I just feel so worried

[Confused0872]

I posted yesterday about my husband going ballistic on me because he called me an ex's name during sex. He was asleep when he did it, but it still hurt. Anyway, he flew off the handle when i told him about it and then went on to say that i accuse him for everything etc etc. You can find my other post regarding it below.

 

We did finally talk earlier, if thats what u wanna call it. He says i dont trust him and its driving him crazy. We have had some issues in the past with trust. He has upped and left out of the blue over the course of our relationship twice. To my knowledge, he has never actually cheated, but i do know in the past he tried to cheat. It didnt pan out. Anyway we got back together awhile back and just got married 6 weeks ago. Its what he wanted. Not that i didnt, but in the past whenever marriage would come up we would talk about it, but that would be it. He just never seemed like it interested him that much.

 

Anyway, during our talk today he blew up again and was like im done, im thru with this im filing for a divorce. I kept trying to talk to him but it just made him more mad. Finally he did talk. He said he didnt really want a divorce that he did love me its just that he gets so aggravated. So ur thinking ok he said that stuff out of anger and frustration...makes sense. But since our talk i dunno he has just moped around, has yet to touch me at all since that blow up yesterday, hasnt said i love you which is something we say to one another often. I feel so damn needy right now. The vibes im picking up from him just dont feel right. It could be me i suppose and the fact that im feeling really insecure, but i feel that even tho we talked, it still didnt get resolved..for him. I DO have trust issues, i realize that. But i dont sit and accuse him on a daily basis or anything like that. The way he makes it sound is as if i do nothing but accuse him constantly. He said he felt like he had a leash around his neck just because i ask where he is going when he gets ready to leave. Im not doing that because i dont trust him, he says i will be back in a bit and i say where are u going. Am i not allowed to ask that when he leaves???? I ask anyone that question. I dont say it in an accusing way..NOTHING like that. Anyway, i made a call today to set up an appt with a counselor. I cant take this feeling insecure anymore and needy. I dont feel that way all the time, just when im stressed out, and i have been pretty stressed lately. I hate the fact he is walking around here like he is depressed and unhappy. I havent seen this side of him in a LONG time. The nite BEFORE this all happened he was loving me and this and that and then BOOM he is acting like this. For the past six months up until the other nite, ive been the happiest ive been in very VERY long time and he has been so loving and wonderful and just awesome.

 

The counselor wont be able to see me until about a month..which bites. I told him that i made an appt with one to deal trust issues because i dont want my marriage to end over something like that and he made this look like he felt sorry for me..but i could have misread that and then he says well are u going to talk about other issues too like from ur childhood..that could be what is causing u not to trust. I said yes..but honestly the reason i have these issues in the first place is because of the things he has done in the past. I dunno i almost feel as tho im taking the blame for everything here and he is not taking blame for anything at all..he did have a part in the fact that i dont trust him easily.

 

Sorry for such a long post..i guess im just venting here. I hate feeling this way.

[sumdude]

Well it sounds to me like you need to drop back a bit and give him some space. Take care of youself and think of your own needs. He has assumed all the power in your relationship with the leaving threats and previous behavior. Become a bit a challenge to him. Play hard to get instead of needy but you have to maintain that feeling. It's a weird reverse psychology that often works. People work harder to keep things that might get away. If you're totally conquered then you stop being interesting. Take all the pressure off the relationship and take control of your life.

 

Consider the fact that maybe you might want to be the one leaving with the way he treats you at times. Not that you should leave but think about having that power. He's not the only man on the planet you know.

 

Find another councilor who is available ASAP, go alone if he won't go and don't make a fuss over it

 

Don't accuse

Don't ask how he feels about you

Don't pry or snoop

If he's cold and distant, you be distant too

Act happy with yourself

Don't argue or try to reason with him

Find some hobbies or outside interest that can't be misconstrued with an affair

Remember you don't actually NEED him but prefer to be with him

Find a way through your actions to convey your independence and the fact that he could lose you

[Confused0872]

You are absolutely right. Maybe thats what i needed to see was someone to just put that out there. It makes so much sense. Today has been a much better day, i hope it continues. I do ask him a lot about his feelings for me, i never really even thought about that until i read your post and i guess maybe that goes in along with trusting him. The woman he fell in love with was a strong, very independent person...i still am but when it comes to our relationship, i feel im the opposite. Unfortunately, i cant bump the appt to the counselor up any sooner. At the moment, im not covered under any medical insurance so i dont have a lot of choices as far as counselors go...money is tight right now so i have to see one that offers a sliding scale. I will have med insurance soon tho thru my new job...just not until after 90 days. He told me he had to work Tuesday nite..usually he works days. I cringed and i felt those thoughts creeping in...thinking to myself omg he is going to go meet someone else because we got into an argument etc etc. I dont DARE voice that, but thats how my mind works sometimes. I pushed that thought completely out of my head. Letting go of the past is very hard...i thought i had, im slowly realizing, i havent.

[sumdude]

You get the idea I think. Find that independant woman in you again. Look, there is some possibility he is seeing someone else. That can destroy your self esteem IF YOU LET IT. Remember, it his weakness if that is the case not yours. He wouldn't be doing because there's something wrong with you but because he is weak. Ask yourself honestly if you would want to still fight to keep the marriage if that is the case. Resolve to yourself that you're going to be Ok whatever happens and take control of your life. Become a bit detached from the relationship and THINK with your head about your life and your options.

 

I wish I could find the post but there's list of divorce busters around somewhere. Things to do or not to do if your think you're marriage is on the brink. Take this time to work on yourself and either he will slowly adjust to your actions or not. He fell for that independant woman you were who is buried under some life junk right now. Find that person again and either he'll take notice and come along for the ride or you'll find out you're not getting what you want and deserve. But be very patient. When you find you are obsessing on what's going on find something to keep youself busy and try meditation too. Go exercise if you don't have a workout routine already. It's great for the mind and body.

 

I went through a similar situation. In my case the changes for self improvement came too late to save the marriage ... but that doesn't have to happen to you. Whatever happens you will be better prepared for your life.

[whichwayisup]

You got some good advice...

 

I'll add this -

The vibes im picking up from him just dont feel right.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

 

It isn't you, it's him.

 

Better yourself, make yourself stronger and I think, in time, when you're ready to really 'see' what is going on, you'll be able to decide what is right for you.

[Confused0872]

Whichwayisup...yep ur right too. He started kissing on me again and being touchy feely with me again...it amazes me at how much i need those kinds of things. He and i are very opposite on things like that..im an emotional person, he is not. I think with my heart, he thinks with his head. See thats a big reason why i want to go talk with someone...it seems as tho when i get into a relationship, i make that person "everything" and when they go or something happens, i feel as if ive lost my entire world. A person shouldnt be that way. Logically i know that, but for me its hard to see that. Im certain i know where that comes from..i had a very abusive father as a child and i was always trying to gain his approval, his attention, his love. I never got it other than being mentally/physically/sexually abused. So i think with the men in my life, i basically try to do the same with them. It doesnt help matters that i had an ex husband that cheated on me all the time and was also abusive. If he hadnt of left me, i wonder sometimes if i would still be in that relationship. Its like i have to find a balance of some sort..be loving and express my love to him but not be overly loving to the point of smothering him. UGH thats hard for me. Yuck reading thru all my posts i think i have several different issues with me. That blows. I can raise my kids all by myself, maintain my own home for over six years, pay all my own bills, put myself thru college at the same time yet become a complete wuss when it comes to men. How lame is that!!?? But im FINALLY starting to see my issues after all this time.

 

Sumdude..i dont think there is anyone else on the side, but that is always in the back of my head. No matter what man im with, i always keep that in the back of my head. Ive stated over and over that i dont go around accusing him on a daily basis of things, but maybe the way i say things or the looks i give or other cues from me is what is giving off that i dont trust him.

 

Wow its not a cool thing to realize ur more messed up in the head than u thought u were. But i guess better late than never. Yeah, i definitely cant wait to see that counselor now.

 

Thanks so much for your insight guys, its really, REALLY helping me see a lot more things clearly than i had before.

[sumdude]

Sumdude..i dont think there is anyone else on the side, but that is always in the back of my head. No matter what man im with, i always keep that in the back of my head. Ive stated over and over that i dont go around accusing him on a daily basis of things, but maybe the way i say things or the looks i give or other cues from me is what is giving off that i dont trust him.

 

Wow its not a cool thing to realize ur more messed up in the head than u thought u were. But i guess better late than never. Yeah, i definitely cant wait to see that counselor now.

 

Thanks so much for your insight guys, its really, REALLY helping me see a lot more things clearly than i had before.

 

I know where you're coming from... That general lack of trust deep down. Feeling that the person closest to you is bound to hurt you. Because that is what we learned as children didn't we? So somehow we end up with self fulfilling prophesies. Our actions with the mistrust can often lead to reactions by the other that are EXACTLY what we were afraid of in the first place. Sometimes we end up marrying someone pretty similar to the people who hurt us growing up. Thinking we can get from them what we didn't get from the other. I know it happened to me, at some point I became so afraid my wife would cheat or leave me that I pushed her away without even knowing it. Plus her issues with past abuse and abandonment really fed into the whole thing. And damn if she didn't up and leave me... Our combined insecurites killed the relationship.

 

You're not as messed up as you think ... just human. Give yourself a break. Start monitoring your reactions to things... Go .. well why did I do that? Put in a mental timer before you react to something ... count to 50 or something.

[Teeky3]

First let me say this....no one can be held responsible for anything that is said in their sleep. That is not fair and should not be held against anyone. If he called another woman's name....who knows...maybe he was dreaming of how much he really disliked her or that he was pushing her from a bridge or backing his car over her a few times. I dunno..who knows? That was mean...but you get my point. I know it hurts...but we all talk in our sleep...it's just a matter of if anyone is around us to hear it.

 

Also, I sense some fear that you may have toward your husband. Does he demonstrate violatile behavior toward you? Is he making you feel as if you're to blame for HIS issues? It takes two people to be in a relationship and he may be getting from you the residual affects of what HE has caused. I've learned never to give more than you are willing to lose in a realtionship and it concerns me that after 6 weeks of marriage he can easily say, he's outta there? Did he take you for better or for worse or just for better?

 

Another thing...don't take responsibility for HIS gunk! That is his junk and it sounds like he did not acquire it overnight. Other than you loving him..why else did you get married? There seemd to be from your message reservations on your part. It just does not seem like neither one of you were emotionally ready to handle this kind of committment.

 

I think counseling is the best option here. As Dr. Phil says, "nothing is worse than being unhappily married for 6 weeks than 6 weeks and 1 day." You are young....try to work it out....trust him (until he gives you a reason not to trust) and ask from him what he expects of you. What is good for the goose is good for the gandor.

 

Do not make him your life. Keep your friends and family close by and have options for doing things too. Last and most important thing..you guys are just starting off....TEACH HIM HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED NOW.

 

I posted yesterday about my husband going ballistic on me because he called me an ex's name during sex. He was asleep when he did it, but it still hurt. Anyway, he flew off the handle when i told him about it and then went on to say that i accuse him for everything etc etc. You can find my other post regarding it below.

 

We did finally talk earlier, if thats what u wanna call it. He says i dont trust him and its driving him crazy. We have had some issues in the past with trust. He has upped and left out of the blue over the course of our relationship twice. To my knowledge, he has never actually cheated, but i do know in the past he tried to cheat. It didnt pan out. Anyway we got back together awhile back and just got married 6 weeks ago. Its what he wanted. Not that i didnt, but in the past whenever marriage would come up we would talk about it, but that would be it. He just never seemed like it interested him that much.

 

Anyway, during our talk today he blew up again and was like im done, im thru with this im filing for a divorce. I kept trying to talk to him but it just made him more mad. Finally he did talk. He said he didnt really want a divorce that he did love me its just that he gets so aggravated. So ur thinking ok he said that stuff out of anger and frustration...makes sense. But since our talk i dunno he has just moped around, has yet to touch me at all since that blow up yesterday, hasnt said i love you which is something we say to one another often. I feel so damn needy right now. The vibes im picking up from him just dont feel right. It could be me i suppose and the fact that im feeling really insecure, but i feel that even tho we talked, it still didnt get resolved..for him. I DO have trust issues, i realize that. But i dont sit and accuse him on a daily basis or anything like that. The way he makes it sound is as if i do nothing but accuse him constantly. He said he felt like he had a leash around his neck just because i ask where he is going when he gets ready to leave. Im not doing that because i dont trust him, he says i will be back in a bit and i say where are u going. Am i not allowed to ask that when he leaves???? I ask anyone that question. I dont say it in an accusing way..NOTHING like that. Anyway, i made a call today to set up an appt with a counselor. I cant take this feeling insecure anymore and needy. I dont feel that way all the time, just when im stressed out, and i have been pretty stressed lately. I hate the fact he is walking around here like he is depressed and unhappy. I havent seen this side of him in a LONG time. The nite BEFORE this all happened he was loving me and this and that and then BOOM he is acting like this. For the past six months up until the other nite, ive been the happiest ive been in very VERY long time and he has been so loving and wonderful and just awesome.

 

The counselor wont be able to see me until about a month..which bites. I told him that i made an appt with one to deal trust issues because i dont want my marriage to end over something like that and he made this look like he felt sorry for me..but i could have misread that and then he says well are u going to talk about other issues too like from ur childhood..that could be what is causing u not to trust. I said yes..but honestly the reason i have these issues in the first place is because of the things he has done in the past. I dunno i almost feel as tho im taking the blame for everything here and he is not taking blame for anything at all..he did have a part in the fact that i dont trust him easily.

 

Sorry for such a long post..i guess im just venting here. I hate feeling this way.

[Confused0872]

Those were really great posts! They made me feel better.

 

Teeky you are correct when u say i shouldnt hold him responsible for what he said while asleep. He did say other things that nite as well (before he touched me) and i suppose it could have been a whole diff scenario than what i made it out to be. He also told me the exact same thing u did. I just wish it wasnt at THAT time when he said it. And yeah i have to admit that he does sometimes turn things around and blame me...usually if he is in the wrong about something. He isnt abusive to me, but i know how to push his buttons without realizing im doing it.

 

Yes i was scared to get married. Because I kept thinkin in the back of my mind is this really what he wants. There were times in our past where he had left me and i never saw it coming. One day i come home from work and he was packed and gone..of course that was a long time ago, but i didnt forget. Another time he just laid it on me that he was done .. neither time i saw it coming. He said "i love you" right up til the day he left. With him its strange, he can show you he loves you then a couple days later leave. So yeah, that crossed my mind alot. And we talked in GREAT detail about that before we got married and he swore, promised, you name it that he would NEVER do that again, that i was what he wanted and he would do anything and everything to keep me with him and keep me happy. It makes me mad that he would blurt those things out after he promised me he would never do that to me again. Kinda throws me right back to square one with the trust and explains a lot as to why im feeling the way i feel.

 

Do i see this lasting forever...sad to say..no. That hurts but a part of me inside doesnt think this marriage is going to last. Thats the first time ive ever put that into words. I think ive probably thought that from day 1 of this entire relationship. We get along, we talk, we have a lot in common, share some of the same interests....but he isnt emotional and i am...i think that poses more of a problem than i was willing to admit.

[Teeky3]

Confused0872, reading this from you made me sad. If you were born in 0872, then you are still so young enough to find your happiness. In fact, it is never too late. It sounds like you already know deep inside that your husband is not really mature enough to be married. He has not learned to honor his committment to you. I do believe that he loves you, but it's not enough and it's not a healthy kind of love. He equally knows how to push your bottons (threatens to leave and play the blame game). Let me just tell you that Life is hard enough. You don't need to accept people into your life who can't contribute. If they take from you (mentionally, emotionally and spiritually) it's time to put them out for trash day. Husbands are no different. I don't feel bad in saying this because you had reservations early on. Always follow your gut and instinct..it's usually on the money. We could write all day long about his mood, how he treats you and how he makes you feel but at this point, it's probably best if you decide whether to stick and stay (if it's worth it) or make some other move. Remember that no matter what you decide, it's going to require new muscle and engery. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Make YOU first (whatever that means to you) and don't let anyone crush your spirit or tear it down. I think you already have the answers and know what you want to do. It will come down to, how much more are you willing to take.

 

Good Luck...and get strong.

Those were really great posts! They made me feel better.

 

Teeky you are correct when u say i shouldnt hold him responsible for what he said while asleep. He did say other things that nite as well (before he touched me) and i suppose it could have been a whole diff scenario than what i made it out to be. He also told me the exact same thing u did. I just wish it wasnt at THAT time when he said it. And yeah i have to admit that he does sometimes turn things around and blame me...usually if he is in the wrong about something. He isnt abusive to me, but i know how to push his buttons without realizing im doing it.

 

Yes i was scared to get married. Because I kept thinkin in the back of my mind is this really what he wants. There were times in our past where he had left me and i never saw it coming. One day i come home from work and he was packed and gone..of course that was a long time ago, but i didnt forget. Another time he just laid it on me that he was done .. neither time i saw it coming. He said "i love you" right up til the day he left. With him its strange, he can show you he loves you then a couple days later leave. So yeah, that crossed my mind alot. And we talked in GREAT detail about that before we got married and he swore, promised, you name it that he would NEVER do that again, that i was what he wanted and he would do anything and everything to keep me with him and keep me happy. It makes me mad that he would blurt those things out after he promised me he would never do that to me again. Kinda throws me right back to square one with the trust and explains a lot as to why im feeling the way i feel.

 

Do i see this lasting forever...sad to say..no. That hurts but a part of me inside doesnt think this marriage is going to last. Thats the first time ive ever put that into words. I think ive probably thought that from day 1 of this entire relationship. We get along, we talk, we have a lot in common, share some of the same interests....but he isnt emotional and i am...i think that poses more of a problem than i was willing to admit.

[Confused0872]

And getting strong is exactly what i intend on doing. Ive made a promise to myself that no more of this making someone my everything. No more. Im simply just done with that. And no more of worrying about what he is thinking or doing or any of it. Its just not worth all the emotional turmoil. Yes i was born in 72...im 34. And i do agree with you that he does love me, but as someone mentioned earlier he has his own issues as well and his childhood was terrible (raised himself from the time he was 13, never had a father around or a mother either, battled drug addiction). I live so much for the future that i keep forgetting to live for the present day. I have to keep in my head that no one knows what the future holds and thats something that i cant control...not that im a controlling person, but i think i do have my moments with that. I honestly cant wait to see this counselor and get the help i really need. Your posts and sumdude's posts have just put things into perspective for me that i can actually see things i couldnt before. Amazing what an outsiders opinion can do. I hope i havent painted him out to be some monster, he isnt. Its not all him and its not all me...its both of us. Maybe when i go to counseling and he sees a difference it will prompt him to go as well, and if not, then so be it. I intend on making ME a better person for ME...no one else! WOW i feel so confident today and things seem so clear. How stupid i feel that i couldnt make these revelations on my own and by simply posting on a relationship forum has changed how ive been looking at a lot of things. I will definately keep coming here...you guys are awesome!!!! :love:

[hurting_in_nw]

Good for you fellow Leo! Stay strong:D (I'm an 0874 BTW).

[Teeky3]

Let me tell you this....we all need advice, assistance, a supoort group, friends, family and people who lift us up. Technology is a beautiful thing..who would have ever known that we could reach out to strangers for support? Never feel stupid, ashamed or bad for being human...cause that is exactly what you are. The one thing I admire most about you is that you are not really confused at all. You have strength, determination and a good and healthy mind; however, life has a way of throwing in some curve balls that we don't anticipate, can't duck or not able to catch in time. The good news is that you seem to learn quickly and want to do something about it instead of staying down and letting this consume you. You are one STRONG woman and you are on the right track to stable and emotional health. I am 10 years your senior (44) and I wish I had the courage to tell people what I was going through when I was 34. I was a coward and tried to figure things out on my own. I stayed in my own head and made it worse in many cases. Had I had the courage that you have, my road would have been a little less bumpy. So my friend, stay on this road and reach out to us anytime you need to. Trust me when I tell you, we all need words of encouragement and I already know that your counseling sessions will be extremely successful for you. Believe it or not...by writing to you, it helps us ALL out in our own way and lets us all know that we are not all alone.

 

We are here for you!!!!:rolleyes:

 

p.s. do somethng for you today..whether you are a mother or not (Mother's Day) but do something special for just you. You are SO WORTH IT!

 

And getting strong is exactly what i intend on doing. How stupid i feel that i couldnt make these revelations on my own and by simply posting on a relationship forum has changed how ive been looking at a lot of things. I will definately keep coming here...you guys are awesome!!!! :love:

[Confused0872]

Good for you fellow Leo! Stay strong:D (I'm an 0874 BTW).

 

As a Leo you would think thats the one thing I could do well. hehe

 

 

We are here for you!!!!:rolleyes:

 

 

Thank you soo much! :love: I can completely relate to you tho about staying in your head..i do that often...too often.

 

Yes, I am a mother and today i plan on spending all day playing with the kids (its my excuse to act like a big kid hehe). They get under my skin sometimes (i think all kids do at some point ), but if it wasnt for them, lord only knows where id be.

[Teeky3]

How's it going Confused0872? Are things getting any better for you?