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Question: Why are some OW's cruel and mean to W after D day

outofdarkness

By outofdarkness
in The Other Man / Woman

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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I was wondering if you all could tell me why some OW's are really mean and degrading to the W after D day? Is it because of the lies that they've been told by MM? Is it because she's angry that he chose to stay or that she just exists to begin with.

 

Everyone knows my H was/is..idk, a serial cheater. I've only spoken w/ two OW's..One was respectful and remorseful, the other was/is extremely cruel and constantly tries to go behind my back and say bad things about me. I guess this could be b/c my H said so many bad things about me..BUT, the other OW quickly realized after talking w/ me that I was NOT the person that he portrayed me to be. What is it w/ this particular OW? Did they fall in love..This is the OW that he seems to be defensive of and sort of protective of when her name is mentioned...Not very often I might add. What's up w/ this. I really just want to understand..

 

I know you all get sick of me posting on OW forum, but most of you have been extremely helpful and kind to me..Thanks to any of you who take the time to read this and answer..:eek:

LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
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Some OW are mean to the W after Dday because the W to her represents the one thing standing in the way of her being with the MM, and its easier to direct her anger at the W, who she doesn't give two sh*ts about than it is to direct her anger at the MM, who she still loves.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

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I don't know why someone would act that way...I can only think that at the time, they are miserable and hurt and they want to hurt someone as much as they are hurting...

 

I just think that if something is meant to be, it will be...better to conduct yourself with a little bit of class and grace...

 

And you're always welcome here OOD...

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

Posted
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I know the OW get tired of us nonOPs answering questions directed at them, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

 

Sometimes its exactly what you said, the fact that they have been handed a vision of you and they can't deal with the disonnance (sp?) created when they actually see you as different from what he created for them.

 

But in the case of the OW that you are thinking about, I think this one is just mad that he told her he wasn't looking to leave his W just enhance his life. I don't know why he gets defensive about her, but maybe she's got the goods and he knows she might spill one day. So she is caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

1. She wants to keep seeing him, so she has to keep his secrets and can't out him

 

2. She already knows that he ain't leaving, so what would be the point of outting him

 

3. She really wants him for herself so she keeps his secrets and lashes out at you for not seeing the *truth*

 

I really am not clairvoyant (sp?), but I've seen this in acquaintances who were dating married guys with these special *restraints*.

 

Either way, LB was right. She can't lash out at him, so she does it to you.

hardcase Established Member

hardcase

Posted
Posted
I was wondering if you all could tell me why some OW's are really mean and degrading to the W after D day?

 

 

The question is...why does it surprise you that people who are so selfish as to screw someone elses spouse and wreck homes end up being total asses when all is found out?

 

It doesn't surprise me at all.

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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I know the OW get tired of us nonOPs answering questions directed at them, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

 

Sometimes its exactly what you said, the fact that they have been handed a vision of you and they can't deal with the disonnance (sp?) created when they actually see you as different from what he created for them.

 

But in the case of the OW that you are thinking about, I think this one is just mad that he told her he wasn't looking to leave his W just enhance his life. I don't know why he gets defensive about her, but maybe she's got the goods and he knows she might spill one day. So she is caught between a rock and a hard place.

 

1. She wants to keep seeing him, so she has to keep his secrets and can't out him

 

2. She already knows that he ain't leaving, so what would be the point of outting him

 

3. She really wants him for herself so she keeps his secrets and lashes out at you for not seeing the *truth*

 

I really am not clairvoyant (sp?), but I've seen this in acquaintances who were dating married guys with these special *restraints*.

 

Either way, LB was right. She can't lash out at him, so she does it to you.

Thanks for your insight..It really helped to put some things into perspective for me..I had not thought of her lashing out at me b/c she could not at him..Also, I have always thought that this particular OW had threatened him w/ telling all to me and this is why he continues to appease her...Although I have no proof that the A continues..I just know that he is very closed mouthed about her and when she is mentioned he gets very defensive and almost like he is protecting her. It could be as he told me, that he has never even met her and only hears from her when she is provoked, but I am leery of this explanation. I will always wonder...WHAT is is about this particular OW that makes him so nervous and uptight..Thanks again for the insight.

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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The question is...why does it surprise you that people who are so selfish as to screw someone elses spouse and wreck homes end up being total asses when all is found out?

 

It doesn't surprise me at all.

Well, at the risk of seemingly "siding" w/ the OW's, I will say that I don't believe all OW are bad people just because they are involved in A's. I think that, as I said in my original post, some are not told the truth about the state of the M to begin w/, or told that the MM is not M at all. I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt..I agree that A's are wrong, at least in my book, but when an OW is unaware of the marital status, or it is misrepresented from the get go, they too, are caught in a rock and a hard place. Each situation is different and should be treated as such, IMO..Thanks for taking the time to respond

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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I don't know why someone would act that way...I can only think that at the time, they are miserable and hurt and they want to hurt someone as much as they are hurting...

 

I just think that if something is meant to be, it will be...better to conduct yourself with a little bit of class and grace...

 

And you're always welcome here OOD...

Thanks GEL! I always enjoy hearing from you. You have been so wonderful about giving me your honest and heartfelt OP's and I really appreciate it. Also, thanks so much for making me feel welcome posting here...

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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Some OW are mean to the W after Dday because the W to her represents the one thing standing in the way of her being with the MM, and its easier to direct her anger at the W, who she doesn't give two sh*ts about than it is to direct her anger at the MM, who she still loves.

Well said...Direct and to the point. Thanks for your insight and for taking the time to read the thread and respond..

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

There are different kinds of OWs, just like there are different kinds of betrayed wives. Some wives, like yourself, aren't interested in getting their pound of flesh from the OW, only wanting the truth.

 

If the primary OW in my situation was truly remorseful and a nice person, I would also not have been interested in my pound of flesh. That she was vindictive, caused me to respond in kind. Now I'm almost free and she's living in her self-made personal hell. Karma is good.

 

Btw, OOD, there were a couple of unknowing OWs too. I left them alone because they were victimized too.

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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There are different kinds of OWs, just like there are different kinds of betrayed wives. Some wives, like yourself, aren't interested in getting their pound of flesh from the OW, only wanting the truth.

 

If the primary OW in my situation was truly remorseful and a nice person, I would also not have been interested in my pound of flesh. That she was vindictive, caused me to respond in kind. Now I'm almost free and she's living in her self-made personal hell. Karma is good.

 

Btw, OOD, there were a couple of unknowing OWs too. I left them alone because they were victimized too.

Yes, I am aware that there are quite a few unknowing OW's out there who are victims of the MM's lies as we are..It's sad all around..I'm still trying to figure out if these MM's are narcissists or mentally ill, or just plain mean...Mabey all of these. The destruction that these MM's create in some if not all situations, is unbelievable, and I can't help but wonder what if anything transpired during these MM's childhood...Not trying to excuse the behavior, but one does wonder???? Thanks for the reply..I appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to try to help me understand..

NearlyThere Established Member

NearlyThere

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I was wondering if you all could tell me why some OW's are really mean and degrading to the W after D day? Is it because of the lies that they've been told by MM? Is it because she's angry that he chose to stay or that she just exists to begin with.

 

Everyone knows my H was/is..idk, a serial cheater. I've only spoken w/ two OW's..One was respectful and remorseful, the other was/is extremely cruel and constantly tries to go behind my back and say bad things about me. I guess this could be b/c my H said so many bad things about me..BUT, the other OW quickly realized after talking w/ me that I was NOT the person that he portrayed me to be. What is it w/ this particular OW? Did they fall in love..This is the OW that he seems to be defensive of and sort of protective of when her name is mentioned...Not very often I might add. What's up w/ this. I really just want to understand..

 

I know you all get sick of me posting on OW forum, but most of you have been extremely helpful and kind to me..Thanks to any of you who take the time to read this and answer..:eek:

 

 

I really couldn't say why this OW constantly continues to say cruel things behind your back, I should imagine that she is a catty biotchy & nasty person in all other walks of life as well.

 

Why does he defend her, well I go with NID, maybe she knows something he doesn't want you to find out OR possibly it could be, and I know your H is a serial cheater, but if he is a good and kind man perhaps he thinks about the lies and perhaps the promises he told her and he may feel guilty and think that he should defend her as what she is saying is based on his own manipulation of her in the A.

 

BTW OOD, your more than welcome to post on here because she always come accross as such a kind and caring person, no matter who you are addressing.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
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Yes, I am aware that there are quite a few unknowing OW's out there who are victims of the MM's lies as we are..It's sad all around..I'm still trying to figure out if these MM's are narcissists or mentally ill, or just plain mean...Mabey all of these. The destruction that these MM's create in some if not all situations, is unbelievable, and I can't help but wonder what if anything transpired during these MM's childhood...Not trying to excuse the behavior, but one does wonder???? Thanks for the reply..I appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to try to help me understand..

Both you and I are serial cheater survivors. My ex is a narcissist and yours probably is too. If you think about a narcissist, they are the only person that matters and the universe would stop without them. Concern about anyone else only happens when it's beneficial to this type of individual.

 

Here's an article from psychologytoday about narcissm if you're interested, and yes, it does make a reference to childhood experiences.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic.html

IThinkIllGoToBoston Member

IThinkIllGoToBoston

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because she's insecure!!!! You're the forefront of this man's life, or else you were for so long. She's got big shoes to fill, and she knows that she can't erase you from his world or his memory completely. Being cruel to you and degrading you/talking crap is the only thing she has to make herself feel better. The more she tries to convince others, the more she is really just trying to convince herself that you're nothing.... something that she'll never be able to do.

 

 

don't let her get to you. it's really not about the problems she has with you at all. it's all about the problems she has with herself.

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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because she's insecure!!!! You're the forefront of this man's life, or else you were for so long. She's got big shoes to fill, and she knows that she can't erase you from his world or his memory completely. Being cruel to you and degrading you/talking crap is the only thing she has to make herself feel better. The more she tries to convince others, the more she is really just trying to convince herself that you're nothing.... something that she'll never be able to do.

 

 

don't let her get to you. it's really not about the problems she has with you at all. it's all about the problems she has with herself.

Thanks for the encouragement. You've brought up some points that I really had not thought about and they really made me feel better about myself as a person, wife, mother, etc. Thank you...

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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Both you and I are serial cheater survivors. My ex is a narcissist and yours probably is too. If you think about a narcissist, they are the only person that matters and the universe would stop without them. Concern about anyone else only happens when it's beneficial to this type of individual.

 

Here's an article from psychologytoday about narcissm if you're interested, and yes, it does make a reference to childhood experiences.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic.html

Yes I am very interested in the article and will look at it as soon as I have some alone time..Hopefully today, since it's Mother's day..I do believe that my H has some narcissistic qualities, and I am worried about it. I think that I have known all along, and just denied it. Thanks for the insight...I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

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outofdarkness Established Member

outofdarkness

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I really couldn't say why this OW constantly continues to say cruel things behind your back, I should imagine that she is a catty biotchy & nasty person in all other walks of life as well.

 

Why does he defend her, well I go with NID, maybe she knows something he doesn't want you to find out OR possibly it could be, and I know your H is a serial cheater, but if he is a good and kind man perhaps he thinks about the lies and perhaps the promises he told her and he may feel guilty and think that he should defend her as what she is saying is based on his own manipulation of her in the A.

 

BTW OOD, your more than welcome to post on here because she always come accross as such a kind and caring person, no matter who you are addressing.

Thanks for you kind word and insight. I really appreciate it, and you have really given me some things to think about..You have all helped me tremendously..Any other thoughts are greatly appreciated. AND..Happy Mother's day to all..Whether you are one, have one or just want to celebrate a wonderful day...

mopar crazy Established Member

mopar crazy

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xOW hat on: I wasn't upset w/ his live in GF when it ended. It was kind of a mutual ending. If his GF, well W, they M shortly after, would of called me or confronted me I would of never been mean. She had every right to yell at me for sleeping w/ her BF.

 

BW hot on: xOW was never mean to me after it ended. A liar, and a PITA, but never mean.

justice Established Member

justice

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The OW in my case when I was married, was mean and nasty towards me. She stalked me and broke out windows in my car.

When the police asked her why she did these things, she said because I thought if I was nasty enough I could get rid of the wife!

IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

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I'll add my 2 cents onto TBF's. When you are dealing with a serial cheater, narcissist, sex addict, or whatever pitiful excuse these people grasp onto, you are dealing with a person whose GAME is to quickly assess another's persons personality to see what will work for them. The GAME is fun because to win (gain the affections of another) then you must be able to pinpoint what they NEED and its different for everyone, so there it becomes a challange. The same things don't work for everyone. It's why I don't buy into the sexual addiction, because the GAME to them is more of an addiction than the actuall act. If women were lining up outside of their bedrooms they would quickly become bored. The part that fills them up is the GAME, winning something, a trophy. Our situation is very different from the MM with only 1 outside love interest.

 

There was a poster, OW, on the board whose MM instilled pitty for his wife, there are posters whose MM instill contempt, those who convince OW that their lives would be unbareable without the OW's devotion and sacrifice. These things are tailored (IMO) to the specific OW more than the reality of the situation. So with different personalities you will obviously have different responses. From the little bit I've heard of this particular MEAN other woman in your case that this is her personality. I don't believe that this one wants anything permanenty with your H. I really don't know why he protects her except that she seems to have a very strong personality!

 

Have an incredibly wonderful Mother's Day!:love:

hardcase Established Member

hardcase

Posted
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Well, at the risk of seemingly "siding" w/ the OW's, I will say that I don't believe all OW are bad people just because they are involved in A's. I think that, as I said in my original post, some are not told the truth about the state of the M to begin w/, or told that the MM is not M at all. I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt..I agree that A's are wrong, at least in my book, but when an OW is unaware of the marital status, or it is misrepresented from the get go, they too, are caught in a rock and a hard place. Each situation is different and should be treated as such, IMO..Thanks for taking the time to respond

 

Thats all fine and dandy...but this thread isn't about an OW who is unaware of their cheating MM's marital status.

Its about OW who know they are married...dont' care, then are real jerks to the BW.

 

Yes...each sitch is different..but I am responding to a specific type of sitch where the circumstances are known.

pricillia Established Member

pricillia

Posted
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The question is...why does it surprise you that people who are so selfish as to screw someone elses spouse and wreck homes end up being total asses when all is found out?

 

It doesn't surprise me at all.

 

 

there is that famous SC attitude again...

 

make them pay I say... there is no other way... said the crumb:rolleyes:

Freedom Now Established Member

Freedom Now

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When my xMM's wife found out about me, she called me. She was notably angry and desperate for me to tell her that her fears were unfounded.

 

I was just as hurt as her, as I didn't know that she existed until I was deeply involved with her husband.

 

I was physically shaken when I heard her voice, as I am sure she was when she heard mine.

 

I reassured her that her fears were unfounded. I covered for him. Not necessarily because I wanted to cover for HIM, but I didn't want to inflict the incredible amount of pain that I was capable of inflicting on an innocent woman. She deserved NONE of this. And she deserves NONE of what she is getting now.

 

It was HIS place to own up to his infractions. And he didn't.

 

But to be cruel to HER? Never. She was hurting far more than I. And SHE wasn't the one who hurt me, he did.

 

I pray that she is healing, although I am sure he isn't making it easy for her. He is self centered and self serving. And I am sure he will be up to his old antics soon enough.

 

He is a seductive man.

 

If she contacted me now....I would gently tell her the truth. She deserves it, as I know he has denied virtually every part of our relationship with her. And if her gut is screaming BS on him, I would help her in her quest for the truth. She deserves that.

 

Just my two cents, tho....

scaredinlove Established Member

scaredinlove

Posted
Posted
I was wondering if you all could tell me why some OW's are really mean and degrading to the W after D day? Is it because of the lies that they've been told by MM? Is it because she's angry that he chose to stay or that she just exists to begin with.

 

Everyone knows my H was/is..idk, a serial cheater. I've only spoken w/ two OW's..One was respectful and remorseful, the other was/is extremely cruel and constantly tries to go behind my back and say bad things about me. I guess this could be b/c my H said so many bad things about me..BUT, the other OW quickly realized after talking w/ me that I was NOT the person that he portrayed me to be. What is it w/ this particular OW? Did they fall in love..This is the OW that he seems to be defensive of and sort of protective of when her name is mentioned...Not very often I might add. What's up w/ this. I really just want to understand..

 

I know you all get sick of me posting on OW forum, but most of you have been extremely helpful and kind to me..Thanks to any of you who take the time to read this and answer..:eek:

 

 

Im my case the W is the one who is nasty.Althought when she talked to me she was polite.But she left nasty messages in my answer machine and told MM she was goin to talk to my exH and even come to my work and tell my boss what a W*** I was.

I don't hate her at all, and I wouldn't be mean to her. When she called I metion that I didn't like the messages she left in my answer machine and that was all.

I have been a OP too, my fiance before my H had TWO OW, I didn't contact none of them. I don't understand why the BS even contact the OW. The problem is not the OW or the BS, but the MM. I don't understand why getting angry at each other.

 

Sorry you had been treated the way you had, but not every OW will act like that, as you know. You said one was polite.I guess it depends on the person's personality.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
Im my case the W is the one who is nasty.Althought when she talked to me she was polite.But she left nasty messages in my answer machine and told MM she was goin to talk to my exH and even come to my work and tell my boss what a W*** I was.

I don't hate her at all, and I wouldn't be mean to her. When she called I metion that I didn't like the messages she left in my answer machine and that was all.

 

But, don't you think she had a right to out you to your husband? And to your boss? Ofcourse you didn't like it that she left messages on your machine, but I'm pretty darn sure she didn't like the fact you were having an affair with her husband...Did she tell your H and did she tell your boss?

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