Letter sent... Comments anyone?

[oppath]

Well, at some point I need to let go of the anger myself, but I've never gone through that phase. Sure, I was angry at my ex, but mostly, I was angry at myself for allowing her to violate the boundaries I asserted repeatedly, and then I was angry at myself for expressing anger. I'd walk around thinking I was abusive, without recognizing: I was provoked. When you are dumped, you hurt. It hurts BAD. It's not easy to dump someone either, but if the dumper lies, or they don't initiate things in a respectful manner (not that there is a perfect way that the dumpee will accept, because there is not), then the dumpee will likely express anger. That's how breakups go. Most people have been on both sides of that at some point in their life.

 

If you feel like you didn't act with dignity, you aren't going to gain it back by apologizing down the line. What you need to examine is why you reacted: you are human, and when you are hurt, it sucks, and it's tough not to react. But don't kid yourself with some kind of revisionist history of the relationship. Yes, at some point, you need to see it for what it is bad AND GOOD; you can't dwell in anger forever, but you need to go through the anger phase, and that anger needs to be at the other person.

 

For myself, I've spent months thinking I was abusive, all because I told my ex she was selfish and that I felt like a rebound and that the reasons for the breakup felt unauthentic and I was dogged how it went down. How much of that was irrational? I said NOTHING until she asked to be **** buddies! Actually, I said none of that until she said "I was just joking." In response to me saying "no, I deserve more than that, and you know it. I'm not going to whore myself out to you." How could I not be extremely angry at her? Who the **** jokes with someone's emotions after they've hurt them? And who asks the dumpee to be **** buddies 2 weeks after a non-mutual breakup when the dumpee has made it clear they can't be friends or be in contact for months! That's pretty malignant. Me reacting with anger was justified. She needed to be told off. Now, I wish I said nothing, because the best revenge is a life well lived, but I had nothing to apologize for.

 

To the op...he keeps apologizing for things that weren't his fault. It sounds like he handled the breakup maturely. If anything, he should have called her out quicker and more severely on her BS. He's shouldering the blame, saying he is willing to forgive her and eventually reconcile as friends, and admitting his own faults when SHE DID THE DAMAGE. She lied and cheated. No, those things are not forgivable. They simply are not. If someone withholds information from you, directly or by omission, and that information can impact your emotions as well as decisions you make regarding your life...that is abusive BS. If you are intimate with someone, there is a level of commitment there. Yes, honest people sometimes lie, but be honest with yourself, if someone lies to you, they are not a friend.

[mav100]

Thanks for the vote of confidence as to me handling the break-up maturely Oppath...

 

However, I'm not so sure how mature I was when I rushed into our house that we had and punched her ex boyfriend when I caught him in there.

 

I'm not into beating myself up, but I realize I made mistakes too. It takes two people for a relationship to fail, and up until recently, I placed all of the blame on her, hence why I wrote the letter.

 

It doesn't matter now anyway - she has shown me her true colors tonight.

 

My father passed away very unexpectedly this morning. I went through this morning, afternoon, and evening on the phone with friends and family, getting some support from them. I had a long ride back home, and I finally called her about 10 this evening.

 

Her response was not very nice to say the least. At first, she acted like she didn't know who it was who was calling. Then she started getting snippy and asked why I called. I told her that my father died, and said I was just looking for a friendly voice to talk to on the ride. She said I was no friend to her and to call someone else and hung up.

 

Being somewhat angry at her response, I called her back and asked why she would do that and why she was so angry with me. She said got right into all of the "issues" of our relationship. I told her I was not calling to rehash them, and again just asked for a friendly ear. I told her that I thought it might be a good idea to talk to her since she dealt with the same thing last year, and perhaps she would be someone who could understand how I felt. She proceeded to tell me that I screwed her over, that I lied to her, and so on. I asked her how I did this, and she said that she was not happy people knew her business (she was not happy I was honest and told other she cheated), and that I lied to her sister in a conversation I had with her after our break up, and made her look like a whack job. I remained calm and did not yell back, and again asked for a friendly ear. She just continued rambling on and eventually hung up again when I started talking about what happened to my dad today.

 

All I have to say is that I guess I have learned what kind of person she is, and its not who I thought she was. I was there for her when her mom died (before we dated), and she just basically told me to f*ck off. It's clear she never cared in the first place, and is really very selfish.

 

It's funny, when my father died, one of the first people to call me today was my son's mother. We had WAYY more issued than this ex and I did, still don't get along now, but she showed me so much more respect than my ex did I can't even believe it.

 

I spoke to another friend of mine tonight after the call, and she told me that anyone who actually gave a sh*t wouldn't talk like that. She said she even called her ex that really screwed her over (cheated multiple times, stuff like that) when she heard his father died just to express her condolences. Apparently my ex doesn't have a sympathetic bone in her body.

 

Lesson learned.

[crazy_grl]

At least now that you know who she really is, you can move on.

 

Sorry to hear about your dad. *hugs*

[mav100]

Thanks for the support crazy_grl. I appreciate it.

[Pixie-Minx]

Personally, i think it shows great courage in someone to take the time to sit and lay it all out like that to someone, knowing they aer with another and there is slim chance.

To just walk away without ever saying what you had to you will regret it forever, ok so too much contact can be a bad thing.... (learnt that the hard way) but to be honest give it a few months and who remembers a bit of pushing, all u think is god i must of really hurt that person. If you dont then your very cold hearted.

I think u did the right thing for you and thats whats important. BUt as you say her lack of response speaks volumes, she could of at least had the decency to tell you she received it and thank you but she has moved on now.

To be honest u sound like a wonderful guy, you deserve someone who will love you back,

[Zapbasket]

Mav,

 

 

I hate to say this because you sound like a nice and caring guy. And all you have heard until now is that this was a nice letter and that it was great that you sent it. Mostly women have commented on this letter and said "oh, how sweet". Here is the reality.

 

I want you to take your right hand and slap yourself in the face for what you did. This letter smells of weakness and lack of confidence. You use words such as "nervous", "scared", "missed you", and so on. She doesn't care if you miss her, she wants to miss you.

 

NEVER, ever admit fault. Especialy to someone who doesn't like you. What were the things you didn't provide? Do you think that if the girl really likes you, wouldn't she have contacted you after she steamed off? Did you sleep with another girl? Did you beat her? Emotionally degrade her to a level where she felt humiliated enough to die? You had arguments, so what? I have seen guys spit on their girls faces and the girl says "I love you baby, I didn't mean it that way". This is an extreme and abusive case but you know what I mean You know why? Because those guys will leave their women anytime they want.

 

The reason why you felt that you were a rebound and that you didn't feel loved was because you WERE a rebound and you WERE never loved. You felt this because it was there. How many girls would make you feel that way if they really loved you?

 

Why do you love someone like this? Why would you be there for them? Stop the guilt. Relationship works both ways. She didn't do her part either.

 

As soon as you said I love you and I will be there for you. She read this and said "I got this dude wrapped". She is sleeping with someone else right now and loves it. You know why? Cause he doesn't care about her, he is still a challenge. Hurts doesn't it? Good. Use that to get rid of this scam artist.

 

This letter pushed her way, way, way away. It is extremely weak and emotional. She wanted a letter saying. "Listen, I tried my best and you just didn't want to do anything about it", "Im glad you broke up with me cause I was going to do it first". "I'll see you on the other side".

 

Bottom line.....She wants something she can't have....The best way to fix this is treat her like crap anytime you see, hear, or talk to her friends. Tell them "that chick is history, I met someone that is much hotter, I am so glad she broke it off". She needs to know that you have lost every feeling you wrote in this letter. BOTTOM LINE....Don't love someone who doesn't give a damn about you....

 

Question for you Trent, and others, too: Do you think your advice applies only to men, or to women who've been dumped, as well? When my partner broke things off with me tentatively, I saw an opportunity and wrote him a long letter apologizing for my faults--basically taking all his complaints (most of which I now think were completely reactive and ridiculous) seriously. The letter only produced a negative reaction in him: "I don't even need to tell you the reasons why I'm breaking up with you because it's all in your letter. And why would you send someone a letter like that, anyway?" And I was so confused, because when a good friend of mine read over the letter before I sent it, she said it could "melt a heart of stone." The thing was, the things he accused me of I even at the time felt were complete B.S., but I felt--at the time--that the best thing I could do was just listen, and not protest, and most certainly not get angry since that was one of the retarded reasons he gave for breaking up with me: "Your an arguing person and I'm a non-arguing person," which was utterly WRONG; I was angry for him for good reason. By your logic, I should have said that back when he was breaking up with me: "Yeah? Well, yes, I was angry, I had reason to be angry and that doesn't make me 'an arguing person' but rather someone who became very angry at how I was being treated by you. Period." Right?

[4peace]

Mav~

First and foremost, I am so sorry to hear about your father. Losing a parent is not something I've gone through at least not by death. big hug to you. Be strong and couragous like you sound like you are.

 

Now about that letter and her reaction-UGGGGGG I'd say you may have been dealing with someone like my ex. Someone not worthy of my love or friendship but at least you got clarity. Rude and in your face clarity. I am sorry this was what it took for you to see her for who she really is. There are people like that out there and they just become lessons to us all.

 

That was by far the sweetest letter one could have ever written and heart felt. It could melt even the coldest of hearts. reading it, I thought about writing or receieving one similar would have put me into a spin of doubt with regards to my break, BUT I didn't write one to my ex nor received one from him because he DOES have the heart of a cold dragon. At least from all his actions, blaming me, etc...Your post helped me to see what breaking NC could do for me. And for that I thank you.

 

Not only would I have regretted no response, leaving me in a window of unknowing while she didn't respond to you but to see my ex for who he really is. Well, I guess I won't be writing any letters. period.

 

Something that helped me understand, just for me, what and who I was dealing with was believe it or not, a site on NPD.(healnpd.org is just one of many) Narcassism is dangerous. I've done a lot of reading on the topic over these last few months to better understand the *WTF* behavior, lying, deceitfulness, etc... this was so I don't find myself back in a relationship with someone incapable of loving when they don't love themselves. Please check it out because it has some pretty daunting answers to why these people are dangerous. It even says victoms of NPD abusers suffer from post traumatic syndrum in the wake of the break. They break your spirit, it's sort of their objective, from the beginning. It helped me to put things in perspective. Completely. Not everyone is ready to read this about someone they loved but I'm sooo glad I did. And I found out about it here on LS.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I didn't read your previous posts regarding how everything went down, just this post, but from her final response, or lack thereof regarding your fathers death...OMG, red flags waving!!

 

I sincerely hope this helps, mav. Get angry like the guys said but don't think all women are capable of this kind of behavior. Stats say only 1% of the population have this syndrom with very few seeking help, EVER. The success rate is sadly low. Be glad you are away from her, trust me. Start fresh and get yourself back on track.

Select people to be around you who are kind, matured and real! (age has nothing to do with it)You deserve this kind of love because you are this kind of lover, it's evident. I'm glad you sent the letter and shared here because I was coming very close to doing something very similar. Your post confirmed it for all of us!

 

be strong,

4p

[trent25]

Greencove,

 

The answer to your question is this; People, especially women, but men as well, put a higher value on something they cannot have or are afraid of losing. You should NEVER take the blame for something you didn't do. You should never give yourself to someone so much that they have control over your happiness. Women smell this in a man. If he revolves his world around her, if he is happy only if she is holding his hand, she will run. You should always be a challenge. Meaning; A woman should always try to PROVE and win a man's heart just as much as he did when he was courting her. My parents have been married 35 years. To this day, my father is emotionless. She knows he loves her when he just looks at her, period. But she still has to win his affection and love to this day. Just like he has to keep her attraction high. No game. Both sexes act like this.

[mav100]

Thank you all for the condolences on the loss of my dad. As far as my ex goes, it's obvious from the conversation I had with her after my dad passed away that I wrote about, she's a real piece of work and not worth my time. Just one big cold hearted b!tch. That was quite the eye opener on her true demeanor.

 

She seems to want people to give, just like she played the sympathy card with me on the passing of her mom just about the entire time we were together, but when the reverse is true, it's all about herself and telling me I'm the ********* again even though she cheated.

 

Not worth my time anymore - quite the eye opener.

[oppath]

The eye-opener should have been when she cheated on you brah!

 

Even if nothing sexual happened at that point, lying by omission is the same thing as lying by default. In contact and friends with an ex? Cool...if that person truly does not want you back, knows and respects the new relationship, and you've gotten a chance to shake his hand. Otherwise, contact should be minimal, right?

 

She went back to this guy, so why would she talk to you? That would be like cheating on him, right? She probably learned her lesson when you got pissed so won't respond to you so as not to upset her current boyfriend. Now, you did nothing wrong in how you handled that situation, because she was lying about it instead of being honest. "Yeah, my ex called. He wanted to catch up. I told him a little about you and what's going on in my life" is different than "no, my ex didn't call, I'm not talking to him at all" when in fact they are talking multiple times a week. Get my drift!

 

Had she been open and honest about things you would have never fought, argued, and there wouldn't be all this hate and drama. She lied. She was dishonest. Directly and by omission. She withheld information that you were OWED as it would determine whether you wanted to be in the relationship. Her not disclosing that information, and you having to argue it out of her, is her issue, not yours.

 

She has a right to be upset that you told mutual friends she cheated. My ex will never speak to me because I told some of her friends "she asked to be friends with benefits 2 weeks after the breakup" painting her in a bad light, obviously. Of course, she has responsibility there too. Only I control how I react but she crossed a well defined boundary.

 

Nonetheless, I'm surprised at her coldness because your dad did die. That does speak volumes. Of course, volumes were spoken long ago.

 

I know how tough it is to let go. Hope is the last to die. I think despite all rational thought, somewhere in the recesses of your mind you still had hope, because you at one point had dreams with this woman. To realize that that person doesn't care enough about you to even send you a kind word in a moment of severe pain for you, that is the death of hope, even irrational unconscious hope.

 

You are better off without her man. Lying is unacceptable, and she did lie to you. While you surely made mistakes in the relationship and how the breakup went down, she did too, and she made bigger ones by not being honest. Would you blame someone for reacting with anger when they found out you were dishonest? Only if you were covering your butt, otherwise you'd say "I understand and I'm sorry. You are right, my action was inappropriate. I didn't want to hurt your feelings but realize that not being honest is what hurts you most of all."

[mav100]

Well, the cheating thing with her has always seemed to be a "gray" area. I have ex-girlfriends that I talk to from time to time. However, I don't hide the fact, there are no feelings left, and certainly nothing physical going on. I agree that lying is wrong, but it's not cheating, at least not in my book. She had very limited time where she wasn't with me, while she could have cheated, I dunno for sure if she did and never will know.

 

I also don't agree that she has any right to be upset that I told people what occured with our relationship. She took those actions, not me. If they embarass her, then that is her problem. She's responsible for taking those actions.

 

However, I agree with everything else. After her reaction to the phone call I made when my father died last week, I have lost all respect for her. There isn't any chance I would want to be with her. Anyone who can be that cold hearted isn't someone I want to be with. I guess that would be the straw that broke the camels back for me. She's becoming a distant memory.

 

As always, thanks for the input Oppath.