loveardently Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I hope someone here has the patience to read all of this. I started to like this guy a lot. For me, liking someone is very -- well, a step toward something that I’m not usually accustomed to. I don’t trust very easily - in fact, I try not to because I know I’m just setting myself up for the pain of lies or something, but for the first time I trusted a friend of mine, a friend of his for six years, enough to tell her that I liked him. I asked her if she liked him and she told me that she didn’t, that she liked her other guy friend, Chris. I asked because I don’t want any conflict in the future. I wanted to make sure that this “great” friendship that we had wouldn’t be jeopardized. Somehow this guy found out that she liked the other guy - and he came up to me and said, “I think its cool that they like each other - I mean, they are meant to be.” I looked at him and without thinking said, “Oh yeah - I know. I think its cool too.” And he was like, “Hah! I knew it.” Basically he set me up to figure out if she liked this guy because he knew this guy liked her - or at least did a week or two before. (How can you just stop liking someone anyway?) But she thought, after he talked to her about it, that I was the one that told him so without me being around asked him if he liked me and he said no. I don’t think - well, I have this feeling that was the moment she told him that she didn’t want him to like me or anything because she liked him. I had figured that they might like one another - not necessarily because the way they acted - but after a long time of knowing someone - you have your emotions go one of three ways - you hate them for something they’ve done, you love them as if they were a sister/brother, or you develop deeper feelings. He still wanted us to be friends, and even though my heart was breaking every time he said friends, I knew that was the way to go, but I still told him that once we got to know each other I wanted to at least see where it would lead us. Her and I took a trip down to the beach and stayed there for a week, just hanging out, and being on the phone with him. I finally got tired of her hogging the phone, so I just went to sleep. Big mistake, because they stayed up until 3am, with her planning their wedding by morning. X_X When we got back, within one week, they started going out - both asking me if it was okay? Why should it be up to me? Why put me in a position where if I say no, I’ll only look incredibly selfish and if I want to be the friend that others obviously are not, then why take something from someone that I couldn’t have? So they’ve been going out since April .. 17th.. Or so. Anyway, but he told me the main reason he said yes was because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He still has feelings for his ex-gf that broke up with him a couple of months ago - or at least, he doesn’t feel ready to make the commitment she is asking for. She is constantly talking about marriage - but coming in January he wants to move in with me so that we can share an apartment as friends. I’m going to be working a lot during the summer at the beach and then coming back - giving them three months to like each other even more. They’ve been saying I love you to each other for a couple of years - and she chose, “I swear” as “THEIR” song. Urgh. Personally, I feel that her constantly talking about marriage is pressuring him and he is just one of those people that, in order to not hurt her feelings, he doesn’t want to admit that he has second thoughts. I do have to say that I’m 18, he’s 17, 18 Jan - and she is 16. I’m not saying I want to commit my entire life to him, but - I don’t want to give up on something that I know could have been something. They share nothing in common and we share everything in common. Even she told me that she sometimes feel that we get along so well and have so much in common that she sometimes feels as if we should be the ones going out… but of course, she says that she would never do that. He does share a lot with me and he told me that he didn’t feel a connection and got me to promise not to tell her. That same night, he calls me and says, “Hey, I felt a connection. I don’t know why, but I did.” What I feel is ironic is that it was right after he left - and maybe he didn’t trust me enough to not tell her, therefore he made it where I wouldn’t be able to tell her. He knows that I like him, and although I don’t want to go as far to say that I love him, I can say that I feel very deeply for him. I’m not sure whether or not I should refuse to live with him, literally stabbing myself in the back every day because I know that I’m not going to stop liking him. I want to say I love him, but I don’t want to seem like one of those people - young people in particular - that assume liking is loving. Anyway, I’d love to hear some takes on the situation and I can give more information if its needed. Thanks you guys!
vegetarianqt Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I want to tell you something. This guy needs some time to grow up. When I read that he agreed to go out with your friend not to hurt her feelings, well, only a boy would do that. A man would understand that it's better to hurt someone's feelings now rather than string them along until later. His heart isn't totally with her, it's not totally with you, it's not totally with his ex-girlfriend. Bits and pieces are with each of you. I'm sure you all demonstrate great qualities he likes and you aren't holding onto something you can't have. The thing is, right now if you choose to move on it, you won't have all of him.He's really confused. He's really young too. And the fact that they are talking about marriage already, that's scary. I believe in young love. I believe that it can be legitimate. The only thing is that the person you are at 16, 17, or 18 isn't going to be the same person when you're 25. Guys need these years to really figure out what who they are, what they have to offer, what they are looking for in a mate. Girls need that time too. I have always believed this to be true: The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person. If you wait and if it is the right person, then he'll still be the right person when the time is right. Does that make sense? My advice to you is to be his friend. Be that rock in his life when his feelings are going in all sorts of directions. But don't initiate anything. Guys need time to appreciate what's right in front of them. They don't do well under pressure. They have this pride thing where they have to realize things on their own. Show him you're a good catch by being a good friend and fill your life with other people and other activities. Don't let him be the main attraction.
SydneyHeart Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I think you are going to hurt yourself if you move in somewhere together with this guy. He doesn't want to date you or be with you that way - if he did, you would be. The only thing that might change if you are living together is that he might get lonely and USE his good friend for a shoulder to lean on - then go about his business as usual leaving you and your feelings alone. Would you really want him romantically after he has been with your friend anyway? Sounds like nothing but heartache to me. Be his friend - but don't be so close that you will be hurt even more - don't live together. Be your girl friends friend too - she's not doing it to hurt you, she's doing it because it's available. It's not going to last between them, and they will both come to you, and you don't want to be living with either of them when that happens either! Find someone a little more mature, as you sound quite mature for 18. Find someone who finds you fascinating and only wants to talk to YOU until 3am Then you can drive your 2 friends MAD talking about him all night long and how wonderful he is and how in love you are! hahaha Good luck!
sveltskye Posted June 3, 2007 Posted June 3, 2007 I agree with SydneyHeart- I wouldn't move in with him if I were you. I think you need at least some space if you're going to get over him enough so that this situation doesn't torture you. And I hope you do, I really feel for you because it sounds pretty painful from your end to have to be supportive when you've got a yen for this guy. It also might cause some strife with your friend if they're still going out since she knows that you like/d him and you don't want that. Good luck, and don't worry. You've got so much ahead of you and things will change so much for you when you move out. It will work out one way or another.
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