wallace Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Two months later after a 3-year relationship. What can I do? I think I've figured out my part in this. It was basically to not address what was wrong while we were together because I was more afraid of it ending (ironic) than being true to myself. We had lots of affection, less and less sex. I took this upon myself and started to eat and sleep a lot. Guess what, one night he said he wasn't attracted to me anymore and 30 minutes later he was gone. I haven't seen him since. Worse, he told me (unnecessarily, of course) on the phone after he'd left, that my touching him had "made him sick" for the last six months. His position is that we were never attracted to each other, which is not true. Not for me, not for him. But he did disappoint me while we were together. He was defensive about sex. He didn't do enough for me sexually and I stopped trying to teach him. If he was high (pot) the sex was great, though! I got depressed. I couldn't reliably initiate sex. I stopped caring much about my body and I was just waiting for something magic to happen. Still, strangely, everything else was there. Honesty, affection, trust. The weird thing was that we cuddled, had lots and lots of hugs and kisses--nearly all the time. This was mostly initiated by him. I've never been so sure of someone's love for me. That he hasn't called even to see how I am hurts a lot. Is anything ringing any bells with anyone? I'm trying to stop trying to figure this out. Honestly. But it's hard. The lying he did (about being sickened by me for half a year) has tainted everything. In one way this makes it easier to forget. On the other hand, it just plain sucks. If I let myself, I could really, really slip into a deep funk about this. I do, once a week or so. It seems to be getting worse and not better as time goes by. Thanks for letting me spew all of this. I realize, just by writing it, how little clarity I have.
Aquarius Guy Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Dear Miss Wallace, In arguments, people say things that are hurtful to win the argument. By being more accomodating to our partners, we can hope they feel less like the have to hurt us to get what they desire. You don't mention ways in which you could have further built up his ego, that have come to you, since you have been apart. My wife is short on finding ways forbuilding up my ego. Men generally like to be told how great they are. So work on the next guy, and try to build up somebody. Chairs. Conquest, Hierarchy, Authoritiy, Insight and Sexuality. That is from the website Love and Respect. You mention that you stopped asking your ex BF for what you really wanted. From the next relationship, you might reflect on what you really want. Couple. Closeness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem. Men will think you are more attractive, if you are good at boosting their ego. Maybe ther should be an ego boosting class. Who can you practice on? Write your BF a letter, telling him what a great guy he is/was. He probably regrets having said he was not attracted to you. Forgive and forget that remark. What have you got to lose? Just work on being a better lover. I am working on becoming more skillful at letting my wife know how I would like her to boost my ego. Blessings .
smwhtshy Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 Wallace, this is a tough one, and amazingly similar to what I am going thru. We were together three years, and ended it two months ago, with NC since then. In the beginning, the sex was just OK, but enough for me, because we clicked on so many other levels. I made the decision (kept it to myself), to not take care of myself as a trade off for keeping them in the relationship (similar to you). Its very tough, because on one level, you believe you are doing everything in your power to make it work, but on another level, you know in your gut, you are giving up way too much for something that is not satisfying. And, guess what, in the long run it ends up failing anyway, so we wasted those months thinking we were sacrificing ourselves, for this vague, hoped for future with this person. Well, it got worse, not better, and we went from OK sex, to awkward, uncomfortable sex, to her becoming passive/agressive, and almost cruel in her approach to my advances. Then it just stopped...and nothing makes you feel more crappy than that, as you know (his "I'm sick of your touch" comment)... Now, the tough part, the recovery. Most folks idealize the "ex" after a breakup, but in my case (and maybe in yours), I'm idealizing that affection that substituted for sex. "oh, we cuddled so much, oh we spooned at night, etc.", and now I'm realizing, slowly, that that part of it was NOT as great as I believe it was. She became increasingly colder, and distant, and towards the end, we were more like two people sharing a hotel room on a business trip, than lovers. I am really struggling with getting over her, really missing those good times, but when I get my saddest, I try and focus on the fact that at least now I have a chance of finding someone who has it all for me, even if I never find it, as opposed to not having a chance ever if we had stayed together. For some reason, childhood, past hurts, etc. I always seem to give more than I get, and feel like even a crumb thrown is better than nothing, and you know that is SIMPLY NOT TRUE...we deserve it all, and we need to repair our stuff before entering into another relationship, because even if we believe we are healthy, and the new person is too, if we haven't fixed ourselves, we'll end up "training" them to take advantage of our giving, and they will eventually be turned off by it, exactly what happened to me. Good luck, remember in those crying times, and alone times at night (Sunday mornings are my worst), that person was not for you, and you can take a valuable lesson from it (which might have been the purpose for it anyway), to prepare you for the right guy, who is somewhere out there believing he is going to meet someone special too...you.
krzr Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 thats just his way of dealing with the end of the relationship dont put too much thought into that unless it helps u heal by making u angry.
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