take, you will be taken for granted. Good luck!

[Reckless]

If you are seeing a pattern then its probably in you, your choices and your behaviour.

 

• If you're dating men that only see you as a challenge, date other types of men.
  
• If you're dating men that need "saving" from their pasts, tell them to write to Doctor Ruth.
  
• If you are clingy, needy, too available and tend to mother men, don't just say "well I'm like that" learn to be un-like that , you're young there's time.
  

 

 

The universe isn't something that happens to you, you are an active participant. If you are emotionally clingy, use material things and sex to bind people to you and have a negative fatalistic attitude then the universe will send you such people and patterns will continue to repeat.

 

Take a break and think about the qualities that you appreciate in fine human beings (male or female). Then surround yourself with friends male and female that consistently display those qualities and try and cultivate the same characteristics.

 

Be a whole person, look for a patient, spiritual, joyful, caring, intelligent person who hates playing games, and doesn't depend on others for their happiness. Of course someone like this probably wants someone similar. Work on yourself and the universe will fall into step.

 

R

[Island Girl]

Then I come in as their hero. I try to save them from that horrible past and be the best girlfriend EVER. I talk lovingly back. Give them loving words back, gifts, spoil them rotten in return.

 

My guess is that you do spoil them rotten. Then they act rotten.

 

Relationships go bad when you lose all sense of yourself and become their "beck and call" girl -- or guy (for those out there who deal with the same situation reversed).

 

These guys are chasing you and showing you so much in the beginning because you are independent.

 

You are challenging, interesting, and have a life of your own. My guess is that goes away and very soon it becomes "whatever he wants". So whenever he wants to see you - there you are. Whenever or whatever he wants to do is "perfect" and you are just happy to go along.

 

Love does not mean you sacrifice your self, your wants, or your life for another.

 

You would do better to keep your sense of self, maintaining your independence, and don't start settling for less as the relationship goes along.

 

Yes, I am often a B-yatch. But I am often not. And boy do the men want to keep the B-yatch side at bay.

 

My husband is my forever love because he keeps the B-yatch at bay but never at the sacrifice of himself. He stands up for himself when necessary and there is a healthy respect on both sides of the equation.

[SadBabyGirl]

The ironic thing is that usually in the beginning these guys annoy me! They are constantly Im'ing me, calling me, wanting to see me, etc. I feel kind of like a bitch at first on a power trip you know like haha he likes me Ill play it cool. because I do not really know this person and I do not want to get hurt, Ill see who/how they are first as friends in the beginning. But at the same time I tell my life stories, jokes, am interesting, Then after awhile Ill give in and be like alright I do like him, I'm not a kid anymore, stop playing games and give him a chance. Then I begin to be loving back as he was to me, showering with affection and attention, being readily available, BRUTALLY HONEST, and being myself. I mean If I was a guy and made a relationship application for a girlfriend I think I would make a good contender. I do not see really what their problem is, its like a challenge or a stupid game. Like once the pursuer catches the distancer, the pursuer becomes the distancer. Then if I back off and play hard to get like suddenly I'm back to MY LIFE i had before them, then they are like whats wrong? Or they suddenly start kissing my butt thinking that they've lost me or because somehow, they started missing me since I haven't been available. And btw most of the relationships I had were long distance ones, if that explains anything, and one of them I cohabited with somebody. All were the same story. I love you, I love you not.

 

Or I love you but Im not in love with you. The thing is I found somebody I REALLY care about, but he never said he loves me yet, I want him to love me/ fall in love with me but I feel like its too late. I do not know what to do ... he shows hes into me though through actions, but lately as I mentioned above, Ive become the pursuer now... and hes not as readily available as before, etc etc etc, hes being pretty much what I should be.. but if I act as that then our relation would be doomed?

[Trialbyfire]

The ironic thing is that usually in the beginning these guys annoy me! They are constantly Im'ing me, calling me, wanting to see me, etc. I feel kind of like a bitch at first on a power trip you know like haha he likes me Ill play it cool. because I do not really know this person and I do not want to get hurt, Ill see who/how they are first as friends in the beginning. But at the same time I tell my life stories, jokes, am interesting, Then after awhile Ill give in and be like alright I do like him, I'm not a kid anymore, stop playing games and give him a chance. Then I begin to be loving back as he was to me, showering with affection and attention, being readily available, BRUTALLY HONEST, and being myself. I mean If I was a guy and made a relationship application for a girlfriend I think I would make a good contender. I do not see really what their problem is, its like a challenge or a stupid game. Like once the pursuer catches the distancer, the pursuer becomes the distancer. Then if I back off and play hard to get like suddenly I'm back to MY LIFE i had before them, then they are like whats wrong? Or they suddenly start kissing my butt thinking that they've lost me or because somehow, they started missing me since I haven't been available. And btw most of the relationships I had were long distance ones, if that explains anything, and one of them I cohabited with somebody. All were the same story. I love you, I love you not.

 

Or I love you but Im not in love with you. The thing is I found somebody I REALLY care about, but he never said he loves me yet, I want him to love me/ fall in love with me but I feel like its too late. I do not know what to do ... he shows hes into me though through actions, but lately as I mentioned above, Ive become the pursuer now... and hes not as readily available as before, etc etc etc, hes being pretty much what I should be.. but if I act as that then our relation would be doomed?

Noooo, you're not listening to what everyone is saying. It's about overinvesting so you get walked on. You can't control his actions so back off and let him do some work too.

[Island Girl]

Then I begin to be loving back as he was to me, showering with affection and attention, being readily available, BRUTALLY HONEST, and being myself. I mean If I was a guy and made a relationship application for a girlfriend I think I would make a good contender. I do not see really what their problem is, its like a challenge or a stupid game. Like once the pursuer catches the distancer, the pursuer becomes the distancer.

 

Exactly as I said in my post above. You go overboard with the "perfect girlfriend" routine.

 

Then if I back off and play hard to get like suddenly I'm back to MY LIFE i had before them, then they are like whats wrong? Or they suddenly start kissing my butt thinking that they've lost me or because somehow, they started missing me since I haven't been available.

 

You have answered your own questions -- and again -- it is exactly as I said above.

 

You need to find the balance between the two positions. Being a great girlfriend does not mean changing your life completely or catering to a guy.

 

You should still maintain your own life and your own separate interests.

 

You swing like a pendulum all the way to one side or the other.

 

Happiness in a relationship is about balancing both your "great girlfriend" side and your independent "I do have a life of my own" side in equal parts.

[JaneInVegas]

Well, don't discount the "Why men love bitches book", its a very ineresting philosophy that is based in the "laws" governing attraction. Give it a try, it really isn't about being a bitch at all!

 

Thanks for mentioning this book! I got a copy of it, and even though I don't agree with 100% of it, it's very enlightening!

 

To the original poster: you really should pick up a copy of this book ... it really isn't about being a 'bitch' at all. She says several times she uses that term very loosely, and it's not about being mean at all. I have a lot of relationship problems, too, and I can see where I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm planning on changing that!!