Sapphira Posted January 13, 2003 Posted January 13, 2003 I have been dating my current boyfriend for 10 months and cohabitating with him for 5. We both feel that we're soulmates and have talked seriously about marriage and starting a family with one another. One catch - he has two children and an ex (the mother) that is still hung up on him. They both have joint custody of the children. My problem is that my boyfriend still drops and picks up the children at the ex's home (the place where my boyfriend lived for 4 years... with her). I have asked him numerous times to choose a neutral location to meet her but he tells me that "it's more convenient to pick them up at her house" and "most oftentimes she's never there." Now, I trust my bf and know that he would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I am wondering whether my request is normal? I don't have children of my own nor do I have any experience in regards to single parenting. However, I feel that if he truly wants to start a life with me, that he would do anything necessary to make me feel secure and happy. Am I wrong to even request this? Is it common for single mothers/fathers to pick up their children at their ex's locale? Thanks everyone! Sapphira
midori Posted January 13, 2003 Posted January 13, 2003 I can understand how even casual contact with his ex might make you uneasy, especially since you apparently have reason to believe that she wants him back. Does he agree with that assessment? If he's aware of it and you trust him, there shouldn't be a problem. If you haven't shared your suspicions with him, you should. Then he would understand why you're uneasy about his ex, and he would be alert for manipulation from her. But I don't think you're right to ask that he negotiate some "neutral" territory for picking up & dropping off the kids. For one thing, it would probably be terribly inconvenient. For him and for her. And weird for the kids. It's not easy to be a single parent, and no matter how you feel about her, your misgivings shouldn't be allowed to complicate her schedule. And you shouldn't try to make things more difficult for the kids. You really don't have the right to do that. Moreover, if you're worried about your bf being in contact with his ex, having to meet in a "neutral" location would virtually guarantee that they must see each other & speak. If the kids are old enough to leave the house by themselves, they can come out to their dad's car and/or get out of it and let themselves into their own house without anyone's assistance. So in that way you'd be actually creating a worse situation than the one you're trying to avoid. Part of the deal with getting involved with a person who has children is the fact that they will always have a connection to their former partner. If you can't accept that, you shouldn't be in the relationship. Asking your bf to bend over backwards and make what might already be a strained and awkward situation even worse for his kids is really not cool. We can't ask our partners to erase their pasts, nor should we want to. No matter what was between them once, and no matter how much they both love their children and want to maintain a good relationship for the kids' sake, your bf isn't with his ex now. He has chosen to be with you. If you can't be comfortable with that then maybe you should be asking whether this is the right relationship for you. Obviously I don't know your bf, but if you push him too much, demand that he compromise his relationship with his kids and their mother, you may not like the choice he makes.
Just A Girl2 Posted January 13, 2003 Posted January 13, 2003 Hi there, First of all, just curious..what leads you to believe that his ex is "still hung up on him"? Just a suspicion or has she actually done things to give that impression? If so, what?? Just out of curiosity, who was the one who ended their marriage and why? (do you know?) Is he legally divorced or 'just separated'? How long after he divorced her/they split up, did you and he start dating? I sense that perhaps you're even slightly concerned that maybe he still has some feelings for her? I say this because if you were totally confident that he didn't, even if she IS hung up on him, you would feel assured that you have nothing to worry about, hey? I've dated 3 guys who had kids from a previous marriage. I don't have kids myself. I can understand how you feel...I TOO felt uncomfortable when they would go to the ex's house to pick up the kids....particularly if they would go into the house and be in there for a while, while the kids were getting ready to leave with them. I always felt better if they kids would just be waiting at the door and they'd come out to the car when he pulled up. I know in one of these past relationships of mine, my guy's (at the time) ex DID still have feelings for him, based on her manipulation and games and things he'd tell me, and yeah, I did feel concerned about this...........wondering if maybe he had similar feelings, after all, they had a history together, including children. Overall, I found the whole scenario tough.......the constant contact with the ex, having to listen to the kids talk about "Mom said this, Mom did that"......I ended up deciding that I'd never date a guy with kids again.......that's just my personal choice. And again, in all of these situations, my guys WOULD pick up their kids at the ex's house. Picking them up at a neutral location wouldn't be helpful cuz like said above, that would likely necessitate their ex having to take the kids TO THAT NEUTRAL location, which doesn't solve the problem..as there's still contact there. Curious though....you said your b/f stated that his ex is often not home when he picks up the kids. What ages are the kids? Old enough to be at home alone? I ask because if they're younger kids (say, 11 or younger), I'd wonder why they'd be home alone without a parent there. In other words, if they are younger, just wondering if your b/f is telling you the truth about their Mom sometimes not even being there when he picks them up. How long have they been divorced/apart? (can't remember if I asked this already lol) Do you have any reason at all to suspect that your guy might still have feelings for his ex? Is that were some of this concern comes from? Just out of curiosity, how do you find things, with living with a guy who's kids are obviously in your home for part of the time? Has that been quite an adjustment for you? Does it ever get on your nerves? Are the kids well behaved? I found in 2 of the 3 cases where I dated/lived with guys who had joint custody of their kids (and they were with us half the time), it was tough a lot of the time.......kids were often bratty and spoiled and poorly disciplined, and my guy (at the time) would often let them get away with a lot, probably due to some leftover 'guilt' from the family being broken up. I often found, too, that there was such a large distinction between where I stood on the totem pole, and the kids....meaning: yes, I know a parent will put their kids before anyone else, but in my case, it was abundantly clear that I was second place......I often felt like an 'outsider trying to fit into an already existing family'......and I often felt like I had to compete with the memories, etc. You finding any of this, too? If you have any thoughts about marriage, PLEASE, for your own sake, make sure that if you have any feelings like the above (that I did), that you work through them and sort them out and deal with them long before you marry......because marriage will not make things better.
HokeyReligions Posted January 13, 2003 Posted January 13, 2003 Originally posted by Sapphira However, I feel that if he truly wants to start a life with me, that he would do anything necessary to make me feel secure and happy. Am I wrong to even request this? Is it common for single mothers/fathers to pick up their children at their ex's locale? This is how I see it. The children should always come first. That should not even be up for debate and putting his children first has (or should have) nothing at all to do with him making you feel secure and happy. I personally would not want to be with a man who put me, or anyone, before his children. Trying to see it from a man's point of view, I wouldn't want a partner who didn't know I loved them unless I bent over backwards - including putting the partner before my kids. I would feel that partner was too insecure and demanding and selfish and I would back away from that relationship. Why don't you try and schedule your time to go with him when he picks up the kids?
yani Posted February 10, 2003 Posted February 10, 2003 I don't see anything wrong with him droping his children off at home. I am a single parent of a two year old and my son's father often comes to my home to spend time with our son and it is all very innocent. They have to do what is least traumatizing for the kids. Also you said that his ex still wants him I warn you to be careful feeding into this especially if he's saying it. My son's father tried to run the same game between me and his girlfriend to calm down her insecurities and make her think that I was so after him but he wanted nothing to do with me. When in reality I had suggested other meeting alternatives for him and his son. Not to mention all the advances he had made to try to get me back. If this bothers you and it really is innocent then you may just be insecure and need to deal with that. You knew coming into the relationship that he was a package deal which includes some type of relationship with the mother of his children for the kids sake. I'm sorry but it pisses me off when the new girlfriends expect for the children's mother and father not to get along or not to have contact. Them two are bonded for many years to come.
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