alex434 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 For the first time in my life i am with someone who i am completely happy with and who we both want to be with eachother for a very long time, however there is one little problem on my mind.... When i first met her i told her that i wasent a virgin, which we established (she still is) The thing that bothers me is that i have slept with 4 girls, and she thinks that its only been with one, So my main value is that the number SHOULDNT MATTER because whether it was 1 or 4 she still knows im not a virgin and it shouldnt count how many because it was my PAST so what im asking is does it really matter if she thinks its one or 4 or should i just let it be? we are at that point where if i tell her now how many it could upset her and maybe even perhaps ruin things i know i slept with a handful but i tell her that i regret losing it (which i really do ) and if i could i'd wait for her but i cant take that back so should i tell her, does it really matter? or should i just let it be? my conscience is at 50 50 right now, im just looking for that good reassuring opinion, thanks
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 It's up you if you want to be totally honest, but as you said 1 or 4 doesn't make you any more or less no longer a virgin. I think if you already told her 1 stick with that, it doesn't really matter and it's not worth risking anything over now. (3 more than you told her, will just make her more nervous you have more experience and is just 3 more) Though if it will eat at you then tell her but before you have sex.
Reckless Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Come clean. If you not, be prepared to guard the secret until the end of all time because women are sticklers for details and although the essential as you pointed out was true (you are not a virgin) she will hate it that you lied. She will hate it that you continued to lie (by omission) and then if it does come out will want to know about the other 3. If you come clean now, you may laugh about it as a white lie and move on. If she cannot forgive the lie (remember the issue isn't that you are not a virgin but that you fiddled the books) then you will see if you want to be with someone incapable of forgiving a mistake.
JustMe123 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I'm a virgin and if my man lied about his #, and I learned about it later, I'd flip out. Not only that but I would 100% breakup with him if it ever surfaced. It may not matter to you, but it will matter to her. But as stated above if you think you can keep it a secret then by all means good luck... but each day that passes will make it worse. Like I said it's up to you but if it were me I would without a doubt want to know.
VinaAmez Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I'd say let it be unless it's going to bug you. If you do tell her then be honest with why you lied. She'll want to know. Also be prepared for her to ask what else you lied about. Shouldn't have told her a number anyway.
JeanQueen Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I'm a virgin and if my man lied about his #, and I learned about it later, I'd flip out. Not only that but I would 100% breakup with him if it ever surfaced. Wow, that seems a bit harsh. I wouldn't tell her. Especailly if these other people were just random hook-ups.
Shizz Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I think in the end its a question only you can answer. You must way the facts, and come to a conclusion. The fact that you've been with four or one is only a valid guilt if its your conscience its waying upon. Either way, you told her you weren't, so you were being honest with her. (I've known some really nasty guys, who have lied about being virgins, just so they could pop the cherry and run.) Now, the question you really have to ask, is to do or not to do? If you tell her there was more than one, then you will have told her the truth, and at the very least she cannot fault you that. On the other hand telling her, you've slept with four different women might add stress to your relationship, and physical relationship. The thoughts that will run through her head are, She's a virgin, she's not experienced, you are. What if she isn't any good, or as good as one of your old partners, and you start looking for someone else. In the end its your choice, but I think you should look at the effects it might have, for either option.
Walk Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I vote don't tell. A.) Doesn't matter if you slept with 1 or 4, a virgin is still going to hold it against you that "she" wasn't your first. B.) The numbers Do NOT matter. What matters is how you treat your partner, how problems are resolved, and communication. It doesn't mean 100% honesty 100% of the time. I didn't tell my bf about two guys I slept with. It doesn't matter. It doesn't affect OUR relationship, and doesn't reflect how I FEEL about my bf. That is MY past, My business, and has absolutely nothing to do with my partner now. NOTHING. The only way it could become my partners business is if the past sexual partners could have put my partner at risk for an STD. THen it's his business to know that. In my view, its better to save your partner from hearing all the gory details of past sexual exploits if the partner isn't capable of having an open mind about it. A virgin is NOT capable. No matter how open minded she is or how much she might want to be, she won't be able to accept the number.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I vote don't tell. A.) Doesn't matter if you slept with 1 or 4, a virgin is still going to hold it against you that "she" wasn't your first. B.) The numbers Do NOT matter. What matters is how you treat your partner, how problems are resolved, and communication. It doesn't mean 100% honesty 100% of the time. I didn't tell my bf about two guys I slept with. It doesn't matter. It doesn't affect OUR relationship, and doesn't reflect how I FEEL about my bf. That is MY past, My business, and has absolutely nothing to do with my partner now. NOTHING. The only way it could become my partners business is if the past sexual partners could have put my partner at risk for an STD. Then it's his business to know that. In my view, its better to save your partner from hearing all the gory details of past sexual exploits if the partner isn't capable of having an open mind about it. A virgin is NOT capable. No matter how open minded she is or how much she might want to be, she won't be able to accept the number. Exactly! Well said!
che_jesse Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Personally I think most virgins out there have their panties all up in a wad over nothing and you should be able to just let it be and leave your past just that, your past. But. Belive me when I tell you that your girlfriend remembers EVERYTHING you ever tell her about your past relationships and who you slept with. You might not, but she will. People have a way of forgetting the lies they tell or not informing everyone that knows about the lie that they should lie as well, eventually it will come out. You will slip up one day and mention it or someone else will, **** will hit the fan then because she will start thinking all sorts of aweful things about you. Better to just stick with the truth in situations like this. It will save you lots of bull**** later. The thoughts that will run through her head are, She's a virgin, she's not experienced, you are. What if she isn't any good, or as good as one of your old partners, and you start looking for someone else.[/Quote] I never thought like this before I lost my virginity, Hell I flat out refused to do it with anyone that was a virgin, you need to have at least one person that knows what the hell they are doing. Seems to me like two virgins together are just condeming eachother to lifetime of bad sex.
Guest Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 What if she asked outright for a number? How would you reply? I am in a similar situation. I am 29 and have slept with 3 people (2 of those were really ltr), that seems low to me, but the guy I am with now is a virgin. He has not asked me about my past yet, but I am worried 3 will seem like a lot to him. He is 23. I feel your pain.
jusified Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I'm a tell the truth, be honest and all on the table kind of guy in a relatonship. If she really likes you it shouldn't matter, if it did bother her you should talk to her about how you see it and how you feel about her as well. The thing with not telling is that eventually when she finds out, it might seem like a fundamental lie which can break the relationship. And to guest, 3 isn't much, and if he loves you he will understand.
Leahh Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 IMO it isn't really about the sex partners per se but really just about not being up front with her... i'd tell her.
justagirliegirl Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 For some odd reason numbers seem to be a whole lot more important to young people. Why is that? What about this situation. Say as a young person you slept around and really don't have any idea of the numbers. Then you got married and only slept with your spouse and say for 10 of those years of marriage it was a sexless marriage. Then you get a divorce and start dating and meet a special someone you want to have sex with. There really is no need to tell them you slept with lots of people 30 years ago is there? You don't have any STDs. I really see no point in discussing numbers. They know you aren't a virgin. You were married and have kids!
Walk Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Next time (Alex) that you get into a relationship; either never give a number for sexual past partners at all, or tell the truth up front. I think you need to look into why you lied in the first place. The problem this girl will have with the lie (if she ever finds out) is that she'll believe you lied about who you are to her. If you're lying so that you can present yourself as someone different so she'll continue liking you, then you aren't being fair to either of you. THe numbers don't even freaking matter though. What really matters is whether or not YOU are presenting yourself as a different person in order to keep her with you. Are you being truthful about yourself and who you are, or hiding yourself from her? Six months from now, is she going to wonder who the hell you are because suddenly the "real" you came out? I'm just saying, you need to believe in who you are, and that you don't need this persons approval in order to be a great person. If she likes you for the real deal, then you'll know you have something worth keeping. If you're hiding parts of yourself because you fear she won't like them, then you'll always wonder if she really loves you for who you are, or if its just for who you told her you were. I'm not talking about number fudging here. I'm talking about mindsets, personalities, outlooks on life, opinions, experiences, etc.
oppath Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 WAIT!!!!!!! Did you tell her explicitly you only slept with one woman? Or did you only tell her you weren't a virgin, and she is under the impression you only slept with one woman? I prefer not to tell any woman I'm with my number -- it's not outrageously high, it's not low -- I think around 10 for a 27 year old man is pretty much spot on normal. If a girl asks me my number, I say "it doesn't matter. I haven't been a total slut, I've always used protection. I choose to be with you." If you explicitly told her "MY NUMBER IS 1", good luck brah! You lied. She might be pissed as hell, she might not care, I can't read minds. Since she's a virgin she's likely to be pissed. If you didn't tell her explicitly 1, it's her problem. It's not lying by omission in this case.
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