jennesis2 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Okay, so I am a 27 year old female with two very close friends (best friends) in my life that I have known for about three years. One of the two friends has a very distinctive personality which stands apart from anyone I've ever known (and this is apparent to my other friend as well). She is completely selfish. By that I mean, everything in her life has to exclusively benefit her in some way, or she wants no part of it. She is highly territorial, does not like to share, and has issues about people sharing her personal space. (Like if you accidentally touch her or hit her, she will freak out). If one can get past this, she is a great and fun person. Anyhow, she has displayed many selfish behaviors during our friendship that I just have to roll my eyes at and tell myself "That's just Jen." But there are are three instances, culminating with the one that happened last night that have infuriated me so badly I have considered calling off the friendship. 1.) I live in a busy city and only have street parking. On emergency, I had to fly to LA to see my brother for a weekend. I didn't know what to do with my car, which cannot be parked on my street continously (it has to be moved). At my zero hour, I called my friend who has both street parking available (like I do), and a personal parking space in her complex and asked if I could just leave my car in her space for two days over the weekend as I had to fly asap and had no other option. She said no. 2). We went for a hike and afterwards ended up at her place to get a drink. She only drinks water from the tap and I think that's unclean. So I asked her for some milk and drank some of that instead. After I drank the milk I had that "residue" type feeling in my mouth, and needed something to wash it down. So I reached over and took one sip from her water. She said "Don't ever take my things without asking me. If you want water, get it yourself." 3). This is the coup de grace. As I said before, we go on daily hikes and walks often. Her place is near our walking trail, so we often have to end up there and are thirsty and need to drink. I always end up drinking her soy milk because I won't drink tap water. Everytime I drink her stuff, I tell her that I will replace it. So, yesterday I went out and bought TWO cartons of milk, plus a large jug of water. I called her on her cell phone before I got to her house and told her I wanted to drop it off, and could I also use the internet to check some urgent mail I was waiting on. Well, she never called me back, and had given me a key to her place before "for emergencies." So I used the key, stocked up her fridge, checked my email, and left her place, making sure to turn out all lights, lock the door, and leave things exactly as they were. She calls me later on that night and says "Thanks for the water and milk and all, but I don't EVER want you to be in my home when I am not there. Do you understand?" RGGGGGGGGGGGGGH? Is this person worth having as a friend? I know that these things may sound trivial, but I pick my friends carefully. I grew up in a very loving and close family, where if you were in a time of need, we dropped anything/everything (within reason) to help that person or make their lives more convenient. Every time my friend pulls this selfish sh*t, I think "Why am I friends with a person who doesn't even feel loyal/strong enough to share a sip of water with me, or feel comfortable with me in their house when they are not there?" I would not even think twice about either of my good friends doing either of these things, and in fact have given them both sets of keys to my place. I wouldn't give a crap if they were there everyday without my being there. But then again, I know I have a different set of core values. Should I drop this friend? What's the point of a friendship if it only exists for the convenience of the other peron? HELP!
Guest Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I think we have the same friend. My friend's name is Jen as well. Just last week was her 30th birthday. We work together. I went all out. Blew up thirty helium balloons, decorated her cubicle, gifts, large edible arrangement, money from coworkers for her to treat herself on her birthday. She did not say thank-you to one person. It was really dishearting. She is also very much like your friend. I'm not really sure what to tell you since I am in the same boat. Over time I have learned to invest less of myself emotionally in this relationship. I have seeked out more fulfilling friendships. This has helped a lot.
quankanne Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 am curious ... is she a highly personal person? As in, doesn't have a whole lot of friends because she's just not comfortable in social situations? That could explain the whole distance thing ... while she may truly care for you as her friend, she might not be able to get past that "give me wide berth for my sanity" phase. Which would make sense if she's generous to you her in her own fashion ... sometimes, when you really like the person, you put up with the idiosyncracies because you care about their friendship. If it's starting to get on your nerves more often than not, best thing to do is talk with her to get a better understanding why she says the things she does, you know?
Storyrider Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Sorry, but I don't think she's being that unreasonable. I don't know what her reasons were about the parking space, but the other two issues don't seem that out of line. It seems to me she is setting the boundaries she feels comfortable with and communicating them very clearly. Why do you have a problem sticking to those boundaries? Why don't you carry your own bottled water with you if you have a problem with tap water? That is your issue, not hers.
Author jennesis2 Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Exactly . . . . Which is why I felt bad about drinking all her milk and bought her two more and a huge jug of water for me so that we wouldn't keep having this problem . . .
Storyrider Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 But it is totally her right to not want you in her apartment or your mouth on her glass. The fact that your boundaries are different is irrelevant.
Author jennesis2 Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Right again, which is the whole purpose of my post. Maybe I cannot be friends with a person whose personal boundaries so juxtapose the ones that I correlate with a true friendship and trust. And this is my issue, so maybe it is time for me to let go . . .
Storyrider Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Right again, which is the whole purpose of my post. Maybe I cannot be friends with a person whose personal boundaries so juxtapose the ones that I correlate with a true friendship and trust. And this is my issue, so maybe it is time for me to let go . . . Or you could choose to take it less personally, shrug your shoulders and say, "That is just how she is," and laugh about it. But if her behavior hurts your feelings too much to do that, I suppose you might have to move on. I wonder, do you come from a big family where people shared things a lot? Maybe that makes it extra hard for you to not take personally. Does sharing mean love to you?
Author jennesis2 Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 Yes, I actually said that before. I grew up in a large family, and had to share many things. However, we also respected another's privacy. So yes, I suppose sharing does translate to love and respect for me. I can't imagine my mother, father, or siblings, reaching over for a drink of my water and me saying "get your lips off my glass and go get your own." WTF? I consider my closest friends the same as family. I also can't imagine me calling up my mother or close family fuming if they left a gift in my house while I wasn't there (especially if they called and told me they were going to do it!) But as you said before, this is me and my definition of love and respect. I understand that other people have different values. This issue seriously hurts me, and it seems to keep repeating with my friend, so perhaps it's time to let go . . .
quankanne Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 before you call off the friendship, talk to her – you're not going to resolve anything if you leave upset. At least get an idea of why she says/does these things. Like I said before, sometimes people arent' completely comfortable unless there's a wide space between them and others. Doesn't make them bad, just forces you to rethink how to handle the situation.
Author jennesis2 Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Thank you quankanne for your insight and your help. I will talk to her, but it will be really difficult for me. I am still very emotionally upset. Perhaps I should lay out my feelings in an email first? What do you think?
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 I agree with quankanne, you definitely need to talk to her so if it is time to leave the friendship alone, at least you closed it properly and you both understand why. I understand where you are coming from - I'm from a large touchy feely family too and I can probably be a nightmare to people with boundaries. I try to ease of my behaviour. Your friend sounds like she certainly lets you know your place and is very direct with her feelings about your actions - so why not be the same way with her? Is there no way you could maybe give yourself some space from her? To maybe think about what she means to you (or doesnt mean to you depending on what the case may be)? Or maybe limit your friendship to just walking partners and no added extras?
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