Uncovered

[starbuck59]

Being new here I have not posted much about my story. My MM recently decided to go back to his marriage for the sake of his kids. While naturally I was devastated and knowing how truly torn he had always been, I really didn't put up much of a fight. I didn't call him names, just told him I thought he deserved a better life. I saw no point in trying to do anything about it. What purpose would it serve? I decided I would just attempt to get over it and move on. He told me if it weren't for the situation he would give me everything I ever wanted. I know that he has no feelings for his wife and she is horrible. He did feel guilty about everything and although it took a long time at least he made a decision, albeit a cowardly one. So I've spent the past few days and weeks feeling devastated because I truly do love him. Anyway, in all the time this has been going on between him and me (2.5 years) his wife only ever found one email from me to him that never really mentioned anything. He and I had been talking at work about a medical condition of my sister's and he was attempting to make me feel better. She flipped out of course. Well, wouldn't you know that now after he initiated no contact and we were attempting to go our separate ways he leaves his email unattended and his wife found tons of emails of ours. She emailed me saying I needed to leave him alone. After discovering this, he had lots of time to delete everything - like an entire day. So I emailed him and told him I was devastated that we weren't together but was trying to accept it but that I was upset that after all this time she finds everything. He emailed me back and said he was taking the password off his laptop and that if I did email him again everyone would see what I wrote. Well, thinking that he would delete all the emails we had written, being that he is rather great with technology, and that he wouldn't want any more turmoil she sits down and reads a ton of other emails. Now I cannot for the life of me figure out why he would let that happen. I know he was upset with having to give me up for the sake of his kids and probably wondering what to do with his life so I can see how he would not be thinking clearly. However, I just can't believe that after all this time and when he had attempted to let me go that this all blows up in his face. I have to admit, I feel really bad for some reason for my part in all of this. I never set out to hurt anyone or anyone's family. It's just....a strange coincidence that it happens now of all times. So my question to all of you is.....being how good he is with computers and that he had decided to go back for his kids....how on Earth could he have screwed up like this.........TWICE? Beyond that....I really feel horrible right now for my part in this. I truly never meant to hurt anyone as I know we all never mean to do.....we were the greatest of friends and had a wonderful relationship and I do believe that if in another life without all his attachments we would have had a great life. I believed we could/can have a great life now. I wonder if somehow he resents me for this. I really tried to be a good person about his choice even though I should be truly angry with him. I just feel that I ruined a bunch of lives and I never wanted to cause him unhappiness. Granted since his wife only wants money and security and always used his kids as a weapon I am sure that once she remembers that she will take him back even though her emails to me indicated her level of upset with both of us. Can't say I blame her.....I just feel horrible.

 

Thoughts?

[Babybird]

I had a couple of thoughts when I was reading your post. The first is that this guy is a jerk! I normally try to give MM the benefit of the doubt but I can't with this guy.

 

My first thought is he left all of this info where she could find it on purpose. obviously, she doesn't trust him and she is going to go looking for evidence that he is having an A. Hence why she found all of the old e-mails. BTW: why did he save them? Most MM delete them so there isn't anything to find.

 

Now my second thought, the more hopeful and probably delusional one, is that he wanted her to find the e-mails so she would give him the boot.

 

After reading this I would seriously reconsider exactly how this man feels about you. He's with you for 9 months and then goes back to his wife, leaves the e-mails where she can find them, and doesn't talk to you except to say that he's removing the password so she can read them??? I don't know. It sounds really fishy to me. For some reason I doubt that he is trying to get everything out in the open so he can salvage whats left of his M. It just seems so weird.

[starbuck59]

Thanks for your thoughts. This really has me upset and confused. It's weird that he decides on a course to take, leaves things unattended and everything comes out in the open. The has time to fix it and doesn't? It just seemed up until all this weirdness he was going to make the best of things until his kids were older. My first reaction was that he had truly lost his mind. I'm not sure what to do....not that I can really do anything. I just hate that all this has come to this.......

[whichwayisup]

Try to make your own closure and move on. He isn't going to help you get any closure and you need to stay in NC mode for your own sanity.

 

Bottomline, he is married, he fed you some lines of bullcrap - Just like what he said to his wife, or sorry, didn't say, he was betraying and lying to her.

 

Just be happy you're no longer part of that rollercoaster ride. Heal and move on, don't look back.

[starbuck59]

My first thought is he left all of this info where she could find it on purpose. obviously, she doesn't trust him and she is going to go looking for evidence that he is having an A. Hence why she found all of the old e-mails. BTW: why did he save them? Most MM delete them so there isn't anything to find.

 

Now my second thought, the more hopeful and probably delusional one, is that he wanted her to find the e-mails so she would give him the boot.

 

For some reason I doubt that he is trying to get everything out in the open so he can salvage whats left of his M. It just seems so weird.

 

I have no idea why he saved them. He used to save all of them when we first started talking. I think he had really felt alone in his life aside from his kids. I cannot comprehend why he wouldn't have deleted every single one of them after she found this or after he decided to just stay there for the kids. Prior to him leaving to be with me, he had deleted everything so that there was no trail.

I don't believe he wants to salvage his marriage as he said there wasn't really a future for them. I think he wanted to try and do what he feels is best for his kids. While my personal belief is that you should attempt to make a marriage work until there is nothing left to do, I am not someone that believes that fighting and arguing is best for kids. Then again, I feel horrible for my part in all of this.

 

This is definitely a mystery to me but thanks for your take on it.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, one thing is for certain and that is that he wanted her to find them unless for some reason she had complete control over his computer until he took the password off.

 

Why? My first thought was that he didn't want to have to tell her himself. It's no fun telling someone something that is going to rock their world even when it wasn't by your own hand. So possibly at this point he wants everything upfront for a fresh start. You actually can't EVER renew a marriage with out total disclosure if there is to be even the slightest chance of survival.

 

Babybird suggested that maybe he wants his wife to kick him out, and that is also a very large possibility. Here is a man who has admitted by his actions that he is too much of a coward to take responsibility and control of his life. So yea, this to me is equally as possible. I also got a big belly laugh at the fact that she thinks he's a jerk because of how he's treating someone he has been in a secret R with for 9 months! This man admitted it outright the first time he had any inappropriate contact with a woman other than is wife, so that's no big revelation!

 

Granted since his wife only wants money and security and always used his kids as a weapon I am sure that once she remembers that she will take him back even though her emails to me indicated her level of upset with both of us.

 

And you know this how? Because he told you, at the same time he's telling her he loves her and there is noone else. And she want HIS MONEY, and security, Please please tell me what else he offers to her or what else she could ever expect from him. Money and security is all he has cared to offer her. Do you love him for his money and his security, NO that's not even offered you. You love/want him for what he does offer you, she can be no different. It is impossible to love someone for something that they with hold from you or do not offer you, that his wife only wants money is nonsensical and you seem smarter than that.

 

 

The unfortunate truth is starbucks, whomever wins the affections of this man looses.

Walk away from this man and you win in the long run!

[Lizzie60]

I wonder if somehow he resents me for this.

 

No.. I don't think so..why woud he? It's HIS fault not yours that he left the emails there. And I'm sure you ARE a good person... Affairs don't make people 'bad'. There are always two sides.

 

Strange though that he forgot this if he was good with computers.

 

This happened to me last year... I was seeing this MM...he was deleting all the emails right away... one afternoon, he left his laptop on the dining table...

 

She checked his emails... and the 'sent emails'... he deleted all his emails but forgot the 'sent' part... there was tons of emails.. she quickly forward most of them to her account so she could read them later. She had my name, etc.

 

He lied about the A... he called me... begging me that, if she would call me, to deny the whole thing... he was scared, he had too much to lose, he always told me he was in love with his wife (2nd wife)... how beautiful she was...blablabla... They had lots of money so the financial aspect was also a big issue for him.. he didn't want to lose his company, etc.

 

Anyway, I promised him I wouldn't 'squeel' on him.. he said they were going in counselling... We talked over the phone a few times after that... and we bumped into each other once... but we never saw each other again...

 

He told me one time, that once, they'd be in counselling, and the whole thing would be settled down... he would call me back... LOL... once a cheater... in this case anyway.

 

So I never thought it was MY fault... I had no control over his computer. But I guess he learned a valuable lesson...

[starbuck59]

Well, one thing is for certain and that is that he wanted her to find them unless for some reason she had complete control over his computer until he took the password off.

 

Why? My first thought was that he didn't want to have to tell her himself. It's no fun telling someone something that is going to rock their world even when it wasn't by your own hand. So possibly at this point he wants everything upfront for a fresh start. You actually can't EVER renew a marriage with out total disclosure if there is to be even the slightest chance of survival.

 

Babybird suggested that maybe he wants his wife to kick him out, and that is also a very large possibility. Here is a man who has admitted by his actions that he is too much of a coward to take responsibility and control of his life. So yea, this to me is equally as possible. I also got a big belly laugh at the fact that she thinks he's a jerk because of how he's treating someone he has been in a secret R with for 9 months! This man admitted it outright the first time he had any inappropriate contact with a woman other than is wife, so that's no big revelation!

 

Granted since his wife only wants money and security and always used his kids as a weapon I am sure that once she remembers that she will take him back even though her emails to me indicated her level of upset with both of us.

 

And you know this how? Because he told you, at the same time he's telling her he loves her and there is noone else. And she want HIS MONEY, and security, Please please tell me what else he offers to her or what else she could ever expect from him. Money and security is all he has cared to offer her. Do you love him for his money and his security, NO that's not even offered you. You love/want him for what he does offer you, she can be no different. It is impossible to love someone for something that they with hold from you or do not offer you, that his wife only wants money is nonsensical and you seem smarter than that.

 

 

The unfortunate truth is starbucks, whomever wins the affections of this man looses.

Walk away from this man and you win in the long run!

 

He and I have the exact same job so I am not really in need of financial support. From her own admission that I have heard from herself, she wants him around for security and financial support. While I do know that she has other issues like needing anger management and possible bipolar(that I've heard not only from him), I can't say that anyone is completely horrible. It's not possible that everything about their marriage is all bad. I can see your point and I will give serious thought to what you are saying. It does seem like he wanted her to find everything. I just have no idea why anymore. I realize it's the only way to renew a marriage but this is a situation that has been horrible from the start. It was one where they were just existing and seemed to float through life. I always wished he was man enough to take control of his life. However, I can also say that I should have been big enough to do the right thing myself. The guilt of all of this is becoming unbearable and I think I deserve it.

[starbuck59]

I wonder if somehow he resents me for this.

 

No.. I don't think so..why woud he? It's HIS fault not yours that he left the emails there. And I'm sure you ARE a good person... Affairs don't make people 'bad'. There are always two sides.

 

Strange though that he forgot this if he was good with computers.

 

She checked his emails... and the 'sent emails'... he deleted all his emails but forgot the 'sent' part... there was tons of emails.. she quickly forward most of them to her account so she could read them later. She had my name, etc.

 

He told me one time, that once, they'd be in counselling, and the whole thing would be settled down... he would call me back... LOL... once a cheater... in this case anyway.

 

So I never thought it was MY fault... I had no control over his computer. But I guess he learned a valuable lesson...

 

 

See that's the strange part....he is too smart to have not deleted everything in every folder of his email. I think that the guilt was really getting to him. Guilt over his kids, being involved with me, having made me wait, having done what he did to me and everyone. I felt the same way. It's almost as if he thought "I'll let her see everything and let the chips fall where they may." I feel truly horrible though right now for my part in this. The sad thing is that we work at the same place. For someone I've always been such great friends with and more it is just devastating that it turned out this way. Not to mention, all the people that are really upset and destroyed over it. I do feel like a bad person. In the beginning, I truly just wanted to help him. I've actually not talked to him more in the time I've known him than talked to him. I always wanted to do the right thing....just never seemed able. Now it's all out in the open and I truly feel terrible for all involved. Thanks for your comments though. They do help.

[Lizzie60]

See that's the strange part....he is too smart to have not deleted everything in every folder of his email. I think that the guilt was really getting to him. Guilt over his kids, being involved with me, having made me wait, having done what he did to me and everyone. I felt the same way. It's almost as if he thought "I'll let her see everything and let the chips fall where they may." I feel truly horrible though right now for my part in this. The sad thing is that we work at the same place. For someone I've always been such great friends with and more it is just devastating that it turned out this way. Not to mention, all the people that are really upset and destroyed over it. I do feel like a bad person. In the beginning, I truly just wanted to help him. I've actually not talked to him more in the time I've known him than talked to him. I always wanted to do the right thing....just never seemed able. Now it's all out in the open and I truly feel terrible for all involved. Thanks for your comments though. They do help.

 

You are way too hard on yourself...

 

Maybe he just forgot about the other folders... like my MM, last year... he was a very intelligent guy ... he knew how to delete all traces...but forgot one folder the 'sent folder'... even all his cell phone invoices that he destroyed...she asked him to get a copy of them... which he did but he got a software that he could 'change' the data on the bills...

 

Or maybe, in your case, he wanted her to find out... some MM like to live 'dangerously' ... I am currently seeing one guy (I also work with him, he's a manager but not in a different organization)... he is on the computer almost every night on MSN with me... he almost got caught a few times... he said he likes the 'rush' ...weird... every evening... he text messaged me while watching TV ...she's right there... Strange... he said that if he get caught... she will never kick him out ... long story..

[Trialbyfire]

It's part of the reconciliation process between MM and BW, full disclosure.

[Island Girl]

Granted since his wife only wants money and security and always used his kids as a weapon I am sure that once she remembers that she will take him back even though her emails to me indicated her level of upset with both of us. Can't say I blame her.....I just feel horrible.

 

If all she wanted was money and security he is worth more gone.

 

She has children and she'd get the home and with all of the e-mails she'd be able to prove infidelity and take him to the cleaners. And she'd have all the freedom to find another to be happy with. If she was out for money and security - and that's all she wanted - she has that hands down.

 

She is more emotionally invested than you think and he knows it - and you should never had bought this line from the MM. It is typical and so typically not true.

[Babybird]

Babybird suggested that maybe he wants his wife to kick him out, and that is also a very large possibility. Here is a man who has admitted by his actions that he is too much of a coward to take responsibility and control of his life. So yea, this to me is equally as possible. I also got a big belly laugh at the fact that she thinks he's a jerk because of how he's treating someone he has been in a secret R with for 9 months! This man admitted it outright the first time he had any inappropriate contact with a woman other than is wife, so that's no big revelation!

 

 

I agree, MM men are jerks. My jerk revelation was based on this particular MM living with her for months, then going back to W, THEN being discovered(most likely on purpose), AND treating her like sh*t for no reason.

 

He left(every OW's dream come true)....and then went back. I can't imagine what she is feeling. To top it off he is doing these things to her when she said so long and good luck. She isn't harassing him, calling his W and e-mailing him so whats the point in introducing his W to who she is name wise rather than telling her solely of his actions and the fact that he had an A? Does that make sense? I'm having a hard time trying to put my point into words.

 

He just seemed like an extraordinary jerk of a MM to me.

[norajane]

It does seem like he wanted her to find everything. I just have no idea why anymore. I realize it's the only way to renew a marriage but this is a situation that has been horrible from the start. It was one where they were just existing and seemed to float through life. I always wished he was man enough to take control of his life.

 

Oh, the twisted logic of a cheater...who can ever really understand what goes on in their mind? Here are my guesses:

 

- He was careless in his arrogance: he hadn't gotten caught while you were together, and then it was over, so it didn't occur to him that he could still get caught.

 

- Once he got caught, why do you think he had a whole day to delete emails? I'm unclear on this part, as I imagine if she'd seen a ton of emails the first time, why wouldn't she have just sat down and read everything at once? Or perhaps she forwarded them all to her own email and finished reading them later. In any case, even if he did have the time to delete things, he may have figured it wouldn't have made much difference if he had deleted anything. She had already read tons of emails and knew everything, so what difference would it make if there were more of the same? He got caught, so no point in trying to hide further.

 

- It's likely that, being a coward, he let her read everything because he does resent her for whatever he thinks her part is in their marital issues. Instead of confronting the problems in their marriage directly, he took the passive/aggressive route and let the emails do the talking for him.

[Trialbyfire]

I think most everyone agrees that it was deliberate. A techie guy would not do this by accident. Whether it is passive aggressive or part of the disclosure process, the end result is the same. He doesn't have to verbalize everything to his spouse.

[Ruby Tuesday]

MM may be good at computers, but I wouldn't doubt that his BW is more computer savvy than he is. If I were his BW, I would have already printed, copied and forwarded all the emails to myself.

 

The reason why we BS look for things like this is because we are gaslighted for so long, we need to seek the truth. There is a reason why she found them, whatever the reason may be, but now that she has found them all, the damage is done. Your secrets are out in the open.

 

I'm pretty sure that neither of you have been getting the truth. There is your truth and her truth and the tons of lies he's told you both. I think he is backing off from the affair because he is tired of the lies and the dual life.

 

You keep repeating "for the kids"... Well, wether he is back for the kids or not shouldnt make any difference to you, your A is over. I think that in my case, the xOW misses that rush. She misses that part of the affair that she had held onto for so long. She misses his secret calls, like in that song Lips Of An Angel like you have been cut off from the intimate messages to MM.

 

You may not like BW at all, but she probably doesn't care for you too much either. As far as she's concerned you're the outsider. All she asked of you was to leave him alone. That doesnt sound so horrible to me... but, here you are still talking to him. You may not be putting up a fight but your A still having it's affect on that marriage. In a few words or less, you've done enough damage to that marriage. You should leave it alone.

 

Their marriage may be bad but what do you call waiting for someone to break up so you could have it?

 

As for me, the xOW is still "waiting" for my husband. It has been a year now and nothing has changed. I feel like I have a sword over my head because of the xOW, but he wouldn't be here if he didn't love me and it's not just because of the kids. It doesnt make it harder on him, it makes it harder on me. See, I gave him to her. I gave him everything he wanted, but it had to be one or the other. He couldn't have both anymore.

[starbuck59]

MM may be good at computers, but I wouldn't doubt that his BW is more computer savvy than he is. If I were his BW, I would have already printed, copied and forwarded all the emails to myself.

 

The BW is definitely not more computer savvy than he is - trust me. Once he left and went back I made no effort to contact him. I've done nothing other than attempt to respect his wishes AND hers.

 

You keep repeating "for the kids"... Well, wether he is back for the kids or not shouldnt make any difference to you, your A is over. I think that in my case, the xOW misses that rush. She misses that part of the affair that she had held onto for so long. She misses his secret calls, like in that song Lips Of An Angel like you have been cut off from the intimate messages to MM.

 

This was never about having any sort of "rush." We were two people with a lot in common that were initially just very good friends. When he first came to me about the issues in his marriage I told him to talk to her about it because I didn't want to be responsible or involved. I also did that at a time when I had suffered a huge personal loss of a family member and honestly could have used some support. At that time he was already my best friend and I still gave that up trying to be respectful and do the right thing. I did not contact him until he contacted me saying he did not want to live like that anymore. I never coerced him. I always said that he had to do what he felt was best for all involved.

 

I am not saying what I have done is correct in fact the guilt is sometimes crippling to me. However, not all people in our position just set out to destroy a marriage. To be honest, if there weren't serious problems already these MM wouldn't go looking to begin with. Some people I think are in trouble or really upset with their lives and honestly just need help.

There is no love between them - I've heard that from her directly. In fact, they've both stated if it weren't for their kids they would have both left a long time ago. She has used guilt and manipulation on him with the kids, money, etc. That does not make her a good person either. She is a verbal abuser to him and his kids. So she has every right to despise me but I despise someone that acts the way she does. This is also information from sources other than him. I read in your reply that you gave him [your husband] to her. I have to say that that is rather amazing to me. You are definitely someone that can take a lot and still rise above the errors of other people even when it was hurtful to you.

 

I miss my best friend at the moment and the person I truly love. He meant/means a lot to me. I realize what he has done and all but it's not a switch that can be turned on and off. It wasn't my intent to love a MM. My parents were married almost 40 years before my father passed away. I grew up knowing what a good marriage was and I have been looking for the right person. Imagine my horror to think I found the right person only to have the cruel twist of fate that he was a MM. I never wanted to hurt anyone and to be honest I only ever really wanted to see him with a happy life and not an existence. I guess he needs to learn to straighten his own life out and I need to fix mine.

[vanilla chai]

The BW is definitely not more computer savvy than he is - trust me. Once he left and went back I made no effort to contact him. I've done nothing other than attempt to respect his wishes AND hers.

 

 

 

I always said that he had to do what he felt was best for all involved.

 

He did do what was best for "himself"

 

I am not saying what I have done is correct in fact the guilt is sometimes crippling to me. However, not all people in our position just set out to destroy a marriage. To be honest, if there weren't serious problems already these MM wouldn't go looking to begin with.

 

Did you ever think that it might be a flaw in him and thats why he cheated on his wfe?

 

 

There is no love between them - I've heard that from her directly. In fact, they've both stated if it weren't for their kids they would have both left a long time ago. She has used guilt and manipulation on him with the kids, money, etc.

 

And you know she did this or did you hear this from mm?

 

That does not make her a good person either. She is a verbal abuser to him and his kids. So she has every right to despise me but I despise someone that acts the way she does. This is also information from sources other than him. I read in your reply that you gave him [your husband] to her. I have to say that that is rather amazing to me. You are definitely someone that can take a lot and still rise above the errors of other people even when it was hurtful to you.

 

Why do the ow continue to take pot shots at the bw? So you definatly know that the bw is verbally abuse to her husband and kids?

[Ruby Tuesday]

You seem to know so much about her private life, but now it's fair game since she has found out so much about you. This is alot, a LTA is not something one can just sweep under the rug and forget about.

 

I'm pretty sure that she isn't going to be too happy to find out she has been demonized by the both of you to justify the affair. I'm also sure this marriage has been exaggerated and twisted until you (or even they) arent even sure what it is/was anymore. All roads lead back to the WS who will never have the conviction to face what he has done to either of you. Thats a fact.

 

Thats just one of the things I could never get about affairs. I mean, Im not judging you, just thinking out loud, but when is a persons intimate relationship issues anybody else's business? How is ones intimate relationship ever another womans business?

 

I'm telling ya, I've died a thousand deaths knowing how bad my husband used to put me down all the time. It wasn't right. I withdrew from him and put up a wall, so he found an OW to confide in instead. So then I had two people ganging up on me, laughing at me. How dumb and ignorant I was because I believed where he said he would be. Yeah. Stupid me... except stupid me wasnt out messing around. Stupid me kept a home and acted like the responsible one while daddy went hot tubbing in the neighbor's backyard.

 

If the roles were reversed, would you want her to know all the bad things about you? How would you feel if MM betrayed all your secrets? Put you down? Humiliated you in front of friends and family so that they would mirror his exact opinion of you?

 

I'm telling you that a marriage is between two people and no one else, even if you think you know everything, you really don't. This new hardship will definately test wether they can make it through it or not. If she is a good and loving wife she will sacrifice herself yet again for the greater good and if he is a fool he will lose her forever, and he'll be there for the taking.

[starbuck59]

You seem to know so much about her private life, but now it's fair game since she has found out so much about you. This is alot, a LTA is not something one can just sweep under the rug and forget about.

 

I'm pretty sure that she isn't going to be too happy to find out she has been demonized by the both of you to justify the affair. I'm also sure this marriage has been exaggerated and twisted until you (or even they) arent even sure what it is/was anymore. All roads lead back to the WS who will never have the conviction to face what he has done to either of you. Thats a fact.

 

If the roles were reversed, would you want her to know all the bad things about you? How would you feel if MM betrayed all your secrets? Put you down? Humiliated you in front of friends and family so that they would mirror his exact opinion of you?

 

I'm telling you that a marriage is between two people and no one else, even if you think you know everything, you really don't. This new hardship will definately test wether they can make it through it or not. If she is a good and loving wife she will sacrifice herself yet again for the greater good and if he is a fool he will lose her forever, and he'll be there for the taking.

 

I realize you are thinking from your personal experience. However, not every situation is identical to yours. How do I know so much? Because various people know her. I've even seen her actions at some events. She's known to have anger management issues and other problems. People in troubled relationships seek the help of someone that will listen and try to help them. She has every right to know about me. Through everything she has done to him he did not always paint her in a bad light. he always comments on the good things she does. Not all situations are the same. Btw, some people seem to truly stay in marriages for the wrong reasons. Not every BW stays for the right reasons even before the A. I realize that someone in my position has caused you pain but I feel it is unfair that you are imagining things that I have said and done. Again, I am not saying the A was the right thing to do in the slightest but let's put some credit on the breakdown of that marriage where it also belongs. Things were not going well at all largely due to his W. Where do I know this? A number of people and my own eyes and ears. Here's one example, at a outside event you never berate, demean, and scream horrible things at your H and your own children. I saw that myself. Part of the problem he had is that he never told anyone, not even his own parents, all the things that were going on and all the things that had happened between him and his W. He never felt it was right to do that. How do I know that? I've seen emails from his parents. I know when i first met him I knew him over a year and he never said a word but I could always tell by the look on his face when he would even look at her picture. I was only friends with him then and didn't see him much. Not every situation is the same. It would be difficult for me to sit here and describe all the things I've seen for myself or that have happened. Sometimes people are in bad situations and just do not know how to get out of them or lack the courage. You might say I am one of them because I wish I done things differently.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Dont be suprised about just how common and everyday now that these situations are, but then again, a lot of people claim they're different even though it's not as they'd like to think. You're still hanging onto the dream that he's doing it for the kids. Either way, their marriage should be irrelevant to you as it is to me, because you just dont know everything you think you do, or you'd have been with him by now.

[outofdarkness]

Well, one thing is for certain and that is that he wanted her to find them unless for some reason she had complete control over his computer until he took the password off.

 

Why? My first thought was that he didn't want to have to tell her himself. It's no fun telling someone something that is going to rock their world even when it wasn't by your own hand. So possibly at this point he wants everything upfront for a fresh start. You actually can't EVER renew a marriage with out total disclosure if there is to be even the slightest chance of survival.

 

Babybird suggested that maybe he wants his wife to kick him out, and that is also a very large possibility. Here is a man who has admitted by his actions that he is too much of a coward to take responsibility and control of his life. So yea, this to me is equally as possible. I also got a big belly laugh at the fact that she thinks he's a jerk because of how he's treating someone he has been in a secret R with for 9 months! This man admitted it outright the first time he had any inappropriate contact with a woman other than is wife, so that's no big revelation!

 

Granted since his wife only wants money and security and always used his kids as a weapon I am sure that once she remembers that she will take him back even though her emails to me indicated her level of upset with both of us.

 

And you know this how? Because he told you, at the same time he's telling her he loves her and there is noone else. And she want HIS MONEY, and security, Please please tell me what else he offers to her or what else she could ever expect from him. Money and security is all he has cared to offer her. Do you love him for his money and his security, NO that's not even offered you. You love/want him for what he does offer you, she can be no different. It is impossible to love someone for something that they with hold from you or do not offer you, that his wife only wants money is nonsensical and you seem smarter than that.

 

 

The unfortunate truth is starbucks, whomever wins the affections of this man looses.

Walk away from this man and you win in the long run!

lol..got a kick out of the the poster's screen name!! Some of you know what I mean..I think you summed up your thoughts beautifully...The main thing that came to MY mind was as you said..HOW does she know that what he is telling her re: His W, is true??? They ALL tell their OW's that...

[smartgirl]

In my opinion, he left the email available to her on purpose. By letter her see the whole ugly mess, he knows she will now be viligant and will help him to stay faithful and not drift back into the A.

 

I think he decided the guilt was too much and wanted to return to living just one life. Living the double life gets exhausting. If he called off the A and moved home it is because he wants to be there. But likely he is still in the throes of the addiction and is afraid of backsliding. If she knows everything, the cowardly way, it will make it harder for him. He is a first class coward all the way around.