kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Legend! HAHAH women with beards! ahahahah, i think i have dated her!
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Umm, original poster, please don't listen to anything Chrome says. Your height and what you look like has nothing to do with it as all men have their own physical preferences and you are probably this guy's physical type if he wanted to be in a relationship with you and started dating you in the first place. I don't like that Chrome is being so superficial as to suggest that it might be your appearance turning this guy off. As far as the sex not going on...Chrome, hon, the problem is she WANTS to give him sex but her guy isn't into sex with her. You say "don't stop with the sex." Well...she's TRYING to give it to him but he isn't a sexual person...I really do think he's gay. This is a serious problem that "time" won't just heal if it's been going on for the entire two year relationship. You feel like something "big" (passion) is missing. You deserve to have the whole package in a guy, the whole enchilada, including passion and a satisfying sex life. Time to let this one go and let him explore his homosexual side. It will be difficult because it's what you're used to, but if you end up marrying this guy because you're "comfy" with the relationship, you will be miserable and be making a horrible mistake. That's bull****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe he isnt attracted to her and he doesnt feel this passion he has for her like she has for him, Sometimes relationships are one sided, with the other party in the dark about the other's true feelings. Men are visual creatures. We look at your bodies, we fantasize about them all day long. Could low sexual feelings be caused by him having a low sex drive. Maybe he isnt generating enough testosterone. How dare you say ignore what I'm saying, What better information is she gonna get about a man from a man? Ignore what I say fine. But let's be real my opinions do have merit.
Teeky3 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I can't say I've ever been in this situation, but let me ask a few questions here: (a) Is he intimidated by your experience (b) Is he an aggressive person naturally © Does he already lack self confidence and self esteem (d) Is he intimiated by you (your work, success) (e) Does he recognize this is an issue for you You man sounds like a terrific guy under regular circumstances except when it comes to displaying natural physical attention to you. Do you know if he's always been this way or is it just you? I think you definitely need to address with him all that you are feeling and in no uncertain terms tell him that you love him and want to work this all out with him, BUT you need affection and to have a physical relationship with him. I can't even begin to fake the funk and think that I could be with a man who does not want or know how to have one with me. It really is like being alone at 4:45 a.m. Hello, all! Once again, sleep has escaped me and while I'm exhausted my mind is churning away about something that has been (oddly) in the back of my mind for a while now. My boyfriend for more than 2 years has continually shown a lack of physical attraction/chemistry towards me since we began dating. He had little experience, so I thought maybe this was a wall that would come down and the "real him" would break through, relax, and have fun. I'm very concerned that he is either 1) just not as sexual as I am (right now it's once a week if we're lucky), 2) getting it somewhere else, or 3) homosexual. #3 concerns me the most, to be honest. He's not the type to cheat or be dishonest, but I feel like if he wants a family (his parents wouldn't go for his lifestyle, let's just put it that way) and having a wife is just the way to do that. Every other guy I've dated has had some significant sexual chemistry/attraction, but not this one. He's the dream boyfriend and everything more (attentive, patient, romantic, thoughtful, caring, etc) but I feel like I'm missing something big here. I was his "first" full sexual experience, but not much has changed since that first encounter. It's gotten to the point where I put off our "one chance" a week so that it's not over with and I have nothing to look forward to as far as sexual gratification. Have any of you females been in this boat?? We've talked about it, and he denies having any attraction towards men in the slightest. He is known for being closed off with his feelings, but I can't deal with this wall (whatever it is) for much longer. I need intimacy and love, and miss it very much. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for your help!
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 That's bull****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe he isnt attracted to her and he doesnt feel this passion he has for her like she has for him, Sometimes relationships are one sided, with the other party in the dark about the other's true feelings. Men are visual creatures. We look at your bodies, we fantasize about them all day long. Could low sexual feelings be caused by him having a low sex drive. Maybe he isnt generating enough testosterone. How dare you say ignore what I'm saying, What better information is she gonna get about a man from a man? Ignore what I say fine. But let's be real my opinions do have merit. I don't understand why the guys on here are so adamant that he's not gay. It's not like I'm calling YOU gay or anything. It's just a perfectly valid possibility that he could be gay. I think the men on here are having doubts about their OWN sexuality or they wouldn't be getting so worked up about this. One last time....he could be gay! Get over it!
smilesmile Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Does it really matter if he is gay, getting it somewhere else, or not as sexual as you are? The point is you are obviously unhappy in this part of your relationship. Maybe it is time to quit analyzing the reason WHY and start to look at your feelings about it, and where you want your relationship to head. Chances are he is not going to change and suddenly become the passionate man you desire. Are his other attributes enough to overlook his flaws in the bedroom? Will this be something that you will be able to let go, or something that will continuously bother you? These are a few other questions to consider . . . Good luck!
Teddy and Jane Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I don't think he's getting it somewhere else, but if he is, yes, it really does matter because he could pass an STD on to her.
longlaffer Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 My "vote" is not gay... It could be that he has been alone and is used to taking care of himself...and porn. That's MY experience. If such is the case, there are reasons and he probably has "issues". Discuss it with him. My experience was that he never desired me, couldn't "finish" with me but was very loving and always made sure I was satisfied. Could this be your guy? I have lots more input on this. Just give me the word and I will be happy to spill more information... longlaffer
Author PositiveShine Posted May 14, 2007 Author Posted May 14, 2007 Thanks for all of the input, all. And a fabulous debate going on as well. Seriously though, on all sides valid points were made (cue After-School Special music here) . . . however politely or bluntly they were stated. I'd like to provide some more info, beginning with T3's questions (quoted): (a) Yes, he admitted this past week that he is/was (?) intimidated by my experience and his lack thereof. I get the impression he feels like he's being measured up compared to my past sexual experiences, and I made it clear that there is no comparison (for me, personally) as each person is different and he is who I want to be with. (b) NO, not at all. In fact, he is extremely polite/kind to others while out and about, which makes me proud. And he does all kinds of small special things for me personally to make me smile or make life a little easier. Definitely a sensitive type who isn't used to showing his feelings for fear of judgement. He tends to be take-charge in the bedroom (fine by me!), like he finally can be assertive and take what he wants . . . learning to be assertive. I've noticed an increase in this assertiveness in our emotional relationship as well, which I respect. And I'm always willing to listen & compromise, and am happy to see him stepping up a bit. © Yes! He was fairly overweight as a child (until late high school), which has definitely affected his view of himself, even though he's gorgeous now. He covers up the lack of self-esteem (again) with humor and being very conscious of how he looks. When we first started dating, I thought he was arrogant! Anyway, bottom line is that he was the "fat, funny kid" who was everyone's friend and never really had girlfriends . . . and had crushes which were never acted upon. I was chunky as a kid, so I understand to a point, but he always turns heads when we go out and, again, I'm proud that he's with me and I get the same response back from him. But, social life is obviously juuuust a bit different from being sexually responsive. (d) Currently, I am the "Sugar Momma" (haha) in the relationship. In his industry the pay is crap at first but the jumps in salary are very significant and, while it takes a little time (he's 27), he'll definitely trump me in the salary dept in the next 2-3 years. But I know he wants to be financially stable and have the ability to be the caretaker if need be. Rent, utilities, etc are all split equally though . . . it's more taking turns when we're doing the fun "extras" (bars, clubs, movies, dinner, cab fare, etc). If I treat him one night, he'll make it up by running errands so I don't have to, getting flowers, etc. I'm happy with the situation, but maybe he's having a hard time. (e) Yes. At first it unfortunately came out as sarcastic comments, which didn't help any (shocker). But we've had normal talks about me being a very sexual person vs. him just not thinking about it as much as I do. I recently have given up trying bc I feel stupid if he isnt in the mood. Again, real seduction is rare (more cute/funny), but it has happened when he's had a few drinks and isn't so self-conscious as to be tentative in making a bold or sexy move. Example: I woke up on Sat morning, and just felt like "giving" (which pleases me) and decided to try and wake him up to that situation, thinking if I were him it'd be pretty f*cking sweet, right? I barely start making my way "down there" when he wakes up, and his initial reaction was, "I have to pee." So I am left on the bed, definitely waiting for him . . . more than 5 mins go by, and I feel foolish and head out to the living room. I hear him come out of the bathroom, thinking he'd be all ready and would let me know so we could start from scratch and have fun. More time goes by, and I peek in and he's back asleep in bed. Again, I throw myself out there and he can't take a hint and be bold in return by stepping up and continuing where we left off? I'm not going to chase him down for something that was just for him, that's ridiculous. Anyway, that's a typical scenario with us. Seems like when I want some (spontaneously) the timing is off, so I just throw up my hands and let him approach me. Entirely longer answer than I anticipated, sorry. I wish I could respond to each posting, but I'll try to sum it up here and hopefully it will help provide some clarity. While he's not thinking of sex as much as I am, he is definitely touchy-feely and very affectionate (things that may turn me on, but he's just not in that mindset). He's definitely learning and gaining confidence (he's a natural in bed, but don't think he realizes it). Also a big people-pleaser, which is crucial in this department. I definitely think porn was a major factor on how he viewed sex. In fact, I told him flat out that he really hasn't learned how to "make love", instead of just banging out. I'm all about variety, so I'm always hinting (ahem, saying it straight out about fun things to try, and asking him for suggestions too. I posted the "potential gay issue" because I suppose it's my worst fear as it's nothing we can work on or fix. I also went to a crappy therapist, and within one hour (and meeting only me, first visit) had diagnosed my SO as being gay, which has apparently stuck with me unfortunately. So, that's where that all came from. I even asked my SO if he ever had any experiences/inclinations based on that doc visit, which was really uncomfortable and embarassing to do. It's craziness to even believe someone who could make such a life-altering diagnosis without meeting the SO, family, and further visits. I realized that after seeking SEVERAL other professional opinions. Bottom line is that my instinct tells me that he still has some physical wall up with me, which is affecting all parts of our R. Whatever it is, I just wish I knew what it was so we can deal with it and move on . . . no matter how drastic/difficult it might be. ***************************************** I can't say I've ever been in this situation, but let me ask a few questions here: (a) Is he intimidated by your experience (b) Is he an aggressive person naturally © Does he already lack self confidence and self esteem (d) Is he intimiated by you (your work, success) (e) Does he recognize this is an issue for you You man sounds like a terrific guy under regular circumstances except when it comes to displaying natural physical attention to you. Do you know if he's always been this way or is it just you? I think you definitely need to address with him all that you are feeling and in no uncertain terms tell him that you love him and want to work this all out with him, BUT you need affection and to have a physical relationship with him. I can't even begin to fake the funk and think that I could be with a man who does not want or know how to have one with me. It really is like being alone at 4:45 a.m.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 14, 2007 Posted May 14, 2007 That's good because I was once in his position as the fat funny kid. I hated that crap! Being in love sometimes takes time to grow. He's opening up to you. And it takes time. keep at it. Oh and he's not gay. forget what teddy and jane said.
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