randuff Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 If you have read my previous post you know that my ex fiance' cheated on me (multiple times) but I forgave her. And she is the one who finally ended it between us, not me. My problem now that I am trying best for NC (which I broke yesterday) is that I can't get mad at her for what she did. Instead I feel sick about her being with another guy now that we are split up. Not mad about it but hurt and upset. Wouldn't it make it easier for me to get over her if I were mad? I mean don't get me wrong I am mad about what she did, but I am/was willing to look past that and move on. Why must the heart feel like this and put us through the misery. I am having such a hard time since I broke NC yesterday. I was starting to feel better about myself about the situtation but now I fall back to square one. I now see why everyone preaches the importance of NC. I know life will get better. I know it takes time, yet I can't help feeling sad and sick to my stomach over all this. I apologize that I keep starting new threads but I find that posting helps me some in getting over this and dealing with the reality of the situation. Thanks for listening.
Teacher's Pet Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Hey bro... Now you understand why NC is so important. Don't feel bad, you just learned a valuable lesson. Thinking of an ex with someone else IS sickening, we all go through it. What you need to do it think about YOURSELF. What do you do for fun, that didn't involve her? Do you work out at the gym? Have poker buddies? Drinking buddies? Spend more time on the activities that didn't involve HER, and if you need to dwell on things, think about YOURSELF with someone else - someone who won't cheat on you but will truly love you and be faithful. Doing that will help you mentally prepare for the day when you are truly ready to find someone new... that's pretty much the stage I'm at (NC Day approximately 310) Don't be alarmed, I've been ready for someone new since about day 30, I'm just spending more time on work and on friends who really DO care about me. You've gotten your taste of what breaking NC means. It's like a kid touching the hot burner on a stove. You learned a painful lesson, and hopefully once was enough to break you of what could be a very bad habit. Now go out there, reconnect with your FRIENDS, and have FUN! We're here for you anytime you need us. -tp go team go!
quankanne Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 it's said that depression is anger all bottled up inside, and I'm wondering if this isn't the case here ... you're upset, but you're keeping it inside rather than letting her have it. Just a thought ... break-ups are never easy, even when you understand that they're for the best, because there's a sense of failure involved. Try not to dwell on those feelings, and try even harder not to keep reaching into the past. NC is a great way to do that, but honestly? I think you'd have to have some kind of superhuman concentration skill to be able to maintain it, because you're trying to deny yourself the one person you invested all that emotion in ... don't flog yourself for breaking NC, because everything starts out with baby steps, including NC. pick yourself up, brush yourself off and try it again, for as long as you need to keep starting over. The main thing here is that you're making the effort; slip ups aren't out of the norm. By and by, you'll be able to maintain that NC for a longer period of time to where you feel you're successful with it. hugs, q
happygirl70 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 If you have read my previous post you know that my ex fiance' cheated on me (multiple times) but I forgave her. And she is the one who finally ended it between us, not me. My problem now that I am trying best for NC (which I broke yesterday) is that I can't get mad at her for what she did. Instead I feel sick about her being with another guy now that we are split up. Not mad about it but hurt and upset. Wouldn't it make it easier for me to get over her if I were mad? I mean don't get me wrong I am mad about what she did, but I am/was willing to look past that and move on. Why must the heart feel like this and put us through the misery. I am having such a hard time since I broke NC yesterday. I was starting to feel better about myself about the situtation but now I fall back to square one. I now see why everyone preaches the importance of NC. I know life will get better. I know it takes time, yet I can't help feeling sad and sick to my stomach over all this. I apologize that I keep starting new threads but I find that posting helps me some in getting over this and dealing with the reality of the situation. Thanks for listening. Well, I guess since you have been going through this with her for some time, anger isn't really the issue anymore. Anger is an emotion that covers up the other stuff so we can do what we have to do to move on. Hurt and pain is what seems to be revealing itself now and grief over the relationship. You have to work through all that to get to the other side and to be whole again. NC is what you need! If she has constantly cheated in the past, she will continue so you need to close that book and put it on the shelf! You deserve better.
hardcase Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 If you have read my previous post you know that my ex fiance' cheated on me (multiple times) but I forgave her. And she is the one who finally ended it between us, not me. My problem now that I am trying best for NC (which I broke yesterday) is that I can't get mad at her for what she did. Instead I feel sick about her being with another guy now that we are split up. Not mad about it but hurt and upset. Wouldn't it make it easier for me to get over her if I were mad? I mean don't get me wrong I am mad about what she did, but I am/was willing to look past that and move on. Why must the heart feel like this and put us through the misery.. It depends on the person I guess....I had all those feelings..hurt, pain...feeling of helplessness...but within a month it turned to anger. And people will fault me for that..but I'll tell you this...getting angry was a hell of alot better than hurt and in misery. It helped harden my heart a little so that I'd never be played for a fool again. But that isn't the main thing...if I were still moping around hurting....I'd be sitting on the couch watching TV all the time...eating potato chips like they were going out of style. Getting angry got me off my ass....I started doing things for myself for a change...I work alot on my house...invest alot of time playing with my kids(damn they are growing up fast)...and most importantly, my eyes are opened and I'm no longer an overly trusting fool. So now me and my house never looked better and I'm not sitting around letting everything around me go to pot. And I suppose the anger is diminishing a little....I suppose a few years down the road, if I haven't divorced her, I won't be thinking about what she did on a daily basis, but from time to time it will pop in my head and I will get a little steamed about it. but for right now...its still fresh. I'm not saying get angry dude...to each his own...but start doing some things for yourself....go to the gym...invest time in a hobby...do something. But yes...NC with this girl....she is no good for you, or anyone else for that matter.
Author randuff Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 Here is some of it : I know you need your space and you need time to find yourself. I realize this, tell myself this everyday but it doesn't lessen the pain. I know in the back of my head the chances of us staying friends is slim but I want to try. I just don't want you to get to involved with the guys who want you just for your sex. I don't want you to get hurt. Maybe you have feelings for xxxxx or someone but you know they won't truly LOVE you the way I do, treat you the way I did. I try and try to get ANGRY at you for what you did so I can get over you yet I can't. I have never truly loved anyone in my life before, not unconditionally. I miss you. I miss your smell. I miss you bitching about how much you hate work. I miss your taste, your smile, your hand holding mine. I have tried to move on with my life without you but it will be and is very hard. I will not contact you any more so that you can have your time to yourself from now on. I cherish the time we had and will never forget them and you will always be in my mind and heart. Please if you ever want to call me because you need a friend do so. And if you ever want to give this a second chance, a month, a year, 5 years from now, know that you are my ONLY TRUE LOVE. The only one I love(d) unconditionally, without judgement with all my heart. Enjoy your new life, and I hope more than anything you find yourself and whatever it is you are looking for. I will never forget you, us and the great times we had. Please don't ever forget me. With neverending love in my heart and soul, R I don't know why I even sent that, knowing it would send me in a tailspin... A few minutes later she text me this : I wanted to let you know I read your message on myspace. You don't know how much that means to me, I really really really want us to still at least be friends.... You are the most amazing person ever... I sent her a message saying : Call me if you need anything or if you ever want to see me (WTF AM I DOING) I love you more than you know. She responded with : I love you too... You have no idea how much.. Thank you...For everything.... Now my head is all fu**ed up.... I am going to do everything in my power now to stay NC.. I have to for my sake, for my sanity. I love her but it is time to let go...... God help me get through this!
krzr Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 grats on doormat listen to second to none and davis but now i fear its too late for you just go no contact now u do not need a girl that cheats on you thats basically the bottom of the barrel find someone new now.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Here is some of it : I know you need your space and you need time to find yourself. I realize this, tell myself this everyday but it doesn't lessen the pain. I know in the back of my head the chances of us staying friends is slim but I want to try. I just don't want you to get to involved with the guys who want you just for your sex. I don't want you to get hurt. Maybe you have feelings for xxxxx or someone but you know they won't truly LOVE you the way I do, treat you the way I did. I try and try to get ANGRY at you for what you did so I can get over you yet I can't. I have never truly loved anyone in my life before, not unconditionally. I miss you. I miss your smell. I miss you bitching about how much you hate work. I miss your taste, your smile, your hand holding mine. I have tried to move on with my life without you but it will be and is very hard. I will not contact you any more so that you can have your time to yourself from now on. I cherish the time we had and will never forget them and you will always be in my mind and heart. Please if you ever want to call me because you need a friend do so. And if you ever want to give this a second chance, a month, a year, 5 years from now, know that you are my ONLY TRUE LOVE. The only one I love(d) unconditionally, without judgement with all my heart. Enjoy your new life, and I hope more than anything you find yourself and whatever it is you are looking for. I will never forget you, us and the great times we had. Please don't ever forget me. With neverending love in my heart and soul, R I don't know why I even sent that, knowing it would send me in a tailspin... A few minutes later she text me this : I wanted to let you know I read your message on myspace. You don't know how much that means to me, I really really really want us to still at least be friends.... You are the most amazing person ever... I sent her a message saying : Call me if you need anything or if you ever want to see me (WTF AM I DOING) I love you more than you know. She responded with : I love you too... You have no idea how much.. Thank you...For everything.... Now my head is all fu**ed up.... I am going to do everything in my power now to stay NC.. I have to for my sake, for my sanity. I love her but it is time to let go...... God help me get through this! This woman is a serial cheater, she's addicted to the feeling of being in love, and having multiple dicks and men being on her. and you got the nerve to go back to her, why dont you tattoo doormat on your damn forehead. Your making a mistake in going backwards, do you honestly think she'll be faithful to you? You guys were engaged and she cheated then correct? She broke it off because she knew she couldnt be faithful!!!!! listen you love the person for who you think she is, not the person she is right now. It's like loving jekell, hating ms hyde. When a person cheats there placing your emotional and physical health on the line, and you walk back into it, because you love her? Good lord man wake up!!!!
ryanisfootdrums Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 First off, know that I mean this in the most constructive way possible. Oh my God man! A month or so from now you will read that message you sent to her and wonder where your balls were. (I acted similarly to you) You are reinforcing the idea that she is allowed to walk in and out of your life under any circumstances. You do not want to be friends with her. Do friends promise their undying love for you and go shag some other dude the next day? No. They don't. Get away from her and go NC, otherwise you will continue to be emotionally distraught. Women are attracted to men, not effeminate boys. Stop acting like bleeding heart doormat and grow a spine.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 First off, know that I mean this in the most constructive way possible. Oh my God man! A month or so from now you will read that message you sent to her and wonder where your balls were. (I acted similarly to you) You are reinforcing the idea that she is allowed to walk in and out of your life under any circumstances. You do not want to be friends with her. Do friends promise their undying love for you and go shag some other dude the next day? No. They don't. Get away from her and go NC, otherwise you will continue to be emotionally distraught. Women are attracted to men, not effeminate boys. Stop acting like bleeding heart doormat and grow a spine. I agree with everything you said. Effeminite boys??? thugs, wannabe rock stars, effeminte male poets with eyeliner, Rappers, jocks, half of the varsity football team. Thos of the guys girls flock to. Shall I continue.
krzr Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 call me if u need anything? WTF dude send another letter that says u know i was emotionally distraught when i wrote this letter and tell her u want nothing else to do with her shes dirty and that ur much happier without her in ur life! tell her u realize now that this is the best thing that could have happened to you. shove that skeezy off and never look back and get ur pride up. you should rather want to be alone than want anything to do with someone like that cmon i dont even know u and i know ur a better man than that.
hurting_in_nw Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I'd also like to add that your groveling to her only reinforces and justifies her behavior in her own mind. Cheaters need to realize there are serious consequences for their actions, and all you've shown her is that she can treat you like this and it's OK.
Author randuff Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 I think I am in love with what used to be and not what is. From this point forward I am taking care of numero uno, ME!!! I am an attractive man and I have a good job and good income. Finding women shouldn't be too much of an issue. I am just keeping myself stuck in the past. I deserve a woman who appreciates someone who doesn't cheat, lie or manipulate people. I thank all of you in here who are giving me input. As harsh as it can sometimes be I know it is for the betterment of myself and my well being. I am done being a doormat for her or anyone else!! Look out ladies cause here I come! R P.S. I picked up my balls from under the doormat when I stopped by the house earlier.
Author randuff Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 I have succumb the the reality that what is meant to be is meant to be. I have made the decision in me heart to let go of the false reality I kept trying to convince myself was real.... My question is this : When I wake up every morning the first thought in my mind is "how is she doing?" I know I shouldn't bother myself with this but somehow subconciously she pops in my mind. How do I get thought of her out of my head???? Anything I can do to help with this or is time the only solution? Thanks
AriaIncognito Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 Well, you could try aversion therapy but I'm not sure thats the way here lol. NC is really the only way to stop thinking about them as much. Of course, you'll still think about them, but you'll find that in time, it's not EVERY morning, or EVERY night, etc. It'll still be more often than you want, but it will lessen. I assume with enough time, it will become close to never. At least that's what I'm hoping for.
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