peace_pipe Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 It has been 24 hours of no contact initiated by me... let me back up now. I met this new girl about a week ago, she is my neighbor. The first day we met we ended up talking for hours and then hanging out later that night. She is very attractive and we have a LOT in common. So we both live close to the beach and all week she has been mssaging me asking me to do stuff which is cool. One evening we got physical (no sex). This kind of made me start thinking of what my and her expectations were, etc. So the next time we hang out, I initate a conversation about what her needs / wants are. This is when she says that she does not want a relationship. At first I was okay with this. After I thought about it a few more days, I came to the realization that I don't think I can date someone who openly denies a relationship with me. Another part of me thinks maybe she is just trying to get to know me and see where it goes. At the same time, I don't want to be some chump she uses until "something better" comes along. She is a few years younger than me and I think perhaps she is in a different place in life than me. So I told her I thought it was best for us not to see each other on the regular. She didn't seem to like that saying "but I still want to hang out". I don't get it. Does she want her cake and eat it too? I am wondering if I made the right decision. I thought it would be best to state my intentions and then let her take it from there. I simply told her I would like to get to know someone who has potential and since she does not want a relationship...... you know the rest. On top of all of this, she openly admitted that she cheated on her ex boyfriend and regrets it. This happened 3 months ago. I see many red flags but there always seems to be red flags..... I was really diggin this girl until this happened. Opinions?
Ssheena Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Yikes! So, you are looking for a potential partner and she states she doesn't want a relationship. Hmmm.. Then the way I see it you have two choices: 1) you can just be buds. The next question is, "can" you just be buds? 2) you can hang out with her etc, etc. and hope that she changes her mind and realizes that she does want a relationship. I would frankly stay away from her. I have learned when someone says they don't want a relationship, they don't. I have learned when someone has cheated on a partner they are more abt to cheat again. Of course she would want to still hang out. She gets everything she wants. Put your needs and wants first. I think it's ok to back away when the person doesn't want what you want. Good luck!
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I think she wants to date you, but not have a relationship. at least she was upfront with you about that. It doesn't mean she's going to use you, she just doesn't want anything heavy.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Yikes! So, you are looking for a potential partner and she states she doesn't want a relationship. Hmmm.. Then the way I see it you have two choices: 1) you can just be buds. The next question is, "can" you just be buds? 2) you can hang out with her etc, etc. and hope that she changes her mind and realizes that she does want a relationship. I would frankly stay away from her. I have learned when someone says they don't want a relationship, they don't. I have learned when someone has cheated on a partner they are more abt to cheat again. Of course she would want to still hang out. She gets everything she wants. Put your needs and wants first. I think it's ok to back away when the person doesn't want what you want. Good luck! Thanks for your response. I see it as her getting everything she wants too. That is why I put a stop to it. I needed to be reinforced that I wasn;t being a total jerk. I thought to myself....."Do I want to spend a bunch of time with this girl if she does not know what she wants when I could be out meeting a potential mate?" Anyone else....
Author peace_pipe Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 I think she wants to date you, but not have a relationship. at least she was upfront with you about that. It doesn't mean she's going to use you, she just doesn't want anything heavy. This is what I don't understand though. Why would you date someone whom you openly deny wanting a relationship with?
Author peace_pipe Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Yikes! 1) you can just be buds. The next question is, "can" you just be buds? 2) you can hang out with her etc, etc. and hope that she changes her mind and realizes that she does want a relationship. Good luck! 1) Absolutley not. Everytime I see her I want to bang. 2) This could be such a huge investment and waste of time, hence my dilemma.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 She's being open and honest with you. Men tell women they date all the time "I want to date you but I'm not looking for anything serious." It means you are both allowed to see other people, you're not committed or getting engaged, no obligations to each other as far as calling, spending weekends together, etc. like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. If you are OK with that, keep seeing her on those terms. If not, which it sounds like you're not, don't see her anymore. It's not rocket science.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 She's being open and honest with you. Men tell women they date all the time "I want to date you but I'm not looking for anything serious." It means you are both allowed to see other people, you're not committed or getting engaged, no obligations to each other as far as calling, spending weekends together, etc. like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. If you are OK with that, keep seeing her on those terms. If not, which it sounds like you're not, don't see her anymore. It's not rocket science. In other words, I could take her to dinner and she could bang someone else. Thanks for your words, my above statement pretty much sums up why I initiated the no contact. I don't need the drama..... but there's always drama, and the cycle of singledom continues.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 She's being open and honest with you. Men tell women they date all the time "I want to date you but I'm not looking for anything serious." It means you are both allowed to see other people, you're not committed or getting engaged, no obligations to each other as far as calling, spending weekends together, etc. like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. If you are OK with that, keep seeing her on those terms. If not, which it sounds like you're not, don't see her anymore. It's not rocket science. But my question to you is this: Why would a person knowingly waste time (date) someone they know they do not want a relationship with? Isn't the purpose of dating to eventually find a suitable partner? Or is it a way to fill your own selfish needs without care or regard for others? The only ovious answer I can think of is that the person needs attention.
kepners Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 honestly, relax - i believe you have made the right choice. I know men say those thing to women, but we all KNOW this that mean have no choice when she makes up her mind she wants him or doesnt want him. hehe its game over! HAHA buddy, u have made the right choice in my book but i am sure of one thing... T&J wont agree.. she never agrees with me! HAHAHA
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Well I do agree he is making the right choice for himself. A lot of people date and it's not serious. It's not a crime. It's people spending time, yes, banging, hanging out...but it is going to end at some point, it is fun with each other for the time being. And yes, it is possible the other party in this situation is seeing other people and doing similar things with them. I guess I wasn't telling you to continue seeing her, I was telling you she was upfront about what she wanted, so at least you have a choice to take it or leave it. (dating without a possibility of it getting serious.) Now personally, I am against cheating. so if a guy told me he had cheated on his last gf, that would be something that I wouldn't want to date. I'm just saying she is not *necessarily* weird or a bad person or immoral because she wants to date you casually, you are judging her as such.
Author peace_pipe Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Well I do agree he is making the right choice for himself. A lot of people date and it's not serious. It's not a crime. It's people spending time, yes, banging, hanging out...but it is going to end at some point, it is fun with each other for the time being. And yes, it is possible the other party in this situation is seeing other people and doing similar things with them. I guess I wasn't telling you to continue seeing her, I was telling you she was upfront about what she wanted, so at least you have a choice to take it or leave it. (dating without a possibility of it getting serious.) Now personally, I am against cheating. so if a guy told me he had cheated on his last gf, that would be something that I wouldn't want to date. I'm just saying she is not *necessarily* weird or a bad person or immoral because she wants to date you casually, you are judging her as such. As a man, if you "weeded" out every girl that ever cheated, there would not be many left to chose from. But I inderstand and that is why I am here posting on a Saturday night. I guess I am judging her because she does not want a relationship. The way I see it, everyone wants a relationship, and when I hear her say this what I hear is "I don't want a relationship with you". Oh well, just another sucky dating experience... there's been so many.
smilesmile Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I thought to myself....."Do I want to spend a bunch of time with this girl if she does not know what she wants when I could be out meeting a potential mate?" Anyone else.... Do you enjoy spending time with her? You can see her occassionally and still look for a more suitable woman. Learning to live in the present is a great tool to learn, and can really increase your happiness. Hope you get it figured out with this girl!
smilesmile Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I thought to myself....."Do I want to spend a bunch of time with this girl if she does not know what she wants when I could be out meeting a potential mate?" Anyone else.... I ask myself that question a lot in terms of my current "relationship" (using the term loosely). But, I've realized that casually seeing someone does not mean closing off other opportunities. If you enjoy being with her, go for it, but be open to meeting new people too. Good luck!
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 True, Supersmile. Also I would say to wait beyond a week and a first date before you have a "where is this relationship headed" talk. It seems you were looking to date her exclusively right after you met her, and that may have scared her off, too. In any case, I wish you well, also!
Author peace_pipe Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 I ask myself that question a lot in terms of my current "relationship" (using the term loosely). But, I've realized that casually seeing someone does not mean closing off other opportunities. If you enjoy being with her, go for it, but be open to meeting new people too. Good luck! I do like being with this girl, but I am not willing to sacrifice my dignity to be with her. I am a one woman man, even if it's dating so this would be unacceptable to me.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 This situation would drive me nuts while trying to find someone to wanted to date who was also looking for a relationship. Though honesty is one thing I appreciate, doesn't waste anyone's time, i will give her that. I would start talking to a guy and he tells me he wants someone to spend time with, cuddle on the couch and have sex with but doesn't want a relationship. hmm want all the benefits but not any of the work or commitment? Didn't work for me! LOL Only she really knows what she wants, that was just my experiences. Maybe the best way to know is to ask her, ask her what she really wants if she still wants to see you but doesn't want a relationship?
hardcase Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 One evening we got physical (no sex). This kind of made me start thinking of what my and her expectations were, etc. So the next time we hang out, I initate a conversation about what her needs / wants are. This is when she says that she does not want a relationship. At first I was okay with this. After I thought about it a few more days, I came to the realization that I don't think I can date someone who openly denies a relationship with me. Another part of me thinks maybe she is just trying to get to know me and see where it goes. At the same time, I don't want to be some chump she uses until "something better" comes along. And thats exactly what she will be doing....keeping you until she can trade up. She is leasing...not buying. It is her right to not want a relationship, and you shouldn't be mad at her for that...but at the same time, you don't have to sit there and be a fool for her. So I told her I thought it was best for us not to see each other on the regular. She didn't seem to like that saying "but I still want to hang out". I don't get it. Does she want her cake and eat it too? I am wondering if I made the right decision. Yup...she wants her cake and eat it too...and yes.. you made the right decision as far as I am concerned. If you want a relationship, and she just wants to date around...then you are wasting your time with her. I'd stop hanging out with her. She wants to hang out so she can still play the field, yet hang you on a string....move on my man. On top of all of this, she openly admitted that she cheated on her ex boyfriend and regrets it. This happened 3 months ago. Boom...there you go...if that isn't reason enough to stop hanging out with her I don't know what is. Ditch her dude.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 People, let's remember....he just met this girl a week ago. Is it time yet to be asking if she wants a relationship yet? She probably hasn't even had time enough with peace pipe to evaluate this for herself. Then he asked her shortly after meeting her basically "where is this headed, what do you want?" They've known each other a week, not long enough for many people to know if they want an exclusive "relationship" yet. peace pipe is all "well I have these one woman/one man values". Ok and it seems like she still has feelings for her ex anyway since she says she regrets cheating on him.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 People, let's remember....he just met this girl a week ago. Is it time yet to be asking if she wants a relationship yet? He said "I initate a conversation about what her needs / wants are." and her response was she doesn't want a relationship.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Yes, so I don't see why he's judging her for being honest. He has it bad for her and she isn't as into him and it's pissing him off.
monkey00 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 At first I was okay with this. After I thought about it a few more days, I came to the realization that I don't think I can date someone who openly denies a relationship with me. Another part of me thinks maybe she is just trying to get to know me and see where it goes. At the same time, I don't want to be some chump she uses until "something better" comes along. She is a few years younger than me and I think perhaps she is in a different place in life than me. Ive been in those shoes before and let me say the "something better" part can be the worst feeling in the world. I know the idea of wasting time, money, and emotional investment in someone can be very draining - especially at the idea that it wont evolve or go anywhere...ive been down that road. What I can say that may make that idea more appealing is if you're on the same page as her and take it with a grain of salt and date others/keep your options open as a learning experience. If this does not appeal to you at all, I suggest just moving on and finding someone who is ready to be in a relationship. But be glad that she was upfront and honest - not a lot of people are capable of doing that. At least you know what to expect and not to expect from her. Women say a lot of things they dont mean...who knows there may be potential for this to turn into a relationship down the road.
sweetbutcheeky Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Yes, so I don't see why he's judging her for being honest. He has it bad for her and she isn't as into him and it's pissing him off. He didn't bring up a relationship too soon, she brought it up. But I think his problem is her saying one thing and even though he said explained how he feels she doesn't want to either respect how he feels or she wants more and doesn't want to not see him at all. I think he is feeling like he is getting mixed messages. Not really anyone's fault just a matter of trying to read another person on his end and on her end her assuming he understands what she wants. It's hard when you can't read people's minds. Wouldn't that be nice?
Author peace_pipe Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Only she really knows what she wants, that was just my experiences. Maybe the best way to know is to ask her, ask her what she really wants if she still wants to see you but doesn't want a relationship? I did ask her and she does not want a relationship, but she is okay with "hangin out with me and being physical". wow I am confused. perhaps it is the captain morgan right now.
trigger Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I did ask her and she does not want a relationship, but she is okay with "hangin out with me and being physical". wow I am confused. perhaps it is the captain morgan right now. Really, how much clearer could she possibly be than this?? Take it at face value, that's all you can do. Trying reading anything between the lines and that's when you run into trouble. Move on if you want more than that. Otherwise you'll end up with a messed up head. I feel you, though.
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