Tangerina Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I had been agonizing in my brain and posting on here about not knowing if my boyfriend would want to stay together when I left to go to Greece for 11 weeks to study abroad this coming Fall. I mean, a lot of guys wouldn't want to, including my exes, but I was pretty sure it wouldn't be a problem and yet I agonized. I could have talked to him sooner and just found out, but since I felt so distraught I knew I needed to take time and figure out how much of my feelings were my own insecurities and emotional scarring from previous crappy relationships and how much was my actual current situation. Turned out a lot of my feelings were my own crap and baggage from dating not very nice people in the past who would feel like it was unfair to them if I deprived them of sex for 11 weeks by going away. Besides not explicitly knowing if my current BF would want to stay together everything is really really healthy and great in my relationship. I finally decided to just ask him and we had the best conversation. At first I just asked what he thought of me going to Greece and he said he thought it was awesome and he was glad I was doing it for myself. So I told him “I mean, how do you feel as my boyfriend? I don’t want you to feel abandoned or like I’ll forget about you while I’m gone.” And basically he said that we both knew when we started dating that the other had big travel plans (he might go to Peace Corps, I've been agonizing about this too) and that was just part of it so I asked him if he felt like spending 10 weeks apart was a deal breaker or just something you figure out at the time and he said he didn’t think that it was that big of a deal and that when he and Sarah (his ex that he dated for all 4 years of undergrad) were living in the dorms they would usually spend all summer apart and just see each other once or twice and talk on the phone and that would be similar to me going away for a quarter and that he didn't see that as a problem at all. I felt so happy to hear that and told him so because I knew a lot of guys would want to split just because they couldn't have sex and he said "Well, I think sex is great but you know it isn't an obsession for me." (Which is true, I'm way more sexual than him but we are both very monogamous types and would never give up a good relationship for a random sexual encounter.) I've been in relationships with cutoff dates before and I promised myself I never would again so I was so afraid he would see me going away as a 'cutoff.' He then asked how I felt about him possibly going into Peace Corps for two years. This is something he has wanted to do for a long time but it is such a big decision that he really doesn't know if he will but he is applying so he can keep the option open. I told him that sometimes it makes me feel scared and think "don't leave me!" and other times I don't even think of it much because it is still a big Maybe and it is still almost a year away and the other times I think "Wow, M is such a brave and good person for wanting to teach math in poor parts of Africa." I told him that ultimately it was a really different question than me studying abroad because I'll come back and have the same life but his decision to go to Peace Corps is about deciding what direction he wants to take his entire life and that it is such a big decision that it transcends factors such as who is is dating even though those things play a part in the decision. I told him that overall I want him to be happy and do what is right for him. We both agreed that while 11 weeks is no big deal, nether of us thinks a relationship (like ours ie. we aren't planning on getting married or anything) could survive 2 years and we both agree we wouldn't want to tie the other down if we were apart that long (I'm 21 and he's 23.) He told me he wanted to make sure I knew that if he did decide to go he wasn't 'jumping ship' or trying to get away from me but that it was just because he had decided it was the right decision for his life and I told him I understood completely. It feels SO GOOD to know that we are on the exact same page with all of this stuff. I had been feeling afraid to get more attached or grow closer even though things were going so well, but now that I know that he also is really into our relationship and is happy for me to study abroad I feel so much better and so much closer to him.
sb129 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Glad you are feeling better about it! Its amazing how communication can make such a difference. Like you, I have been with a not very nice person who treated me badly. I can talk to my current BF about anything now- but initially I was really nervous about some things cos I half expected him to react in the ways my ex did. Good luck!
Author Tangerina Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 I feel so good now (!!!) like everything is working out!! A few months ago I felt so afraid to leave even though I was so excited to go to Greece because I wasn't getting along with my best friend who I'm supposed to live with when I get back and on top of that she was mad at some other friends who were studying abroad because they weren't keeping in touch so I thought that she would resent me for going away and we wouldn't be friends when I got back but we talked and worked out our other issues and talked specifically about her anger at her 'abroad' friends and she assured me she didn't think we'd have the same issues and now we are getting along better than ever! After being really close and living together for over a year we were bound to have a rough patch but I'm so glad we got through it! Now I know that things are great with my boyfriend as well and that he is so supportive of me going and I'm not worried about that relationship either! Before, I thought how excited I was to go study sustainable design in Greece but these relationship problems (or perceived problems based on my insecurities) would put a big damper on my excitement, but now I feel so good with all the important relationships in my life and it feels so good to know how supportive everyone is and so I am just ridiculously excited to go on this amazing adventure in the Mediterranean. I am so lucky and blessed I want to cry. The amount of loans I need to take out to pay for the trip makes me want to cry too, LOL. And when I get back all tan and Greek speaking and good at sustainable design I get to graduate and be a college graduate and make a life for myself, my life rocks.
sb129 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Good for you! So you will be TANgerina when you get back from Greece. It nice to hear someone with such a positive outlook. You are right, you are lucky and blessed, and you will have an amazing time in Greece it is beautiful. Oh it makes me want to be a new grad again....
Author Tangerina Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 SB... yeah, it is weird because my first BF was horrible, but we were so young and he really didn't know how to treat me and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I thought my second serious BF was so different but after a while he ended up being just as controlling and messed up. Luckily I had learned my lesson and that time I called it off (about 5 months later than I should have.) The guy I'm dating now isn't perfect by any means, he has had a messed up family life and childhood but ultimately he took all the negativity and turned it into good things for himself by not wanting the same for the rest of his life. He finished college and is almost done with grad school without any help and will not live in poverty like his family. He has contact with his horrible dad but has been able to distance himself emotionally and see what parts of his dad's personality he doesn't ever want to emulate. He is the most gentle and kind person I know with simple morals about being kind to people and a very complex outlook on life. He would never intentionally (or unintentionally) be controlling or cruel, but I have 4.5 years of that imprinted on me it is hard to trust that it is behind me.
Author Tangerina Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Hehe, TANgernia. I refuse to fake and bake and joke how I am racist against "Orange People" but dang, I'm gonna look all toasty good in my graduation pictures. I live in the tippy top of NW Washington so I'm used to being translucent pale. Now I just need to do my bikini bod exercises all summer so I can be all ab-tastic on the white sand Kefalonian beaches.
johan Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I'm happy for you. It sounds like you've found a good guy. He even seems pretty nice. ha ha.
sb129 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Just don't forget to wear sunscreen... it will be hot, and you don't want to be pink!...... I know what you mean re: controlling BF. But i learnt my lesson only last year, and I am 30 this year, be glad you learnt it early!
Author Tangerina Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Haha, yeah, when I get in a bitchfest with my girlfriend who also had amazingly not cool/emotionally abusive/borderline physically abusive exes eventually it comes around to "Well, at least we got this figured out by age 20 and will never put up with it again! Some people never get the chance to figure this stuff out and just feel like it is their fault." Congratulations on your awesome guy.
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