Trying to Move On

[Guest]

I stopped talking to Brandon about 5 months ago, after a nasty argument. We ended on bad terms, and, by that point, I was not willing to waste any time trying to make the terms better. I sent him one last message later that day and I hadn't talked to him until about two months ago.

 

I finally decided to quit ignoring him at the club, he's usually there every week, so we talked for a little bit and he asked me to dance. Then he said two things that I had only dreamed of "I miss you" and "I love you." By this time, I knew better than to just go on those words. The next day he called and told me he wanted to hang out later that week. I decided that probably wouldn't be the best idea, and I told him so. He curtly replied "Okay" as if it didn't really matter to him. I called him a little later and told him that we needed to talk, and he was like, about what, and I told him about the past three months, we hadn't talked to each other and there were a lot of things I wanted to get cleared up. And he asks "Why are you being so dramatic?" Then we got in a little spat about the argument we had when I really spoke to him last, and he said that my friend and I acted our ages and that we were being immature in going to his apartment to get my stuff back. I kept going and eventually he said "Allen, I'm going to let you go" and he hung up. I said, if he wants to call he will. Two months later, no call. I was doing fine, absolutely fine. Somehow, he had the gall to talk to me a couple of weeks ago at the club, as if nothing had happened. I ignored him for the rest of the night.

 

Last night, I saw him with his new boy, a relationship I don't see lasting very long, considering Brandon's history. I ignored him again, just like I used to, except my ex kept talking to him (they like hanging out). I left eventually and I just felt upset. It grew and grew and earlier today I just had to cry and let a lot of it out. I went to the mall, thinking I was better, but I really hadn't made that much progress.

 

It's been five months and I've gotten along great without Brandon, but I miss him still so much. I hate seeing him, I hate knowing that I don't mean near as much as he does to me. I was fine not seeing him and then I regress all over again when I see him with this new guy. Right now, everything feels so heavy. My day has gotten longer again, my whole existence feels burdened, and I want so much for it to go away.

 

I keep dreaming of him, thinking of him, and those thoughts dominate. I wish he was gone, to where there was no chance, even less of a chance, of getting him. I was never in a relationship with him, but I found my way into the most toxic eight months of my life. I have to coach myself and say that he doesn't care, if he did he'd call, that I don't mean anything to him, just to get by. I want so much for that to be false, but he's not showing me anything otherwise.

 

This heartache, whenever I tell someone else about it I feel insignificant, but when it's just me and that feeling, it's so oppressive. It hurts, just that simple. It hurts.

 

I want him back, but he's not good for me. I don't even know if I'd be willing to try anything with him if things were looking up. I don't think it's worth it.

 

And one thing that gets me is that I'm alone, I had to question my sanity and my grip on reality. I was the one who was left hurt and alone, and he switches people every two weeks. I can't say who's good or bad, I just know I never did anything near as hurtful as what he put me through. I've held back my anger, I've tried to stay away from him and start over for myself. Yet, he can talk about me and get something and I can be decent and respectful, even if I ignore him like the plague, and get absolutely nothing in return.