randuff Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I have continuously broken NC. Called her today and the conversation went well. She seems to have moved on somewhat, getting a new apartment in a few months and getting a new gym membership. We spoke briefly about what happened and she explained it to me like this. She doesn't know why she did what she did (cheated) other than the fact that she is eff'd up in the head and she needs alone time and get to know herself. She tells me she never wanted to hurt me the way that she did and loves me still, and I genuinly believe her. She has a good heart, always looking out for others and not thinking about herself. I know that apparently wasn't thinking of anyone but herself when she cheated but I dunno. She wants to remain friends and tells me that I am the only one who has ever been a true friend, not passing judgement, not making her feel guilty about things. She did say that she knows it would be hard for me to be her friend after what happened. She said she is worried about my well being and that talking to her wouldn't be a good idea if it just puts me back to square one. She doesn't want to give me false hope and hurt me anymore. The problem is that I want to be her friend. We have been through a lot together and she knows me better than anyone. We could finish each other's sentences and know what each other was thinking. But it does hurt. Knowing that the best thing is for me not to contact her and move on but I still want to hold on to her as a friend. She wants time to find herself and get to know who she is and I want her to do that as well, it would do worlds of good for her. But she also wants to be able to call me when she has a bad day at work, or is scared, or lonely or just feeling like she needs to get some things off her chest....She also says she misses my son...... Call me Mr. Doormat :-( I guess this all comes down to me missing her so much and not being able to "fix" her problems in finding herself. I have good days and bad and today is a terribly bad one. I just wish there were a magic pill to make the pain go away and not dwell over what I cannot control. I have always been the non-stressed, nothing brings you down, Mr. Easy going, don't fret over what you cannot control kinda guy and this is a huge slap in my face. I apologize for my constant posts in regards to this but it relieves the pain to some degree and posting lets me get things off my chest. Ran
oppath Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Don't be so hard on yourself. While everyone preaches no contact, it's perfectly natural, and for some people probably better, to slowly fade away. You are getting the closure you need. That is a good thing, and at least she takes responsibility for her mistakes. One thing I don't agree with is her need to "find herself." I've always hated that statement. There are times in my life where I don't want a relationship, but finding myself is never a reason not to be in one. I am always changing as a person, and I will always need time to myself to grow as an individual, but this does not exclude growing as a couple. Try to cut down on the contact. Don't give yourself anything more than a slight slap on the wrist for contacting her. It is ok. It may be easier for you than the cold turkey approach. Just know that you need to move on and to do that, you need distance. It's ok to have moments where you try to become close to her. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
Lizzie60 Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I have continuously broken NC. Called her today and the conversation went well. She seems to have moved on somewhat, getting a new apartment in a few months and getting a new gym membership. We spoke briefly about what happened and she explained it to me like this. She doesn't know why she did what she did (cheated) other than the fact that she is eff'd up in the head and she needs alone time and get to know herself. She tells me she never wanted to hurt me the way that she did and loves me still, and I genuinly believe her. She has a good heart, always looking out for others and not thinking about herself. I know that apparently wasn't thinking of anyone but herself when she cheated but I dunno. She wants to remain friends and tells me that I am the only one who has ever been a true friend, not passing judgement, not making her feel guilty about things. She did say that she knows it would be hard for me to be her friend after what happened. She said she is worried about my well being and that talking to her wouldn't be a good idea if it just puts me back to square one. She doesn't want to give me false hope and hurt me anymore. The problem is that I want to be her friend. We have been through a lot together and she knows me better than anyone. We could finish each other's sentences and know what each other was thinking. But it does hurt. Knowing that the best thing is for me not to contact her and move on but I still want to hold on to her as a friend. She wants time to find herself and get to know who she is and I want her to do that as well, it would do worlds of good for her. But she also wants to be able to call me when she has a bad day at work, or is scared, or lonely or just feeling like she needs to get some things off her chest....She also says she misses my son...... Call me Mr. Doormat :-( I guess this all comes down to me missing her so much and not being able to "fix" her problems in finding herself. I have good days and bad and today is a terribly bad one. I just wish there were a magic pill to make the pain go away and not dwell over what I cannot control. I have always been the non-stressed, nothing brings you down, Mr. Easy going, don't fret over what you cannot control kinda guy and this is a huge slap in my face. I apologize for my constant posts in regards to this but it relieves the pain to some degree and posting lets me get things off my chest. Ran From what I read I think you need to leave her alone... Wait for her to contact you... I know it's hard, but you've got to move on. If you contact her again, she will see you as being desperate and trust me this is a huge turn-off for any woman. I know it's not easy but you won't be the first nor the last with this kind of pain. Write as much as you need to on here. If it helps...hey, go for it. Take everything off your chest, if it makes you feel better. Good luck!
Author randuff Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 One thing I don't agree with is her need to "find herself." I've always hated that statement. The reason she states this is because for the last 9 years she has been in a relationship. 4 years with a guy, then a month later 9 months with a guy, then 2 months later 4 years with me and engaged to be married. She has never had time to herself, the first guy was abusive the second got her into drugs badly and then there was me ( a perfect guy ) She grew up in a home where the parents always fought and she had to take care of her younger brother a lot starting at 10 years old so she has issues. She has promised me she is going to go to counseling to resolve these issues she has with relationships, family etc and I want the best for her thats all. I love her with all my heart and just want her to feel good about herself...... Come to think about it, as I type this I am thinking this is exactly what I need to do!
Aquarius Guy Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Dear Randuff, It sounds like you are a good listener. She apparently shared ideas with you today. I try to use periods of time for no contact. Call her every so often. Have you been able to find a path that seems compatible with hers? You said you were on different paths. Can you get over her cheating on you? She might be more reliable having slipped. Blessings .
Author randuff Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 I am a really good listener. However everytime I talk to her I feel really good for a few hours then I start missing her terribly. I dunno, I can go without texting her or talking to her but it seems difficult for me not to call or text just to say how was your day and stuff..... I just need to set a goal of NC for 2 weeks and then review how I feel after that 2 weeks and set another goal for myself.
Aquarius Guy Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 What is your approach to fidelity? Is that supposed to happen automatically? When infidelity occurs, what are the range of options for your response? What are some effective ways a man can recover from his woman having an affair? Have you asked for a no contact letter, that she will not see the guy with whom the affair occurred? Have you looked at Dr. Willard Harley's book, Recovering from an Affair? How does not seeing her help her from having more affairs? Blessings .
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