ICS Posted May 15, 2007 Posted May 15, 2007 I have a few questions that came up today: Is it ok to be friends with the ex after a period of isolation, or is it best to let bygones be bygones? More than 6 months have past since I broke up with my ex and I still think about her alot.. daily. Am I just different or is it usual for people to think of their ex every single day after they broke up? It's really starting to kill me, particularly because I am single now and the most recent and best (and worst) times of my life existed in the timeframe of my relationship with my ex. I want to contact her so badly... to get rid of this uneasiness I feel everyday. Strange as it may sound, at the end of each day I feel as though something is missing from my life, and I believe it's because I subconsciously place the goal of "talking with my ex again" as an ultimate goal of my everyday life. Should I contact her? I am lost and confused.
kepners Posted May 15, 2007 Posted May 15, 2007 i know about these thoughts... i have tried being friends with her and it worked... till we exploded and now i am blocked and deleted. all i have to say is, try it... if it works then cool but if it dont... you'll be head over heals for someone who wants nothing more to do with you. its just the other side of the coin that i thought would never happen for me. hey ho we live and learn.
SuperMike Posted May 15, 2007 Posted May 15, 2007 Perhaps it's just the way I am, but I feel that once a relationship amongst two lovers tarnishes, there can be no friendship. It sounds cold, however it's a better way to cope with separation. You have to take into consideration the reason for your breakup; did it have to do with a lack of interest, potential desire for others, or simply cheating. I sometimes think about my exs as well, it's only natural. You have to now realize...it's water under the bridge, what will you do to improve, and where will you look next. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle......G.I. JOE!
Lizzie60 Posted May 15, 2007 Posted May 15, 2007 I have a few questions that came up today: Is it ok to be friends with the ex after a period of isolation, or is it best to let bygones be bygones? More than 6 months have past since I broke up with my ex and I still think about her alot.. daily. Am I just different or is it usual for people to think of their ex every single day after they broke up? It's really starting to kill me, particularly because I am single now and the most recent and best (and worst) times of my life existed in the timeframe of my relationship with my ex. I want to contact her so badly... to get rid of this uneasiness I feel everyday. Strange as it may sound, at the end of each day I feel as though something is missing from my life, and I believe it's because I subconsciously place the goal of "talking with my ex again" as an ultimate goal of my everyday life. Should I contact her? I am lost and confused. But in order to be 'best' or just friends, she/he has to feel that there is no expectations (sexual, etc.) I remained friend with all my exes, relationships or dates, with no exception, I am still in contact (email or phone) with most of them... And after a period of isolation with my last ex, we were having sex on a regular basis... (I know I know... this is not what I said in my first sentence) but in our case, there was no more 'love' involved... I had moved on... (I left him) and he's been with someone else since... he's getting married this summer. We like each other's company... we have a much better 'relationship' now that we have when we were together. We know each other soo much... we can talk about everything now, even our sexual life... So it is definitely possible... it depends on each individual, it has to go both ways. Good luck if that's really what you want... remember ...no expectation for more than just a great friendship!
AriaIncognito Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 It's totally possible, once you are TOTALLY over them. Meaning, you have 0 want or thoughts or reuniting. I was with a guy for 4 years and we broke up in 2000. We have maintained a bit of a friendship, but nothing anywhere near as close as we were obviously. I went to his wedding in 2002 and recall still not being totally over it, yet. I think it was 2002. ANyway... With my current ex, no way I can be friends right now. I want to be with him more than anything in the freaking world. I miss him terribly and know I can't just be a friend right now. It sucks.
Author ICS Posted May 17, 2007 Author Posted May 17, 2007 Many thoughts went through my head yesterday. How is life like if you stop all contact with your ex, but then continue to think about her everyday without ever seeing her again? Assuming that the relationship didn't end in a disaster, would that make the memory of the ex a more beautiful one. I can't help wondering though-what's worse; to live with a more beautiful memory of the ex (but never talking to her again), or to re-contact the ex and never have the feeling of emptiness from not seeing her/talking to her (but possibly having her re-introduction into your life stir up certain feelings from the past while you are constructing a new life on the side). So, what of it? A mere memory, or a living reality? I would love some insight on this. By the way, we were in an on-off relationship for almost 5 years before, and have not talked to or seen each other since November.
randuff Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 I think that if you have these feelings for her, still talking to her may complicate things if she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It's a sticky situation. She may also think the same things you are and want to contact you as well. Tough to say, if you don't call you may never know, but if you do call you may get heartbroken again. Not much help but just my thoughts.
krzr Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 better to leave it and have the memories i think contact will only dilute those memories because feelings will not be reciprocated. no contact since november might as well continue on with that but u should do what u feel so u do not regret anything u know this person the best.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 It is possible - I've done it with two exes now, my first boyfriend of 6 years and my second of 5 years, all in my twenties. But there has to be rules... 1) Both parties have to have got to the point where there are no longer "in love" feelings. This happened about 6 months after my first boyfriend and about a year after the second. Thats the point where you just look back and smile at all the happy memories and dont hold either of you responsible for the bad stuff that went on. 2) You have to be fully aware of your new position in their life i.e. as a friend, I dont have the power to tell my ex boyfriend what to do anymore. They have to become proper friends 3) It has to be worthwhile. Some exes just aren't friend material. Some are. I trust my exes as friends now and vice versa. We dont live in each others pockets, we see each other sporadically and catch up with each others lives. We also have lots of mutual friends and this relationship makes it easier on friends who sometimes feel caught in the middle 4) Lastly, there's a chance that a friendship with an ex can have ramifications on a new relationship that you're in. Its sometimes hard for a new partner to understand that this person who you spent so many happy times with, mentally, emotionally and physically, could not mean more than just a friend. From your words, it sounds like there are feelings there so friendship maybe subconsiously reconcilation for you. The void you talk about though cannot be filled by a person - it needs to be filled by you Good luck x
polywog Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 It is possible - I've done it with two exes now, my first boyfriend of 6 years and my second of 5 years, all in my twenties. But there has to be rules... 1) Both parties have to have got to the point where there are no longer "in love" feelings. This happened about 6 months after my first boyfriend and about a year after the second. Thats the point where you just look back and smile at all the happy memories and dont hold either of you responsible for the bad stuff that went on. 2) You have to be fully aware of your new position in their life i.e. as a friend, I dont have the power to tell my ex boyfriend what to do anymore. They have to become proper friends 3) It has to be worthwhile. Some exes just aren't friend material. Some are. I trust my exes as friends now and vice versa. We dont live in each others pockets, we see each other sporadically and catch up with each others lives. We also have lots of mutual friends and this relationship makes it easier on friends who sometimes feel caught in the middle 4) Lastly, there's a chance that a friendship with an ex can have ramifications on a new relationship that you're in. Its sometimes hard for a new partner to understand that this person who you spent so many happy times with, mentally, emotionally and physically, could not mean more than just a friend. From your words, it sounds like there are feelings there so friendship maybe subconsiously reconcilation for you. The void you talk about though cannot be filled by a person - it needs to be filled by you Good luck x Excellent post, JNRR. I especially like #4, because I had not thought of that, and it's so true... I've stayed friends with nearly all my exes, after the feelings got worked through. Ironically, the only one who hasn't reciprocated is my ex-H, tho he initiated our ending, and I recently found out he cheated on me so I guess he feels guilty or something. I've also like my ex's new gfs and spouses.
WhiteKnight Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 Many thoughts went through my head yesterday. How is life like if you stop all contact with your ex, but then continue to think about her everyday without ever seeing her again? Assuming that the relationship didn't end in a disaster, would that make the memory of the ex a more beautiful one. I can't help wondering though-what's worse; to live with a more beautiful memory of the ex (but never talking to her again), or to re-contact the ex and never have the feeling of emptiness from not seeing her/talking to her (but possibly having her re-introduction into your life stir up certain feelings from the past while you are constructing a new life on the side). So, what of it? A mere memory, or a living reality? I would love some insight on this. By the way, we were in an on-off relationship for almost 5 years before, and have not talked to or seen each other since November. To share my thoughts, staying not in contact works out in some ways. However the thing is though that most of the time you would feel very alone and cut off for a long period of time. Unfortunately, you may recall the good times and the bad after a period of time and wonder if you will ever become friends with your ex again, sometimes its not meant to be. If it was a disasterous ending to the relationship, it would take a few months or so for you and your ex to recover by moving onto someone else and perhaps that barrier of no contact forces you to end your feelings for that person etc. Now I will admit, if the relationship did not end in a disaster and was a good ending that bloomed? Well I have to say I did experience it and myself and my ex have become friends ever since. Even when I know that she is married and all, I just let her be the intiator to all conversations and talk to her when required to. We haven't scene each other in person again, at least not yet but we are slowly working out on things to try and recover the friendship that we once had. I have to admit that 're-contacting an ex' if you were the initiator would prove to be difficult at the start of any conversation because you would have to think which conversations would be best to start off in a neutral way and which are better off in the long run. Whenever your ex says that she doesn't want to see you again but online friendship is fine. I just usually cut them off at that point and walk away totally because I go into acceptance and it was there words that came out whether its true of them to say it from there heart or not... well, let's just say there would be some guilt there. For me when I did that with my latest ex, she whined and soon realised what she had done and went... "Oh no!" After like 2 - 3 months later, I though to give the friendship a try again and let her do the talking. Then she realised she had feelings deep down inside of me because she valued my friendship and realised I cared about her and wanted things to work out on best terms so we could sort the friendship out in a way where we are content with. Slowly, little by little she is doing things to try and forget the past about the bad things about me and try to develop a respect for that person which she has in a way. Also she talks to me casually and we are getting along well, whenever we don't talk to each other though... I miss her, and same with her. But you have to look at it in this way, your ex is not obligated to you anymore. Not really part of your life but she/he would be apart of your life in a manner of them being around you as a friend, who acts like a shield or a listener to you but doesn't really want to get involved in things that don't suit them. However, it all depends on what you want and they want. Most likely you should be in control of stating what you want... and how you value them. Tell them how a friendship with them means to you and perhaps they might tell ya in return But mind you, if you are quite content that they haven't spoken to you in a few months or so. Let them go, perhaps they are busy or have nothing worthwhile to discuss with you. Who knows whatever the reason may be. The only way to look into a 'mere memory' of something, I would say think about what was good about that person and how it changed your life. For example... With my ex, I was weak minded and let myself care out for many others unneccesarily. Also it made me feel in general a bit weak, but after the break up which my ex initiated it. I walked away and tried to be in a relationship with someone else. After when my ex found out, she was upset about it... and had feelings for me. However, through time I came to realise and respect that she changed my life in a way that I had become more mature, headstrong, honest and perhaps more in control of my feelings in a way. At least that was something good from it. Those are my thoughts.
CaliGuy Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 When it's OK to be friends with an ex: When you can think of them having sex with someone else and it doesn't bother you. When it's NOT OK to be friends with an ex: When you still love them. Those are the rules. Find out which one applies to you and follow it. Ultimately I would ask you "What can your ex provide to you as a friend that no one else can?" My guess??? Nothing.
Author ICS Posted May 18, 2007 Author Posted May 18, 2007 Caliguy, you are absolutely right that she can provide nothing for me. On the flipside, I can't help feeling that I'll be happier with her still being a part of my life. She doesn't have to do anything.. all she has to do is to be there. Perhaps I prefer this "blanket of comfort" that comes from communicating with the ex, or maybe I am just too much of a sentimental person that can't let go of the past, even though I know and understand that I won't be in a relationship with her again. Sometimes when I finish my workday and drive home with the windows down, I feel alive again because despite the dark, empty streets, I can't see it, but I can feel the presence of the wind brushing past me. It's a cold, chilly breeze, yet it's comforting as well to know that I am not alone in the dark. When it comes to my ex, I feel the same way too because the void that she has left has been bothering me more and more as the days go by. I hope this made sense. Tonight I just sent her a simple message and told her to not be a stranger, and that we should chat sometimes. The ball is in her court now.
CaliGuy Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 Caliguy, you are absolutely right that she can provide nothing for me. On the flipside, I can't help feeling that I'll be happier with her still being a part of my life. She doesn't have to do anything.. all she has to do is to be there. That's your heart fooling you. You still love her and as such, if you hang out iwth her as a friend you will only delay your healing. Perhaps I prefer this "blanket of comfort" that comes from communicating with the ex, or maybe I am just too much of a sentimental person that can't let go of the past, even though I know and understand that I won't be in a relationship with her again. If you understand that then there is absolutely no benefit to being friends. None whatsoever. Sometimes when I finish my workday and drive home with the windows down, I feel alive again because despite the dark, empty streets, I can't see it, but I can feel the presence of the wind brushing past me. It's a cold, chilly breeze, yet it's comforting as well to know that I am not alone in the dark. When it comes to my ex, I feel the same way too because the void that she has left has been bothering me more and more as the days go by. I hope this made sense. The problem is the void she left is because you depending on her for your happiness and not yourself. Once you learn to make yourself happy, completely alone, you will have taken a huge step towards understand how to make someone else happy. To know how to love, you must first love yourself. To know how to respect someone else you first have to respect yourself. To know how to make someone else happy you first have to know how to make yourself happy. Got it? Tonight I just sent her a simple message and told her to not be a stranger, and that we should chat sometimes. The ball is in her court now. I wouldn't have done that. No matter how you meant it, to her it says "I am still pining for you.........." It sounds needy and clingy. And it is.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 Caliguy, you are absolutely right that she can provide nothing for me. On the flipside, I can't help feeling that I'll be happier with her still being a part of my life. She doesn't have to do anything.. all she has to do is to be there. Perhaps I prefer this "blanket of comfort" that comes from communicating with the ex, or maybe I am just too much of a sentimental person that can't let go of the past, even though I know and understand that I won't be in a relationship with her again. Sometimes when I finish my workday and drive home with the windows down, I feel alive again because despite the dark, empty streets, I can't see it, but I can feel the presence of the wind brushing past me. It's a cold, chilly breeze, yet it's comforting as well to know that I am not alone in the dark. When it comes to my ex, I feel the same way too because the void that she has left has been bothering me more and more as the days go by. I hope this made sense. Tonight I just sent her a simple message and told her to not be a stranger, and that we should chat sometimes. The ball is in her court now. Can I ask ICS, if you had a new partner, would it be so important that you were friends with your ex - or that she provided a security blanket? Just like CaliGuy says, you are delaying your healing by wanting someone to provide emotional security for you when they are no longer in an emotional relationship with you. You ARE delaying your healing. You need to fill your life to them brim with other things. Interests, friends, new beginnings, work, everything you can think of to replace the void you're feeling. Throw yourself back into your life. Your question should not be "Can you be friends with an ex". IMO in your individual situation that you describe it should be "How can I fill the void that my ex has left". Polywog - thanks. I think that guilt of a ex-partner for reasons known to them should be added to # five of the list. Sometimes it not the person that they dont want to include in their lives, its the person they became when they were with that person that they want to bury in the past.
Author ICS Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 Can I ask ICS, if you had a new partner, would it be so important that you were friends with your ex - or that she provided a security blanket? Just like CaliGuy says, you are delaying your healing by wanting someone to provide emotional security for you when they are no longer in an emotional relationship with you. You ARE delaying your healing. You need to fill your life to them brim with other things. Interests, friends, new beginnings, work, everything you can think of to replace the void you're feeling. Throw yourself back into your life. Your question should not be "Can you be friends with an ex". IMO in your individual situation that you describe it should be "How can I fill the void that my ex has left". Polywog - thanks. I think that guilt of a ex-partner for reasons known to them should be added to # five of the list. Sometimes it not the person that they dont want to include in their lives, its the person they became when they were with that person that they want to bury in the past. If I have a new partner, I would still like to have my ex in my life as a casual friend, just to know that she is doing ok and to be able to have at least some contact with her. However, I don't think I'll openly discuss with her any details about my new love life. I haven't forgotten why I broke up with her- it was because she never cared about anything I wanted in the relationship. She once said: "If you are not happy with me, then you can just leave. I am not changing myself for anyone". Of course, it hurts, and I don't think I'll ever forget the pain from the past. However, I feel as though both of us could grow to become happier separately, but with each other's presence in our lives. My greatest fear though, is that she might have changed so radically that choosing to stick with just the memory of her I have in my head might be a better alternative. But ok, I just want to be casual friends with her with no expectations and no drama. When at work today, I began to wonder.. At the demise of every relationship comes the beginning of a long period of repression- of the ex, of the past, and especially of all the good times that we shared with the person we used to love. But is repressing these thoughts healthy for us? I know that back when I was single (before I was with my ex), I was never extremely happy and never extremely sad.. life was simply a routine. With that said, being in a relationship with my ex made me experience some of the happiest and also some of the unhappiest moments of my life. I never had too many good friends, neither before I met my ex nor at present. Sure, I talk to various people on a regular basis.. but none of which are friends that would help me out in times of need or come out to just spend the day. To me, my ex was the one person whom I could call my best friend.. even though the relationship didn't work out that well. In the months following the breakup with my ex, I tried talking more and spending more time with a female friend of mine whom I have known for many years. I thought it would help make my life happier, but in the end the result was almost the complete opposite, as she never talked much about her personal life, and I felt like she was a phony in that regard. Granted, I still felt a little better spending time with and talking to her, but in terms of having true, "honest" conversations, she was not the one; plus it made me think of my ex even more. I guess I am just trying to say that I would probably become a happier person than I am right now if I at least know that I could have a true, honest conversation with a friend who doesn't seem to be putting up different guises all the time. What are your thoughts?
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 If I have a new partner, I would still like to have my ex in my life as a casual friend, just to know that she is doing ok and to be able to have at least some contact with her. However, I don't think I'll openly discuss with her any details about my new love life. I think it's reasonable to want this, and I think this is the starting platform for a friendship. But only when you're in a place where you 100% do not want to be anything other than casual friends. I haven't forgotten why I broke up with her- it was because she never cared about anything I wanted in the relationship. She once said: "If you are not happy with me, then you can just leave. I am not changing myself for anyone". Of course, it hurts, and I don't think I'll ever forget the pain from the past. I dont mean to sound harsh, but that isn't the type of person that I would want as a friend, never mind a partner. A relationship is a two-way street and she'll not learn very much about herself if she cannot think about the feelings and needs of others. A good relationship is much about prioritising the needs of the other above your own. Sound like her? Thought not... However, I feel as though both of us could grow to become happier separately, but with each other's presence in our lives. My greatest fear though, is that she might have changed so radically that choosing to stick with just the memory of her I have in my head might be a better alternative. But ok, I just want to be casual friends with her with no expectations and no drama. Why is her change your greatest fear? When at work today, I began to wonder.. At the demise of every relationship comes the beginning of a long period of repression- of the ex, of the past, and especially of all the good times that we shared with the person we used to love. But is repressing these thoughts healthy for us? I know that back when I was single (before I was with my ex), I was never extremely happy and never extremely sad.. life was simply a routine. With that said, being in a relationship with my ex made me experience some of the happiest and also some of the unhappiest moments of my life. Repressing your thoughts is a temporary glitch. Once you work through all of the pain, unhappy memories turn into lifelessons learnt and happy memories bring a nice grin to your face. That only happens when he pain is gone, when you're able to truly see the relationship with all of its happiness and all of its problems, for what it really was. I never had too many good friends, neither before I met my ex nor at present. Sure, I talk to various people on a regular basis.. but none of which are friends that would help me out in times of need or come out to just spend the day. To me, my ex was the one person whom I could call my best friend.. even though the relationship didn't work out that well. In the months following the breakup with my ex, I tried talking more and spending more time with a female friend of mine whom I have known for many years. I thought it would help make my life happier, but in the end the result was almost the complete opposite, as she never talked much about her personal life, and I felt like she was a phony in that regard. Granted, I still felt a little better spending time with and talking to her, but in terms of having true, "honest" conversations, she was not the one; plus it made me think of my ex even more. It made me sad to read this. Sometimes, it truly is like losing a best friend and I've certainly wrangled with this from time to time. The relationship with the female friend just wasn't her - it sounds like you're trying to replace your ex like for like, but this isn't realistic. You will find other people who are best friend material, others who are relationship material. They may be totally opposite from your ex but they are out there - you just need to find them. I guess I am just trying to say that I would probably become a happier person than I am right now if I at least know that I could have a true, honest conversation with a friend who doesn't seem to be putting up different guises all the time. What are your thoughts? This is the most important aspect of your quote. You're looking for a meaningful friendship and/or a meaningful relationship. The last person that offered you this will obviously be your first port of call, but in reality this relationship is now over. Sounds to me like you have work to do in finding yourself someone who truly touches you, understands you, gets you. You're sapping your energy by concentrating on a relationship that is no longer viable. Put your energy into you, there are so many people out there that are ready and able to give you waht you wre looking for - you just haven't met them yet.
Author ICS Posted May 19, 2007 Author Posted May 19, 2007 After writing my post last night, I got in touch with a friend I recently met and we talked on the phone for some time. I have no interest in her other than strictly being a friend. In fact, she asked me for my judgment of whether one of her male friends might be interested in her. Then this morning I received some interesting email from a "dating site" I signed up at. Despite knowing that the girl who sent me the email was taken, I still felt infinitely better, as if it helped me climb out of my shell. After these two events, what I realized is that I am missing alot of human connection in my life because that simple phone call and email made me feel much better already and began patching up part of that void. Does this mean what I really need is a few good friends whom I can communicate with daily? Maybe after then I can think about being friends with the ex?
oppath Posted May 19, 2007 Posted May 19, 2007 It sounds to me like you strongly desire an intimate connection, not necessarily romantic intimacy. You had a tasted of it, and it was awesome. Of course you long for it. I'm the same way. I do filter out the great friends I have, and I need to remind myself "I'm not alone, I have great friends," but in general, except for my recent ex, it had been several years since I felt deep intimacy, even in a non-romantic context, along with a group of friends I felt connected to. This happened with her. Now it's all gone. It's a difficult place for me to be. And I irrationally struggled with blaming myself for it being gone, because in the end, she really disrespected me and wasn't fully honest with me, and I reacted because of it, which only makes me human, an honest human. I very much miss the non-romantic intimacy. I long for it. This is where I have to open the emotional blinders, I have to turn off the mental filter and look around me. I have other friends, good ones. I have people in my life who could become better friends. Intimacy is at my fingertips. Sometimes, I'm not aware of it, and I have to make the effort, more than I'd like, but generally I am rewarded. Think of all the people in your life you'd like to know better. Get their numbers, organize a trip to a new movie you'd like to see, throw a small bbq on a Wednesday night. Find 3 passions where you meet new people -- a softball league, a comedy class, volunteering at a homeless shelter -- and do them for a solid 2 months at the same time each week. You will meet new people and make new friends. You will feel connected. Loneliness sucks. Feeling a lack of intimacy, not being connected, sucks. But you don't need a relationship to feel those things. You'll enter the best relationships when you already feel those things with platonic people. Otherwise, you will change and grow in a relationship out of sync with your partner. In a relationship, people will grow as individuals, and they also grow together. Those 3 growths must overlap, not be the same or at the same rate, but it is important your life is fulfilling first. You'll make better choices that way. You'll be more balanced that way. You'll attract someone better for you that way.
Author ICS Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Thanks for the good advice guys. On the other hand, what I set in motion the other day (sending her a message) made me feel like crap still. I did not get a reply to any of the messages I sent her even though I know for certain she had checked her facebook. Today I also discovered that in the 6 months we have broken up, she had hooked up with a new guy and lived together. Right now I am just really hurting by the additional pain that I have brought into my life. And I loved her...I think I always will too..
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 Thanks for the good advice guys. On the other hand, what I set in motion the other day (sending her a message) made me feel like crap still. I did not get a reply to any of the messages I sent her even though I know for certain she had checked her facebook. Today I also discovered that in the 6 months we have broken up, she had hooked up with a new guy and lived together. Right now I am just really hurting by the additional pain that I have brought into my life. And I loved her...I think I always will too.. So from your two last responses... You + new friend/dating site/human connection = happy ICS You + ex-girlfriend/no responses/ex dating other person = sad ICS I wish it was as simple as figuring out that equation. its not - its painful to be apart from someone that you love/loved. But by making the first step toward the realisation that you need more human connection and that by concentrating your efforts on a dead-in-the-water ex-relationship you are isolating yourself, you have made a very worthwhile discovery. She has moved on - it's time for you to start following suit
Author ICS Posted May 20, 2007 Author Posted May 20, 2007 Sometimes I wish I could just lie to myself that she cheated on me when we were together, that would make forgetting her so much easier. Yesterday I met up with a mutual friend of ours-who she no longer associates with. At one time they were the best of friends though, and I could still recall those days. Her friend became the first person who asked me how I was doing after the breakup. I never knew her very well, but I knew that her words of concern were genuine. She recalled how poorly my ex treated me and told me that I will definitely find someone better. I haven't seen this mutual friend for at least 3 years, but I am both happy and sad to see her again because she now has bipolar and appeared to have the life sucked out of her. Quite sadly, I realized once more that even great friendships and great relationships can end like this.. After yesterday's discussion with her friend, part of me began to hate my ex for leaving her best friend and me. Where is she when we need her the most? Sleeping over with random guys maybe? I don't know, but I most definitely know that I will never have the connection she had with her current best friend. Yet again, I don't think I should care anymore for her lies about him being gay and as a strict friend only. I want to bury the past behind me and destroy all the memories. I need to climb out of the pit that I have dug myself and leave it for good. With few friends and such a lonely life, I'll need all the help I can get from everyone here while I try to remember that there is still beauty in this world. You guys have been wonderful so far.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 LS is here for you ICS, its hard not to feel lonely on your road to recovery - its your road after all, no-one elses. But even when you're anonymously chatting with someone probably in a different country about your deepest feelings, at least you know that someone, somewhere is wondering about your situation and wants to help. LS is a good place to be and you'll find many people who will offer some great advice and comfort to you. Keep us posted
Author ICS Posted May 23, 2007 Author Posted May 23, 2007 LS is here for you ICS, its hard not to feel lonely on your road to recovery - its your road after all, no-one elses. But even when you're anonymously chatting with someone probably in a different country about your deepest feelings, at least you know that someone, somewhere is wondering about your situation and wants to help. LS is a good place to be and you'll find many people who will offer some great advice and comfort to you. Keep us posted Thanks for the kind words. I never clarified it much, but all of the recent messages I sent my ex took place on facebook. In the beginning, I "poked" her, which allowed her to see my profile. Although she didn't reply to any of my messages, she "poked" me back and allowed me to see her profile. As expected, she hid away all pictures of her and allowed me to see nothing that was significant. The following day though, she deliberately changed her settings and allowed me to view her list of friends. (Throughout this whole time she wrote not a word to me). I became curious and browsed through her list of friends, and finally coming across one which had the caption: "The hooked up. They lived together and it was !@#$ing amazinggg" That was when I believed that she got a new boyfriend within the 6 months after we broke up, AND lived together with him. I was depressed and sunk to a new low that day, but yesterday I had 8 hours of delightful tranquility all to myself when I worked overtime without all the usual noise levels and the usual people around. I began to wonder if she in fact allowed me to view her list of friends and set up that "trap" to spite me and make me leave her alone without having to do anything. At first I did not understand why she would let me see her profile but not reply to any of my messages. Then I realized she most likely talked to her friends about me, and they probably asked her to set up a trap to spite me and get rid of me. I think this means that she wants to talk to me too, but is afraid of delaying her recovery. On the other hand, I could be completely wrong, and it could just mean that she really did move on and have a new boyfriend and no longer wants to talk to me. Either way, I have been feeling alot better since yesterday. To stop myself from constantly thinking of her and being on the computer, I also got rid of my facebook account. Fair is fair, I think she just needs space before she can talk to me again. Either way, I don't want to expect anything and be dissapointed if we don't talk anymore. My friend suggested sending her an email when her birthday comes, not a bad idea I think.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I disagree... I applaud you for being strong enough to delete Facebook. Things like these are not tools, they can be deceiving (both by the writer and the viewer) and to be discarded as you will never ever know if there's anything truthful in them or not. Let her contact you. If she wants to contact you - she will. Leave her on her birthday, dont contact her. In the meantime, concentrate on you, happy in the knowledge that if she does or doesn't contact her, it doesn't matter because your life is full and happy enough to go on without her.
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