consumed Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little more than 1 and 1/4 years. About 2 months after we had been dating we got a joint bank account, and so both are cheques go into the same account. At first I thought this would be a good idea but it's turned out not to be. She has more control over the money than I do, gets upset if I take out anything from the ATM and whatnot. I feel like and I do have to explain all the expenses from using our card... eg; why'd I got to subway or something. I want to suggest we get our own accounts again, maybe keep our joint savings account but get seperate cheqing accounts. The problem I'm having is thinking about things to say to her, reasons why I want to get seperate accounts. She's going to put up a fight, I know forsure, and she's going to be upset if not pissed off. Can anyone give me some advice on things I could say? Reason's that might make the talk go over more smoothly? Or any just plain suggestions? Thanks in advance for any responses.
Krytellan Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Well, I would suggest that you simply say you are getting a different account, create it, and have your checks deposited in it. Let her keep the other one. Make arrangements to deposit your share of the "mutual expenses" into her account so she can still run the show. This sounds easy in theory, but more difficult in practice. I had a relationship like that and if you are having trouble with it know, it won't get any easier. You really need to just take a stand and make it happen if you want any control back. It will depend on what battle you're willing to fight I suppose.
Lizzie60 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little more than 1 and 1/4 years. About 2 months after we had been dating we got a joint bank account, and so both are cheques go into the same account. At first I thought this would be a good idea but it's turned out not to be. She has more control over the money than I do, gets upset if I take out anything from the ATM and whatnot. I feel like and I do have to explain all the expenses from using our card... eg; why'd I got to subway or something. I want to suggest we get our own accounts again, maybe keep our joint savings account but get seperate cheqing accounts. The problem I'm having is thinking about things to say to her, reasons why I want to get seperate accounts. She's going to put up a fight, I know forsure, and she's going to be upset if not pissed off. Can anyone give me some advice on things I could say? Reason's that might make the talk go over more smoothly? Or any just plain suggestions? Thanks in advance for any responses. For sure she's going to put up a fight... she is the controlling partner... and you let her control you, even your personal finances... I can't blame her, she's got the nicest role... but my gosh, you got to stand for yourself. Tell her that you will get your own account...period. If she throws a fit, let her do it... I just can't believe that people, after 2 months of DATING, get a JOINT account... for pete's sake, you're not even living with her. Tell her that until you live with her, then you can open a joint account just for the living expenses, and still keep your personal account for your own money. What if she just decide she's had enough and empty the account? Give your head a shake young man!!!
quankanne Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 do as K suggests: Just set up your own account, and deposit whatever is needed to cover bills in the other account, because no matter how much she fusses, in the end it's the best compromise. DH and I have had separate accounts throughout most of our marriage, and it's worked to our benefit. He covers certain bills with his, as I do with mine, but we also put money in each other's accounts when the need arises, so we don't feel there's any meddling with our respective salaries. And it's cut down a lot of the arguing over spending, because I'm not dipping in to his funds or vice versa ... the bad thing about *only* keeping a joint account is that should it come to a split in the relationship, one person can completely wipe the other person out if their intentions are bad; or if one spouse dies, I believe all assets are frozen while the estate is being settled. Neither is a good situation to be in when you've got your money tied up in one bank account.
Author consumed Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Sry I forgot to mention we are living together and have been since about 4 weeks after dating. My worry is what I'm going to say, I know forsure she's going to accuse me of wanting my own account so that I'll be able to spend more. In reality, I want it so that I can control my flow of money and save alot more money. She has far more bills than me and as a result alot of my money goes towards covering that and buying stuff she does not need. I hate fighting, I'd rather avoid a fight but this issues about our joint accounts has been bugging me for far too long. She gets upset if I take out $20 from the ATM, like what the heck? I'm 24 years old and I should always carry some cash on me. I have to explain what every little expense is, she gets upset about the small purchases, cokes... etc... it's rediculous. I've calculated all my bills, my share of contribution towards groceries, heck even using my pay cheque to cover the car payment and insurance. After all is said and done I should have alot left over to save each month. I don't... and that's the issue I'm upset about. If I had control over my money, I would be saving alot more. Right now, it's flowing into her expenses and other stuff.
tanbark813 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Tell her what you posted here. Your reasons are perfectly valid. And grow some f**king balls for chrissake. Who cares if she gets upset?
Krytellan Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Tell her what you posted here. Your reasons are perfectly valid. And grow some f**king balls for chrissake. Who cares if she gets upset? *bow* Well said
quankanne Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 um ... you moved in together after knowing her four weeks, then immediately set up a joint account? :eek: :eek: and you've now just figured out she's expecting you to bankroll her expenses? Hoo boy ... this has "bad" written all over it. forget about what she thinks or feels – this is YOUR hard-earned income, and you don't have any responsibility other than to cover bills. Everything else is goodwill, you know? Go to another bank and arrange to have your paycheck automatically deposited in a new account that only YOU have access to. she'll probably scream at you for doing so, but she needs to understand that she can no longer milk you for your money, and that she is solely responsible for her bills and expenses, not YOU.
sb129 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 This may nor may not be relevant but who earns more money- you or her? Does SHE buy little things like cokes etc? Or do you not see the statements? This is grossly unfair and manipulative of her, however, like the others i have limited sympathy because you LET her do it after such a short time.
Lizzie60 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 you are allowing her to take advantage of you... Oh well... you know it's not right, you are not comfortable with this situation, you're old enough, and in a way, you deserve what is happening to you... sorry I don't have too much patience with people allowing others to walk all over them when it's soooo easy to change the situation. Just tell her you WILL get your own account... Calculate all the expenses (the ones that belong to both of you, no personal debts, just the rent, hydro, water, living expenses...) put a certain amount of money each to cover these expenses, the rest goes in your respective accounts to pay off your debts, car, etc.... She seems to be envious that you have more money because she has more debts.. it's ONLY NOT FAIR for you... and if she can't understand that... then move on... you will be better off by yourself than being used by a woman like that...trust me on that one...
Author consumed Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 She was making slightly more than me, very slightly more but now she's gone back to school full time and so my cheques are pretty much covering everything. Now... I don't mind paying for 80% of the stuff until she's out of school, because I fugured out that even if I paid 80% of the bills I'd still have alot I could be saving at the end of the month, which right now is ziltch since it's never there. I figured that if I paid 80% and she just took care of her cell phone bill and a family loan... that way I would be happy cause I'm in control of my money and saving, and everything is still being taken care of. Am I right?
tanbark813 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 There's a good chance she was just looking for some dumb schmuck to cover her bills so she could go back to school. I bet that if you stopped paying for any of her bills she'd leave you.
LoveLace Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Has she really asked you why you went to Subway, or was that a sarcastic example? I mean, you were hungry, what kind of a question is that anyway? She's using the joint account as a way to monitor you, ya know...if she's been the one looking at the statements, etc, she can see just about everywhere you've been and how much you withdraw from an ATM, etc...I'd doubt she agreed to this for that reason, but eventually she probably figured out this is a good way to keep tabs on you. So when you tell her about getting a seperate account, she might accuse you of trying to hide something from her - I'd be prepared for that if I was you, just in case...geez, how would she like it if you were the one in control and asked her why she went to the hair salon? Maybe if you tell her to try and put herself in your shoes, she would come to understand. But I agree, who cares if she gets pissed? What's she gonna do, break up with you? I'd doubt it- unless she's solely using you for financial reasons. In that case it's time to boot her anyway!
sb129 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 She was making slightly more than me, very slightly more but now she's gone back to school full time and so my cheques are pretty much covering everything. Now... I don't mind paying for 80% of the stuff until she's out of school, because I fugured out that even if I paid 80% of the bills I'd still have alot I could be saving at the end of the month, which right now is ziltch since it's never there. I figured that if I paid 80% and she just took care of her cell phone bill and a family loan... that way I would be happy cause I'm in control of my money and saving, and everything is still being taken care of. Am I right? :eek::eek::eek::eek: # TAKE CONTROL. She has NO right to control what is essentially ALL YOUR MONEY. Once you open another account, all the money will have to go in there. Either she likes it or she takes a hike....
quankanne Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 other thought pops into my mind: If you leave her what's necessary to pay rent and utilities, she may decide to blow that instead of paying bills. If these things are in your name, then pay them out of your account to protect your credit. If they are in HER name, give her the money with the stipulation that you want to see receipt of payment on these bills so that you know that they're getting paid. the more you share about her, the more it becomes obvious to me that she's either taking you for a ride or she's got a bad sense of economics and you're footing the bill because of that. Either way, it's not a good situation to be in. Stop giving her free reign to your money – she needs to grow up.
Trialbyfire Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Based on the information provided, I agree with everyone else. Get your own account and do as follows: Tally up all the bills Divide them by two You pay your share She pays her share Do not comingle. If anything, the two of you aren't legally considered common-law yet. I might be tempted to move out, if I were you. You do not want to split finances with someone who already is taking advantage and being very, scarily controlling.
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