silentcharon Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Ok, this has been an ongoing issue now. I've been making inquiries in this board sometimes to gain some insight into my current situation. I'm a 23 year old student, sharing a house with another room mate, who is a 50 something old male. I met him through a friend, we're actually friends now, and we get along very well. He's been sleeping with another friend of mine, she is about 45, I think- who is married to her H of 10 odd years, with two kids. Her H is also a friend of mine. I'm sure you can see where this is going. The awful part is that, we're all part of a really tight knit community (we're all Deaf), and they play really dumb about it, assuming that no one knows about it. She would come over, and stay up chatting till 2 am, I know because I would be up late writing essays. Her car would be there the next morning when I left for school, and whenever people instigate their relationship, they go, "We're just friends." The H is bound to find out anytime soon- he has been coming to me for advice regarding his wife, etc, and I've been at a loss of what to say. I'm friends with all of the parties here, and I really hate it how I've been put in the position whether I should say something to someone. I don't want to move out, as I really like the place and I get along very well with people. If I tell the H, I betray my friend, if I don't tell the H, I'll have betrayed the H, who is also my friend, when he finds out I knew about it the whole time. I'm in an awful situation, it's like a time bomb waiting to go off on me. What do I do??? It's been driving me nuts- how they play dumb about it, when it's so blatantly obvious, that it's practically an insult to everyone's intelligence when they say, "We're just friends." Any advice? Do I sit tight or not?
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Sorry but I won't lie for a friend in a situation like that. I would tell your roommate and his cheater that they need to fess up to the husband. If not, the next time you talk to him, you will tell him the truth yourself because he's been asking your advice. Also tell them that they've put you in the middle, that this is an unacceptable place to put you.
Author silentcharon Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 I have tried to bring up the subject with the OM and friend W, and that's just it, they just DENY it. I live there! I've gotten really upset with my friend about it, and she's been admanant about it- I tell her that everyone KNOWS and it's only a matter of time before the H finds out. I've tried to explain where I'm coming from, I told her I didn't want to get caught in the cross fire. She said, "Oh, if the H finds out and accuses you of lying, just tell him that I asked you to lie to him for me, so it can't be your fault." I told her that no way, I wouldn't make the situation worse by lying to him too. She won't tell the H... no matter how I've tried to reason with her and the OM. It just sucks because overall they all are very nice people who I get along very well for the most part.
norajane Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 She said, "Oh, if the H finds out and accuses you of lying, just tell him that I asked you to lie to him for me, so it can't be your fault." Well, then, she is admitting it. This is not a denial - it's an admission. I agree with Trialbyfire - tell the two of them that you're going to tell the H if they don't do it. You are contributing to the problem by hiding it for her. The sooner H knows, the sooner he can make an informed decision about his life and his marriage. Yes, there may be some fall-out for you...your friends are probably going to be upset with you. But if you have to live a lie on their behalf, what kind of friends are they to put you in that position and expect you to lie for them?
GreenEyedLady Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 OP:If I were you, I'd stay out of it...There's going to be fallout here and there's no reason for you to take the brunt of it... According to everything you've written it's only a matter of time before he finds out...it's not your responsibility to investigate or report on someone else...if your friend needs help in his R, perhaps you should advise counseling...guys don't usually go around seeking advice on their marriage with a single female... And keep in mind... Who is your better friend? Which one can you see a long-term friendship with? Because if they do D, you'll most likely only be friends with one... And if you tell the H or force the W into doing it, neither of them will thank you... I think in times of doubt: MYOB...
torranceshipman Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I'd tell those two that they have to quit putting you in the middle, and that you wont lie for them anymore, because it makes you uncomfortable and you think that the lying is wrong. I mean, come on, sneaking around and staying over when you're at the apartment, so you KNOW whats happening...it's kinda sleazy, and who wants that going on in their home? I wouldn't lie for any of my friends and they wouldn't lie for me, and I appreciate that...don't feel forced into lying to your friend, if it really bothers you...you shouldn't have to be forced into a corner like that.
Recommended Posts