PositiveShine Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Hello, all! Once again, sleep has escaped me and while I'm exhausted my mind is churning away about something that has been (oddly) in the back of my mind for a while now. My boyfriend for more than 2 years has continually shown a lack of physical attraction/chemistry towards me since we began dating. He had little experience, so I thought maybe this was a wall that would come down and the "real him" would break through, relax, and have fun. I'm very concerned that he is either 1) just not as sexual as I am (right now it's once a week if we're lucky), 2) getting it somewhere else, or 3) homosexual. #3 concerns me the most, to be honest. He's not the type to cheat or be dishonest, but I feel like if he wants a family (his parents wouldn't go for his lifestyle, let's just put it that way) and having a wife is just the way to do that. Every other guy I've dated has had some significant sexual chemistry/attraction, but not this one. He's the dream boyfriend and everything more (attentive, patient, romantic, thoughtful, caring, etc) but I feel like I'm missing something big here. I was his "first" full sexual experience, but not much has changed since that first encounter. It's gotten to the point where I put off our "one chance" a week so that it's not over with and I have nothing to look forward to as far as sexual gratification. Have any of you females been in this boat?? We've talked about it, and he denies having any attraction towards men in the slightest. He is known for being closed off with his feelings, but I can't deal with this wall (whatever it is) for much longer. I need intimacy and love, and miss it very much. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for your help!
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Dont label him gay, please. He could be asexual or it could be a genetic defect, sometimes there are chemicals in our boides that stop us from having sexual thoughts or feelings. I'm a man. I read alot. So trust me when I say your not the problem. I love having sex too. I'm just finding it hard to find a woman to have sex with on a sex by sex basis. lmao;) No but really I have hard time trusting women, So I just have sex with them but keep my heart locked up, yeah it sucks but it keeps me from having my heart broken. Something really distrubed me by what you said that you like sex and you dont have enough with him. You devirginized him and he doesnt want it? Something is wrong. Can you tell me more about yourself. Race, height, weight, body size, which celebrity do you look like? Give me more info.
Author PositiveShine Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 I honestly just don't know what else to think, so please share any ideas you may have!! I'd love to work on this, but while he's extremely open about affection/love, when things get tough he closes himself off completely. He's kept a lot to himself throughout the years, and has admitted that it's tough for him to communicate with me on deeper levels. I am his "first love" (as far as saying the words), and it seems like this has always been the case since we first started dating. He literally is the perfect boyfriend in ever other sense of the word. My self-esteem is suffering and I'm worried I'll look to other men to boost my spirits (emotionally, not physically). I just want to be wanted by HIM. About myself: 25 yr old, college degree, blond/red curly hair, blue eyes, 119 lbs, 5'4". Love being one of the guys and meeting new people. Socially we're a perfect match, but deep down I'm scared that I'll always be physically left unsatisfied. I'm in this one for the long haul, but how do I portray my feelings w/out putting pressure on the situation and making it forced? Seems like sleep, movies, and other hobbies always come before physical intimacy here. He oftentimes makes light of a seductive situation (joking, etc), like he is uncomfortable. I just want raw passion, to feel the same need I feel for him. I think it's there, I just wish he'd let it out. Any advice would be great! Thanks so much. ***************** Dont label him gay, please. He could be asexual or it could be a genetic defect, sometimes there are chemicals in our boides that stop us from having sexual thoughts or feelings. I'm a man. I read alot. So trust me when I say your not the problem. I love having sex too. I'm just finding it hard to find a woman to have sex with on a sex by sex basis. lmao;) No but really I have hard time trusting women, So I just have sex with them but keep my heart locked up, yeah it sucks but it keeps me from having my heart broken. Something really distrubed me by what you said that you like sex and you dont have enough with him. You devirginized him and he doesnt want it? Something is wrong. Can you tell me more about yourself. Race, height, weight, body size, which celebrity do you look like? Give me more info.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I honestly just don't know what else to think, so please share any ideas you may have!! I'd love to work on this, but while he's extremely open about affection/love, when things get tough he closes himself off completely. He's kept a lot to himself throughout the years, and has admitted that it's tough for him to communicate with me on deeper levels. I am his "first love" (as far as saying the words), and it seems like this has always been the case since we first started dating. He literally is the perfect boyfriend in ever other sense of the word. My self-esteem is suffering and I'm worried I'll look to other men to boost my spirits (emotionally, not physically). I just want to be wanted by HIM. About myself: 25 yr old, college degree, blond/red curly hair, blue eyes, 119 lbs, 5'4". Love being one of the guys and meeting new people. Socially we're a perfect match, but deep down I'm scared that I'll always be physically left unsatisfied. I'm in this one for the long haul, but how do I portray my feelings w/out putting pressure on the situation and making it forced? Seems like sleep, movies, and other hobbies always come before physical intimacy here. He oftentimes makes light of a seductive situation (joking, etc), like he is uncomfortable. I just want raw passion, to feel the same need I feel for him. I think it's there, I just wish he'd let it out. Any advice would be great! Thanks so much. ***************** Maybe he's depressed or maybe he's afraid your gonna hurt him, you said he keeps things inside. It's understandable. I think you need to ask him about having passion for you, while you may be passionate about him is he the same way with you. Because I can tell you that when I'm passionate about a woman my heart starts beating faster, or my stomach warms or I catch a serious woody. lol. Something. I think you should just give him time. Keep loving him and dont stop with the sex. That's a good thing. You sound like a dime piece kinda short but if you got all of goods in the right places then it's all good.
ibitealil Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Hi, I am not an expert on such things cuz it never happened to me before but my bf once told me that after being with one girl for a very long time sex becomes boring if u do it the same way over and over again so that it doesnt turn him on or something. So what they need is some change and some interesting way to do it. U can change ur appearance a little bit,ur hair, ur make up, buy new lingerie, or new outfit, more initiation from ur side, role playing etc. Since ur bf had never had any other sexual partner before this could be the very case. Dont think talking is a good idea it ll pressure on him more. If a man is pressured it gets worse on him sexually. Action is needed. How old is he? It could also be the case that hes concentrating on his work and career more right now. That also happens. (my brother told me) In that case just be a good gf and wait patiently until things get cooled down. If u r worried about ur satisfaction u can buy those toys until the bad phase passes away ;-P
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Can you tell me more about yourself. Race, height, weight, body size, which celebrity do you look like? Give me more info. This is not relevant. He is in a relationship with her. And I'm sorry, Chrome, but I do believe he is gay.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I think you should just give him time. Keep loving him and dont stop with the sex. That's a good thing. You sound like a dime piece kinda short but if you got all of goods in the right places then it's all good. Umm, original poster, please don't listen to anything Chrome says. Your height and what you look like has nothing to do with it as all men have their own physical preferences and you are probably this guy's physical type if he wanted to be in a relationship with you and started dating you in the first place. I don't like that Chrome is being so superficial as to suggest that it might be your appearance turning this guy off. As far as the sex not going on...Chrome, hon, the problem is she WANTS to give him sex but her guy isn't into sex with her. You say "don't stop with the sex." Well...she's TRYING to give it to him but he isn't a sexual person...I really do think he's gay. This is a serious problem that "time" won't just heal if it's been going on for the entire two year relationship. You feel like something "big" (passion) is missing. You deserve to have the whole package in a guy, the whole enchilada, including passion and a satisfying sex life. Time to let this one go and let him explore his homosexual side. It will be difficult because it's what you're used to, but if you end up marrying this guy because you're "comfy" with the relationship, you will be miserable and be making a horrible mistake.
kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Hes not GAY! crying out loud! itxz very SIMPLE, he's not enjoying it, he doesnt know how to change it, and most importantly he wouldnt know how to change it for fear of making it worse! being a man your ment to already know about sex, and 'bang the granny' out of anything, not knowing what your doing and having no confidence to push yourself is not in a mans sexual ball park thats all it is, he's just frightened to do anything for fear of messing up. and now the pressure is building!! its like in friends when phobee meets the scienist and cant work out why he's not made moves on her! it turns out he's not sexually experinced and has this MASSIVE thing in his head about pleasing her!!! in my mind thats all it is
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Hes not GAY! crying out loud! itxz very SIMPLE, he's not enjoying it, he doesnt know how to change it, and most importantly he wouldnt know how to change it for fear of making it worse! being a man your ment to already know about sex, and 'bang the granny' out of anything, not knowing what your doing and having no confidence to push yourself is not in a mans sexual ball park thats all it is, he's just frightened to do anything for fear of messing up. and now the pressure is building!! its like in friends when phobee meets the scienist and cant work out why he's not made moves on her! it turns out he's not sexually experinced and has this MASSIVE thing in his head about pleasing her!!! in my mind thats all it is It's not all it is. They have been in a relationship for 2 years. If he's so scared and doesn't want to have sex, despite her trying, it's very possible he's gay or assexual. She said there is no passion in their relationship (from him) and that is a big red flag to me. Why do you men get so offended that he could be gay? I'm sorry but this is not a normal situation with a guy that doesn't want to have sex with his woman and "jokes" around about it.
Guest Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I am a man with a low sex drive. Once a month or twice a month at the most is plenty fine with me. The previous poster has a great point, and I can say it happened with me as well- sex just got boring and stale- the same thing every time with my ex. Add to it a lot of personal stress going on and my desire was almost nill for months on end. Some people are so quick to come out with the gay trump card. This notion that all men, or even most men, will never turn down sex if offered- or always have sex on their mind- or dont have times when their desire is low- is downright laughable. Do a google search on women complaining about their husbands/bf's non interest in sex.
kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 and why do you women so readily think because he doesnt want to BANG THE GRANNY out of you, he's GAY. they still do its though only once a week at best... so he cant be gay! otherwise HONEY! he wouldnt be able to even get turned on, because a GRANNY wouldnt turn him on. no different from me getting turned on about banging a dude! think about what ur saying.
kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 oh and one more VITAL fact T&J, chrome and myself are MEN, so we kinda have a better insight in to what bothers other man. or are out opinions worthless>?
socialight Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 just let him know you need it x times a week and if you don't get it from him you are going to get it somewhere else. Never be afraid to be completely blunt and clear with a man.
kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 oooo social thats a very good point also, blunt reaaaaaaalllly works with a man!
Art_Critic Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 They have sex once a week.. How in the fuqk does that spell Gay ?.. TJ..You have this one wrong...She has never said he has sex with men.. I think it is a combo of things.. he is inexperienced and he doesn't have the same sex drive as she does and then throw in the fact that 2 years have passed.. the relationship most likely needs a tuneup. In reality sex once a week isn't that abnormal.. maybe for soem but notr for others.. I know a few couple that don't have sex but maybe once a month if that and he or she isn't gay... It also sounds like they may very well be not sexually compatible..You have to match and have similar desires to be compatiable
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Sorry, kepners, he's either 1. gay or 2. assexual if he's been with her for 2 years and isn't passionate at all sexually and doesn't even seem to look forward to it. She deserves better, and if he ISN'T gay, which the original poster's instinct is leaning toward and her instincts are the one we should most trust in this situation, he should go for a woman who isn't interested in sex that much or really bad sex.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 They have sex once a week.. How in the fuqk does that spell Gay ?.. TJ..You have this one wrong...She has never said he has sex with men.. I think it is a combo of things.. he is inexperienced and he doesn't have the same sex drive as she does and then throw in the fact that 2 years have passed.. the relationship most likely needs a tuneup. In reality sex once a week isn't that abnormal.. maybe for soem but notr for others.. I know a few couple that don't have sex but maybe once a month if that and he or she isn't gay... It also sounds like they may very well be not sexually compatible..You have to match and have similar desires to be compatiable She stated the passion was never really there on his part and he never really wanted it, plus she's the one who suspects he's gay so she is the one in the relationship, she is the one whose instinct we have to trust. From what she has stated, he doesn't even want to do it once a week, and it's bad when it does happen, he's giving her very bad sex just to please her, not because he wants it. GAY. Also two years is plenty long enough to be good in the sack, it doesn't take near that long, after two years in a sexual relationship you are not "inexperienced" you are either "gay" or "asexual." If this were a guy posting that this problem with a woman not showing passion from the beginning, you would all be saying she is frigid and has sexual hangups and he needs to get out now. Interesting. lots of people are gay. I hope he can come to terms with that so he can live a happy life instead of fighting these urges.
Art_Critic Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 TJ.. Do you know what a gay guy is ?.. They have heterosexual sex once a week and he doesn't have sex with guys.. How is that gay ?
kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 T&J sorry not to have a go at you, but i havent heard so much utter TOSH written. Your clearily not a male, so therefore have a limited understand what its like when ur in these situations. gay gay gay... oh do behave... think about it! THEY HAVE SEX!!! S E X... its not any clearier than that. all i am seeing is it being all his problem, but isnt this whole relationship a two way street. i mean i know women can say and do things that are really intimidating when ur learning! crying out loud.. "GAY GAY GAY, and my proof is a bloke dont want to bang the granny out of her more than once a week... " FFS
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Here are the reasons I suspect he may be gay: 1. The OP stated that he never was interested in passion or sex from the beginning of the two-year relationship. 2. The OP stated that he is uncomfortable even talking about sex, and when she suggests sex, he turns it into a joke to avoid it, as if sex is a bad or abnormal thing in a relationship. 3. The OP stated her instincts are leading her to the belief that he could be gay, and that this is her strongest instinct of the problem. She is the person in the relationship, and you know, they say in a relationship...go with your instinct because it is usually right. In your gut, you know.
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 T&J sorry not to have a go at you, but i havent heard so much utter TOSH written. Your clearily not a male, so therefore have a limited understand what its like when ur in these situations. gay gay gay... oh do behave... think about it! THEY HAVE SEX!!! S E X... its not any clearier than that. all i am seeing is it being all his problem, but isnt this whole relationship a two way street. i mean i know women can say and do things that are really intimidating when ur learning! crying out loud.. "GAY GAY GAY, and my proof is a bloke dont want to bang the granny out of her more than once a week... " FFS DUDE...a LOT of gay guys get married and even have KIDS! There is a GOVERNOR'S WIFE here in the UNITED STATES who will ATTEST to THAT. NASTY CHILD CUSTODY BATTLE GOING on.
Art_Critic Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Here are the reasons I suspect he may be gay: 1. The OP stated that he never was interested in passion or sex from the beginning of the two-year relationship. 2. The OP stated that he is uncomfortable even talking about sex, and when she suggests sex, he turns it into a joke to avoid it, as if sex is a bad or abnormal thing in a relationship. 3. The OP stated her instincts are leading her to the belief that he could be gay, and that this is her strongest instinct of the problem. She is the person in the relationship, and you know, they say in a relationship...go with your instinct because it is usually right. In your gut, you know. You need to reread the original thread.. The OP mentions gay.. She never says her instincts are leading to him being gay..and she also never says it was her strongest instinct.. and your first 2 points in this post are also points in heterosexual relationships.. I have dated women that I didn't feel it from the beginning.. I was really liking the girl but thought the desire would come..it never did.. I'm not gay... Being uncomfortable talking about sex doesn't make someone gay.. if it did then most people would be gay. and the biggest thing is that they are having sex once a week..How is that gay ? Have you ever had a gay BF before ? I'm starting to think that you are stereotyping gays .. If the amount of sex you have with your partner decides if you are gay then what does that say ? Every one that doesn't have sex with the opposite sex every day is gay ?
kepners Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 typical dont let the fact get in teh way of a good story. you have my opinion based on the facts. and being a bloke i understand these facts to be legitamate reasons for becoming scared of having sex. not gay gay gay because he wont bash the granny out of her... you know one person whos gay whos done this! and you actually dont know him! where as how many actual gay people do you know that have 2year relationships with women!! AND HAVE SEX!!! and actually get WOOD!! i have a few gay mates, and none of them get wood at the thought of a granny!!! let alone bangins one! this is utter tosh your point. u have my opinon and i aint replying because we are going round in circles, your ingoring facts.
Art_Critic Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 DUDE...a LOT of gay guys get married and even have KIDS! There is a GOVERNOR'S WIFE here in the UNITED STATES who will ATTEST to THAT. NASTY CHILD CUSTODY BATTLE GOING on. Why shout ?
Teddy and Jane Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 There are tons of sad stories of women married to gay guys, who don't find out they're gay until years of marriage and after the kids. So it is possible for a gay guy to get 'wood' for a woman if he wants to. A lot of gay guys want to ignore the possibility they are gay so life is easier, so they get involved with women as beards. For some reason this possibility is really offensive to your manhood, but you all know...he could very possibly be gay. I don't know why y'all are ruling out this very real possibility.
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