Cliche Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Brief recap: I've been with MM for 9 months now. I tried to break up with him about a month ago, but we got back together. He insists he is ending his marriage in June. So I'm waiting... But I am still such an emotional mess. I have my "I'm fine and can hang in there for a few weeks" days, and then I have my "I'm going to jump off a bridge" (no, not literally ) days. Actually, today is in between. And I found that it is me looking for these clues in everything little thing he says and does to find out if he is sincere or not that determines what type of day I have. How do I know? I mean, there are some things he has done that are completely typical of every story on here...he lied about the "separation," says they have separate beds/lives (though, really, at this point with the amount of time we spend together, I'm starting to believe that), he's been madly in love me with (he says and I do believe) but still it hasn't been enough to get him to leave for 9 months. But then there are things that he does that are completely atypical for most of the stories here. He has never once even insinuated that his marriage wasn't over and, honestly, he's been pretty consistent about the date (but I've been trying to hasten it), he has changed...a lot...of his behaviors. We started out with me feeling like a secret and with all those secret behaviors...cell phone off, leaving my house at 4 a.m., talking in code, yadda yadda. But as the months have gone on, I've had fits over this and he has changed every.single.thing. His cell phone is always on and he answers it when he's at home (though sometimes by his "business voice," I can tell when she's near), he has involved me with his life with his friends and I've now met 90% of his close relatives (and have even developed a close friendship relationship with a relative who is temporarily staying with him and her), he stays over night without plans to, doesn't give me a hard time anymore about weekend trips away, and, as of about March, stopped saying no to me about anything I ask him to do with his time. He tells me he told her he is leaving soon and she is talking about moving out of state back to her family. He swears up and down and sideways that I should stop worrying and that we'll be living together in just a few weeks. He insists he just needs to tie up some loose (mostly financial) ends and get some important business stuff out of his house. He has nearly begged me to relax and trust him. I swear when I'm with him, I believe him 100%. It is only when I'm not with him and recognize that, truthfully, it could be as easy as him just filing tomorrow that I begin to doubt. He told me he'd leave in June and I gave him an iron-clad date at the end of June. I later told him I didn't mean to make a unilateral decision, and said that I need to know a specific date for my sanity so I know I can end this pain one way or another, but I said we could discuss a later date if he needed. He refused and said he was not going to change the date of leaving later. He even said to me last night that he needs to speed some things up because he knows I'm going to start to get freaky already at the beginning of June (jokingly, but he's right). But then he'll say **** like "I need to buy a different car before I move," and I freak out because I know he doesn't have the time/money to do that. Then again, when I freak, he just says, again, that I should not worry and nothing about the date has changed, no matter what. How do I know? Maybe I should just relax. It's only a few more weeks, right? But, ugh, this uncertainty and fear is damn near driving me mad. I know I'll be ready for action in June need be, but until then, I hate this state I'm living in. I just wish I could be secure enough in this relationship to know if he's really one that is for real. How do I know? Sorry about my rambling and thanks for listening.
quankanne Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 maybe the best thing is to take action and act as if he isn't in your life anymore so that when D-Day comes and he's not ready to commit to you, you've already steeled yourself for that. Because until you start living life on YOUR terms, you're going to be miserable second-guessing his every action, and no one should live like that ...
greeneyes78 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I say that you should just trust him. He already exudes much more than 90% of the MMs do (at least based on stories on LS). It's too early to be freaking out. I'd give him until June, which is the timeline that you shared with him, before you start jumping into any conclusions. There's always a common denomianator when it comes to MMs in an affair... it doesn't mean that all are scumbags and cake eaters.
IpAncA Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Personally I'd break up with him and tell him when he divorces his W, come see you. I've heard to many MM say their going to do it but NEVER do.
greengoddess Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Does his wife know about you? I hope so because if not she is going to feel doubly duped that you formed a friendship with a relative living with her. I hope he's telling the truth and I hope the wife feels it's over too if not and he laves you are in for a really rough time when she finds out about you and that his friends and relatives knew. That just sounds so wrong. Do you act like gf and bf or lovers in front of these people or do they think you are just a friend?
GreenEyedLady Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 I think that you should just stop worrying for now...anxiety isn't going to help you... We can never know whether people are sincere or not...What matters is do you KNOW that he loves you? There are no guarantees in life...just like you're worried if he'll actually leave, he's worried that it won't work out between the two of you...worry is on both sides...it stresses the R out...try and find some peace... June is almost here...You'll have your answer soon enough...
Guest Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Wow, your story is so like mine. I have been with MM already 3 years. 7 times we had a date and 7 times when the date came, he came over and cried because he felt guilt towards his child. & times he has asked for more time. I understand your anziety. I have it everyday. June is our next date too. I am currently in Therapy and on meds so THIS time I will be able to walk away. Good Luck to you....
corey.the.star Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 There's really no way you can know for 100% certain. I recommend listening to your gut - it's always right.
Author Cliche Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 I think that you should just stop worrying for now...anxiety isn't going to help you... We can never know whether people are sincere or not...What matters is do you KNOW that he loves you? I suppose it is possible I am naive, but I have never doubted that he loves me. And like I said, he shows it by changing his behavior everytime I voice my displeasure over it. Thanks. You're right. It's not too long. I should just relax. If I need to take action in several weeks, I'll steel myself to be ready. But what is the constant anxiety until then going to do about it, right?
Author Cliche Posted May 13, 2007 Author Posted May 13, 2007 Does his wife know about you? I hope so because if not she is going to feel doubly duped that you formed a friendship with a relative living with her. I hope he's telling the truth and I hope the wife feels it's over too if not and he laves you are in for a really rough time when she finds out about you and that his friends and relatives knew. That just sounds so wrong. Do you act like gf and bf or lovers in front of these people or do they think you are just a friend? We act very much like bf and gf. His mom refers to me as a member of the family. I obviously cannot know what the sitch with the wife is other than what MM tells me (and his friends/family confirm), but I am told that they have completely separate lives and have for years...that they do nothing together, live in separate rooms, have separate friends, separate finances, separate goals, etc. According to MM, his wife would be upset about me, if she knew, only to the extent that would feel "traded in." I have to think there is some truth to this because, seriously, there are times when he goes days without going home, and it is unplanned half the time. She never calls his cell when he's with me. I've had every holiday since Christmas. And he doesn't try to "clean me off" of him when he leaves. I mean, if she really wanted to find out if he had a girlfriend, it would have to be a very easy thing for her to uncover. But I just don't know. MM told me she asked him once if the reason why he was packing up stuff to start moving out right now was because of a gf, and MM said he just shrugged. Like I said, I really don't know. Maybe she doesn't care much. Maybe she does. I have no idea what her response will be when he leaves/files and, I guess, since I think MM wants to shield me from it, I won't and really don't want to know. The end of their relationship is rightfully their business.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 My MM said the end of December after the Christmas holidays (it was July when he told me this and I went through all of the same uncertain feelings as you did). He actually left a month earlier after another D Day in November and has been separated ever since. I was still paranoid for a while but its been...what...6 months now and its a slow SLOW process but he's getting there. If he does leave, your feelings will move onto "But when will we be together properly" or "When will I feel like we're in a relationship that I shout to the world?" If you really truly truly put everything aside in your mind and your really honest with yourself and you do believe him, then wait. If not, dont. Meanwhile, whatever you do, keep living your life, dont let it envelop you. Its hard, sometimes, reading LS I thought I could be the biggest fool in the world and I wasnt seeing the wood for the trees. But my MM had to do things his way - it was his M after all, and I truly love him and believe in him and my trust just keeps growing. But you sort of really need to believe in yourself and know that you trust your own gut instinct - and also you're willing to be disappointed. Not a nice situation to be in, but frommy POV now - worth it.
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