dropdeadlegs Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Just by posting concerns in the other thread, it suggests that you are learning to recognize red flags. That's improvement right there! I'm a "professional" red flag ignore-er and I have such empathy for you right now. I'm still early in the learning process of treading lightly and carefully in the early romance stage. There is quite a bit of pain and anxiety for me in the "smitten" stage when something suddenly changes. Please try to believe that it is not your fault and that you did nothing terribly wrong in gambling with your heart. I don't like that your gut reaction is not dating/having sex again. You know that is unrealistic, and simply a survival technique fit only for a moments thought. Try to recognize this event as a red flag should he have a plausible reason for this recent behavior and you determine the relationship is worth pursuing further. It is hard to rein in our feelings and emotions when dealing with the adrenaline/seratonin/pheromone rush involved in early romance. Above all, SG, you are not alone in how you are feeling or reacting. I know EXACTLY where you are right now, and it can be debilitating.
allina Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 this thread is makeing me feel so guilty about the women I went out with a few times then had sex with them and then split, never to see them again. I feel bad cause these girls liked me and I just used them like a cheap paper towel.... Right, Alpha if I slept with you or someone like you I'd want you out asap before you had the chance to open your trap SG, while I do think everything is fine, and I KNOW you did nothing wrong, one thing bothers me. In my opinion guys that lay on the charm super thick (tons of affection, compliments, attention) are sometimes full of it. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like too much too soon is a bit of a red flag. I felt this when you posted the mushy talk thread but I didn't want to be negative in a happy and promising situation.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 SG, while I do think everything is fine, and I KNOW you did nothing wrong, one thing bothers me. In my opinion guys that lay on the charm super thick (tons of affection, compliments, attention) are sometimes full of it. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like too much too soon is a bit of a red flag. I felt this when you posted the mushy talk thread but I didn't want to be negative in a happy and promising situation. You think everything is fine in what sense?? In retrospect, I agree with you that he laid in on super thick quickly. That may or may not have been the "real him." I just have to wait and see.
allina Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 You think everything is fine in what sense?? In the sense that there is a good chance he is interested and simply trying to take a more relaxed approach and be less in your face. And if he isn't, know that it isn't because of you. If he is an ass or has some weird hangups it's better that you find out now than later.
Touche Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 You think everything is fine in what sense?? In retrospect, I agree with you that he laid in on super thick quickly. That may or may not have been the "real him." I just have to wait and see. Chance are highly unlikely that it was the "real him". That is not consistent with the way he has acted after he slept with you. He layed on the charm to try to seal the deal and now he doesn't have to anymore. He can go back to being his real self. And excellent point, Allina. That IS a red flag..when they're over the top nice like that. But that's a tough call sometimes...my H was super nice when we met and we were dating. So you never know on that front..could be the "read deal" OR an act. Only time tells...and I think SG, you already have your answer. A true gentleman doesn't act like this in my opinion. I'm sorry, but I lost track here..how long has it been that you slept with him and he hasn't called?
Author Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 Touche: Saturday night AND Sunday morning. I left his place around noon on Sunday. He went on duty that next morning (he's a firefighter), and has had today off, but then starts a new position (an important promotion) tomorrow morning (which is also my birthday). So as of right now, it's been 3 days with no call, only responses to texts. Also...there's something that's been looming in this thread that I didn't focus on... we didn't DATE for a month. We've KNOWN each other for a month...we actually did move really quickly physically speaking.
DanielMadr Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 you know what? i'm going to be honest...i've never been through this. i have never, not once, had a guy disrespect me, or show me disrespect at least, after 'early sex'. i always heard what everyone says "don't give it up too soon", the cow and free milk and all that, but it's never happened that i have been treated any differently by a guy after sleeping with him, whether it be 1 hour after meeting him or 1 week. and this isn't me saying "oh la la, look at me, i've never been disrespected despite my loosey-goosey behavior." i just cannot believe that there are men out there who honestly act and think this way. i mean, i know people have been saying this for years, but hello? a little hypocrisy anyone? sorry, maybe this should have been another thread. sorry stargazer, and i'm sorry that something so unnecessary has you upset. Because its not about when; it is about who you sleep with You have a good taste.
Touche Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Touche: Saturday night AND Sunday morning. I left his place around noon on Sunday. He went on duty that next morning (he's a firefighter), and has had today off, but then starts a new position (an important promotion) tomorrow morning (which is also my birthday). So as of right now, it's been 3 days with no call, only responses to texts. Also...there's something that's been looming in this thread that I didn't focus on... we didn't DATE for a month. We've KNOWN each other for a month...we actually did move really quickly physically speaking. Well, stop beating yourself up. He's obviously no gentleman. A true gentleman would have called by now, as I've said. Daniel got it right. It's not about when you slept together but who you slept with. That's exactly what I was trying to say earlier but he got down to the nitty-gritty in a very succinct way. Let this one go. You don't need therapy over this. Just learn from it. You'll get better at picking a good man as you gain more experience.
tanbark813 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 he's a firefighter He probably has brain damage from smoke inhalation and deafening sirens.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 He probably has brain damage from smoke inhalation and deafening sirens. I'd like to inflict some brain damage, and I can be deafening as well.
DanielMadr Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Sg dont be so hard on yourself. At least you had a great sex!!! Yeah going on too strong too fast is red flag. Talking bad about ex is a red flag. etc. etc. So what. He is one lucky bastard to give two red flags and got laid But its not like he is some serial killer. He is not perfect. So what. And I still think you may have a chance with him. Its hard to imagine he was so nice to you only to dump you afterwards. Actually being so nice like him would freak out most of the girls, so I dont think it was tactic. And he wanted to go to your birthday party. He is fireman? Hoooray. At least give him a call and show him you care. Sounds like he was burnt in the past too. Maybe he is not on top of his "game".
sb129 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 I am pulling for you. I think most of us women have been through this at some point. Aw me too SG, I really feel for you I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been there a few times. It sucks. I was so happy to hear you had found a new man. But its not YOUR fault. I personally don't think you slept with him too early, and DanielMadr made a great point about it not being when you sleep with them but WHO. Or is it whom? Entering a new R is a risky business. You open yourself up to getting hurt, and if you have been hurt, you know how bad it feels, therefore alot of people rightly feel anxious about putting their hearts on the line again. And when you realise you really care about someone, its right to feel vulnerable, because you now know they have the potential to hurt you. You need to take the power back, and this isn't a game- this is reminding yourself that you CAN be single, you WILL get over this if it ends, there are other men out there, and he is LUCKY to have you. You know first hand that even if it seems like the most awful thing in the world, if you never see him again, you WILL survive. I think once you start thinking like that, it will make it easier, whatever the outcome of the situation. He has already told you not to worry so much, and I think the Play it cool, don't call him advice is great. Let HIM do the chasing. And if he doesn't- one month ago, this guy wasn't even part of your life, and you were a kickass great chick getting on just fine. You are still that woman. You give some great advice to other people, and you always come across as being confident and smart, and I like you. I really hope it works out for you.
Krytellan Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 OK, everyone just WHOOOAAAA a minute. Let's be careful about now marking kindness and a passionate show of emotion as warning signs. It's the only things good guys have to offer early in a relationship because you can't count on them for staying distant, dangling attention over you, trailing you along for no reason, or planning how they are going to "conquer" you. If you take away a nice guy's one skill... or worse, consider it a red flag, you will forever be screwed by the wrong guys (pun intended). You know, the ones who act just like you want them to until they are done. While we're at it, let's say all dog-loving guys are bad because they obviously just own a dog to impress chicks. SHEESH...
sb129 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Actually, I dont think there are any warning signs per se with respect to SGs situation. I think her guy is still into her, but her perception of the situation has changed due to some changes in his behaviour. I just want her to see that its not her fault, and that she is a great woman, and not to be so hard on herself or over analytical. Easier said than done, I have been there myself. For the record, my Wonderboy has been nothing but loveliness personified thru our entire six month R. We slept together after a few weeks... and I have never interpreted his loveliness as anything else. He has been very straight with me tho, telling me how he feels and not blowing hot and cold. Sorry SG, I don't want to threadjack with going on about how great my guy is, I can see why you are confused, but I think you should take a step back m and remember all the nice things about your guy, he has sounded pretty good so far.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 You know first hand that even if it seems like the most awful thing in the world, if you never see him again, you WILL survive. I think once you start thinking like that, it will make it easier, whatever the outcome of the situation. He has already told you not to worry so much, and I think the Play it cool, don't call him advice is great. Let HIM do the chasing. And if he doesn't- one month ago, this guy wasn't even part of your life, and you were a kickass great chick getting on just fine. You are still that woman. You give some great advice to other people, and you always come across as being confident and smart, and I like you. Thank you. I really needed to hear that.
allina Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 OK, everyone just WHOOOAAAA a minute. Let's be careful about now marking kindness and a passionate show of emotion as warning signs. I see what you're saying, and I didn't mean to say that someone being very kind and showing feelings for you early on is a warning sign. What is a bit of a red flag is just pouring on the compliments left and right, and being overly affectionate. There is a point where sweetness crosses over to "pouring it on too thick" Actually, I dont think there are any warning signs per se with respect to SGs situation. You should have typed something like "per say" to get SG's mind off of this guy
Pyro Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 SG, how many days has it been since the incident and has he tried to contact you since then?
Author Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 He probably has brain damage from smoke inhalation and deafening sirens. I heart you. You always know exactly the right things to say.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 SG, how many days has it been since the incident and has he tried to contact you since then? 3 days, and he hasn't contacted me voluntarily - only responded to my texts. I haven't sent him one since yesterday around 3 or so.
Author Star Gazer Posted May 16, 2007 Author Posted May 16, 2007 I'd like to inflict some brain damage, and I can be deafening as well. DDL - thanks for that. I feel so loved here today.
sb129 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Thank you. I really needed to hear that. You are welcome. I wish there was something more I could do. You have my permission to eat alot of chocolate.
Pyro Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 He probably has brain damage from smoke inhalation and deafening sirens. Hey now. I will be doing that in hopefully a year from now and I will not let my job affect how open I am to my SO. His job is no excuse. 3 days, and he hasn't contacted me voluntarily - only responded to my texts. I haven't sent him one since yesterday around 3 or so. Hmmmmm it may just me but if I was truly interested in someone, I wouldn't let this much time pass before I contacted her.
sb129 Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 3 days, and he hasn't contacted me voluntarily - only responded to my texts. I haven't sent him one since yesterday around 3 or so. His job is no excuse. Hmmmmm it may just me but if I was truly interested in someone, I wouldn't let this much time pass before I contacted her. After hearing that, I am starting to agree with you Rid. As much as I don't want to.
Touche Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Hey now. I will be doing that in hopefully a year from now and I will not let my job affect how open I am to my SO. His job is no excuse. Hmmmmm it may just me but if I was truly interested in someone, I wouldn't let this much time pass before I contacted her. But you're a classy guy. Of course you wouldn't let 3 days go by wthout calling if you've slept with a girl. Only jerks don't call the next day. I don't see why some people still think this guy could turn out to be a prince.
Pyro Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 But you're a classy guy. Of course you wouldn't let 3 days go by wthout calling if you've slept with a girl. Only jerks don't call the next day. I don't see why some people still think this guy could turn out to be a prince. Thats the point of my post. Since he has yet to call, I fear the worst for SG.
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