djsdoxie Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I met a man online late last year. His wife divorced him after 8 years and three kids. He would have stayed for the kids (his parents divorced). The divorce was final only a year ago. The ex-wife was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. It was a marriage characterized by terrible fighting and a complete lack of concern for the other person's feelings (more her than him, but some rubbed off on him). She still holds all the power because of the kids and tortures him every chance she gets. He is getting stronger everyday, but has failed to realize that he allows her this power over him. He has a history of very short relationships, except for this marriage. When we met, he was over the top crazy for me. I just thought he was over-zealous. He was caring, complimentary, and emotionally mature. He talked about the possibility of a future together all the time. We just clicked. We have an intellectually rapport, similar senses of humor and amazing physical chemistry. He told me I was one of his closest friends and that we had better communication than any relationship he had ever been in. I took him for granted and he dumped me. I deserved it and asked him for another chance. I haven't made the same mistake again. He has changed and it happens around anniversaries, like 3 and 6 months. He was so happy on our 3 month anniversary and then dumped me the next day. His life is a mess and I know his ex was really mean to him that day. He can't seem to separate the two relationships. In addition he lost his job and had to move in with a friend temporarily. His ex also won't reduce the child support to adjust for his lower salary at his new job, which he hates. He isn't at a good place in his life. He is afraid of commitment. He is petrified of making the same mistake. That is ok with me because I want to take it slow. I'm in the process of getting divorced (after a long separation and therapy) and am not in a hurry. We were slowly working on our relationship. We don't get to spend that much time together because he has to work 65 hours a week and has his kids on the weekends. I made a mistake. I found out from others about how truly terrible his wife was and bent over backwards to show him I was different. When he tested his limits, I took too much. I was a doormat, which really isn't me. I think I quit being a challenge and he took me for granted, as I had done to him. He has me so confused. In the last month he got his nipple pierced for me (he asked me if I'd like that and told me he did it for me), told me how much he missed me when I was away on business, went through hell to get my birthday off of work so we could be together, talked about our future again, and said his dad told him he'd be a fool to let me go and that he agreed. Enter our 6 month anniversary. We were going to go out and celebrate. The day before our anniversary, he dumps me. He said that I'm annoying to talk to on the phone. He had a bad cell phone and I could only hear every other word. He was all over the board from I can't be exclusive to I never want to see you again, even as friends. We settled on a break. I told him that I was going to live my life and if he wanted to try again, we'd see if that window of opportunity was still open. This happened 10 days before his birthday. As he was leaving I asked him to wait because I had a birthday card that was perfect for him. He smiled and said he couldn't take it because it wasn't his birthday yet. ??? Like I'm going to see him in the next ten days, but we broke up??? I didn't contact him on his birthday and I know he thought I would. He emailed me a mass email a few days later. We never emailed and it appeared to me to be a cheap way of reopening contact. I ignored it. A few days later he called and left a message. He just wanted to say hi and see how I was. I should call him back if I wanted to. He sounded like he was regretting his decision. I texted him 2 days later and teased him about the mass email. He responded back in 4 minutes. I was busy so I didn't get to text him again. An hour later he sends me so much info it takes two texts. He joked about the email, and updated me on stuff in his life. I called him and he was so friendly. The call lasted 40 minutes at a time when he really did not have the time to talk (He was at work). We had some things that belonged to each other. We agreed to meet the next evening. He came over and sat on the sofa. He could have sat at the kitchen table and kept his distance. I had to show him something, so he had his arm around the back of the sofa and around me. He had his leg wrapped around mine. He was very friendly and spent a lot of time asking me about my life and updating me on his. He didn't just get the stuff and leave. Even when everything was exchanged, he still hung around. Eventually he had to go. He hugged me and I asked him if I could kiss him. We kissed a lot. I asked him if he missed me and his response was "Can't you tell?" He pushed his hips into me and he was hard. We fooled around and I wanted to have sex. He stopped me and said that he didn't want it to be like this: just a quicky (he had to get home and was late already) with him dirty from work. I asked him why he contacted me. He said the email was by accident, which I don't believe because he never once sent me an email by mistake in 8 months. He called to see how I was doing. I said why didn't you just leave me alone? He didn't have an answer. When I push him he says stuff he swears he doesn't remember saying and completely contradicts himself. He seems to shut off in arguments, a holdover from his marriage, I think. We were all over from I don't want to date you, I don't want you as a girlfriend right now to let's start over as friends and work up to dating, we'd "just masturbate until we were ready to have sex again". He told me that he needs time to get his life together (something I'd told him before), and that he absolutely isn't dating anyone else and does not plan on dating anyone else (This was stressed). He knows if he told me he was dating others that I would be gone. I told him again that I was moving on and would not be waiting for him. He joked maybe we'd end up friends and compare sex stories. So, I gave him a small taste of what a guy had said to me lately. He quickly changed to maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. He pushes me away and pulls me back constantly. He never will let go completely. I'm free to call and talk anytime I want and he will do the same. I should call him and suggest something to do together. what??? I love him. I do. I hope that he is just so hurt and confused by the divorce that he needs time to get his life back together before he can be with anyone. He never had a problem letting go of other women, just me. I'm his second longest relationship, after his marriage. My plan is to not contact him. It seems like when I do, he pulls away but when I don't he comes to me. I'm going to try to move on and continue dating. He needs time to get over his divorce. My friends think I will hear from him again, that he can't stay away. The question is: Is he just a player? Is he insane and will never change or is he a mess from the divorce and needs time to heal? Am I just not "the one"? Have I already lost him? Any insight would be great. I don't want to lose him but I won't be a doormat.
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