Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Why do exes pop up after time has gone by? Some of my exes have come back after years -- the latest surfaced after 11 years of NC with an explanation that he had tried to find me every year or so but I was always "one step ahead of him". What makes an ex get back in touch? Is it some kind of idealized version of the relationship? Just wanting closure possibly? When I broke it off for good I never looked back and never expected to hear from any of them again. I don't reminisce or think about them except as a chapter now closed. What's going on over on the other side of the fence?
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Probably out of curiosity more than anything. Just wanting to see what would happen if you two talked. Ego related more than likely too...
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I've stayed friends with all my exes except the last. Some I lose touch with for years, then they track me down and regain contact. I see this recontacting more as a friendship situation than anything else, although one of them might be unresolved curiosity. In situations other than mine, I would guess there's unfinished business, maybe some hopefulness, curiosity, regaining a lost feeling, etc. Don't forget IG, you were the dumper so there's probably unfinished business on their parts.
Author Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Probably out of curiosity more than anything. Just wanting to see what would happen if you two talked. Ego related more than likely too... But a lot of these guys got their egos completely damaged -- ? I always wonder why would they come back for more? Or maybe they just want to find out what I'm up to. But I never have any curiosity about them or their lives, etc. -- why do they? I guess I'd just like to know why someone would find an ex that broke their heart even if years have gone by? Obviously they've had other relationships since then...
Author Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Don't forget IG, you were the dumper so there's probably unfinished business on their parts. Lately - well, the ones that have come back in the last couple of years I have asked if they have any questions or thoughts they'd like to convey. I have apologized to them and tried to answer any questions they have. But I don't understand the drive that makes someone do this.
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Lately - well, the ones that have come back in the last couple of years I have asked if they have any questions or thoughts they'd like to convey. I have apologized to them and tried to answer any questions they have. But I don't understand the drive that makes someone do this. They're not going to be open about residual wants or desires, or softer emotions for that matter. You like the very masculine type. Imagine your big athletes with egos telling you they wish things had been different...
Author Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 They're not going to be open about residual wants or desires, or softer emotions for that matter. You like the very masculine type. Imagine your big athletes with egos telling you they wish things had been different... LOL!! You are right - you know my type! Perhaps that is the source of my confusion. They seem to allude to that but the dance around asking about me and my happiness. Then they say they are happy that I am happy...but perhaps they really want to know that I am suffering somewhere head in hands thinking, "WHY! Oh WHY did I ever let him go!" The craziest ones have asked me for relationship advice - calling me up to find out about me but then pour out the problems in their relationships or marriages when I haven't even seen them in years and didn't even know they had gotten married! Why seek me out and ask me?!! ugh.
Trialbyfire Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 LOL!! You are right - you know my type! Perhaps that is the source of my confusion. They seem to allude to that but the dance around asking about me and my happiness. Then they say they are happy that I am happy...but perhaps they really want to know that I am suffering somewhere head in hands thinking, "WHY! Oh WHY did I ever let him go!" The craziest ones have asked me for relationship advice - calling me up to find out about me but then pour out the problems in their relationships or marriages when I haven't even seen them in years and didn't even know they had gotten married! Why seek me out and ask me?!! ugh. True... Because you give good advice!! Your advice is always from a position of personal strength.
Author Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Because you give good advice!! Your advice is always from a position of personal strength. Thanks for the 'props' girlfriend!! Back atcha!!!
Krytellan Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 What makes an ex get back in touch? Is it some kind of idealized version of the relationship? Just wanting closure possibly? Typically, it will happen after they have just ended a somewhat meaningful relationship. They will go through this illusionary phase that they had it "so good" with an ex that they will make an attempt to get in touch. It's a way to get affirmation after being in a damaging situation. After a bit of time, howver, the illusion passes and they go about their way.
Author Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 They will go through this illusionary phase that they had it "so good" with an ex that they will make an attempt to get in touch. It's a way to get affirmation after being in a damaging situation. Okay, but what if I was one of the most damaging relationships they had? I mean, generally, the guys that come back years later are ones that I didn't leave very nicely. I didn't cheat on any of them but I definitely left them loving me yet hating me at the same time...they had to have been bitter...which is why I always have to apologize to them (after now knowing what I did and how that must have felt). And they always say "there is no need for an apology" and seem so surprised that I offer one. Hmmmm.
halfarock Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I always hear guys saying how they would like to get back together with their exes. Confuses me. Once I was telling several guys about how the mother of my children (now mostly grown) had told me that she would be open to going out with me again. All of the guys were enthusiastic about it, with each in turn mentioning a woman or two that they would like to get back together with – even the ones with current girlfriends and wives. Some were slow at understanding that I just wasn’t interested anymore. If you talk to the homeless alcoholic bum types, they all seem to have a story about how their life would have been different if only they had been able to stay with some woman from their past. Thus it seems to be a rather common occurrence that guys want to, long to get back with their exes, even if the original relationship was never that good or the breakup devastating. I’ve read somewhere that breakups tend to be harder on men then women that they tend to let the pain drag on longer and blame themselves rather than just accept that it just wasn’t working. It’s probably an insecurity issue. Plus, many guys tend to think of their girlfriends/wives almost as possessions, trophies even. It’s something that is hard to give up.
Author Island Girl Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Thanks halfarock. There is some stuff to chew on in that post of yours. Any other thoughts out there?
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