Letter sent... Comments anyone?

[mav100]

Would anyone care to comment on this letter? I've already sent it - feel bad I did so now but since the email already went out it would be nice to get some opinions... Thanks in advance.

 

Janay,

I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I could start by saying this – I’ve missed you. There still isn’t a day that goes by where I haven’t thought about you. I’ve thought about calling you over the past few days, and even dialed your number once or twice, but to be honest, I’ve been too scared to actually hit send. A few people have even suggested that I call you. I hate to say I’m just a little too nervous about what your reaction would be to a call from me.

 

A lot has happened over the past few months. I’m fairly sure you’ve heard about most of it. Things have been pretty rough. I’ve not handled the loss of you well at all. I have no one to blame but myself.

 

I’m writing tonight because I just can’t leave things the way I left them after our last phone call a few months ago. It’s hurt me very much that I spoke to you the way I did in November and December. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on all of the things that happened during our relationship, and I realize I screwed up a lot more than I was willing to admit at the time. I may say some things in this letter that may anger or hurt you, however, please keep in mind that is not my intention. My only intention is to be honest and to offer an apology.

 

I will say this. We were both very stubborn, and that fact alone led to our demise. However, I cannot change the past. All I can do is learn from my mistakes. I’ve come to realize that there were certain things that you needed from me, and I didn’t always provide them. For that, I am truly sorry. Neither of us ever wanted to give an inch when we disagreed on something. I have had many discussions with friends about some of the arguments that they witnessed, and it’s quite clear that while you didn’t always handle things perfectly, I didn’t either. I just didn’t see that the last few times we spoke, and I’m sorry for that.

 

Jackie and I had a conversation not long ago about what occurred. She made it pretty clear to me that she feels we are both equally to blame for what happened, and she has never seen two more stubborn people. She also told me that no matter what I wanted to believe, that you didn’t cheat on me. I’ve thought about that conversation a lot, and I was completely in the wrong that night with my actions. I was clearly not being rational, and acted like an absolute moron. I have to say that after having what I thought was going on happen to me so many times before, I was too quick to react and I didn’t think. While it is no excuse, I want you to know what was going on in my mind. All I could think was “Here we go again!”, and I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that our whole relationship was a lie, that I was only a rebound, and that you never loved me in the first place. I’m sorry for having those doubts about you. After discussing all of that with Jackie it was clear that I was wrong in making those assumptions, even in the heat of the moment, and that what we had actually was real and true, and we just had problems we couldn’t overcome at the time.

 

All I can say at this point Janay is that I’m very sorry I didn’t do a better job with you. You were my world, and I certainly didn’t act like it at times, nor did I let you know enough that I felt that way about you. That’s something that Seth and I were discussing the other day. I was telling him how I used to rush out of work at 5:00 and race home as quick as I could, because I was so excited to go home and see you standing there, greeting me with a big hug and a kiss, and to hear you say “I love you”. I told him how I always hoped you hadn’t changed out of your work clothes yet because I always thought you looked good in them (I even think I mentioned something about how hot you looked in that white Hilfiger sweater you wore that I liked so much). After telling him about this, he asked me if I ever mentioned any of this to you when we were together, and let you know just how excited I was to come home to you. I told him I didn’t, and as soon as I thought about it I felt horrible. It’s clear I wasn’t always forthcoming with my feelings for you and I shouldn’t have just assumed you knew how I felt. You were always letting me know how you felt, and it seems I failed to do so when I should have.

 

I can’t lie and tell you that I don’t still have feelings for you. I do. I still love you with all my heart. I can tell you with absolute certainty that you will always own a piece of my heart, no matter what the future brings for me. I will always be there if you need me. It has been very difficult not to talk to you. With everything that has happened over the past few months, I’ve continually wanted to talk to you – you were my best friend, my rock, my stability. You were the one who was able to keep me level headed when no one else could. You were what made any rotten days I had better. All it ever took on bad days to feel better was just a look, a touch, a smile, or a kiss from you and everything seemed so much better.

 

Now that the weather has been getting better again, I’ve really been remembering all of the things we did together, and all of the good times we shared. When I was at the Tulip Festival yesterday, I remembered how much fun I had there last year, and how happy I was that you were there with me. I was always so proud to be walking around with you on my arm. I saw a couple of police officers on horseback and remembered how we always talked about going horseback riding and felt sorry we never got around to it. I can tell you that I certainly remember the good times we had. The comedy club at Fresno’s, camping, the Great Escape, hanging out on the boat all summer just being lazy bums laying next to each other in the sun. I recently moved and finally got my bed out of storage, and I must say it felt odd sleeping in it alone. I guess I still really miss you a lot. I’ve missed your voice and the conversations we used to have. I’ve missed all those little phrases you use – I even find myself talking like you from time to time. Just the other day someone was complaining about something at work, and I said “Welcome to my world!” As I said before, you were my best friend Janay, and the one person I always wanted to spend time with.

 

I’m not writing tonight because I want to rehash old issues and argue or because I want to make a play to get you back. We both have our own lives now, and I really hope yours is going well. I’m just writing because after all of the reflection I’ve done, I really wanted to apologize. You deserved better from me, and I really failed you. I admit I try not to think about what I’d be doing now or where we’d be or end up if things had worked out, but sometimes those thoughts pop into my head anyway and I can only wonder - engaged, married, kids, the whole 9 yards. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the asinine things that I have done. I can honestly say I’ve never done anything with the intention of hurting you, and I feel horrible that I did. Now that things have calmed down, and the anger hopefully has subsided on both parts, I hope to speak to you again someday. Not about reconciliation or to argue or rehash things that can’t be changed, but honestly, just to hear your voice and catch up somewhat. You were a big part of my life, and I’d really hate to lose that completely. So, if you are up to it, I’d like to hear from you sometime if you have the time.

[Island Girl]

Really nice letter. Very thoughtful and certainly will inspire feelings on the other side.

 

However, you say over and over that you don't want to reconcile - or rehash issues, argue, etc. - but the letter gives the feeling that you do.

 

If you wanted to get over her - you probably shouldn't have sent the letter. It sounds like you aren't ready to be friends because you aren't over her. Contact between the two of you will be very painful for you if she has moved on. Hearing her discuss her life and what is happening in it will sting because you will be reminded you aren't part of it. Especially is she is dating someone.

[bubbalump]

well...nothing to say , you already sent it!

 

Good luck though with anything that happens!!!

[amaysngrace]

I think it's nice that you put your feelings into words. She definitely has you on her mind which is what you wanted, isn't it?

[Not_That_Innocent]

The letter shows how mature you are, how much you have grown. Good job! It may not change things between the two of you, but I am sure she needed to know those things just as much as you needed to tell them to her. You did the right thing by sending it, regardless of the outcome. Congratulations on the progress you have made and your willingness to grow!

[Teddy and Jane]

I would never have sent that. It just screams desperate and needy. Why can't you just accept that she just wasn't into you and you two weren't really that compatible and move on? What was the purpose of this letter?

Also you are WAY too apologetic in the letter. It doesn't sound like you really did anything "wrong" in the relationship, it's just that she seemed to have fallen out of love, which happens in relationships. Some things are great for a while but they just aren't meant to be.

Have some dignity and move on. If you were going to contact her, that was NOT the way to do it. A simple "Hello, how are you doing" would have sufficed.

[Trialbyfire]

It's a lovely letter from the heart. If I received a letter like that, I would be in tears. It's no use regretting the sending of this letter, especially if it helped to get some things off your chest. Good luck.

[mav100]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I appreciate them. I'm not really sure what she wants, what she's doing, if she's even still with the ex she left for. Things were pretty rough when everything happened, and it's possible she's still pretty miffed at me. However, I dunno - she also has to understand my reaction to finding out she was talking with and hanging out with her ex.

 

I'm not really sure I'd want to get back together, but I meant what I said. She was like my best friend, and I miss having her around. The leaving for the ex thing may be unforgivable relationship-wise, but I think I could have a friendship with her again. Albeit no where near as close as before.

[krzr]

i dont think being friends with her would workout u are simply missing her and lonely right now. i think it would just be akward. the letter did nothing except push her farther away from you.

[mav100]

I guess maybe it could have pushed her away further... BUt after 6 months or so of N/C - I figured what was the harm... Nothing to lose at this point...

[mav100]

Well, after about 2 weeks, still no response. Not that I expected one, but I figured you never know.

 

I talked to a friend of mine at work about it yesterday that knows the both of us, but hasn't spoken to her since last fall when the ex got her new job. I actually let her read the letter.

 

She told me that she doesn't think that I should feel like the ex never cared or loved me, because she doesn't feel thats the case. She just thinks that with everything that went on last year (her mother died, and her father and brother moved to SC), she was very confused and didn't know how to handle her emotions. She also told me she thinks that if my ex's mother did not pass away last year, she thinks things would have been much different between the two of us and we would not have had the problems that led to the breakup/her returning to her on and off ex of 3 1/2 years.

 

She told me she felt my letter displayed how I genuinely feel, and that while the ex may not call me because I wrote it, she thinks that my ex would at least have admitted to herself that she still cares about me and that she may have made a mistake leaving for her old, uncaring ex.

 

She also said that one of the reasons why she thinks the ex wouldn't call me after I sent her the letter was that since she most likely still does care, she wouldn't want to contact me and make me feel any worse.

 

Being a man, I'm not sure I understand all this "female speak" about what my friend thinks the ex is thinking, but I guess it makes sense... Any comments anyone?

[Star Gazer]

I think your letter is beautifully written, but I don't know what to tell you about her lack of response.

 

I received a letter similar to that one about 6 months after my ex tore my heart out. He (like you) sounded so kind, warm, understanding in the letter, but it was a betrayal of how he had treated me at the end. You'd think that such a heartfelt letter would warm my heart, but my response to his letter was a vicious attack on his credibility and character, and I pretty much told him to go to he!!. I think I even broke a nail by pounding down on the keyboard too hard!! hahaa.

 

But I didn't send him my response. I held on to it, thinking my gut reaction was wrong. And it was. I waited over two weeks to respond.

He's one of my best friends now.

 

Hopefully all you're looking for is peace. To hope for or expect anything else would be detrimental to moving on.

[mav100]

Thanks Star Gazer... I appreciate your honesty and point of view since you have previously been in a similiar situation. I just hope she didn't break her keyboard!

[whichwayisup]

I'm not really sure I'd want to get back together, but I meant what I said

 

It was spoken from your heart and in a way this will help you make your own closure.

[mav100]

I'm not sure it's brought me any closure... Perhaps it's even opened the wound a little again due to her lack of response and the response I got from a mutual friend/co-worker the other day...

 

I was searching for some of my camping gear last week for the trip I take each Memorial Day at my storage unit. I was missing quite a few of the important pieces and they can only be at the house with her. I thought about calling and asking to pick them up (since the house was right down the road), but decided against it due to her lack of response and not knowing what it meant.

 

I talked to a mutual friend/co-worker about the items the following day and asked if she thinks it would be ok to call her and ask to get the items, and explained I wanted to get her opinion as she has been talking to the ex. I told her about the email I sent and how since I got no response, I wasn't sure if I should leave it alone or not, but I really wanted the gear (it's worth a couple hundred bucks). Her response was that I shoudn't worry about them, and that it's better that I just replace them, and the look on her face just about said it all, that calling her was just trouble waiting to happen. I spoke to another mutual friend/co-worker about it later that day, and she told me the other mutual friend/co-worker told her my ex called her after I wrote the letter, but she didn't discuss with her what the two discussed so she also had no idea if I should call and try to get my camping gear back.

 

So my guess is that instead of inspiring any good feelings in her, it just angered her since the co-worker in contact with the ex didn't even acknowledge to me she talked to my ex, and told me to forget the expensive items she still has at the house.

 

I know what happens when you make assumptions, and I know my assumptions could be wrong, but it seems more likely they are right. I would guess that if the conversation that happened between my ex and the co-worker was positive in any way, she would have told me to call her and ask for my stuff back, right? Any theories anyone?

[mav100]

Anyone have any thoughts on why the mutual friend/co-worker has nothing to say even thought she talked to my ex???

[mav100]

Still haven't heard squat a month later - I have no idea why she hates me so much, but its getting to me...

[KaneNAbel]

Did you ever think to yourself the fact that you are obsessing over her not giving you a reply is probably an indication that sending it was a bad idea in the first place?

 

Yeah, I know why you wrote the letter, I was thinking of writing a letter myself. But I decided against. What good does it do? The fact that I'm feeling okay now with little bits of pain that quickly go away and the fact that you are becoming more angry as each day passes without out a response is a testament on why people should just move on. I dunno, I'm just trying to give you an objective view.

 

Your problem was you wrote it thinking that there was so much effort and emotion that went into it that it deserves her answering back. Kind of like she 'owes' you something. Not good. Do yourself a favor and get on with your life. She's already took enough of it.

[trent25]

Would anyone care to comment on this letter? I've already sent it - feel bad I did so now but since the email already went out it would be nice to get some opinions... Thanks in advance.

 

Janay,

I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I could start by saying this – I’ve missed you. There still isn’t a day that goes by where I haven’t thought about you. I’ve thought about calling you over the past few days, and even dialed your number once or twice, but to be honest, I’ve been too scared to actually hit send. A few people have even suggested that I call you. I hate to say I’m just a little too nervous about what your reaction would be to a call from me.

 

A lot has happened over the past few months. I’m fairly sure you’ve heard about most of it. Things have been pretty rough. I’ve not handled the loss of you well at all. I have no one to blame but myself.

 

I’m writing tonight because I just can’t leave things the way I left them after our last phone call a few months ago. It’s hurt me very much that I spoke to you the way I did in November and December. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on all of the things that happened during our relationship, and I realize I screwed up a lot more than I was willing to admit at the time. I may say some things in this letter that may anger or hurt you, however, please keep in mind that is not my intention. My only intention is to be honest and to offer an apology.

 

I will say this. We were both very stubborn, and that fact alone led to our demise. However, I cannot change the past. All I can do is learn from my mistakes. I’ve come to realize that there were certain things that you needed from me, and I didn’t always provide them. For that, I am truly sorry. Neither of us ever wanted to give an inch when we disagreed on something. I have had many discussions with friends about some of the arguments that they witnessed, and it’s quite clear that while you didn’t always handle things perfectly, I didn’t either. I just didn’t see that the last few times we spoke, and I’m sorry for that.

 

Jackie and I had a conversation not long ago about what occurred. She made it pretty clear to me that she feels we are both equally to blame for what happened, and she has never seen two more stubborn people. She also told me that no matter what I wanted to believe, that you didn’t cheat on me. I’ve thought about that conversation a lot, and I was completely in the wrong that night with my actions. I was clearly not being rational, and acted like an absolute moron. I have to say that after having what I thought was going on happen to me so many times before, I was too quick to react and I didn’t think. While it is no excuse, I want you to know what was going on in my mind. All I could think was “Here we go again!”, and I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that our whole relationship was a lie, that I was only a rebound, and that you never loved me in the first place. I’m sorry for having those doubts about you. After discussing all of that with Jackie it was clear that I was wrong in making those assumptions, even in the heat of the moment, and that what we had actually was real and true, and we just had problems we couldn’t overcome at the time.

 

All I can say at this point Janay is that I’m very sorry I didn’t do a better job with you. You were my world, and I certainly didn’t act like it at times, nor did I let you know enough that I felt that way about you. That’s something that Seth and I were discussing the other day. I was telling him how I used to rush out of work at 5:00 and race home as quick as I could, because I was so excited to go home and see you standing there, greeting me with a big hug and a kiss, and to hear you say “I love you”. I told him how I always hoped you hadn’t changed out of your work clothes yet because I always thought you looked good in them (I even think I mentioned something about how hot you looked in that white Hilfiger sweater you wore that I liked so much). After telling him about this, he asked me if I ever mentioned any of this to you when we were together, and let you know just how excited I was to come home to you. I told him I didn’t, and as soon as I thought about it I felt horrible. It’s clear I wasn’t always forthcoming with my feelings for you and I shouldn’t have just assumed you knew how I felt. You were always letting me know how you felt, and it seems I failed to do so when I should have.

 

I can’t lie and tell you that I don’t still have feelings for you. I do. I still love you with all my heart. I can tell you with absolute certainty that you will always own a piece of my heart, no matter what the future brings for me. I will always be there if you need me. It has been very difficult not to talk to you. With everything that has happened over the past few months, I’ve continually wanted to talk to you – you were my best friend, my rock, my stability. You were the one who was able to keep me level headed when no one else could. You were what made any rotten days I had better. All it ever took on bad days to feel better was just a look, a touch, a smile, or a kiss from you and everything seemed so much better.

 

Now that the weather has been getting better again, I’ve really been remembering all of the things we did together, and all of the good times we shared. When I was at the Tulip Festival yesterday, I remembered how much fun I had there last year, and how happy I was that you were there with me. I was always so proud to be walking around with you on my arm. I saw a couple of police officers on horseback and remembered how we always talked about going horseback riding and felt sorry we never got around to it. I can tell you that I certainly remember the good times we had. The comedy club at Fresno’s, camping, the Great Escape, hanging out on the boat all summer just being lazy bums laying next to each other in the sun. I recently moved and finally got my bed out of storage, and I must say it felt odd sleeping in it alone. I guess I still really miss you a lot. I’ve missed your voice and the conversations we used to have. I’ve missed all those little phrases you use – I even find myself talking like you from time to time. Just the other day someone was complaining about something at work, and I said “Welcome to my world!” As I said before, you were my best friend Janay, and the one person I always wanted to spend time with.

 

I’m not writing tonight because I want to rehash old issues and argue or because I want to make a play to get you back. We both have our own lives now, and I really hope yours is going well. I’m just writing because after all of the reflection I’ve done, I really wanted to apologize. You deserved better from me, and I really failed you. I admit I try not to think about what I’d be doing now or where we’d be or end up if things had worked out, but sometimes those thoughts pop into my head anyway and I can only wonder - engaged, married, kids, the whole 9 yards. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the asinine things that I have done. I can honestly say I’ve never done anything with the intention of hurting you, and I feel horrible that I did. Now that things have calmed down, and the anger hopefully has subsided on both parts, I hope to speak to you again someday. Not about reconciliation or to argue or rehash things that can’t be changed, but honestly, just to hear your voice and catch up somewhat. You were a big part of my life, and I’d really hate to lose that completely. So, if you are up to it, I’d like to hear from you sometime if you have the time.

 

 

 

Mav,

 

 

I hate to say this because you sound like a nice and caring guy. And all you have heard until now is that this was a nice letter and that it was great that you sent it. Mostly women have commented on this letter and said "oh, how sweet". Here is the reality.

 

I want you to take your right hand and slap yourself in the face for what you did. This letter smells of weakness and lack of confidence. You use words such as "nervous", "scared", "missed you", and so on. She doesn't care if you miss her, she wants to miss you.

 

NEVER, ever admit fault. Especialy to someone who doesn't like you. What were the things you didn't provide? Do you think that if the girl really likes you, wouldn't she have contacted you after she steamed off? Did you sleep with another girl? Did you beat her? Emotionally degrade her to a level where she felt humiliated enough to die? You had arguments, so what? I have seen guys spit on their girls faces and the girl says "I love you baby, I didn't mean it that way". This is an extreme and abusive case but you know what I mean You know why? Because those guys will leave their women anytime they want.

 

The reason why you felt that you were a rebound and that you didn't feel loved was because you WERE a rebound and you WERE never loved. You felt this because it was there. How many girls would make you feel that way if they really loved you?

 

Why do you love someone like this? Why would you be there for them? Stop the guilt. Relationship works both ways. She didn't do her part either.

 

As soon as you said I love you and I will be there for you. She read this and said "I got this dude wrapped". She is sleeping with someone else right now and loves it. You know why? Cause he doesn't care about her, he is still a challenge. Hurts doesn't it? Good. Use that to get rid of this scam artist.

 

This letter pushed her way, way, way away. It is extremely weak and emotional. She wanted a letter saying. "Listen, I tried my best and you just didn't want to do anything about it", "Im glad you broke up with me cause I was going to do it first". "I'll see you on the other side".

 

Bottom line.....She wants something she can't have....The best way to fix this is treat her like crap anytime you see, hear, or talk to her friends. Tell them "that chick is history, I met someone that is much hotter, I am so glad she broke it off". She needs to know that you have lost every feeling you wrote in this letter. BOTTOM LINE....Don't love someone who doesn't give a damn about you....

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

There was nothing manly and triumphant about that letter, Mav100.

 

You, of course, shouldn't have sent it. But it's done now. No going back. It is in the past.

 

You will always be wondering about this whole ordeal -the letter, her silence, your uneasiness.

 

But you have your answer now. I suppose she didn't care enough to work out the problems in the relationship and at least respond to your letter.

 

She Won -that's how she is perceiving this whole mess and your weakness in the letter as. She choose to walk away. She was smart enough to find another guy.

 

Do you know why this is getting to you? Because you don't want to feel like the Loser. You want to Win as well. You want her to come forward and confirm the letter -and how she feels about the whole situation. You want her to feel like she was a bit of a Loser too.

 

Don't beat yourself up. I know it hurts. From now onwards, though, take care of yourself and understand that with time your heart will forget about her.

 

Sand&Water

[funkybassplayer]

whats done is done, ok it did come over as weak, but at the time you thought it was right (but im guessing you sent it feeling in an emotional state) Now you have to forget it.

 

You know what helped me, i drew a line on a table, and half was her and her life, the other was mine. look at your half of the table, and dont stray into hers. If you do thats crossed the line. If you stay on your half there is no danger, only a clear side. Hers is full of clutter! Stay on your half, and you will be just fine!

[Double D]

Im a guy and thought it was a top letter.

 

Sure I too wrote a very simular letter to my ex and untimately it did push her further and further away, which was sad as we were slowly trying to be 'just friends' but after the letter it she definately become my cold and destinte towards me. She did respond to my letter and her reply wasnt what I was hoping but fair enough.

 

Im glad I wrote it. I got stuff off my chest, I took my part of responsiblity for the relationship failing and stuff.

 

Now working on my life and my goals and on me.

 

Be glad you sent the letter mav100, break up sucks - BIG TIME! and it is paramount to work through the best you can and in a respectful and dignified manner, afterall you have to be true to yourself.

 

Im sure in her silence speaks volumes and maybe gives you that answer you need. Good letter though and good for you for sending.

[pineapple2007]

It was a lovely letter. if I got a letter like that I would probably consider going back to u!

I dont know ur full story or how long u have been broken up.

It TRULY shows how mature you are and how much you have grown. I totally understand where u are coming from with this letter. I have always contemplated ones just like it. To apologize coz I felt guilty when a break up happened. I have gotten as far as writing them... but no sending... but to a best friend I actually sent 1.

 

I am sure part of sending it was because you really wanted to get someone of that stuff off your chest so u can now have peace of mind and move on completely. I hope you have gotten that.

Good for you.

[oppath]

Dude, I understand where you are at. I've sent a couple letters apologizing to my ex, wanting to at some point be friends, but let's look at some facts.

 

(1) She dumped me, and things did not add up, and despite me telling her this she persisted.

(2) 3 times I told her to give me space, no contact for a couple months on her end, so I could heal, and eventually we could maybe be friends because our social circles overlapped. After the third time, she emailed me asking to be friends with benefits. I crassly told her no, and rather than say "****, I'm sorry, I must have really insulted you, you are right that you deserve so much more than that" she said "I was just joking." No she wasn't, she wanted to use me when I was hurt and vulnerable, and if she was joking, it's abusive.

(3) She didn't tell me her ex proposed to her 2 weeks before the breakup, when she started acting distant. He never knew about me, despite dating me for 6 months, her telling me she loved me. Apparently she would talk to him a couple times a week, and he even visited her a few times when he came into town.

(4) She accepted christmas gifts from me AFTER (3), and after I called her out on acting distant.

(5) She essentially went on a date with a guy when I was gone over Christmas. I'm iffy on this, as she went to a football game with a brother of a friend and I think two others...she is a big fan. BUT I don't think she paid her half, and to me, that equals date. Given the other **** going on, I don't know what to think, but bottom line is she didn't reassure me when she was acting distant and I asked "WTF is up."

 

Whether (5) was a date or not, and despite the fact she said no to her ex...SHE STILL CHEATED. Maybe not physically, but she had inappropriate contact with men while she was in a relationship. She did betray trust, and she was not fully faithful. Had she not dumped me...she still wouldn't have told me about the ex trying to get her back to "spare my feelings." What if I would have found out about this 1 year down the line? I would have dumped her!! She was unfaithful.

 

She was a two-timing lying cheating WHORE! Why would I want to be friends with someone who LIED TO ME, DIRECTLY and BY OMISSION.

 

Like you, after the FWB request, I sent some scathing emails, calling her selfish, claiming I felt like a rebound, used, etc. WELL I WAS USED, I was a rebound. Slap me ten times please. This doesn't mean all of our relationship was a lie or she didn't care, but she didn't care enough, she didn't care as I deserved to be cared for. In fact, she didn't care enough about my well being to want me to move on to a better relationship. FWB, less than two weeks after a non-mutual breakup when I told her to give me space to heal...that is abusive. That is a slap to the face. She is a lying, two timing WHORE. Yes, there were many good things about our relationship, some incredible experiences, and she is not necessarily a bad person. But how she treated me WAS BAD! **** that bitch. She was a bitch to me. According to my values, she did cheat on me, regardless of physical cheating. She was not faithful.

 

Dude, I know why you sent the letter. You want to feel like it was real. You want affirmation she did really care. There were so many things you did like about her, you are lonely and miss those things, and you would like to retain those things in your life. **** THIS BITCH. Whether she physically cheated with her ex or not, she had inappropriate EMOTIONAL involvement with him. The reason she blamed you for everything (I read your prior posts) is because SHE WAS GUILTY. When someone has something to hide and acts distant, usually, they blame the other person as possessive, jealous, and insecure. When they have nothing to hide, they understand where the other person is coming from and make changes to reassure that person. She lied to you directly, and lied to you by omission.

 

Friends do not lie to friends. They don't. Lies, even small white ones, have no place in any kind of relationship. She is a lier. I know you miss her -- I miss my ex -- and how it feels to be cheated. She did the damage, not you. She did the damage.

 

My ex too placed blame on me and I lost some mutual friendships. "I crossed lines and burned bridges" they claimed because I expressed mean words to her IN RESPONSE TO HER SAYING "I was just joking" when I told her no to her **** buddy request. What the **** is that? She crossed lines, but since she couldn't admit to people she did, I am to blame. Yeah. Right. And because I learned about her ex's proposal, I admit, I tried to get revenge and threatened to contact him and tell him about me. I then apologized. **** it. I should have done it. She lied to him, just as she lied to me. Again, did I really burn bridges there? She lied to me, she betrayed my trust, she was unfaithful. She hid important information from me. No, blame was placed on me because she wasn't capable of saying "I'm sorry. I should have told you about that. It was wrong of me to hide it from you. He had nothing to do with the breakup, I did not go back to him. I wanted to spare your feelings because I knew you'd be hurt by that information. I can see how I was wrong to do that." That is how I would respond if the situation was reversed and a woman leveled harsh words at me.

 

You are not to blame. Yes, within a relationship, two parties or to blame, or no party, most of the time. But she did lie to you, she did cheat on you. You got in arguments? So what. You got in arguments because she wasn't being fully honest with you. Had she been honest with you, those arguments would have not taken place. So it is NOT your fault. Damn straight, if someone is acting distant, you are going to call them out on it. If they had nothing to hide, they wouldn't act distant, or they would fully fess up immediately.

 

Don't apologize to this woman again. Get it in your head that not all woman cheat, not all woman are dishonest. Your ex was an unfaithful, lying, WHORE, just like mine.

 

The self doubt phase you are in is good, as there were surely good and bad things about the relationship, and after time, it is important to remember the good and bad. But if you are still blaming yourself, apologizing for sins you did not commit, I'd say get angry again.

 

It's finally just now hitting me that I my anger phase was really self anger for allowing myself to be taken advantage of and for expressing any anger at her at all (largely because it would have ruined any chance of reconciliation, as if I were at fault for that). I never went through an anger at her phase. I'm just now realizing I had NOTHING to apologize for. Someone else mentioned it...within a relationship, people occassionally resort to name calling and they work it out. So what if I called my ex pathetic for being so passive and selfish...SHE WAS. Saying those things is not immutable as it was not a baseless reaction, it was a reaction to being LIED TO and intensely disrespected via her FWB request. My reactions didn't burn bridges or make things worse, HER ACTIONS DID. I had nothing to apologize for. Nothing. I don't have to apologize for expressing anger towards someone whose actions and words HURT ME BAD. I'm the only one owed an apology. Sure, I wasn't perfect in the relationship, I made mistakes, but the way things went down was bull****. She did the damage.

 

Hate your ex. Then, realize you are not a victim, but you have nothing for which to apologize. Every girl I've met -- even those who have cheated -- has sided with me when I tell them my story. "Dude, you were ****ed over." My ex is a great woman, but she treated me bad when things ended. She does not deserve me as a friend. Your ex does not deserve you. Drop her from your life, drop any desire for her. Be a man, and realize it is ok to express anger, it is ok to feel jealous, and it is not wrong to feel those things. Your feelings weren't baseless. Reacting was not baseless. She lied to you. It is not forgiveable. Lying to someone close to you is not forgiveable.

[Jack'a]

*Copy & Paste*

 

 

Oppath... That was a eye opener... Starting to realize that myself for my situation... thanks!