interacial couple and her parents dont like it

May 13, 2007

okay long storyy hear so ive been going out with this girl for about a month now and everything is great like were have the perfect chemistry i make her laugh and everything, we can talk on the phone for like 8 hours:cool:. But there are a few problems for starters alot of people are making a big deal because she is indian/guyanese and i am black. Her parents dont let her date but her mom let her talk 2 this one guy just cuz he was indian. Well her mom sorta just found out a week ago that we were going out and she like flipped out on her she was like grounded and she called me crying that her mom was flipping out on her i mean i dont understand what the big deal is about me being black but its just like her mom has so many stereotypes of black people its pisses me of like am a really good kid my dad is a prof and my mom works for the U.N. Her mom doesnt even know me hasnt met me yet and is making generalizations.(oh and she doesnt like the fact that am muslim either... I think it might be this whole indian thing because the other day i was walking with her on the street and this indian couple was like in hindu "look at this indian girl walking with this n-----" and my gf didnt tell me till after.

THen about a week ago she like broke up with me cuz her mom was putting all this pressure on her. and idk she was crying and stuff and it was soo bad cuz we were breaking up not cuz we were tired of the relationship but b/c of her parents. but the very next day after we didnt talk she was like do you wanna hang out so we were at a friends house and we had sex it was the like the first time for both of us and now we are back together..oh and we would have got back together regardless of if we had sex.

so am my question is what do i do about her parents cuz i want to stay with her .

p.s sorry about the novel

May 13, 2007

Firstly as a good kid you should really have respected her partents wishes. If she lives in their home and they don't want her to date then she shouldn't be dating.When she is older and independent she can of course make her own decisions but as it stands she should have respected her parents wishes.

As for race, regardless of where you go, what age you are or where you live as an interracial couple you will have problems, not only from family but from society at large. Coping will take a degree of maturiy, another reason not to start this thing unless you are both mature enough to face the consequences.

The fact that you have both now had sex will do nothing to endear you to her family and break the stereotypes her parents have of black men - I know its UNFAIR since young people have having sex all over the planet behind their parents back - but there you are.

You want to know how to handle the situation? I doubt lying and sneaking around is the way to go. It would have been an idea for her to have 'worked' on her mom until maybe she could have got you an invite to dinner or something so they could have seen that you are a respectful and serious young man and you could still try that approach (although if they ever find out you guys have been sneaking around the "trying to win them over" will be good and truly smashed to the ground).

From what you have written, I'm wondering if your young lady has the maturity to cope with her having to "choose" bween her family, religion and you or indeed if you are actually (after a month) ready to make her do so. If you are not then your options are as I said limited:

1) try and win the parents over

2) sneak around

3) call it a day.

Maybe other shackers can think of some more options, I cant.

R

May 14, 2007

first off her parents let her date her ex boyfriend who was indian i mean that one of the unfair things is how her mom thinks this kid was perfect just cuz he was loaded but he treated her bad. Now me i treat her right all the time but because am not indian I agree about the lying and sneaking around thinking we pretty have been sneaking around to hang out the whole relationship. About us having sex believe me she wanted 2 lose it just as much if not a bit more than i did. but if we get caught il be the one who "talked her into it".

Now am worried that she might not be mature enough to handle lying to her parents and i dont want her to have all that pressure. of all your options i think 3. is def out of the question 2. we have been sneaking around. 1. am gonna meet her parents at her orchestra concert. so am still confused should i talk to her cuz i definitely dont wanna break up with her i mean are relationship would be perfect if her parents were tolerant

May 14, 2007

I feel bad for you blackdood, you sound like a cool cat and your parents sound mad successful. I'm black and my parents never even reached what your parents accomplished. I date black girls but I am now trying my hand at interacial dating. I'm 26, so I know for a fact it isnt gonna be easy.

Some indians are racist against black people, dont take it too personal. I think that if you defy her parents when clearly they dont want you dating their daughter, your gonna have alot of consquences to face.

Imagine if they contact your family, it's not gonna go so well.

My advice is just be friends. you dont want them filing harrasment suits against you. I know you love her but will be will be. Let her get independant when she's 18, then you'll know if it'll work. Because if she's 18 they cant say anything about who she dates then, legally she'll be an adult.

May 14, 2007

That's a hard call because some people will stick with their beliefs even if it's not realistic. I'm caucasian and I am dating a guy who is black and I knew if my grandparents found out, well lets just say I don't know how far they would go but my guess is that they may not call me their grand daughter anymore. Well they aren't only racist against one race, I have heard them make remarks about many and I don't agree once so ever but I know I can't change them.

For your case maybe if they met you and saw that your not what they are assuming, if they see that your a nice guy and respect their daughter then maybe they will give you a chance? Then they know who she is seeing, vs sneaking around with someone they don't know.

May 14, 2007

People from India aren't just racist against Blacks. They don't like whites dating their daughters either. There are many Indians that still believe in arranged marriages. I have heard of families arranging a marriage of children as young as 10. They wait untill they are older to actually get married. Still they couple are engaged and it would bring about a lot of hurt and angry feelings if either family backed out of the arranged marriage.

you havea few problems here. One is her family and the other is her religion and yours. I'm sure that many in the Muslim community would not be happy with a young Muslim man dating a non Muslim woman.

We haven't heard how your family is reacting to this relationship? If they are OK with it maybe they could have a sit down with her parents and see if they could persuade her Mother and Father that you are in fact a good guy.

not to long ago in a city close to where I live there was a Muslim Pakistani couple who were arrested for kidnapping their own adult daughter because she was dating a White Christian man. Her Father was quoted as saying he would rather see her dead then have her possibly convert.

There is prejudice everywhere. As a mixed couple it could be hard on the both of you. I'm not discouraging you as much as giving you a reality check.

May 18, 2007

I had the exact same question for my one brothers girlfriend. She is a very nice Chinese girl, and her parents were apprehensive about her dating a non asian. So I asked her what the views were toward interacial dating. Hindi's are not the only group that looks down on negroes, the Chinese, etc, don't like it either since they see it as a social problem. The children won't fit into society. They also don't like Hindi's or other asians for that matter, also considering that something that creates unfavourable children. They are also wary of caucasians, but not so much because at least the children will find social acceptance in Chinese society. Ie because of lighter colour, because of ties to other Caucasians, and for making a bridge to their assets through business ties.

Sad but true.

I personally hope it works out for you my friend, It may take a while but if you two truly love each other, then the wait won't be long. If she loves you, then she will pick you over her families wishes. (And if her father wants to remain with Indian tradition, such and such, well all I can say is, your in America, not India, he will have to live with it.)

May 18, 2007

1. Her mother is being realistic coward but realistic. Your relationship brings a lot of animosity. Even if she might be OK with it, lot of people dont (as you experienced) and she is trying to protect her daughter from it.

2. Minorities tend to be very protective (habits, wealth) hence rasistic. Which is not a good policy. Genetic diversification and individual happiness is more important than some cultural, family or nationalistic pseudo feeling.

3. If you really want her, snatch her, man. Just go to her house introduce yourself to her parents, have a chat with them and take her out on date. If they are nuts and you really like her, dont even bother with their consent. Parents can be sometimes too stuborn and need a good slap.

May 18, 2007

As for race, regardless of where you go, what age you are or where you live as an interracial couple you will have problems, not only from family but from society at large. Coping will take a degree of maturiy, another reason not to start this thing unless you are both mature enough to face the consequences.

I am curious as to what "consequences" you are speaking of. And what problems would one have with society at large?

From what or where have you gained your perspective?

You want to know how to handle the situation? I doubt lying and sneaking around is the way to go. It would have been an idea for her to have 'worked' on her mom until maybe she could have got you an invite to dinner or something so they could have seen that you are a respectful and serious young man and you could still try that approach.

Yes you could try this. But the Indian culture is a VERY tough one.

They are very very old school when it comes to marriage. There are even prearranged marriages - even in America in this day and age. Haven't you seen Bend It Like Beckham? All that girl wanted to do was play soccer -- the story was set in present time Great Britain -- and it was a REALLY big deal that she wanted to play. They just have very very strict standards for what is expected from a woman and a man - and their culture is very entrenched in the family.

Watch Bride and Prejudice or My Beautiful Laundrette. It should give you some insight as to how rigid their culture is when it comes to marriage and the roles within.

That's a hard call because some people will stick with their beliefs even if it's not realistic. I'm caucasian and I am dating a guy who is black and I knew if my grandparents found out, well lets just say I don't know how far they would go but my guess is that they may not call me their grand daughter anymore. Well they aren't only racist against one race, I have heard them make remarks about many and I don't agree once so ever but I know I can't change them.

And what about your views? Do you express them? Are they aware you feel differently than they do?

It isn't about changing them. It is more about standing up as an individual and saying, "I don't agree."

People from India aren't just racist against Blacks. They don't like whites dating their daughters either. There are many Indians that still believe in arranged marriages. I have heard of families arranging a marriage of children as young as 10. They wait untill they are older to actually get married. Still they couple are engaged and it would bring about a lot of hurt and angry feelings if either family backed out of the arranged marriage.
you havea few problems here. One is her family and the other is her religion and yours. I'm sure that many in the Muslim community would not be happy with a young Muslim man dating a non Muslim woman.
We haven't heard how your family is reacting to this relationship? If they are OK with it maybe they could have a sit down with her parents and see if they could persuade her Mother and Father that you are in fact a good guy.
not to long ago in a city close to where I live there was a Muslim Pakistani couple who were arrested for kidnapping their own adult daughter because she was dating a White Christian man. Her Father was quoted as saying he would rather see her dead then have her possibly convert.
There is prejudice everywhere. As a mixed couple it could be hard on the both of you. I'm not discouraging you as much as giving you a reality check.

Exactly Topper.

There is a difference when it is not just race and not just religion but every part of their upbringing and culture.

There is still a lot of divisiveness of men and women. Women are not equals.

In fact in India there is a sort of genocide going on right now because baby girls are aborted or killed.

The family looks at a girl as a burden because a dowry usually has to be paid to the man who will marry them. It is not "I pay you to get your daughter" -- it is "Pay me to take your daughter off your hands".

It has become a tremendous problem because Indian men are finding it harder and harder to find a girl to marry. The problem is just getting worse.

OP -

There is a lot going on here and she will more than likely have to leave her family and everything she knows to be with you. She can take her religion but that is usually all.

She is young. Making this kind of a choice in the face of such vehemence and hatred is difficult to say the least. She will be seen as dishonoring her entire family. Her marriage very much reflects on them as far as the extended family and the Indians around them. The family could become ostracized from their community because of her actions. That is a lot of weight to have to bear at such a young age.

It is not your average interracial relationship.

May 20, 2007

Not to stereotype too much, but your chances are very slim of getting the parents to accept you.

May 20, 2007

I'm sorry, BD. This situation really, really sucks.

Keep us posted...

October 17, 2007

hmm i havent posted in awhile in this topic so i decided to update everyone who posted after seven months of dating (actually sneaking around) her parents are allowing me to date her..and believe me it has been hard..Over the summer her parents found out that we had sex actually her mom..her mom put her on serious lockdown but i found ways to sneak in her house LoL:bunny: well she recently told her mom that she was going to date me regardless and that i was a good guy and that i loved her..so her mom said it was never a race issue it was more that we had sex and she found out and that she didnt want her daughter to end up pregnant or anything..which is another thing we finally get our chance but she might be pregnant:confused: but honestly i love her so either way everything i guess turns out good:love:

October 22, 2007

am 18 and she is 17 and we live in pennslyvania i looked on line the only way they could say anything would be if she was sixteen and i was like 20.. unfourtounatly her mom may be convinced but her dad is not an easy buy he found out the other day and was yelling at her etc etc telling her to get out of his house and other things so i dont know right now its kind of annoying actually

October 22, 2007

oh the climate well what do you mean like a racial demographic or what?

October 22, 2007

oh the climate well what do you mean like a racial demographic or what?

He meant in terms of the level of tolerance for interracial couples. Here in the United States (And I'd imagine in Europe), there's actually a fairly high degree of tolerance in that regard, at least for certain combinations such as a black man and a white woman. In other parts of the world, such as perhaps the India that your girl's parents may have been born in, an interracial couple is rather taboo and in some cases there is a violent backlash against them.

On the original subject, I don't think I'd get my hopes up for convincing the dad to allow you to see his daughter. If this girl's family are relatively recent immigrants from India (as in, the daughter being the first generation born in the United States), you might do well to read up on the culture of the part of India from which they came. Their culture, especially with regard to courtship is very different from our own. The daughter may not have been indoctrinated into this, but if the parents were born there, they probably have. I'm not intimately familiar with it, but my understanding is that firstly, arranged marriages between couples hand-picked by the parents are not unheard of, and two, even though that practice is not officially maintained any more (I believe it's technically illegal in most of India), there is still a strong tradition of the parents basically deciding who your spouse will be. The father probably feels that it is his right to decide this. Discuss this with your girl, and plan accordingly.

October 22, 2007

..which is another thing we finally get our chance but she might be pregnant:confused: but honestly i love her so either way everything i guess turns out good:love:

??!!!

Anyone else think the parents may have been right in not wanting their daughter to date him? I don't mean cause he's black... but obviously the two of them aren't smart/mature enough to use proper protection.

October 23, 2007

Interesting story. The girl's mother seems prejudiced and used the sex thing as a scape-goat. However, blackdood you have not been a model boyfriend for their daughter. I would have been pissed to find out that you had slept with my 17 year old daughter.

Maybe the Indian men would not be sneaking into her house and would have encouraged her to wait. Who knows.

What's worse is that apparently you did not use effective protection and now she may be pregnant.

Oh boy it does not look good for the both of you at all.

Sorry to say but I think you are mostly to blame here considering you are older and are the male.

Good luck to you regardless and I hope you have not gotten her pregnant.

November 19, 2007

??!!!

Anyone else think the parents may have been right in not wanting their daughter to date him? I don't mean cause he's black... but obviously the two of them aren't smart/mature enough to use proper protection.

HEey am not immature i just made a mistake i wasnt thinking properly btw she isnt pregnant and her mom is actually admitting that i am a good kid and polite and all that good stuff so her mom likes me its honestly just her dad that might have a problem with me she asked her dad if she could date and he was like after high school. but then he was like who is this kid ? asking all these questions about me cuz she said my name so he put 2 and 2 together and figured that she had a boyfriend and wanted to disown her but he calmed down and hasnt said anything i guess he is just ignoring it. Oh and she isnt like straight indian she is guyanese indian and i guess her mom had stereotypes of black guys from guyana..

What really swayed her mom though was flowers that i got her i always got her flowers but she wouldnt take them home cuz she thought her mom would spazz but she decided that she was gonna take the flowers regardless and her mom was like "are those from him?" and she was like yeah am keeping them cuz they are mine so her mom was like okay they are nice you can keep them:laugh:

November 19, 2007

Hey blackdood

I know how your gf feels as Im Indian too. Im just glad she didnt go through the things I did cos Im still not 100% over it. What exactly did your gf go through with her family??

It does depend on how conventional and how traditional they are too and I know my family are pretty racist unfortunately and I learn that the hard way. Hope things turn out better for you than they did for me and my ex.

Keep us updated.

November 19, 2007

Her parents arent too traditional but i guess they just have alot of stereotypes of black people. No in the actually right now our relationship is pretty good her mom is being kind of nice it was really really bad around june/july when her mom found out that we had sex... we couldnt see each other the whole summer had to sneak just to see you for 5 minutes. She wasnt allowed to have her room door shut unless her phone was in the hallway her mom would say she is gonna disgrace the family. She said her dad would kill me things like that but i mean the fact that weve gotten through all that does make me confident about our future and everything. On top of that her mom would say am in college and am gonna cheat when i chose to go to the local college in stead of penn state or pittsburge because i would be able to stay close with her. She told her mom that and her mom was like okay maybe he is okay. Both my parents love her my mom recently came home from working in the congo for the UN and she brought my gf all kinds of Congolese jewlery and my gf's mom was happy about that so i guess things will get even better.

But the other week we went shopping together at this big outlet and there were alot of Indians i guess and they would just give us the dirtiest looks but i would be like "hey you wanna give me a dirty look ill grab my gfs butt:love: and make you madder" ahah

November 19, 2007

oh and if you dont mind me asking coco what happend with you and your ex?

November 19, 2007

Long story blackdood. Check out my previous threads if you want a taster of what my ex and what my family are like. Your gf is very lucky in comparison.

November 19, 2007

Some indians are racist against black people, dont take it too personal. I think that if you defy her parents when clearly they dont want you dating their daughter, your gonna have alot of consquences to face.
.

I think it has more to do with Americans dating their little princess more than anything else.. Just saying.

Blackdood,

I think this is more about their daughter dating outside of her race more than them not liking black people. If it was a white man her parents would not approve either. It sucks I know, but do not fall into the trap about this being a black thing... Your too intelligent for that anyways. I know the difficulties interracial relationships bring first hand. I've only been with one of my own race once... the rest have all been black women.

All I can say is give them the respect that you would want your self. Do they deserve it, maybe not... but in the end you will be the bigger person and you will not give them anything to hold against you when you marry their princess....

I never let the race boundaries stop me and you shouldn't either...

Peace!

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interacial couple and her parents dont like it

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