Krytellan Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 OK, this is a question for women who are fans of the back massage. In a steady relationship, how often would you say you request a back massage. Further, of those times, how often do you actually expect, or feel you should, get one? Do you ever feel you take advantage of someone? I am in a position where I just feel like, come on... isn't this getting a little ridiculous? I have been refusing to give them more and more often b/c I feel it's getting over the top, and when I'm relaxing, I would actually like to relax. Me sitting on the couch taking a break is not an invitation to ask for a massage. So, I wanna get a neutral perspective on what is reasonable. Enlighten me... And before everyone gets all accusatory, I do pleanty of things. I do most of the cooking and such. It's not like I'm a load.
norajane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 If someone were willing, I'd get a massage every day!! But no, I wouldn't ask for one all the time. For her birthday, give her a paid gift certificate from one of those places that do backrubs in a storefront. In Chicago, there's a chain called Ultimate Backrub - you're clothed, they have the special chairs, and you can buy in 15 minute increments. And they sell gift certificates for a specific number of 30 minute massages or whatnot. (But don't be too shocked if she then starts falling for her masseuse!)
Lizzie60 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 OK, this is a question for women who are fans of the back massage. In a steady relationship, how often would you say you request a back massage. Further, of those times, how often do you actually expect, or feel you should, get one? Do you ever feel you take advantage of someone? I am in a position where I just feel like, come on... isn't this getting a little ridiculous? I have been refusing to give them more and more often b/c I feel it's getting over the top, and when I'm relaxing, I would actually like to relax. Me sitting on the couch taking a break is not an invitation to ask for a massage. So, I wanna get a neutral perspective on what is reasonable. Enlighten me... And before everyone gets all accusatory, I do pleanty of things. I do most of the cooking and such. It's not like I'm a load. I like to give massages more than to get them... for some reason... I get tired of it very quickly... LOL so I would not ask for them unless I really think I need one... But I'm with you.. if, every time you sit on the couch to relax, she jumps on the opportunity to get a massage then you got to tell her to get her own masseuse...LOL I don't think she's being reasonable.
sb129 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Thats kinda wierd. Do you like massages? maybe you should get a one-for one kind of deal going. You rub my back, I rub yours, sorry excuse the pun I get a massage from Wonderboy when I ask for one, but as I have chronic upper back and shoulder muscle tension from my job, I pay someone to do it properly most of the time. (and those massages hurt- but they work.)
Author Krytellan Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Thanks for some reassurance. It's just that it actually caused a little blow-up today. I made a nice brunch and we ate and were lounging for an early afternoon movie. I lay down and BAM, she wants me to rub her feet. I just spent 30 minutes making brunch and just finished eating and just sat down. I said that I would rather not, as I wanted to relax. We fall asleep for an hour. I get up and start cleaning things up and she sits up and asks me to rub her back because she has one of her daily "knots". I agree to that one. I finished massaging her back and she lays to the side. A minute later, she guides my hand to her thigh as if to say, 'I need you to massage this'. I sigh and say, "You sure demand a lot of massages" You would think I just went on a 10-minute tirade berating her. Caused a big argument. "I'm not high-maintenance" and such. I just don't see the problem. Yes, I should have just said that I didn't feel like it. I just feel like she keeps setting me up with all of these requests for massages. I know this isn't a big deal in isolation. And I'll laugh at it later. It's just that back rubs were a big cause of stress and fighting in my failed marriage, though there were other contributing factors there. I just need to know why women are so damn insistent on this behavior. Hire a professional if I can't "want to do it" enough for you.
sb129 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 A few weeks ago, I lost my packet of contraceptive pills. I was mortified at myself, but we were travelling across several time zones (about nine) and they could have dropped out of my bag anywhere. Anyway, due to the time difference and the fact that we were in a foreign country, AND we had just had sex, I really panicked. The reason I panicked was that my ex was really controlling towards me Re contraception, and made it VERY CLEAR that for me to get pregnant would be a DISASTER. (i was OW... etc) so when this happened, I assumed that my current BF would get really mad at me, and say I was irresponsible etc. I was expecting the behaviour of my EX when a topic came up that had previously caused arguments with my EX. So the point is.... maybe the whole massage thing has negative connotations for you as a result of it being a bone of contention in your prev marriage. So maybe the feelings you are experiencing are because of this. I also think your GF is a little too keen on massages. Maybe you could talk to her and explain that massages remind you of your ex, and then she won't ask for them so much??? Kidding. BTW, my BF was great re: pills. he was reasuring, and it all worked out fine anyway, but I learnt not to assume that he will react in the way my ex did, cos they are different people. (Thank goodness!!!) Sorry if this seemed a little off topic, I didn't mean it to be it makes sense to me???
bab Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I gotta say that I love massages and would love to have them everyday. I do ask for them quite often, but not everyday. Maybe you could work out some exchange system? 1 massage = 1 bj? :D
Star Gazer Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Krytie - I could be totally off-base here, but I seem to recall you posting previously about...shall we say...your GF's numerous requests, and/or bordering on complaints that you don't do enough. Am I wrong? Please tell me. I think you're wonnnnderful to your GF, and at times I do worry that perhaps she might be taking advantage of YOU and ALL of your gestures, not just the massages...
nicki Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I think "Bab" is on to something. The next time your girlfriend sits down on the couch after making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen, ask her for a blow job. In fact, every time she sits down to relax, request a BJ. After all, you have "knots of tension" there, too, right? Really, she should appreciate the massages maybe once a week or so, everyday is taking advantage! And maybe telling her every time you massage her you think of your ex might give her a negative association and she'll turn off to your massages....or you could suddenly begin to lose your "skills." You know, barely give her one! She should be appreciative. You sound wonderful and thoughtful! This one is on her.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I never really ask for massages. Sometimes I suggest we give each other massages, particularly after a bath, or I say "I'll bring my massage oil over." meaning I would be open to both giving and receiving a massage. I am not seeing anyone now but I've never been in a relationship where we were giving or receiving massages from and to each other every time we saw each other. Living the single life currently, I don't get massages unless I pay for them, which I don't like to spend money on that! But if I have a boyfriend, he is definitely getting a really long, nice full treatment massage from me on his birthday, that's for sure. However, I know from having a fulltime job and living alone right now that you don't "need" massages. I find a hot bath in the evening helps me feel great and relax. So...I guess your girlfriend feels that is part of your "boyfriend duty" but....I think if you tell her you are not up to it all the time, that is fair. You just have to be open and honest. It sounds like you don't make alot of requests from her. I don't know where she's coming from. If I asked for a massage but my bf nicely said "I'd like to, but I really like to relax, let's just cuddle together now" I would be really cool with that and get the hint.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 A minute later, she guides my hand to her thigh as if to say, 'I need you to massage this'. Are you sure she wanted a massage and wasn't seducing you (for sex)?
Art_Critic Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 I sigh and say, "You sure demand a lot of massages" Lets put this is some perspective.. If she asked you every day to go down on her and suck her clit for 10 mins then would you ? Of course you would... So it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.. You don't like giving massages and are being a tad bit selfish... Okay.. she needs to learn to pull back on some to.. but you need to remember that to her massaging her shoulders is like sucking her clit.
Author Krytellan Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Krytie - I could be totally off-base here, but I seem to recall you posting previously about...shall we say...your GF's numerous requests, and/or bordering on complaints that you don't do enough. Am I wrong? Please tell me. I think you're wonnnnderful to your GF, and at times I do worry that perhaps she might be taking advantage of YOU and ALL of your gestures, not just the massages... There were never complaints, but yes, I was at one time worried about the reciprocation. However, as with most areas of the relationship, we have since discussed it and she understood my viewpoint. She has made a conscious effort to be more reciprocating and her actions have backed that up. At this point, I don't feel that she is taking advantage of my gestures (well, maybe the massages). Thanks for looking out for me Star
Author Krytellan Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Lets put this is some perspective.. If she asked you every day to go down on her and suck her clit for 10 mins then would you ? Of course you would... So it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.. You don't like giving massages and are being a tad bit selfish... Okay.. she needs to learn to pull back on some to.. but you need to remember that to her massaging her shoulders is like sucking her clit. Interesting twist. After having a ight to sleep on it, I think as with most things, this requires a mutual accomodation. I know for a fact that it wouldn't kill me to come to her side a little more on the massage thing. It's just that my ex made it a point of contention so often that I guess I'm still a little gun-shy. As such, it may be less a reflection on how often my GF requests it and more on the nature of the request. That said, I do think that she could pull back on the massage requests a bit. This is hardly a big deal, but one I wanted to address. Thanks for your opinions everyone.
Miss_Bee Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 OK, this is a question for women who are fans of the back massage. In a steady relationship, how often would you say you request a back massage. Further, of those times, how often do you actually expect, or feel you should, get one? Do you ever feel you take advantage of someone? I am in a position where I just feel like, come on... isn't this getting a little ridiculous? I have been refusing to give them more and more often b/c I feel it's getting over the top, and when I'm relaxing, I would actually like to relax. Me sitting on the couch taking a break is not an invitation to ask for a massage. So, I wanna get a neutral perspective on what is reasonable. Enlighten me... And before everyone gets all accusatory, I do pleanty of things. I do most of the cooking and such. It's not like I'm a load. Does your gf have back problems? Does she give you massages too? I get one, maybe once a week. I need to get a good massager. I had an epidural with my last preg. and scar tissue developed where they inserted the needle. It causes alot of pain and throbbing in that area. The pain is the worst in the morning. I would never ask for a massage first thing in the morning so i often end up rubbing it myself or end up having to get out of bed because i can't sleep from the pain. I feel that you gotta balance it out, you give alittle, and you get alittle. Usually we take turns getting massages, when they are needed. I don't take advantage, even though i could use more because of my back problem.
Author Krytellan Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Does your gf have back problems? Does she give you massages too? I get one, maybe once a week. I need to get a good massager. I had an epidural with my last preg. and scar tissue developed where they inserted the needle. It causes alot of pain and throbbing in that area. The pain is the worst in the morning. I would never ask for a massage first thing in the morning so i often end up rubbing it myself or end up having to get out of bed because i can't sleep from the pain. I feel that you gotta balance it out, you give alittle, and you get alittle. Usually we take turns getting massages, when they are needed. I don't take advantage, even though i could use more because of my back problem. You see, thats part of the problem for me. I really dont need massages, and therefore don't request them. In fact, I don't ever think to request anything of that nature... maybe some form of touching once every couple of weeks or so. So because of that, it's natural that I'm giving waaaaay more than I'm getting. Because I dont ask. Just weird I guess.
Miss_Bee Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 You see, thats part of the problem for me. I really dont need massages, and therefore don't request them. In fact, I don't ever think to request anything of that nature... maybe some form of touching once every couple of weeks or so. So because of that, it's natural that I'm giving waaaaay more than I'm getting. Because I dont ask. Just weird I guess. Well in that case..... like Bab suggested, 1 bj for 1 back rub? I'd say thats a sweet deal don't you? You should start asking more of her. It's not good to be constantly giving and not recieving. Resentments build up that way. Do you find it hard to ask for things? I'm like that in a way. Only when it comes to getting help with things. I just CANNOT do it. I hate to ask for help.
Art_Critic Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 1 bj for 1 back rub? I'd say thats a sweet deal don't you? That does sound fair.. the only problem with this type of giving is that resentment can even build from the fact that it is tit for tat and normally relationships aren't tit for tat.. Relationships are not equal.. no matter what you want to believe.. The equal is an illusion or a compromise on that equality. Someone is always doing more of something than the other.. At times one person will do tons more than the other and vise versa.. I think you are seeing an issue develop that might be more incompatibility than anything else.. Is she to compromise but you are not ?? why ? Is she to compromise by just giving up on something she wants.. that isn't her compromising..
Author Krytellan Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 That does sound fair.. the only problem with this type of giving is that resentment can even build from the fact that it is tit for tat and normally relationships aren't tit for tat.. I agree with this completely, and that is why I would never even propose a 1:1 deal. Overall, a clarification: My post was never to say that she doesn't do things that I ask. She has never refused to do something that I requested of her. So, in the large context, I can't say that I'm doing all of the giving. I don't ask for much, and I usually do get what I ask for. My problem was with the constant request for back rubs in isolation. My attempt was not to paint some picture of a neglected man who gives everything and gets nothing in return. I got irritated with being asked to do a massage every time I start to relax and was curious if I was being unreasonable.
Miss_Bee Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 That does sound fair.. the only problem with this type of giving is that resentment can even build from the fact that it is tit for tat and normally relationships aren't tit for tat.. Relationships are not equal.. no matter what you want to believe.. The equal is an illusion or a compromise on that equality. Someone is always doing more of something than the other.. At times one person will do tons more than the other and vise versa.. I think you are seeing an issue develop that might be more incompatibility than anything else.. Is she to compromise but you are not ?? why ? Is she to compromise by just giving up on something she wants.. that isn't her compromising.. No relationships are not always equal, but i think that they should be, to some degree at least. One can't always be a giver and the other always a reciever. It sounds like he is doing all the giving. He said that he never asks for anything. I just thought that if she'd give alittle more, he wouldn't feel as put out to give her backrubs. It could be that his needs aren't being met, because he has a hard time asking for things. By this, he'd feel put out by always giving and not recieving. Just my POV is all.
Author Krytellan Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 It could be that his needs aren't being met, because he has a hard time asking for things. By this, he'd feel put out by always giving and not recieving. Just my POV is all. I have no problem asking for things. The thing is in the moment, there's nothing I really want.
Miss_Bee Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Kry, I just read your other post, and sorry i guess i jumped the gun and i misunderstood you . Bad Bee, Bad!
Art_Critic Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 My problem was with the constant request for back rubs in isolation. Have you talked with her about it ?.. Be prepared to have it come up later on.. there may be something you want all the time.. maybe to have your ie: shirts ironed or even to have her cook.. she will bring this up.. That is why I mentioned compromise.. It sounds to me that you aren't willing to compromise on this..Which is okay.. But you need to talk to her about it.. I think there is something underlying on this.. If my GF wanted backrubs every day I would say cool.. I rub my GF's feet all the time.. no biggie.. she asks.. I do.. It would only put me off if there was something else going on.. It is only the little things in life that matter.. maybe you are missing the closeness that a massage brings..
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Wow, I never considered that massage could be an issue in a R! I love to get a professional massage, they are wonderful. They feel completely different though than when my husband gives me a massage. For me having his hands against my skin and paying attention to my body is better than sex any day. I never ask for it and it happens only occasionally but that only adds to making it special and VERY appreciated when it happens. I wonder how often you gave her massages in the beginning? Is it possible that they make her feel loved by you? As for the timing, why not just say, honey, I just need to relax for a while but I was planning on surprising you with one in a while. I agree with AC in that if a woman places your hand on her thigh "as if to say..." she's interested in more than a massage!
Miss_Bee Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Arggggg.... After all this talk about massages, my back is starting to ache... I want a massage !
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