I am so upset with myself.

[alphamale]

this thread is makeing me feel so guilty about the women I went out with a few times then had sex with them and then split, never to see them again. I feel bad cause these girls liked me and I just used them like a cheap paper towel....

[dropdeadlegs]

BTW guys, I just remembered that this is the guy who said that bitter and angry stuff before about women/his ex's. Remember that thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118002/

Hmmm. The link as well as the lack of mushy behavior since you left him Sunday does have me concerned. Initially I was very hopeful and considered many of the positive posted possibilities as more likely than he has lost interest in any way. I was leaning towards him being very busy and not much of a morning person. Now I'm not so sure....mostly because of the bitter/angry talk in the beginning of the relationship. However, I must assume that any talk of that nature had ceased. I was even okay with the "You worry too much. Just go with the flow, it usually leads to great things..." sentence thinking he was just trying to reassure you that he wasn't having any negative thoughts.

 

The sudden change in atmosphere from "mushy" to cordial to barely contacting you is bothersome to me. I would be freaked out by that, by today, myself. I initially thought you were likely overreacting to the feeling that you should have delayed sexual activity.

 

I don't think a month is too short to wait for sex at all. I usually give in sooner than that with much internal struggle about doing so. His actions the following morning seemed fine to me, but I don't like the change in tone concerning contact.

 

Not trying to make you feel worse, SG, and I hope it turns around with some explanation. However, I admit I'm now suspicious. Maybe he's trying to back off in an effort to keep from getting hurt himself if he's had some bad experiences.

 

I would let this guy make the next move as far as contact and tread carefully from there. If he doesn't call, obviously he is not worth your time. Taking a chance on love or something great is a gamble, so don't be too hard on yourself. It seems like he was worthy of the gamble.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Stargazer, I haven't read all the replies in this thread, but I'll give my opinion based off of what your posts say.

 

To start with, I don't agree with the posters here who say you wait. You didn't have to wait at all. If he was indeed that much into you like you first thought, you wouldn't have been on here, hyperventilating and worrying.

 

It's ridiculous and insulting when a guy appears all into you initially, and then does a sudden volte-face. He cannot and does not make an effort, even when he sees you're trying to reach him and communicate with him. At best, all he can do is send a few lame text message replies.

 

I don't buy the theory that he was trying to play it cool. That's complete BS. If he's into you, he's into you, and that's that. You don't have the time and energy for this bullcrap game of waiting for him to notch up his coolness factor to the desired level.

 

There are guys like this, unfortunately. They start out with a big fuss, and then fizzle out. They launch it on a grand note, then they hotfoot it into reverse gear. They confuse you, and they take you for granted. I'd lose respect for these types altogether.

 

I know this will hurt, but he doesn't want to be with you. It's just as well, you don't need him anyway.

 

So cut your losses, chalk it up to experience, and move on.

[Herzen]

Stargazer, I haven't read all the replies in this thread, but I'll give my opinion based off of what your posts say.

 

To start with, I don't agree with the posters here who say you wait. You didn't have to wait at all. If he was indeed that much into you like you first thought, you wouldn't have been on here, hyperventilating and worrying.

 

It's ridiculous and insulting when a guy appears all into you initially, and then does a sudden volte-face. He cannot and does not make an effort, even when he sees you're trying to reach him and communicate with him. At best, all he can do is send a few lame text message replies.

 

I don't buy the theory that he was trying to play it cool. That's complete BS. If he's into you, he's into you, and that's that. You don't have the time and energy for this bullcrap game of waiting for him to notch up his coolness factor to the desired level.

 

There are guys like this, unfortunately. They start out with a big fuss, and then fizzle out. They launch it on a grand note, then they hotfoot it into reverse gear. They confuse you, and they take you for granted. I'd lose respect for these types altogether.

 

I know this will hurt, but he doesn't want to be with you. It's just as well, you don't need him anyway.

 

So cut your losses, chalk it up to experience, and move on.

 

 

I very much agree. This fellow appears to enjoy the Seduction Phase, where he's all heat, candy, flowers and pheromones. After the woman's bedded, however, a "Cold Front" moves in, and a Big Chill replaces the initial heat.

 

Think of some guys as Weather Maps.

 

This guy appears not to want a relationship with you. He has bedded you. Now it's time to move on to his next lay.

 

The mating game ain't easy, and it's certainly not getting any easier.

[Star Gazer]

In light of what the last few posters have said, should I just go ahead and call him then and get him to admit that he's just not interested anymore? At least that way I won't have to wait anymore...

 

Damnit, my birthday is going to suck, regardless.

[Krytellan]

In light of what the last few posters have said, should I just go ahead and call him then and get him to admit that he's just not interested anymore?

 

It's obvious you are intent on doing this. I have to question what the point of it would be except to make the situation more messy than it already is. Talking with him may only provide for more hurt feeling, more ambiguity, and less knowledge of what is going on. I think there is more than a 50% chance that your situation would be worse after the phone call than it is now.

 

However, it seems to be something you feel strongly about. I would say let it go.

[Star Gazer]

this thread is makeing me feel so guilty about the women I went out with a few times then had sex with them and then split, never to see them again. I feel bad cause these girls liked me and I just used them like a cheap paper towel....

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Alpha... BUT you SHOULD feel guilty. I cannot even begin to describe to you how badly I feel right now.

 

I'm not kidding, I sought out a new therapist yesterday... I haven't seen one since my last very-serious breakup, the feeling in my chest and stomach are the same. I cannot think, eat, barely sleep. He's the last thing I think of before falling asleep, and then I dream about him/this situation, and wake up with the same feeling of foreboding. It's a nightmare... but I still feel like it's my doing. I really do think if I had made him wait, he'd still be around.

[Art_Critic]

In light of what the last few posters have said, should I just go ahead and call him then and get him to admit that he's just not interested anymore? At least that way I won't have to wait anymore...

 

He won't be honest with you and you will hang up being told what you wanted to hear only to be ignored again in a day or 2.

 

By cornering him you will force him to make you feel better..

I would not suggest calling him.. I would however consider dropping off the face of the earth concerning him..

[Krytellan]

It's a nightmare... but I still feel like it's my doing. I really do think if I had made him wait, he'd still be around.

 

Star, it's seriously making me ill watching you find ways to blame yourself. How can you even be serious? You're fooling yourself to think that you alone have that much control over your interactions with others. Some of us are just made to be dishonest.

[Herzen]

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Alpha... BUT you SHOULD feel guilty. I cannot even begin to describe to you how badly I feel right now.

 

I'm not kidding, I sought out a new therapist yesterday... I haven't seen one since my last very-serious breakup, the feeling in my chest and stomach are the same. I cannot think, eat, barely sleep. He's the last thing I think of before falling asleep, and then I dream about him/this situation, and wake up with the same feeling of foreboding. It's a nightmare... but I still feel like it's my doing. I really do think if I had made him wait, he'd still be around.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such distress, SG. I recommend calling him and making him account to you. You deserve an explanation at least, if not a true, loving relationship. Whatever he says, however, will probably not suffice. Still, it might provide you with the beginning of closure.

 

You also might consider posting less, and getting out more. Throw yourself into fun activities (even the law). Don't weep on your keyboard.

 

Get support from real life friends, family and colleagues to help with healing.

 

Good luck.

[dropdeadlegs]

SG, I'm so disappointed in him right now. I was feeling your excitement and longing for you to have found "the one."

 

This is not advice, but what I would do. I hate loose ends and dwindling romances. I like my breaks clean and mendable (apparently not a word, but you get my meaning) versus ragged and hard to heal.

 

I would call and address the noticeable change in temperature as in "what happened?" and allow him an opportunity to explain. Then I'd go from there. I wouldn't even mention the sex, just the lack of what I was accustomed to in the way of communication and sweetness. The hot and cold factors. I would call at a time when I was pretty certain he had several minutes to have a discussion.

 

There could be some explanation.

 

It's not over till it's over, but if it is I'd like to kick some ass on your behalf.

[Touche]

Sorry but I've got to agree with those who tell you not to call him. I can almost guarantee you that it will make you feel worse.

 

Also, it wouldn't have mattered how long you had waited to sleep with him. Please. Talk to happily married couples. Ask the women how long after they met their husbands did they sleep with them and also ask them how their H's (then b/f) treated them afterwards. HINT: It isn't the way THIS guy is treating you. And I don't care how nice he was before he slept with you. The true measure of a man's character is how he treats you AFTERWARDS.

 

Strike this one up as a loss. You didn't do a thing wrong except maybe not pay close attention to his character BEFORE you slept with him.

[milvushina]

Star,

I'm awfully sad to hear about this too. It did sound to me like it went really well. It's bizarre. To be so nice like that, if indeed he already got what he was interested in, and then not even to tell you but to possibly give you hints by his business like text messages...man if that is what he is doing then he is selfish and mean as well as spineless.

 

In fact I agree with DDL that you should just ask him a straightforward way how come things seem different because you were enjoying seeing him. That does not sound too pushy to me. Just seems like it would be best to speak to him.

 

And I wanted to say, because maybe it will make you feel better since everyone seems to agree, that you didn't do anything wrong!! Trust me, I have pretty high standards myself and a lady that sleeps with a guy after a month of dating is not putting out too soon. NO WAY. In fact you did everything right, you seem to have been honest and open the whole time as well as nice, and respectful of yourself and your boundaries. Don't try to figure out what you did to "cause" the way he is acting. If there is a cause it is that he has some problems and he is going to be really miserable and lonely if he continues to treat nice girls like that.

 

.....On the other hand, there still might be a reasonable explanation.

[Star Gazer]

Herzen is right about me not posting here anymore. I mean I'm not going to disappear, but honestly, simply reading everyone's responses sends me into a whirlwind of emotion. I was actually doing pretty good yesterday when LS was down! AND he's right without even saying it - my thoughts about this are preventing me from completing my daily work to the best of my ability. I can't let this situation affect my job!

 

I just really, really feel like it was my fault. Something to do with ME, who I am, what I did, etc. That makes me not want to call him - as I wouldn't want to hear that kind of truth. The other part of me wants an explanation regardless of what it is... but you're all right, it probably wouldn't be a truthful explanation anyway.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to date/have sex again. I can't do this. I fail every time.

 

I'm at a loss. I need a few days to not think about this.

[fray718]

PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU CALL SG!!

 

Ok you might remember my thread about how i made out with a guy after a few dates and then he didnt contact me for 3 days straight and on Friday I thought it was already over saw I contacted him and he seemed cold and distant and I told myself I just KNOW he lost interest...I did the 'what happenend' thing on him as you prob recall if you go back to my old thread and he started getting defensive and pretty much cut me off for good it seems. Doing the 'what happened' thing is a HUGE turn off for guys. Well on Monday out of anger that he cut me off I contacted him again pretty much to tell him how unfair I thought he was to cut me off and then we both got into a heated argument and afterward we decided to take a break...a few days later we reconciled and started dating again. He apologized to me and on saturday I initiated the exclusivity talk with him and he seemed genuinely happy about us heading towards a relationship. That being said, that was sat and today is wed and he has not contacted me yet. So perhaps my exclusivity talk got him scared but that's a diff story haha. Point is, he's probably just thinking bout things right now and not necessarily lost interest. Time and patience is key.

[Herzen]

Herzen is right about me not posting here anymore. I mean I'm not going to disappear, but honestly, simply reading everyone's responses sends me into a whirlwind of emotion. I was actually doing pretty good yesterday when LS was down! AND he's right without even saying it - my thoughts about this are preventing me from completing my daily work to the best of my ability. I can't let this situation affect my job!

 

I just really, really feel like it was my fault. Something to do with ME, who I am, what I did, etc. That makes me not want to call him - as I wouldn't want to hear that kind of truth. The other part of me wants an explanation regardless of what it is... but you're all right, it probably wouldn't be a truthful explanation anyway.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to date/have sex again. I can't do this. I fail every time.

 

I'm at a loss. I need a few days to not think about this.

 

Get outta here, SG.

 

Heal thyself in the real world.

 

And have a Happy Birthday celebration regardless of how that prick acted.

[DanielMadr]

So the sex was perfect.

You love him.

He was a bit cold...after all night long performance.

But you admit it can be your subcounciousness sabotaging you, so you are distancing from him.

The same thing can he feel too

You have second thoughts about sex.

Sex early on cant spoil anything - Only people having second thoughts spoil it So people capable of second thoughts (remorse) inveted 2 month rules

 

Then you dont invite him to your birthday party.

Instead of chilling, you are trying to invent the negatives. dont you think he can sense that?

 

Dont ever ask your friends for advice (with some exceptions). They are either jealous, envy you or want to be on your side, playing it safe.

 

You say he changed his attitude. Maybe you forgot to compliment him on his performance yourself. Mybe then he would be at ease and ready to invest more feelings in you....mushy mushy in the morning.

You put up your armor yourself...and thick one.

 

Can you call him? Settle date and talk? Or you want just analyze, cry and paying your therapists mortage?

[zeldazelda]

I am pulling for you. I think most of us women have been through this at some point.

 

you know what? i'm going to be honest...i've never been through this.

 

i have never, not once, had a guy disrespect me, or show me disrespect at least, after 'early sex'.

 

i always heard what everyone says "don't give it up too soon", the cow and free milk and all that, but it's never happened that i have been treated any differently by a guy after sleeping with him, whether it be 1 hour after meeting him or 1 week.

 

and this isn't me saying "oh la la, look at me, i've never been disrespected despite my loosey-goosey behavior." i just cannot believe that there are men out there who honestly act and think this way.

 

i mean, i know people have been saying this for years, but hello? a little hypocrisy anyone?

 

sorry, maybe this should have been another thread. sorry stargazer, and i'm sorry that something so unnecessary has you upset.

[Touche]

It's never happened to me either. And in my case, I agree that it had nothing to do with how soon after we met that I slept with the guy.

 

What it DID have to do with is knowing and recognizing the red flags of a guy who has bad character.

 

And the red flags in this case, were waving in the wind big time. All that talk and anger about the exes, etc. That was always a "biggie" with me. The way a guy talked about past relationships told me a lot. If I saw anger or bitterness when he talked about his ex...I ran. He never got another date. Forget sleeping with him!

[dropdeadlegs]

this thread is makeing me feel so guilty about the women I went out with a few times then had sex with them and then split, never to see them again. I feel bad cause these girls liked me and I just used them like a cheap paper towel....

If that is the case then something good came from this thread after all. Of course women are capable of the same "split", they are just fewer.

 

SG, I'm so sorry you are feeling so much anxiety. I have been there. I couldn't concentrate on anything else either. I'm still learning not to put my happiness into someone else being part of my life.

 

Whether you call him or not, I'm sure you will do what is right for you and do it with dignity.

 

Maybe some additional therapy would be good for you. I don't believe there is something intrinsically wrong with you or your actions, but if YOU feel that way maybe you should seek help with that. Learning to recognize red flags and see them for what they are is not always inherent. Seeking love and accepting attention when it is shown is natural.

 

I honestly don't think if you had withheld sex that the ultimate conclusion would be changed if that is how he deals with sex and dating/romance. Maybe he wouldn't have had the pleasure of that part of you, but if you had waited 3 months, or a year (assuming he would have waited that long) if it was about getting into your panties he would still have the same reaction.

 

I hope you will not let this affect your b-day celebration even though when I was in a similar situation (not the sex, but the letdown of feeling like someone special had gotten away) my birthday 6 weeks later was still an emotional disaster for me. I didn't have a great girls night planned and was virtually alone, even in a room full of people. It was my 40th and I was so gloomy about the future.

 

I really hope your day will be much better. ((((Hugs)))))

[Star Gazer]

And the red flags in this case, were waving in the wind big time. All that talk and anger about the exes, etc. That was always a "biggie" with me. The way a guy talked about past relationships told me a lot. If I saw anger or bitterness when he talked about his ex...I ran. He never got another date. Forget sleeping with him!

 

At dinner on Saturday night, somehow the issue of breakups and ex's came up. It wasn't a deep/serious conversation or anything, we were actually talking about a friend of mine and how I've been trying to support that friend through their breakup. As soon as we somehow got on the topic of my guy's last breakup, he seemed instantly irritated at her and said, "I don't want to talk about her," and then immediately got up to use the restroom. (He refuses to watch Grey's Anatomy bc his ex is a medical intern too...RE-FUSES.) I thought he might sincerely have to use the bathroom, but it was a very odd break in an otherwise flowing, laughing, fun conversation...

 

The combination of his comments here and there that seemed bitter (towards other women) with his glowing comments towards me are so inconsistent, just like his behavior.

[Star Gazer]

Instead of chilling, you are trying to invent the negatives. dont you think he can sense that?

 

 

Yes, actually I do. I think that's where his "...go with the flow..." message stemmed from. And I do invent negatives - I'm borderline paranoid sometimes.

[Touche]

Yes, actually I do. I think that's where his "...go with the flow..." message stemmed from. And I do invent negatives - I'm borderline paranoid sometimes.

 

I honestly don't see how you invented negatives. Your previous post (in response to mine) proves that. You get what I'm saying I see. The negatives were already there but you chose to ignore them.

 

This guy doesn't like women or is still too bitter to have a normal relationship yet (or both..who knows.)

 

I've talked about my own red flags that I looked for when I was dating and the way they talk about their exes was always a big one.

 

Sorry, but I have never seen a bitter man be able to treat a woman right. They first have to get rid of the bitterness somehow. It never works otherwise. And if you're smart, you'll use this as a lesson and stop beating yourself up over this mistake.

 

Hell, we've all made them. In time, you'll get so good at sifting through the bad ones, that you'll find the right one. It takes practice but this was one more step at getting closer to finding the right man for you. So hang in there.

[Star Gazer]

The negatives were already there but you chose to ignore them.

 

I was trying not to by posting that other thread. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, but I guess in this instance I should have...

[Art_Critic]

Cut yourself some slack SG... You didn't do anything wrong.. all you did was follow your heart..

 

His loss.. entirely...

 

You wouldn't have wanted the kind of relationship he is capable of anyhow....