smwhtshy Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Looking for input, maybe this is a common occurrence. Is there a "euphoria" on the dumpers part immediately after a breakup, or do we just idealize whats going on with them because we're hurting or lonesome for them? Is it temporary? Or, am I seeing it as a left handed rejection again (i.e. they are so happy now that we are out of their lives). I know I shouldn't care, but can't stop the thoughts. I am doing strict NC (two months this Thursday!!), but have inadvertently heard of "the ex" being at the wine bar with friends, going to a party, doing a bike trip, etc. etc. and that really hurts for some reason...am I being selfish? Probably...Is it really as great as it appears to be, or is it just activities that anyone does, and because its the Ex, we think its all fun and ease, with their phones ringing off the hook with social offers while our calendars are blank and we just try and figure out ways to string together a few hours of "not crying"... Anyone experience this..?? .
krzr Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 dont worry about what there doing or who they are with or who they will find and will they be better than you because quite simply they still wont have you in there lives. you dont have to sit around moping around either get out and do things even thou u dont feel like it. get out and TRY to enjoy life thats what they are doing. i know u dont feel like it but just go out go watch movies goto concerts go do something but dont sit inside crying for them because they are not crying for you and yes they do think about you too but dont worry yourself about that.
cecil brown Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I can definitely relate. From what I understand, my ex is going out, having a good time, dating again. It bothers me to think that she's not the least bit upset about our demise. It's almost like she is relieved to have me out of her life. Is that just my low self esteem talking or is it something more? Who knows? Maybe she's doing all these things to try and convince herself she doesn't need me? I'm really not sure what to think. Either way, it's a very tough pill to swallow.
zeldazelda Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 please don't take this personally, but yes, it can be euphoric for the "dumper" to get the dumping over with and move on. think about it realistically...how would you feel if you finally got out of a situation that you no longer wanted to be in? probably pretty happy, right? like a new start? same thing for dumpers, even though they seem evil to you because they broke your heart. they didn't break your heart for fun. and they probably didn't break it without thinking about it for a long time beforehand--breaking up is usually a process, especially when it's not provoked by a sudden event, so it is likely that the break-up was considered many, many times before you knew about it. but you can't keep pretending to be happy with someone when you're not just so someone else isn't sad without out. you can't stay a part of a relationship simply because people's feelings get hurt. the pressure that comes along with not wanting to hurt someone's feelings is tough, and once it's over with, it is quite a relief. what it really comes down to is that while hurting you is a result of what has to be done, they don't want to be in the relationship, so they simply aren't missing it like you are. the thing that some people forget is that it's not just about you being dumped; it's about the other person finding out what they want and looking for happiness too, and everyone has a right to that.
Lizzie60 Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Looking for input, maybe this is a common occurrence. Is there a "euphoria" on the dumpers part immediately after a breakup, or do we just idealize whats going on with them because we're hurting or lonesome for them? Is it temporary? Or, am I seeing it as a left handed rejection again (i.e. they are so happy now that we are out of their lives). I know I shouldn't care, but can't stop the thoughts. I am doing strict NC (two months this Thursday!!), but have inadvertently heard of "the ex" being at the wine bar with friends, going to a party, doing a bike trip, etc. etc. and that really hurts for some reason...am I being selfish? Probably...Is it really as great as it appears to be, or is it just activities that anyone does, and because its the Ex, we think its all fun and ease, with their phones ringing off the hook with social offers while our calendars are blank and we just try and figure out ways to string together a few hours of "not crying"... Anyone experience this..?? . I have been a 'dumper' twice in my life... the first time, I felt that 'euphoria' but it was for a very short time. I got my appartment, I was FREE after 18 years with the same guy and 9 years before that as the OW. I didn't love him anymore...that I was sure... After all the excitement of getting my apartment the way I wanted... getting new clothes and getting ready to go on the 'market' again... I fell into a deep depression... I felt the guilt... it almost killed me. I felt guilty for my son... I felt guilty to hurt my SO so much... he wasn't a big guy and he lost 65 lbs... he couldn't work for over a year, he was shaking and too weak, and depressed. I cried like I never cried in my life. Fast forward 6 years later, I left my second ex... after 5 years with him. This time it was a lot less painful... in a way because I didn't have kids with him. This time I didn't feel any 'euphoria', this time was different... The first year and a half, I was miserable. I was lonely, I was on a rampage to find someone else. Then I bought a house and from then on... I have never been so happy in my life. Now I felt that 'euphoria' after all those years... I am finally happy being single...and I wouldn't change anything in my life right now. This is where I want to be... for now... I am not saying that I will never be with someone ever...but for now I am not looking for any long term relationship. So to answer your question, I guess it's different for every individual going through separation... but it doesn't mean that, because he's going out a lot, he's happy and not crying... no.. not at all... he might be, like me, on a rampage to deal with his emotions of loneliness.
Author smwhtshy Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Much as I hate to admit it, you are probably right. The ex's have been in turmoil (either consciously or sub-consciously) for a while, trying to get OUT of it, while we have been in turmoil (same as above) trying to SAVE IT....Geez, it hurt to read your reply..especially the "relief" part, like I am a headache that finally stopped.... But, I needed to hear it I guess. I am hoping (I don't wish pain on her, but do feel a bit of a mean streak) that she does have some fleeting, happy memories of our time together...maybe when a TV show we used to watch together comes on, or its sunny out and she's hiking (things we used to do together) maybe, just maybe a tinge of "what could have been if I hadn't bailed?" goes through her mind. If I thought she was thanking God every moment to finally have that thorn in her side GONE (me), I'd be sick...
krzr Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 you cant think about what they are doing and if they are happy with or without you. fact of the matter is they left you for whatever reason and that was being selfish so u need to be selfish now too. think about what is gonna make u happy without them in ur life and do it. whatever or whoever they find in their lives they wont have you.
cr8sea Posted May 18, 2007 Posted May 18, 2007 I went thru the same thing with my ex. the worst part was the he would let me know what good of a time he was having, going clubbing, hanging out with friends and meeting other chicks. I put my mind on doing the same thing and letting him know. In fact i called him up to ask him what club would be a good one to go. Ofcourse i wasnt feeling all that great....but my point is that i wanted him to think i was. After a while i couldnt deal with it anymore and stop pretending and talking to him. Now, after three months he's contacting me again...which is weird to me since he is in another relationship (after saying he wasnt ready for one when we broke up...but you know...details). He now tells me he was doing it for a while to enjoy the single life again....so i guess thats what they all do....figures
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